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Happy June.

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Sima Qian: I keep a protrait of His Majesty in my drawer. Whenever I face difficulties, I take it out and stare at the picture.

Sima Qian: And I tell myself: "If I survived this asshole, then I can survive anything."

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Liu Ju: Mother, I've found out that Father's ears tends to flush when he lies!

Wei Zifu: What do you mean?

Liu Ju: Look at this.

Liu Ju: Your Majesty! Do you still love me?

Liu Che, covering his ears: Yes, but of course. What a silly question.

Wei Zifu: ...

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Assassin: I'm going to kill you!

Huhai, pulling out a scroll: Wait hold on I have to ask Chancellor Zhao first.

Assassin: ...That's not how this works?

Huhai: He said no. Sorry!

Assassin: What?

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Pang Juan: He stole from me first!!!!

Su Qin: Mmm.

Pang Juan: Stole my heart and our teacher's love...

Zhang Yi: I'm still pretty sure that's not a valid reason to cut his feet off.

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Sun Wu: This is bothering me.

Ji Guang: Well, to be fair, Wu Zixu did dig up a corpse. And is brutally whipping it.

Sun Wu: What, no, that's pretty normal actually. I meant, doesn't he get tired? We're at 200 lashes and counting.

Ji Guang: Oh, that. You're right, where does he get that stamina from?

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"What up, I'm Liu Bang, I'm 19, and I never fucking learned how to read." -Liu Bang, probably, sitting somewhere in Pei County

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[Mini Rant]

I do absolutely adore Jiang Xiaobai and Guan Zhong. They are, in my opinion, the most deranged of every monarch-chancellor pair, and every story of them is only funnier than the last. Because rather than a monarch and chancellor, it's much more just a very tired middle aged man and his unsocialized self-entitled bitchy cat-child.

*first meeting*

Guan Zhong: So you know I worked for your brother, your rival?

Xiaobai: Yeah

Guan Zhong: And that I shot you, like, yesterday, and only narrowly missed by accident?

Xiaobai: Yeah

Guan Zhong: ...So when do I die?

Xiaobai:

Xiaobai: ...Daddy <3

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Guan Zhong: Xiaobai please stop wearing purple you're literally bankrupting the country. Do you know how expensive purple is.

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Xiaobai: Daddy why did I go outside and meet a poor man whose sons have no wives :(

Guan Zhong: Because you have too many women in your palace. Please release them.

Also Guan Zhong: *Creates over 700 state run brothels*

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Guan Zhong, on his deathbed, saying his last words: Xiaobai I literally don't care what the fuck you do but PLEASE stay away from the cannibal. He doesn't love you.

Xiaobai, as the unsocialized self-entitled cunty cat-child he is: Hm. Nah.

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*If the warring states were personified*

Chu: Ah, Qin, my arch enemy.

Jin: ...I thought I was your arch enemy?

Chu: Things change, Jin. I have a life outside of you.

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Jiang Xiaobai: I’m kind of crushing on someone, but I’m worried about telling you who it is, because you’re not going to like it

Guan Zhong: Just rip the bandage off.

Jiang Xiaobai: It’s Yi Ya.

Guan Zhong: Please put the bandage back on.

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Ying Zheng: So are we flirting right now?

Gao Jianli: I AM LITERALLY STABBING YOU.

Ying Zheng: That doesn’t answer my question.

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Han Xin: I know you feel betrayed-

Zhongli Mei: Yes. Well, that’s one of the unpleasant side effects of betrayal.

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Li Si: You’re not my friend anymore.

Han Fei: We were friends?

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Wang Wan: How many children do you have?

Ying Zheng: Biologically, legally, or emotionally?

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Ying Si: I just saw a guy in the library cry for five or so minutes, and then an alarm went off and he just? Stopped crying? And went right back to work?

Ying Quliang: That was Wei Yang.

Wei Yang: It's called time management.

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Wei Qing: Bixia doesn’t look very pleased.

Huo Qubing: That’s his happy face. He’s just a bitch.

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*after year 636BC*

Zhao Shuai: Junshang—

Ji Chonger, staring into the distance: Jie Zitui used to call me Junshang too…

Zhao Shuai: That’s because it’s your fucking title