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Briggs: What would you say are your three best qualities?

Mike: I’m gay, I have soft hair, and sometimes I cry because I love my friends

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Mike: If I run and leap at Briggs, he will almost certainly catch me in his arms.

Mike, running at Briggs: Coming in!

Briggs: NO! I’M HOLDING COFFEE!

Briggs: [drops his coffee on the floor and catches Mike]

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Mike: This is so frustrating! I hate everything! I hate everyone!

Johnny: [voice cracks] Everyone?

Mike, sighing: Everyone but you.

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picture version of the text post

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Briggs: In 10 years, I can guarantee I will be Mike's second husband.

Mike: What happened to my first husband?

Briggs: Nothing you can prove.

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Jakes: Johnny, don't say a word.

Johnny:

Jakes:

Johnny: Fergalicious

Jakes: I said no words.

Johnny: Oh, I see. Two weeks ago playing scrabble, it's not a word, and now suddenly it is a word because it's convenient for you.

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Mike: [walking down stairs] Is something burning...?

Johnny: [leaning seductively against the counter] Just my desire for you.

Mike: Johnny, the toaster is on fire.

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Johnny: Parlay. My room. Five minutes.

Mike: Parlay?

Briggs: Pirate code. He wants to meet.

Mike: So everyone here knows pirate code?

Briggs: I understand it. I can't speak it.

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Johnny: How are you gonna come out, Mike?

Mike: I guess I could yell it from a passing car. That’s how people usually tell me I’m gay. I can flip the system.

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Jakes: Shoot him! He's the clone!

Johnny: The real Jakes would never pass up the chance to die!

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Mike: Briggs, in your professional opinion, how do I die?

Briggs: Murder. Gangland-style execution. We never find your head.

Johnny: (opens his mouth)

Briggs: You slip in a tub.

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Jakes, tipsy: let's talk about white people

Johnny, drunk: WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS EATING CASSEROLES

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Mike: Everyone stop arguing and help me with this crossword. I need a four letter word for disappointment.

Charlie: "Paul"

Briggs: ...

Mike: It fits.

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Jakes: Excuse me. I lost my friend Johnny. Can I make an announcement?

Store Employee: Of course.

Jakes: [leans into mic] Goodbye, you little shit.

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Mike: We need to talk.

Jakes: That has never been true.

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If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves like adults.

Dale Jakes