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Robin: I can't take this anymore! I need someone to take me out.

Barney: In a dating type of way, or an assassination type of way?

Robin: I don't know. Both? Surprise me.

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Ted: Is anyone going to tell me what's going on in here?!

Marshall: It's kind of complicated, but I bought a goat and-

Ted: Got it. Forget I asked.

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Ted: You've been stalking women?!

Barney: You call it stalking, I call it "Lovingly lurking in the shadows".

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Robin: Sorry it took me so long to bail you out of jail.

Barney: No, it’s okay. I shouldn’t have used my one free phone call to play a prank on Ted.

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Ted: I remember the first time I saw her. I was like, 'holy shit. I'm gonna fall in love with this woman.'

Lily: oh, that's sweet. Robin, what did you think the first time you saw Ted?

Robin: I thought, 'oh shit. This guy's gonna hit on me'.

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Barney: Mark, my words.

Some guy: *Hands Barney a dictionary*

Ted: ....What was that?

Barney: Oh, I hired a Mark for the bit.

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Ted: Just how dumb does she think we are?

Marshall: Sometimes Lily leaves me pictures of food instead of a grocery list.

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Barney: Don’t preach to me about romance, Ted. I had a three-way in a hot-air balloon.

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Barney: Robin and I don't dress to impress. We dress to depress.

Robin: We want to look so good that people hate themselves.

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Lily: You took advice from Barney?!

Ted: ...Oh God, I've hit rock bottom, haven't I?

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Barney: I have never lied to you. I have always told you some version of the truth.

Robin: The truth doesn't HAVE versions!

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Robin: I helped you when you got your foot caught in the toilet.

Marshall: No you didn't! You laughed and Barney took pictures.

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Barney: Okay, mistakes were made.

Ted: By you.

Barney: And people got hurt-

Marshall: Also by you.

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Ted: *About Tracy* She can fix me.

Barney: Dude, chill. You met her five minutes ago.

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Robin: What time is it? I need to be home before sundown.

Marshall: *looks at her with suspicion* Said every vampire ever.

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Lily: *Wearing a cool outfit*

Robin: I wish I could pull that off.

Lily: Go ahead.

Robin: What?

Lily: What?

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Marshall: *Running into the room* HEY! HEY!

Lily: *Holding baby Marvin* Shhh, he's sleeping.

Marshall: Oops, Sorry.

Marshall: *Whispering* Barney started another fire.