indigvs

[indigvs]

― indigo gaitanos                 ghost of birthdays past

NOVEMBER 30, 2000: MANHATTAN, NEW YORK.

indigo’s not really too sure what she’s doing sat at a table in the middle of a room populated by much older people ( she’s too young to put it numerically, but to anyone a little older, it’d be obvious that each guest shared a twenty-year age difference with her at the very least ). she looks around the room hopefully, expecting her friends to run in at any second, while a tiered cake is wheeled in closely behind by some form of mythical creature. nothing of the sort happens though, and men and women she’s never met continue to come and go through the rows of tables like ants through anthill, with drinks of varying shapes, sizes and colours in hand. as time passes, she shifts uncomfortably in her seat, finally feeling just how restricting the outfit she’s wearing is, both in terms of movement and breathing room, the fabric pressing against her ribcage. her frustration with the outfit grows, putting a clear damper on her overall mood, her eyebrows knitting together in an adorable expression of confusion and anger. the situation is made worse as she feels a group of guests stare directly at her from other side of the room, their puzzled expressions giving away just how confused they are about her presence, unaware that this is supposed to be her birthday celebration. the longer they stare, the more uncomfortable indigo feels, her expression softening as she finally reaches down for blue’s hand, who instantly looks down at his little sister. he offers her a warm smile, having been in her shoes before, confused about the age and nature of the guests invited for his own birthday parties, and sat uncomfortably in an outfit he would rather have torn off.

from the corner of her eye, she spots her mother looking directly at her, her own eyebrows saying much more than words ever could. finally, she walks over to the back of her daughter's chair and bends down, as if to give her a short cheek kiss. “ indigo, χρυσό μου, could you smile more? you're turning this event into a complete downer, ” her mother whispers instead, standing back up straight before indigo can articulate a response, “ look at blue, he’s smiling. and it’s not even his birthday. ” the girl turns her head and looks at her older brother, detecting the fake nature of his smile instantly, and continuing to display nothing but sad doe eyes. it’s not until she feels blue’s hand squeeze hers that she finally feels able musters up a more or less convincing smile. it’s enough to unlock her mother's conditional affection though, and she receives a short, but oh so precious hug, soaking in every single second. she mourns the warmth of her mother's body against hers instantly once antheia moves away, almost shedding a tear, but knowing all too well that she cannot.

“ indi, let’s play a game, ” blue whispers into her ear, sensing the need for a distraction, watching his sister instantly perk up at the suggestion. “ oh, i know! let’s play ‘i spy’ — you start! ”

the girl instantly looks around the room, desperate to find something small enough to trip her brother up, all of her attention sinking away from her mother’s lack of affection and her party’s lack of cake. blue plays along, feigning confusion each time, letting his sister win each round. with each bout of laughter he’s able to extract from his sister, he feels his heart grow, thankful that while he had no one to provide him with distractions during each of his previous birthday parties, he’s around for indigo, to make sure she never suffers with the same issue. finally, after what seems like an eternity finding each detail of the room, the celebration winds down, and nine-year-old blue lets out a relieved sigh. he’s gotten his baby sister through her fifth birthday. and so he’s off the hook, until next year. 

NOVEMBER 30, 2013: MANHATTAN, NEW YORK.

different year, same masquerade. she’s sat at the same table, watching as the same group of associates and business partners mingle, with champagne flutes in hand. once again, the party has very little to with her birthday — though those were the words printed in gold letters on the invitations — and everything to do with her parents desperately needing others to believe that they have it all, that they’re living the perfect life. which indigo has started correcting to ‘the perfect lie’ under her breath. finally, when it all becomes too boring, and when she realises that the newest addition to her father’s new york office has been eyeing her for over fifteen minutes, she makes her way over to the bar and mentally counts down from ten. 

“ i hear today’s a special day for you, ” he offers in lieu of a greeting, sliding to her side at the bar, right as indigo reaches the end of her countdown.

“ and i hear you’re loving it at your new desk, ” she quips back, dragging her finger against the gaudy sugar rim of her cocktail. she turns to face him, and brings her finger to her mouth, letting her tongue pick up the remnants of sugar on her index finger.

“ did your dad tell you? or are you assuming? ” he replies, seemingly interested in the answer and almost eliciting an eye roll from indigo, completely failing to engage in the flirtatious back and forth she was expecting.

“ are you sure you really want to talk about my dad right now? ” she coaxes, cocking her head to one side, taking the reins of the conversation in her own hands, given how pathetically oblivious the newcomer is to what she’s trying to do.

he shakes his head, and she watches as he finally realises what she’s been suggesting, his lips forming a lowercase ‘o’ as everything sinks in. within seconds, indigo’s managed to sneak them both out of the party, pushing the suit-clad man into the closest secluded area. once they’re more or less hidden from prying eyes — she’s not really too concerned — indigo goes into a bizarre form of autopilot mode. she drops to her knees, and it’s not long until he metaphorically falls to his. her first name echoes out of his mouth between laboured breaths, and she can feel a growing part of herself relish the moment. because in that instant, she knows that he’s thinking about her and her only, and the sheer idea of that is enough to make up for the affection she so desperately craves but will not receive on her ‘special day’ as he put it earlier. 

“ and here i thought we were supposed to give gifts to the birthday girl, ” he jokes, while attempting to regain his breath while she stands back up, and tucks a few loose strands of hair behind her ear.

“ i don’t take gifts from strangers, ” she demurs, her tone losing all of the sensuality she’d infused into it prior. she’s gotten what she needed from him, and quite frankly has come out of the experience feeling very little, prompting her to cut all ties with the wide-eyed newcomer as soon as possible.

“ i wouldn’t say we’re strangers, i mean — ”

“ i don’t know your name, and we haven’t formally been introduced, ” she interrupts, deadpan. “ so, as i said: strangers. ” 

with that said, she moves away from the man and his perplexed look, and walks back into the crowded ballroom, finding the seat she was at before. she takes a long sip from the glass of water she’d left for herself minutes before, and waits for her brother’s return, knowing all too well he’s likely not gone too far.

“ finally! — i’ve been looking for you all over, ” blue exclaims, sitting back down next to his sister, a flute of champagne in each hand. she’s not yet twenty-one, but everyone’s far too entranced in their respective conversations to notice.

“ i was busy meeting dad’s newest recruit — informally, ” she hints, taking a sip from her flute, craning her neck subtly towards the man coming through the doorway of the large ballroom.

“ of course, ” he acquiesces, offering his sister an amused nod. both siblings have learned not to judge over the years, making their way through birthdays and holidays by their own means. mirroring her actions, he picks up his own flute and takes a few short sips, politely nodding at the waves of men and women who pass by their table. “ how’s dad’s new protégé then? did his shiny upenn degree get him a couple extra points on the indigo scale? ” he whispers, minutes later, noticing the subject of their conversation sit uneasily at the bar.

“ shiny doesn’t make up for boring and easy to read, so no, no extra points. we’ve got ourselves yet another bland ivy boy, i’m afraid. ” 

as they both continue to sip on their champagne, their minds drift off. while indigo shrugs off yet another meaningless birthday surrounded by nameless and faceless many, blue mentally sighs at the fact that indigo’s finally eighteen. after years of coming up with diversions on her birthday, he now knows she’s old enough to come up with her own. or, at least, she’s found her own diversions for this particular birthday. so he’s off the hook, until next year.  

NOVEMBER 30, 2014: PORTLAND, MAINE.

her hands tear open the envelope she found in her newly assigned mailbox, fingers reaching for the card inside. she opens it and recognises the handwriting instantly, matching it up mentally to her father’s assistant. tearing up the small piece of card paper, she sighs, partly saddened by her parents’ lack of effort, but mostly relieved that she’s not being forced into another dress she can’t breathe in solely to be paraded around faces she doesn’t recognise. that being said, there is one person she misses. being away from blue, gets harder every year, and this time is no exception. he’s guided her through enough birthdays for her to suddenly feel lost without him. after checking the time difference between portland and london, she deems it early enough for a phone call and walks out into her residence hall’s hallway as she dials his number. a few minutes later, she hears his voice on the other end, asking her to leave a message. the sounds echo in her ear and she feels her stomach twist, before slowly sinking to the ground. she can feel her face contort and her throat close up just early enough to bury her face into her hands. she cries silently for a few minutes, before a voice breaks the silence of marston hall’s empty hallway. “ are you ok? ” the voice asks, prompting her to lift her head. through tear-stricken eyes, the figure’s mess of dark hair almost looks like blue’s, and she’s forced to wipe her eyes to make sure it isn’t. once she registers the boy’s green eyes, it’s immediately obvious that the person towering over her isn’t her older brother.

“ i — yeah, i’m fine, ” she sighs, flashing the other the seemingly genuine smile she’s practiced for so many years.

“ mind if i sit? ” the boys asks, pointing to the spot next to her.

though indigo initially felt like company was the last thing she needed, she nods and actually finds his presence quite comforting once their shoulders are in close proximity. neither of them say anything for a few minutes, and the hallway is once again completely silent.

“ what do you think of marston? ” he asks finally, turning his head to face her. 

“ i don’t mind it too much, ” indigo murmurs, with a slight shrug. it takes her a second to realise what he’s doing, but a metaphorical lightbulb finally lights up above her head once she moves past her confusion as to why he cares about her opinion of marston. much like blue years prior, he’s trying to distract her, and make her think of something other than what just made her cry. “ on one hand, it’s got the stereotypical old building charm. on the other, the walls, floors and ceilings are so paper thin that i’m pretty sure i could give you a detailed schedule of when the guy who lives above me sleeps with his girlfriend. — i’m assuming it’s his girlfriend, i only hear one female voice, and it’s always the same, ” she adds with a little more enthusiasm, still actively avoiding eye contact.

“ do you think you’ll live here next year too? ” he inquires, resting the back of his head against the wall behind them, and staring at the opposite wall and its odd choice of paint colour.

“ hopefully not. i’m a pledge in a sorority right now, so — fingers crossed — i’ll be a member by january and start living there early next fall semester, ” she replies, extending her legs so that they rest parallel to his. there’s a short bout of silence between the two of them again, interrupted by indigo this time, who turns to face the boy, finally. “ i’m indigo, by the way, like the colour. — sorry that you had to walk in on my public meltdown. i came out here to avoid forcing my roommate to deal with my emotions, but i forced you to do it instead. ” 

“ i’m elliot. — and it’s ok. hallways are public spaces, ” he utters back, offering her a smile. 

she nods at his remark, feeling slightly less guilty about forcefully involving him in her birthday breakdown. over the years, she’s developed a hard shell, and various coping mechanisms — most of which involved her brother — to avoid a public outpour of emotion. but, truth be told, in that very moment, with blue unavailable, she’s not quite sure how to cope.

“ as of today i’m nineteen, ” she blurts out, every atom in her body choosing to trust the boy next to her, while her mind screams to take every word back immediately. “ and this might sound really stupid, but i’ve never spent a single birthday without my brother to guide me through things, and now i don’t really know what to do. ”

“ no, i understand. birthdays are — they’re complicated, ” he replies softly, not adding much context to his words. not that much is needed. relationships with birthday celebrations come in all shapes and sizes, with a mind-blowing variety of backstories.

after their individual audible sighs, silence settles between the two of them again, neither wanting to delve deeper into their own version of their backstory most likely. seconds pass, and indigo becomes painfully aware that she needs another distraction, and fast.

“ do you smoke? the gender neutral bathroom downstairs has a really nice tub, and i’ve been meaning to make it my new smoking spot, ” she states, biting her tongue as she realises he’s not aware of her relationship to bathtubs.

“ i’ve never — ”

she barely leaves time for the other to reply and explain he hasn’t smoked before, the beginning of his sentence serving as enough motivation for her to get up from the sad position she’d previously assumed. as she turns to go grab supplies in her room, she wonders what blue would have to say about how she’s handling herself. a part of her truly believes he’d be thankful she’s choosing a less carnal coping mechanism, while the other wonders what he’d say about her adopting his smoking habit. either way, she’s found something to keep her mind busy, so she’s off the hook, until next year. 

[indigvs]

[indigvs]

ancient greek word of the day: συναστρέω (sunastreō), to be born under the same star

[indigvs]

there’s a sinking feeling in indigo’s stomach as she turns her key in the lock of the penthouse’s front door. not only is this her first thanksgiving break away from any and all members of her family, it’s also her first time back in her childhood home in a while. the lock clicks and the front door swings open, allowing the girl to peer inside. the entire place — just as she remembers — feels very sterile, like an untouched furniture showroom. every chair is tucked under its corresponding table, every book is lined up in alphabetical order in the giant bookshelf, every envelope is topped with a paper weight. the more she looks around, the more she notes that, once again, nothing is even slightly out-of-place, and the more she can feel her lips curl into an endeared smile. not because she knows her mother’s neuroticism has led the room to be tidied this way, but because it all feels just like she last left it. though being away from her parents and from blue feels a little wrong, there’s something oddly comforting about being able to miss them from a location she knows well. once she’s given every nook, cranny and surface a good look, she turns around to see the one new thing she’s brought into her childhood home and can’t help but break out into a even larger smile at the sight of her boyfriend. “ you know, if i didn’t know better, i’d start thinking you grew up around here. you’re totally nailing the nonchalant new yorker vibe right about now, ” she beams, taking a few steps back towards him, until there’s barely any distance between the two of them. she unravels her scarf from her neck and throws it over jagger’s head, pulling him closer. though both of them have been dating for almost two years, she can feel her heart beat faster as the distance closes between them, as though the entire situation is a complete novelty. her eyes travel furtively over each and every inch of his face like she’s taking it all in for the first time, holding her breath in as she does so, her body seemingly only possessing the energy to do one or the other.

eventually, she exhales sharply and presses her lips to his, hands pulling down on her scarf to ensure there’s the least amount of space possible between the two of them. in a bizarre moment of clarity mid-kiss, indigo can’t help but think about how before this moment and before jagger, she’d never dared kiss anyone in this particular room. or in any of the rooms in her home, actually. fear of getting caught by her greek parents obliged. though she knows no one’s around to find her and her beau in the middle of the living room this time, a certain thrill accompanies their display of affection. one which, bizarrely enough, is a lot more exciting than the one that comes with sneaking around back on prince’s campus. so much so that it causes her to run out of air faster than planned, subsequently forcing her to release some of her pull on her scarf and pull her face away to catch her breath, laughing softly at herself in the process. she stares into jagger’s eyes like a lovesick puppy for a few more moments once they’re a few inches apart, before letting go of her scarf completely and walking in the direction of the kitchen, desperate for a glass of water to calm herself down. as she forcefully opens the door of the refrigerator, she instantly spots a familiar-looking pie box, with a note affixed to it. she pulls it out and sets it on the countertop, before her hand reaches for the small note. as expected, it’s pumpkin pie from theodore and the rest of his family, though indigo knows they’ve all signed their names as a formality. realising that the whole situation probably makes no sense to jagger, she holds up the small card, “ it’s from theo and the rest of the stavros family, our family friends. i’m ready to bet my mother complained to his over the phone about me missing family time in greece to come crash over here instead. ” she puts the card down and opens a drawer, pulling out two spoons, before grabbing the pie box and walking over to the couch, “ i don’t know about you, but the drive from portland really made me hungry, and i hate giving house tours on an empty stomach. ” / @jaggvr​

[indigvs]

[indigvs]

indigo: i'm looking for a word that basically means sad and mad at the same time

elliot: bitter, sullen, resentful?

jagger: smad

[indigvs]

elliotcameron:

elliotc49: he’s not my friend. he’s a lame, pretentious second year photography student who thinks zombies are interesting elliotc49: ok, i know you’re thinking i was also a pretentious second year photography student at one point elliotc49: but at least i didn’t do a project on zombies.

pepsibaby: uh i’ll have you know that i’ve never in my life had a negative thought about you pepsibaby: so jot that down pepsibaby: glad you didn’t do a project on zombies though, i probably would’ve had a negative thought about you then

[indigvs]

acercs:

TERESA: i am proud of you TERESA: that’s the indigo que apoyo y admiro 

INDIGO: love being supported in these trying times INDIGO: speaking of support and trying times ... come cuddle me the radiator in my room stopped working

[indigvs]

― indigo gaitanos                    in twenty questions

can you use chopsticks?

i couldn’t for the longest time, but then my brother started living all around southeast asia after he graduated. he thought that me being a non-chopstick user was a complete insult to his new home, so he taught me two summers ago. and now i’d say i’m pretty good with them. wouldn’t list it as a proficient skill on my resume though.

what is something most people do that you think is dumb?

involving yourself in other people’s life and drama, especially when it’s for the wrong reasons. i wouldn’t necessarily say most people do it, but a good amount do, and i really don’t understand the purpose of it. if you’re involving yourself to help, then good for you, but if you’re involving yourself to get a kick out of someone else’s life … i don’t know, i just don’t get the appeal.

where would you fall on a politeness/rudeness scale?

it depends on the context, and who i’m around. most of the time i’d stay i lean more towards polite. but some people have seen me get a little ruder behind closed doors. nothing too extreme though.

what is your archetype?

somewhere between the master and the chosen one, i think.

what do you do when you can’t sleep?

i’ll text jagger, or go climb into bed with ronnie or teresa. if all three of them are already asleep, i’ll usually go down to the kitchen and make myself a midnight snack, and then eat it while watching a film, or reading a book.

what five apps do you use most on your phone?

uh, off the top of my head, it’s probably instagram, vsco, spotify, uber and snapchat. — nothing too out of the ordinary!

what’s your coffee order?

if i’m really in desperate need of caffeine, i’ll order an iced americano, but otherwise i’m usually an iced chai or iced matcha latte kind of girl.

what food will you never be able to turn down?

cheese, for sure. on anything, with anything. — i’m salivating just thinking of cheese pulls right now, ugh.

what’s one bad habit you need to break off?

accumulating glasses and plates in my room is a big one. i’ll make myself a meal, and then get caught up in something, and then without even realising it, i’ll end up with three plates stacked on the side of my desk. 

what 3-5 emojis do you use the most?

👀  👅 ⚜️ 🔑  💙

what’s the best thing in your life at the moment?

my great education, my brother, the fact that i get to travel as often as i do, my boyfriend, my close friends, my wonderful little, coffee at tandem and bard, the holy donut always,   discovering the eritrean restaurant on oak street the other day ... the list goes on and on.

what’s the worst thing in your life at the moment?

uh, well — i’d say probably the constant pressure from my parents, how draining it is and how that pressure manifests itself. let’s just say i’ve never been one to deal with things in a healthy manner right off the bat. not being able to hold my boyfriend’s hand in public also doesn’t help.

how do you comfort yourself when you’re in a slump?

in those moments, i’ll either need to be completely alone to recharge, or i’ll need someone like jag, ronnie, teresa or elliot close by. either way, i usually end up in loose clothing, wrapped in a blanket, with diptyque’s jasmin candle burning in the background.

what are three netflix shows that you’ve rated five stars?

off the top of my head, house of cards, new girl and the good place. although i’d probably replace the good place with broad city if streamed on netflix.

what would you make a scene in public about?

i’m not really one for a public scene in the first place, so i’d really have to be pushed over the edge for any of it to happen. but i guess it’d probably be because someone disrespected someone i love, as painfully cookie-cutter as that sounds.

what would you give your life for?

given that i just gave a cliché answer, i’ll avoid doing the same here and just say that i’d give my life for a giant bowl of my grandmother’s tzatziki. with souvlaki and saganaki on the side, obviously.

what are your major flaws?

i’m the type to take people’s words at heart, but never tell them if those words hurt me. i’m also quite cynical, and i let the consequent outlook affect me a little too much at times. i’m unable to deal with certain issues head on, and try to deny they’re happening and avoid them completely. and then i also sometimes might be brash with others, without really realising it.

what do you only pretend to care about?

as much as i love kappa, and the people in kappa, i sometimes definitely act more excited than i am about our events, or chapter. i initially rushed as a way to get my mother off my back, since she was kappa president back in the day, but sometimes the commitments that come with being a part of kappa are kind of overwhelming. plus, the whole rivalry it’s dragged me into is really off-putting. 

how does the image you try to project differ from the image you actually project?

i was raised to always put on a strong front and always seem more comfortable and confident than i am, but i think with some people it might come off as me being cocky and obnoxiously looking down on people. i obviously can’t blame my parents and my upbringing for the entirety of other people’s perceptions of me, but i credit a lot of that to it.

what are you afraid of?

i really don’t like spiders, needles, or small holes. all three of those really get me. and then, on a more existential level, i’d say letting my family down, and the idea of not being too sure about what happens after we all die. — just girly things!

do you believe in the supernatural?

to an extent — some things are easier to believe than others.

when you were younger, what job did you think you’d end up doing? has that changed since?

i think i wanted to be a journalist for a while? that idea’s obviously been thrown out of the window since though.

what timezones do you have on your phone’s clock app?

i have new york and portland for my parents and myself, santorini for my parents, auckland for jag and bali for my brother blue and his girlfriend. for the time being that is, since they’re probably going to travel again soon.

[indigvs]

Halston Sage in You Get Me

[indigvs]

pepsibaby: i totally agree pepsibaby: he’s got the same expressive eyebrows and toothy smile, it’s honestly spot on pepsibaby: tell your mystery photographer friend i’m a fan

elliotc49: two weeks ago i said under my breath that doing zombies as a theme for a photo project was overdone. elliotc49: now i’m kind of thinking he modeled this zombie after me. elliotc49: what do you think

[indigvs]

jaggvr:

jaggvr: a concept: i’m not the cook in this relationship  jaggvr: thanks for the tw that’s very considerate of you 

pepsibaby: a concept: you make great food stop coming up with excuses pepsibaby: girlfriend of the year, get me a plaque

[indigvs]

jaggvr:

jaggvr: i also love the kappa kitchen but i can’t go there for every meal  jaggvr: thanks i feel that really captured how i truly feel about tater tots 

pepsibaby: a concept: you use ... pike’s ... kitchen pepsibaby: captured a good angle of that kiwi jawline too, kiwi tw

[indigvs]

pepsibaby: eating at the caf??? can’t relate i love the kappa kitchen pepsibaby: peep that alliteration 👅 pepsibaby: also brb i’m making that picture of you my lockscreen i love a good sad girl

jaggvr: when the caf runs out of tater tots  jaggvr: on this, the one day i can cheat my usual diet  jaggvr: what are we really even paying prince for 

[indigvs]

jcmesx:

“maybe not fire you. after all, if you’re crazy enough to cry over an egg for any amount of time at all, you might be crazy enough to come after them for wrongful termination or something. can you even do that over an internship?”

“ i’d like to think that there’s a slight difference between the kind of crazy who cries over an inanimate egg and the kind of crazy who makes an event on facebook, calls it local burning man, and then burns down your office. but maybe that’s just me! — either way, i doubt they’d fire me. if they did, they’d be stuck with just ethan every day, and everyone knows that if i’m not around to keep him on track, nothing gets done. so, your move, via agency. ”

[indigvs]

fckncooper:

cooper tilted his head upward at the question, which he also took as a suggestion. nothing in the world sounded better than a hefty order from phoenix ( not even behind-the-plate seats at the next met’s game ). “ i’m sure if we offer to throw a couple of joints in return, we can get one of the busboys to come deliver. they fucking love us there, ” he hummed. “ and, y’know, as long as jellybeans aren’t on the menu. ”

indigo found herself nodding to his words. that is, up until cooper mentioned jelly beans, at which point she took the cover off of her phone and threw it in cooper’s direction, missing his forehead by less of an inch. “  wow — you truly are never, ever going to let me live that one down, are you? i can’t believe i’m going to be a jelly bean snorter in your eyes all my life. and here i was, convinced my brand and trope was the smart blonde, ” she sighed, reaching her hand out in the hopes that he’d hand her back her phone case. “ either way, i’m taking this whole conversation as a resounding yes in the ‘should we order from phoenix’ debate. — i was thinking of ordering mozzarella sticks, cheese fries, mac ‘n’ cheese bites and some onion rings. and maybe a milkshake if i’m feeling frisky. got anything else i need to be adding to this order? ”

[indigvs]

acercs:

TERESA: it’s the acero genes TERESA: soy la mas bonita obvio

INDIGO: uh, duh! of course you are! INDIGO: i’m not settling for a little who’s second best smh