indramond

[indramond]

Reflection

One time a therapist asked me to write down what I like about myself. This is supposed to be something to occasionally look back on. I still haven't done the assignment. I'm still struggling to figure out what I actually see in myself that is likable. I feel like the negative characteristics outweigh the positives. I have a session coming up soon. We'll see if I come up with something concrete by then.

[indramond]

Goodbye 2023

Hello there! Long time no see. Tomorrow we will officially be in the year of the Dragon...2024. I'm thankful to see another year. The past few months have been hectic and draining. Hence why I haven't posted in a hot minute. I don't know what 2024 will bring but I know I plan to the most of it. Compared to what I have done in the past.

Happy New Year 🎆🎊🥂

[indramond]

Devil in a red dress

This is my mother on her wedding day back in 1992. My mother was a very cunning woman. Still is. She's feminine on the outside and good about keeping up appearances. Yet on the inside and in our household, she was a monster. I endured physical, verbal, and emotional abuse at her hands and from her mouth. She was a violent disciplinarian with a slick mouth, stank attitude, and no true regard for others she couldn't manipulate or take advantage of. She instilled in me aggression, lack of self-control, and no sense of worth or confidence. I have tried to be forgiving but her abuse continued into my adulthood. No longer physical but emotional. She has weaponized the police against me multiple times since high school over false claims of domestic violence. Just because I had become to old beat.

It's Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I am a survivor who became an abuser. I was hurt so I hurt others. My mother was also hurt by her own mother. Unfortunately she continues to cause hurt as she feels entitled to control others and their emotions. I will never forgive her for the trauma she caused me. I will never love her for the pain and suffering she inflicted on me. I understand that she parented me the way she was parented. I parented my children the way I was parented. I suffered the consequences of being abusive and mistreating others under Man's law. She will suffer the consequences under God's law.

I am still working to unlearn the toxicity she filled my mind, body, and spirit with. NO one deserves to be abused and there is no justification to abuse. Please seek help if you are struggling as a victim or a perpetrator before it's too late. End the cycle of abuse before it ends your life.

Have a nice life mother...you devil in a red dress.

[indramond]

Why I don't "Believe All Women"

Russell Brand was recently #MeToo'd. Till Lindemann was #MeToo'd. So on and so on. Over time I've noticed the mindset that you if you don't automatically take the side of the accuser, especially if they are a woman/female, you're an asshole of the decade. You're a rape apologist, misogynist, you don't care about women, etc.

One of my favorite YouTubers did a breakdown video on actress Amber Heard, and the scandal with Johnny Depp. There was a comment on that video that I will never forget. This person stated that "they couldn't automatically believe an accuser just because they're a woman. Due to the fact that women had caused them the most trauma in their life. Primarily in the form of emotional abuse". I felt every word of that. I can relate to it. The person who has traumatized me the most in my life is my mother. Through physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. Other women have caused me harm as well. Harm that I still vividly remember to this day. As a result of that I can better understand why some people may not be quick to jump on the "Believe Women/Believe All Women" bandwagon. I've also seen people want to pick and choose which women they want to believe. Especially if race, age, and socio-economic status play a factor.

I think sometimes people forget how vile and vicious some women can be. Sometimes even more despicable than a man can be. I remember seeing some weird hypocrisy during the William Control controversy. There were two individuals going through his comments on one of his IG posts. Anyone who defended him, myself included, was called a rape apologist. Yet one of these individuals began to gloat about how they had allegedly engaged in a sexual encounter with the accused. I was more perturbed by the fact this person was boasting about allegedly having sexual relations with someone that was being accused of heinous sex crimes. It's a reminder of how deranged some people are. That some of the people who shout "believe all women" are actually virtue signaling and disengenous. All allegations should be taken seriously and properly investigated. But people need to understand that we are all entitled to our own opinion. Some choose to take the side of the accused, the accuser, or stay neutral. Some don't care at all. But making a mockery of sex crimes is evil and it shows a disregard for life.

I see people say "why would a woman lie about a sex crime" or "women don't lie about things like this". YES THE HELL THEY DO! Look up Emmett Till, Gary Dotson, the Scottsborough boys, etc. Some women are either psychology distorted or spiritually disturbed. They have no qualms about causing grief and strife to others when they don't get what they want or feel wronged. Others may just not be wrapped to tight as my father would say. Going back to that YouTube comment, I no longer feel shame or discomfort for choosing to wait for facts to come out before picking a side. I was the victim of a sex crime in high school. I know what it is like to be victim blamed for something you had no control over. I also know what it's like to be shamed by another woman. A woman who herself was an abuser and took no responsibly for it. So no...I don't "Believe All Women". I believe in innocent until proven guilty and due process.

[indramond]

It's been a while...

Hello Tumblr! It's been a LONG time since my last post. Lately I haven't had the energy to want to blog. Or write essays so long that my finger tips hurt. It's a new month and fall is right around the corner. Honestly it already feels like fall here in the PNW. I've got a photoshoot planned this month and another next month. Other than that I'm just working and trying to keep my mind busy. There is something that has been on my mind awhile. I will talk about it in another post. See you soon!

[indramond]

Reinvention is the best form of flattery

[indramond]

Eva Laveau is dead to me and it's time for reinvention.

[indramond]

I haven't posted in awhile. My depression has been off the chain lately. I've been feeling very claustrophobic and exhausted. Slowly starting to feel a little better and less sad. Stay tuned!

[indramond]

I don't celebrate 4th of July anymore

My father died on July 4th years ago. It was a sudden illness that put him the hospital for two months and eventually claimed his life. For few years after he passed I didn't celebrate 4th of July. It was my second favorite holiday after Halloween. My father and I were both veterans. He had PTSD from being in combat, but still took us to see fireworks. Big ones! We never bought any and the first time I held fireworks was overseas in Asia. My dad used to claim we "werent' responsible enough to have them". Years later my mother informed me it was due to his PTSD. That made more sense.

In 2014, I decided to celebrate 4th of July again. It went well...save for the truck driver who flipped me off because I pulled out in front of him to make a left handturn to late. But it was good. We went to a nice spot and watched the fireworks illuminate the skies of downtown Tacoma. It was beautiful. Then 2015 came around...and this was the dealbreaker.

I've always been used to seeing people riding around with Confederate flags. I live in a military town, and there are other military bases around Seattle and the PNW. Some people have ties to the South and sport their rebel flags in the name of heritage...or say they claim. Yet an event occurred two weeks before July 4th, 2015. A white supremacist terrorist went into a black church in Charleston, South Carolina on June 15th, 2015 and gunned down nine black people in cold blood. He has yet to be executed for this hate crime. If this attack wasn't horrific enough, he was taken to Burger King after the cops arrested him because "he was hungry". The SC state capitol building flew the Confederate along with the US flag at half mast. That 4th of July I saw WAY more people...well white and white passing people...driving around with Confederate flags. It continued the following year which was election year between Trump and Clinton. I think the increase would've continued if it wasn't for another event: the 2017 Charlottesville Alt-Nazi riot. A white supremacist plowed his car into a group of anti-racist protestors, killing one woman...Miss Heather Heyer. After that, the number of people riding around with Confederate flags decreased. Again and again. Today is July 4th, 2023. I haven't seen anyone flying a Confederate flag.

What happened in Charleston and Charlottesville was deplorable. Seeing people celebrating loss of life in a disgusting hate crime is deplorable. One of the late elders of my childhood church said she felt "Washington was more racist than Mississippi." Meaning the racism here is more passive aggressive or covert compared to being blatant and open like in the Deep South. Fellow Americans rejoicing in the unncessary deaths of other Americans is why I no longer celebrate 4th of July. The people around me showed their true colors in the name of what they claimed was "heritage not hate". Despite the fact that the creator of the Confederate flag, William Tappan Thompson, viewed the rebel flag as a symbol of white supremacy: "As a people, we are fighting to maintain the heaven ordained supremacy of the white man over the inferior or colored race: a white flag would thus be emblematical of our cause"- William Tappan Thompson.

So yeah...that's why I no longer celebrate the 4th of July. You all can do what you want. I choose to do different. Rest peace Alonzo George Laveau

Peace & Love- E

[indramond]

It didn't start with me...

**Trigger Warning: Child abuse & maltreatment/Custody loss**

Today is the last day of PTSD Awareness month. Previously, I said I would share my CPTSD story. Well here it is:

I was diagnosed with CPTSD during the pandemic. This was a result of years of physical, emotional, and verbal abuse I experienced at the hands of my mother. My name sake...Eva Sophia Laveau. My mother is still among us and our relationship has improved but is still distant at times. There are rare occasions where the so-called mother who raised me rears her ugly head. There is one incident that constantly plays in my mind from when I was a child.

I was beaten by my mother for a miniscule offense. My crime...getting an attitude with my parents about having to go to the mall with them. I wanted to stay home and eat the Campbell's Chicken & Stars soap I had made at home. Soup will play another part in a traumatic incident with my father. But I digress. My punishment for my misbehavior...my mother pulling my hair and shaking me around the car so violently I spilled my soda from Burger King all over the car and my father. Once inside, she proceed to verbally assault me, punch me in the stomach, and whip me with a belt. She beat me to the floor and proceeded to jump up and down while whipping my back with the belt. I screamed out "mommy!" while covering my head and cowering in the fetal position in fear. This beating lasted what felt like an eternity. To add insult to injury, my father heard the whole thing and proceeded to mock me for days after the assault. He would say "mommy" in a fake weeping voice. I hated both of them for the longest of time. After the beating, my mother went on about her business as if nothing had happened.

I say that the trauma and CPTSD didn't start with me. My mother was abused by her mother, who was also raised by another toxic mother. Unfortunately I became abusive towards my own children and lost custody of them. My oldest who is 16 doesn't wanted to be hugged or kissed. She does not like touch in general because I spanked her so much as a little one. I can't fault her for feeling this way. I can't fault her for hating me. I didn't break the generational curse that was passed on to me by mother and grandmothers before me.

CPTSD has taught me a lot of things about myself. It taught me that the abuse I suffered was not justified. It doesn't define who I am. Unfortunately my mother modeled toxic behavior that I hoped I would not mimic. Sadly, I was wrong. So wrong. I hope someday to be able to build a healthy relationship with my children. I may not forgive my mother for what she...and at times my father...did. But I can work on forgiving myself and being a better person and mother.

[indramond]

When the body isn't a wonderland

For the past 9 months, I have felt like a stranger in my own body. It has been invaded by a malignant cyst, benign cysts, fibroids, various lumps in my breasts, aches and pains, an off functioning heart, etc. Some of this is a natural occurrence. Things I didn't know my body would go through once I reached 35. Others are of my own doing. I was smoker on and off for 16 years and finally quit last summer after an alarming visit to the ER. That is where the cancerous cyst was first discovered in my lung. I have had more emergency room and hospital visits in this past year than in my 30 something years of existence. Being diagnosed with lung cancer was very scary and surreal.

For awhile, I have been thinking that I wouldn't live to see 40. I even spoke that into the atmosphere..."if I make it to 40...". Well now I want more than ever to see the big 4-0. Thankfully my cancer was stage 1 and the surgical procedure I endured seemed to be the right treatment. No chemo, no radiation, or immunotherapy. I pray that I am out of the woodwork, and can start feeling like myself again. I stopped smoking and have no intention to start again. The cysts in both of my breasts are being monitored. I will have another mammogram at the end of this year. Thankfully breast cancer does not run on either side of my family. Sadly, heart disease does and I will need to watch my diet, and get more productive exercise.

Every morning on my bus ride to the ferry terminal, I see an elderly man walking with weights. One in each hand. We always seem to catch him at the right time. Walking in front of the junior high. I look forward to seeing him because he's a reminder. He reminds me of what I need to do in order to stay healthy and feel like my body is truly a wonderland. I took my youth in my 20s and teens for granted. Now I have to face the fact that my body can only do so much on it's own. It needs me to protect and nurture it so that I can make it to see 40...and 50, 60, etc.

[indramond]

I'd be lying if I said I haven't been a hypocrite. I haven't always practiced what I preached. Yet I always find it interesting how others can be so comfortable in the blanket of their hypocrisy. But I love it even more when they get their karma for it. Case in point:

Years ago, I made the mistake of dating the much older brother of a girl I went to school with. We'll call him "William". He was 20 years older than me. We met through a mutual friend of ours. Everything started off okay. We went on dates, met each other's families, he would spend the night, and we were intimate with each other. Until he dumped me via text. He wouldn't tell me why and I cussed him out. I called him on the phone yelling and he hung up on me twice. I know I know...not the most emotionally stable thing to do. My sister got ahold of him and he told her why he was ending the relationship. He said I was deranged, he didn't think I was a good person or a good mother to my children. He didn't think I was someone that should be around his child. He had a son from a previous relationship that lived on the East Coast with his mother. We'll get back to that in a bit.

As upset and angry as I was, I had to do some serious self reflection. He was right that I wasn't a good parent. I was lax on guiding my children's behavior and didn't set good boundaries. I was also neglectful and disrespectful to my children...very very similar to my own mother's treatment of me. I will talk more about her in a future blog.

Well fast forward years later...I find out through a mutual friend that William and his now wife "Zasha" were arrested and charged with selling methamphetamines to a narc near a school! If I recall, both were convicted on all charges and sentenced to less than 5 years. I don't call if they got prison time or jail time and probation. William appealed his conviction but only two charges were dropped due to insufficient evidence. The main charges stuck. So this fool, who didn't think I was suitable for his son to be around, thought a meth head was an appropriate stepparent for his son. See, we never know what's really going on with people. What they really aren't showing you or telling you. I also found out that William had a habit of jumping from woman to woman. When I met him, he had just ended a 3 month relationship and engagement to another woman. That should've been a red flag right there! He got engaged to another chick 6 months after we broke up. They married but had the marriage annulled couple months later. Months later, he became engaged to his now wife and the next year was arrested for selling drugs with her. He even tried to throw her under the bus in his appeal to get his sentence and conviction overturned. Claiming that she was the one distributing the drugs not him. Along with using his psychological disorders as an excuse. It didn't really work. There was evidence to support the more serious charges of his case.

All in all, William was just an unhealthy person who was a hypocrite and a shyster. As well as most likely a drug addict. He may have even found another woman while we were dating and that's why he dumped me so abruptly. What gets to me is that he couldn't wife up his son's mother, but was quick to wife up other women he wasn't in long term relationships with. The fact he was willing to sacrifice his job, freedom, reputation, and life for a tweaker who was in and out of jail shows what a clown and pathetic excuse of a man he was. Probably still is...along with being a hypocrite.

[indramond]

"It's always the ones with the dirty hands pointing fingers"- Unknown

[indramond]

 "Should I just stop trying and give up?  But then, that's exactly what they're waiting for me to do."- Tupac Amaru Shakur (1971-1996)

Happy heavenly birthday Pac!!

[indramond]

Life Lesson 101: F' Around & Find Out

As much as I dislike the saying "in this day and age"...I'm going to use it in regards to a serious life lesson. In this day and age, it's not wise to pull up on others. Whether at their house, job, church, or etc. Because you never know when you will come across the wrong one. Or as I like to call them "the Right One". I say all of this after the verdict in the Travis Rudolph murder trial. Now I didn't know the details of this case until I researched it yesterday. The jury made the right decision and I'm so happy that Travis was found not guilty on all counts. For more information on this case here is a link to an article about it:

While it is sad that a young man lost his life, and another young man had to take a life to defend his and his family's, this was a situation of "fuck around and find out". Choosing to confront someone at their home doesn't always end well. Especially when you're riding around with other people who are up to no good, and are carrying a weapon. All of this senseless chaos and death because a female was in her feelings about her ex-boyfriend talking to another woman. People, especially the young bucks of the Zillennial Generation (aka Gen Z), need to learn and understand how to handle conflict and tense situations in an appropriate manner. This is not the 70s where you can just run up to someone's house and try to attack them. There's a reason some states, such as ratchet ass Florida, have the Stand Your Ground Law. So please be smart out here and don't think you can just run up on everyone or anyone without consequence. Rant over!

Peace & Love- E

[indramond]

Entitlement & Racism (Long Read)

The whole "Citi Bike Karen" incident has been on my mind a lot lately. It's made me think about my own noxious and traumatic encounters with people who were entitled. Entitled to think that they have more of a right to something or to be present some where than I do. Case in point...Halloween 2016.

I took my then 9 year old daughter to trick or treat downtown in a neighboring town. There was a bouncy house in the parking lot of a local church who was putting on a Halloween carnival. I took my daughter over there and noticed an older woman in the bounce house, holding a baby with a small boy blocking the entrance to it. The woman was either white or racially ambiguous. The two children, I assume were her grandchildren, were white. I politely said "excuse me" so my daughter could get into the bouncy house as the little boy was blocking the entry. The woman "oh he has to stand there because I'm watching him". I'm thinking to myself "okay but why does he have to stand in front of the entrance?" She could've had him move off to the see where she can still see him if he didn't/couldn't come inside. She saw that we were standing there and refused to make her grandson move so we could get in. I tried to get my daughter to just go around the little boy and she refused. I tried to encourage her to just go in, and she kept saying "I can't". Despite the fact she made no effort to try. Then I proceeded to kneel down to ask the little boy to step aside so my daughter could get in. I was also preparing my mouth to regulate his grandmother if she she decided to protest. Unfortunately my daughter thought I was being mean and proceeded to yell "Mommy, stop it you're being mean". Needless to say I became upset and embarrassed, I grabbed my daughter by the hand, and we left. Once we got home, I told my mother what happened and she proceeded to tell my daughter it wasn't her place to interfere with "grown folks business". Apparently she had acted that way with my mother before. So my mother took her trick or treating around the neighborhood because she was crying. After they got home, I grounded her for 3 days. Going back to the woman in the bouncy house, there was another little boy that had to politely ask the woman to move so he could get out. He kept saying "excuse me" twice but the second time he had to be more loud and assertive to get her to listen and move. I wish I had been like that during this situation.

As someone said on Reddit: "There are some people who feel entitled to control others and think the world evolves around them". The woman in my bouncy house encounter and the "Citi Bike Karen" woman are prime examples, and I do believe race played a factor in both scenarios. Given that the town my daughter and I were in is not very diverse and predominately white. I have been in other situations where I was made to feel uncomfortable, out of place, and unwelcome as the only black person in the group or class. I was made to feel that I had no right to be there because I was a black female. They may not have outright said that. However the microaggressions said it for them.

I made a vow after Halloween 2016 that I was no longer going to tolerate prejudice and passive aggressive behavior from others. I pick and choose my battles but will also let someone know when they're out of pocket. The Citi Bike woman should not have been rewarded $120k+ via GoFundMe for a problem that SHE caused which resulted in her nasty behavior and character being exposed. She will get her karma along with the nasty old witch from the bouncy house. Hopefully sooner than later but eventually they'll get it.

Peace & Love- E

[indramond]

First off...Happy LGBTQ+ Pride Month and Happy heavenly 97th birthday to Auntie Marilyn Monroe!!

Today is the 1st day of PTSD Awareness Month. Two years ago I was diagnosed with CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). This is a condition that develops due to being exposed to chronic traumatic experiences. As a child, I was physically, emotionally, and verbally abused on several occasions. Always justified by my parents and other adults as "discipline". I was also involved in negative encounters that were racially motivated and have culminated in racial trauma. I have several stories that I will definitely being sharing over time about my CPTSD.

I just want to remind everyone living with PTSD/CPTSD that trauma does not define who we are. You do not have to be in the military or law enforcement to have PTSD/CPTSD and NO ONE should be shamed for having it. The reason I chose this water droplet image I found via Google is because water presents vulnerability and healing. PTSD/CPTSD can make you feel vulnerable or frail. But it is possible to feel from traumatic events and recover your life. To take it back and move forward. I hope everything is extra kind to themselves this month and keep pushing ahead. Hold your head up and stay encouraged!

Peace & Love- E