indymoonchild

[indymoonchild]

Update..?

Strangely, I feel that I owe myself an update on this blog, since this is kind of like a dairy...

A dairy that everyone can read if they want to.

Which is okay and my choice, but I don't ever share a link to this blog ever to people that I know. So, hey, if you found it, you are one of the firsts!

But update...

I am together for six months with my boyfriend, and it is going very very well, and still doing better every day. Ofcourse there is still a lot to learn, and our bond is getting stronger. But I have literally nothing to complain about.

Almost every year I struggle with sadness and depression around the colder months, but not this year, so my head has been stuck around the question "why?" A lot. But I know the answer:

it's because I came to the realisation that I have amazing friends who are a great support system, my parents are slowly trying to understand what I am going through and who I am. My boyfriend also helps a lot with keeping my serotonin leveled up (and I try to make him laugh as well). I am also getting the professional help I deserve, like I am getting medication for my ADD, they are screening me to see if I can be tested on ASS (which I think I have), and I am getting a lot of help with practical issues like planning, homework or sensory issues etc.

My internship is also going very well, I get the most freedom in creating art using materials from the atelier. Which helps me practicing my goal to 'just create' and gain confidence in my own art and creations.

Because of the internship, I don't have a job and tge internship doesn't pay me for anything. On the contrary, I have to pay for all the supplies I am using. It's okay, because my mom, being the sweetheart that she is, gives me extra pocket money to get through the months. But I have to start looking for a new job.

One downside is that I keep getting reminded about my past relationship, but I know it's okay. I am healing. There are also a lot of old past memories boiling up that had a lot of uneccesary guilt build up in them. Now I see why I shouldn't feel guilty about those things, memory by memory, my point of view is changing.

So overal, lot of growth, lots of love and building up trust with close ones.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk. I hope you have an amazing day!

Enjoy tge picture I never gotten to post...

Me walking to my car from my internship!

[indymoonchild]

I am learning...

Learning to love unconditionally!

Since I am finally in a healthy relationship, with my (new) boyfriend, I feel like I can be my authentic self. My worries and trauma responses are slowly dissolving, and I am not affraid that I will not receive as much as I give.

All these things make me wanna be the best girlfriend I can be! Be makes me feel at peace and safe. He randomly dances with me and hugs me whenever he can. I am so in love with this guy.

I don't care if he cannot give the certain wanted amount when he is nervous or tired or whatever, whenever I can I will show him all my love because I know whenever he can, he'll show up with a truckload full of love.

Like man, I have never in my life felt this wanted or loved!

[indymoonchild]

What do we have here...

Labels...am I right? Fuck those...

And I mean really, labels suck!

I want to rant but this post is as good as it is. Don't worry, I'll quote it afterwards.

The reason I hate labels is because a 'word' does not define a person, people can not be put in boxes because everything is measured on a spectrum, While labels only work black or white, you are or you are not that label. That is bullshite! (Excuse my language).

I fully stand behind what I just said, but why is it so hard then? To let go of all those labels. For one that our primal instincts, or primal parts in our brain, need to know the difference between 'good' and 'bad' and labels it that way for it's own safety.

That's still a bit true, we need to see the difference between an ally and an enemy

[indymoonchild]

What makes me happy?

Drawing

Disney movies

Doing funny impressions

Being silly in general

[indymoonchild]

When my mood drops; instead of wondering why my mood dropped and beating myself up about it, trying to raise it again; I should just let it go and just feel down till it passes.

[indymoonchild]

"Me: *reading past post* thinking: I have grown so much in just 1 year. I am very proud of you! I am very froud of myself!"

[indymoonchild]

Ah yes, rub it in my face

Some problems solve themselves. How? Well easy...change yourself.

The people around you are a reflection of you, if you have nothing in common with you neighbour, how will you two ever get along? And no, I am not talking about specific interests or objects that bring you both joy persé. I am talking about you and your neighbour's ways of behaving.

For example, me and my 'neighbour' are in a healthy relationship, but I felt like I didn't receive enough love back for the amount that I gave. But it was actually quite the opposite, I received the exact amount of love as the amount I put into my relationship with my neighbour.

Now, I have worked on 'not wanting (or expecting) anything', 'letting go' and 'just be', the last couple days. This mindset made me realize that I am indeed getting the right amount of love, the same amount that I put in. So I stopped worrying and stopped wanting more, instead I gave without asking and without limits.

This backfired in much more love that I actually asked for, for a long time. The only difference was my mindset, and automatically: my communication.

Another example; I was very much affraid that my neighbour didn't want anything to do with the thoughts that go through my head, or that they have lost interest in me in general.

Again, not the case, let me explain. I changed my way of communicating to them, I asked if they are interested in what I have to tell, intead of filling in that they don't want to hear anything (which my neighbour specifically asked not to do, because filling in was one of their main pet peeves).

What I got was excitement, reassurance and interest from my neighbour. The three things that I wanted most just a couple day ago. This shows the effect of letting go (especially of your worries and fears).

Moral of this whole story: change begins with you, and the rest of the world will follow (Which was very obvious and hiding in plain sight all along). And letting go is an amazing example to start with *let it go from frozen playing*.

[indymoonchild]

Spirit guides

01-02-2021

I connected with some of my spiritguides through guided meditation today. I sat in an open field with soft grass and flowers, lots of flowers. Archangel Michaël came to me first, and I was waaaaay to enthousiastic to let them speak. I asked so many questions at once. He showed me 2 other spiritguides: 2 fairies (no wonder, it's so obvious). And 2 others I kind of already knew (which I didn't connect to today), but I feel my mother's grandpa helps me on the creative side and the goddess Hecate helps me spiritualy and with finding my inner witch (I think she also threw me off the tower right before my spiritual awakening). I still feel like someone is missing, defenitly one of my ancestors, but someone else is lurking in from the shadows too.

Archangel Michaël is a guide of my aunt too, but she already knew he was her spiritguide, she works a lot with him.

Thank you for the beautiful meditation, thank you for the garden, thank you spiritguides for connecting with me today.

I have wanted to find out who my spiritguides are for a long time and I feel I am fully ready now. I am so excited to meet them all and ask then for help and guidence and build a bond with them.

I also feel like they have been around so much already, as convo partners or gutfeelings. I have seen them protect me and heard one of their voices, telling me it's gonna be okay.

They have sent a lot of signs and I will only receive many more signs the upcoming days as confirmation for our meeting.

Again, Thank you!

[indymoonchild]

Ik krijg niet terug wat ik erin stop. Stop ik er teveel in? Of hun te weinig? "Oh amilia zou wel wat liefde willen rond deze tijd laat ik dr knuffelen" *krijgt vervolgens niet eens een hand op dr rug of "are you okay?" Tijdens aan paniek aanval*

Michael reassured Amilia CON-STANT. Indy en Michael in gesprek: michael:"Amilia we sluiten je echt niet buiten hoor". Amilia en Michael in gesprek:*gaan door met kletsen tot indy zelf van dr laat horen en sturen 10 gif's en "i love you"s. Indy krijgt een enkele "weltruste sweetie" en "truste..."

Doe ik mezelf dit aan? Altijd als ik passionate over iets praat word ik afgekapt of komt er geen reactie. Ik voel me ongehoord en soms ook ongezien. Ze doen hun eigen ding, het is hun relatie. Ik ben de outsider, em dat zal ik altijd blijven.

Ik ben alleen gelukkig op de good moments. Ze nemen me mee in hun eigen put.

Amilia's wil is wet en als Amilia dr zin niet krijgt dan gaat ze constant "ok" zeggen en krijgt van Michael vervolgens een hele bak liefde over dr heen. Krijgen Michael en Indy hetzelfde? NEE. Krijgt Indy een bak liefde over dr heen als ze zich kut voelt? Nee, zeker niet zoveel als Amilia en Michael van elkaar krijgen en geven. Beetje lievelingetje spelen...

Met hun omgaan geeft rust, en happiness. Maar tegelijkertijd ook heel veel angst, ik loop op mn tenen om Amilia niet te kwetsen of pissig te maken, stress en soms ook ongeliefd doordat ik zie hoe hun elkaar opvreten enAmilia 10x op een dag klaar laten komen...en ze Indy gewoon weer vergeten dat ze op de bank zit.

Soms doet samen zijn meer pijn, want als ik weg wil kan ik niet weg, want ik wil niet weg. Ik kom mezelf zo hard tegen bij hun, lang daar zijn is mentaal heftig, vooral als er ruzie is geweest of iemand een truth bomb op Amilia heeft gegooid. Amilia word altijd pissig en begint met guilttrippin "oh het is ook altijd Amilia's schuld" zegt ze dan "ik doe altijd alles fout". JE DOET NIET ALLES FOUT, JE REAGEERT SOMS GEWOON VET KUT OP IETS DAT NIET KUT IS. JE REAGEERT NAAR, OP IETS DAT LEUK HOORT TEZIJN WAARDOOR JIJ ONS GUILDTRIPT. En zelf wel zeggen dat Michael degene is die als enige doet guilttrippen. Ik mag niet eens sex hebben met mijn eigen vriend...en zij krijgt alle pussy en dick die ze wenst (not always dick maar wel altijd aandacht als ze erom vraagt).

Ik lijk een beetje de lijm te zijn van een brug die practisch aan het instorten is maar gek genoeg nog steeds staat na alle onzin die er zich heeft afgespeeld.

Ik probeer momenteel de goede dingen erbij te pakken, maar na afgelopen paar dagen zijn die ver te zoeken naast de kleine dingetjes. De dingen die er voor mij echt toe deden...als dit een test was waren ze allebei flink gezakt (EN HOE!)

Maar ik kan niet van ze vragen zichzelf op te offeren...ik moet minder geven. Ik kom mezelf echt vet hard tegen in die mensen...stelletje mafkezen...

Ondank al die BULLSHIT hou ik toch van ze...

Geen poetisch mooi geschreven bericht, dit was echt een rant... maar dit is mijn pagina, en ik doe wat ik wil.

[indymoonchild]

Dating is weird again

So... a couple monthe ago I talked about my upcoming crush. He was in my class, but my feelings for him got debunked waaaay to soon.

At the same time, I met a guy online, let's call him Ron. Ron was a kind guy, liked games, worked a full time job but still went to school once in a while. We had a date, a picknic in the woods in a city close to us both. It was nice, just no spark.

I wanted to believe there was a spark, but my depression showed me otherwise. My depression also being the reason why I cut him off in the first place.

After a week or 2/3 I met another guy on the same app. If I am honest, the app was just a reason for me to let time pass by talking to people and being a little less lonely.

But this other guy, actually I didn't expect much but something in me said I had to swipe right, so I did. I swiped right.

A day has passed. A DAY. And he tells me he has a girlfriend. "Okay, a girlfriend, sure, why tf is he on this app" I thought. He continues to tell that they both are looking for a 3rd person. I wouldn't be honest if I tell you that THAT didn't make me even a little bit happy (I always had interest in a poly relationship, I always missed the attention of a girl when I dated a guy and vice versa).

A WEEK NOW HAS PASSED, and I am sitting on their damn freaking couch. Hugging and kissing and... yeah, it went all a little bit fast and it was very scary, but I feel they have no bad intentions.

A month has passed... and I feel like one of the luckiest girls on this freakin' planet! This is insane, after 2 years of on and off dating but being generally alone, a fucked up past around relationships. And then there are 2 people who are already together for a long time, who want YOU and only YOU. And make YOU feel like you mean the world to them.

Idk where I am, how this happend, where this is going to be...but I feel like it's the best that happend to me in a very very very long time. For the first time in my WHOLE GODDAMN LIFE I am CERTAIN about my romantic feelings towards a person, persons actually. I fell head over heels for the both of them.

Amilia & Michael 30/11/2020 ❤

[indymoonchild]

The piece to my puzzle

A couple weeks ago I was talking to my girlfriend and boyfriend about puzzlepieces (lifelessons) and what their puzzle looked like. They both had completly different visualizations of their puzzles, but were puzzles nontheless.

But it got me thinking; what does my puzzle look like? At that time I didn't get any answers, until now...

My 'puzzle' isn't a puzzle (anymore?). It is a garden! Different kinds of greenery for different subjects in my life, some plants and flowers have already been cared for amazingly, while others have been forgotten and are basically dead. But at a lot of area's, only the seeds have been planted and need to be nurtured and cared for. Some trees just started growing their fruits while others are already 20 meters high, full of apples and oranges.

Why is it a garden? I already have all my pieces together, I know who I am, where my talents and fails lie and the things that I need to work on. It's just a matter of growing.

[indymoonchild]

NOTE TO SELF

About: starting to date my (upcoming) crush

So there's this guy in my class that I am getting closer to everyday, he even called me till 1 am last night, he comforts me (but he is a chill and clmforting dude towards everyone im general), and I would like to date him. Nut I worry a lot and I do have a couple bad habits around dating and maybe even trust issues, so I made a couple promises with myself:

1. You need to hang out one on one for at least once, to see how he is around you alone (and compare this to when people are around).

2. You need to be sure the strong desire and feelings are still there in a couple weeks (so you know it's not just fron getting his attention, or that it's only a shoet temporary phase).

3. Make sure that you are sure you are ready to commit and put time and effort into it, because you have to make time for him even in a busy schedule.

3,5. Be sure you are available the week that you ask him on a date (so it won't happen that you need to wait for a week, your nerves can't handle that shit).

[indymoonchild]

Something I should do more often. My inner critict being louder on some days (like today).

[indymoonchild]

Happy spooky season again everyone!! I hope your hot coco tatstes better than ever!! X Indy

[indymoonchild]

Lonelyness kills

It's the desire for something you can't have. Something you are trying so hard to find. Someone you are trying to reach who is unreachable.

It kills your selflove. Kills your appearance. Kills your motivation and inspiration.

It becomes clear, this desire, this feeling, will never end. So you try, with everyone who steps onto your path, to fill that dark gaping emptyness.

To only later find out, the people who you manifested out of your lonliness, are not there to fill the emptiness in your heart, they're here to fill another hole and step on your heart.

But when you realize, the only person that cab fill this emptiness is you, and has always been you. But this takes work, hard hard inner work.

But the little residue of lonelyness will always stay, and always kill. Kill your vibe. Kill your mood. Kill your confidence.

Until you find that one thing that fills that hole.

[indymoonchild]

Future Girlfriend...

Hi, you don't know me yet, but my name is Indy and I like your attention for a minute or 5.

Me in short is, that I love animals, and my house will be filled with different kind of animals and hairy (or slimey) friends. I have always been creative and since I could hold a pencil I drew and made art. I have always wanted to be a fashion designer and , the rest, you'll find out...

But I see our future very clear because, I want to make you smile everyday, and let you feel comfortable around me so you can tell me anything without feeling judged. I get you an extra blanket when you're cold, and I will tuck your hair behind your ear when it's in the way.

I will cook you meals and repair your bike when it's broken. Every morning and night I will kiss and hug you tightly, and inbetween hugs and kisses are always welcome. I am not very focussed on the sexual intimacy. And you will have to make it very clear to me what you want, I am not very good at picking up flirty hints.

I have been hurt a lot of times, and if you are too that is totally okay, we will help eachother through the anxiety and healingprocess. The one bad thing that could happen is that I could fall down in a hole again, what you'll have to do is give me space and support and we'll rule the world.

I wanna be there for you when you are ill, having bad times or just need someone to hold your hand. I'd drop anything for you.

And the only thing I ask in return is everything, because thats what I'll give you.

Besides...I am very flexible and open for changes...

[indymoonchild]

Dating is weird

I had a couple of 'dates' in the amost 2 years I am single. Amd recently got a real date with a guy. But the last couple days I have been doubting my sexuality...again... so I go by queer now until I make up my mind.

But! I seem to like girls, at least they take up way more space in my head than before. "Omg that girl looks so cute" "that dress is so flattering on her" "should I ask her onna date?". Which made me think: I should pick up online dating again!

So I rushed to the appstore and downloaded tinder, liked a lot of girls whom I shared the same interests with or were just very very adorable and pretty. The first 2 days, nothing really happend. The 3rd when I wanted to delete the app and confirmed the mission failed, I got tons of matches, and from one girl too. Her name (for privacy reasons) was Mandy. Mandy was in her first day talking to me very interested in me and I had a real laugh with her. But today, the second day, she already seemed less interested.

The fact that Mandy felt less interested in me isn't my biggest issue, but the fact that I was worrying about her reaction towards me and my jokes was what concerned me. I realized that online dating isn't for me and that I need to feel a real human connection fave to face, in order to feel confident and comfortable. And to know I am someone's priority, amd not 2nd or 3rd choice to chat with.

So for the future, I hope I'll meet a girl who doesn't get slowly bored with me on the 2nd day, while I confidentaly tell her my most stupid joke and she snorts soda out of her nose, and we laugh about it for a week or two. No hiding or worrying about small things.