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It hasn’t been like this since just after Bucharest. When things were freer, and the pressures they faced were that of stressful jobs and overly cheery bosses. But it was different then. Excited and fast-paced, the thrill of twelve years of lost time to be caught up on, exploring every part of their new relationship.

It’s different now. For the first time in sixteen years they’re completely out of sync. She knows how to make a home in his arms as well as he knows how to hold her but the missing time has taken its toll. She hates the betraying voice in the back of her mind telling her that she married a different man. He doesn’t want to tell her what happened because he doesn’t want to hear about what happened during the gap in his memories. The blank spot in which her version of himself was with her. He doesn’t want to hear about him. The way her heart broke, he sees it in her eyes.

Daisy pulled him aside after he got back and held him tight- possibly tighter than Mack.

“Yeah, missed you too.”

“I don’t know what we would have done- I can’t lose you.”

He swallowed dryly. He doesn’t like seeing Daisy cry. He misses when he first met her, when she smiled and laughed and made goofy jokes and never once imagined that her life could change this much in so little time.

She looks at him and searches for any trace of the boy with the untucked plaid shirts and curly hair who had a puppy crush on her for about five seconds all those years ago. They seem like two entirely different people.

“If you hadn’t come back,”

“I know,” he said, not wanting to hear it.

She shook her head. “No. Jemma wouldn’t have made it. She was going mad, Fitz. It was like I lost my two best friends at once.”

“I’m here. I’m home.” It’s a mantra that’s been playing in his head since he got back to earth, grounding him, even when it felt fake.

“This isn’t home. We deserve- you deserve a real home. We can’t keep living like this.”

She’s right.

“Fitz?” Jemma calls.

“Go.” Daisy pushes him away lightly. In a different context, on another day it would be playful. “She needs you.”

Still, as appreciated as it is, the sex is just another way to avoid talking about it.

He doesn’t know how to talk to her without reminding her of the husband that she lost, that she can’t ever get back, and she doesn’t know how to make it so that he isn’t obsessed with that other version of himself. Communication was their gift. So in tune they could read each other’s minds. It’s not that they’ve forgotten how to, but that they’re both resistant. Neither wants to be the one to start the talk, dredge up all that pain and anger again just to relive it. But they know how to do this. They know how to wrap around each other until they forget everything but the sensation of being in each other’s embrace and they can pretend that everything is normal. That if they open their eyes the sun will be streaming in the bedroom window and they’ll be living a nice, normal life, some farfetched fantasy that they could believe in just a few years ago. The idea of running away together feels so out of reach, but every moment they spend in the grips of near-death, saving the world exhausts them a little more.

She sometimes thinks that she’s given all she has to give and if all they can do for the rest of their lives is hold each other just so, that would be good. Honor and duty are all fine and good, but at a certain point, it’s all moot. She’s not sure precisely when the line was crossed, but it’s been years too long. They need to leave.

They can’t leave.

He doesn’t want to think about it. With her in his arms, snuggled tight in the warmth of their bed (not the one he remembers, from the Playground, but she’s comfortable there, and where ever she is becomes home) he briefly entertains the notion of just, staying. Just like this. They’ll take Deke up on his offer, let him buy them a castle, two, three castles. He’s made enough to support them for the rest of their lives if they don’t do a thing, and he does sort of owe them for his existence. They could raise a family. Or not, he’s not sure whether they can handle that at this point, after all they’ve been through.

(There’s always been an unspoken agreement that eventually, inevitably, Simmons will discover she’s pregnant and they’ll freak out before fading into awe and pride and jubilation and they’ll stay at Shield for a bit but by the time she’s showing they’ll be settling into a cottage in Perthshire, somewhere where his mum and her parents can visit and the team can drop by to say hi, meet the baby, and then hop back on the jet and go back to saving the world. They could even put in a home laboratory in the basement. Or they could swear off science altogether and devote the rest of their lives to breakfast in bed and being the sort of parents that will raise a daughter that won’t marry the sort of a man who will cause her to eventually have a child that will turn out like Deke.)

But that was always in the future. A set of decisions made easy by a swift-approaching deadline and their commitment to their little family. They’ve lost their direction, unable to make the decisions to take themselves out of the equation, to safety, when it’s only their lives at risk. Their futures. No one wants to make the next move, not when everything around them is falling apart. Let this be a constant. Let them be the constant. They’ll stay because they’ve always stayed, and always will.

This is familiar. No version of them doesn’t know how to do this, doesn’t know how to seek each other out and hold them until their minds don’t have to force the world to make any sense because the world fades to the background, and only they are left. Because of course they are. They’ll always be left with each other. That’s the promise, the vow so sacred that saying it aloud does nothing to lessen it. A truth, so fundamental and constant it might as well be taught in the courses they took at the academy, right next to the laws of thermodynamics. They know it to be true, and so it is. Obviously.

They’ll always find their way back to each other, because how could they not? As the world falls apart around them and they struggle to speak they know that they will end up with each other, whatever it takes.

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#follow your dreams

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YO.

Let’s talk. 

Let’s have a throw down. 

This. Ep. Was. AWESOME.

Was it as good as “The Return”? Hell, no. 

There are very few that are as good as “The Return”. And “Self Control” will be the fave supreme of the entire series in my opinion.

The ep was great. All the twists and action and bla bla bla - GREAT. 

But let’s talk FitzSimmons (as usual).

Do you realize we get to see them – yet again – in a whole different dynamic?????

Let me preface…

1A - Just friends. 

1B - Fitz likes Jemma. Jemma thinks they’re Just Friends.

2A - Fitz likes Jemma. Who knows what the hell Jemma thinks? 

2B - Fitz likes (and is butthurt) by Jemma. Jemma misses Fitz’s friendship. Again. Who knows what else the hell Jemma thinks? 

3A - Fitz loves Jemma. Jemma is who knows where. And then #lovetriangle 

3B - Fitz loves Jemma. Jemma loves Fitz. Takes them awhile to do something about it. Fitz has no idea about how deep her love runs. 

4A - Fitz loves Jemma. Jemma loves Fitz. They share a room. They are happy but don’t see each other that often.

4B - Fitz loves Jemma. Jemma loves Fitz. They share a room. They are sharing everything else. They are happy. Marvel has a problem with that. 

4C - Fitz loves Jemma, but the Doctor wants her dead. Jemma loves Fitz. AIDA has a problem with that.

5A - Fitz loves Jemma. Jemma loves Fitz. But they’re not together. Even with this passionate, all-consuming love, they’re not together. Because the person coming between them… is Fitz himself.

I don’t know about you, but I’m so here for it. 

I think…  I would’ve felt jipped if they resolved everything in this episode. Like, no. We wanted an authentic way of Fitz dealing with his trauma. We got it. It would’ve been out-of-character for him to kiss her or whatever else, squeezed in with everything else going on in the ep. And then, it would’ve been 4A dynamic all over again. There’s nothing wrong with that, but I love that this is a fresh dynamic for them.

It is clear to us they love each other so damn much. And they probably won’t love anyone else. That makes for different scenes than, for example, 3A or 2B. I think that’s so cool. 

They absolutely could feature them as a couple in 5x01 – I’m not ruling it out. But the vibe I get is that the Framework jumpstarted a whole new narrative with the FitzSimmons story. And I’m so here for it.

And speaking of the Framework…

It’s clear to me (now) that this wasn’t a FitzSimmons finding each other story at all. It was a revelation of the depth of Jemma’s love for Fitz.

Yeah, she didn’t reach him like we thought she would. She didn’t wake him up.

Love wasn’t enough.

But it also – kinda – was in parts. 

She prevented Ward (of all fake people) from shooting him. She constantly defended his character and deflected any plan of attack on the Doctor. She didn’t try to defend herself against him and hurt him, even at the risk of her dying. 

Her love wasn’t enough. 

But she did save him in some ways. 

Not with the fanfare of Radcliffe. 

But she did.

She never would’ve dreamed of this outcome. In “Self Control”, she was all but ready to throw in the towel, thinking she lost him forever.

In the Framework, after the death of Alistair Fitz, she was ready to throw in the towel, thinking she lost him forever.

Now. 

It’s up to Fitz to save himself. She’s done all she’s can.

I’m not saying she’s thrilled with the situation. They’re in this sort of limbo. It’s weird. It’s unsettling. 

But at least he’s alive! 

She may not be happy about it, but she’s hella relieved. 

Let’s let them live in that awkward space where not everything is figured out, and healing takes precedent over anything else. 

Let them have a “watch the sunrise” relationship for as long as they need. 

Let them have the luxury of a pause. It’s something that people in their line of work rarely get. It’s either all or nothing, right? 

Maybe it isn’t. Maybe there’s more. 

Let’s see how things play out in season 5, okay? 

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to be honest i thought the finale was a bit underwhelming and not nearly as gripping as some of the past season finales have been BUT man oh man it was also honestly the most unintentionally hilarious episode i’ve ever seen on this show

like

robbie coming back, chain whipping a couple robots and then casually greeting daisy like what up fam what’d i miss

may and coulson discussing how badly he fucked up while they’re in the busted remains of the bunker trying to stop aida from destroying the world

daisy and robbie having a cute little moment while mack and yo yo are unconscious 2 feet away from them

fitz trying to talk aida down from her murder spree by telling her to listen to SAD MUSIC instead, like dude we know you mean well but adele is the last thing aida needs right now

lmd jemma pointing out for like the 25th time that the A in aida stands for artificial because even robot jemma has a near-pathological need to be right and a burning hatred for the bitch who almost stole her man

jemma with the MACHINE GUN and giving off hardcore ripley vibes

the mental image of coulson making a deal with the ghost rider, i mean how did that even happen like um excuse me mr rider i need to borrow you from robbie into my body for like 45 minutes while i murder the evil robot turned evil human that one of my agents created please thank you he can have you back after

ghost!coulson and aida falling through 3 portals and almost getting hit by a subway car

radcliffe waiting for the end of the world on a beach with a drink and disappearing in the middle of his own big goodbye speech, like wow writers rude did you have to cut him off like that but also MOOD

the collective eye rolls by everyone on the team when they got busted at the diner

agents in SPACE and the mental image of this team getting shoved into a rocket and launched into outer space like i am certain mack and yoyo were 10000% NOT HERE FOR THAT SHIT and put up a big fight and had to be restrained by 15 guys and then they woke up to see asteroids floating by and immediately handed in their resignation letters to coulson effective immediately once they got back down to earth

listen, this show has many problems but it is also truly truly hilarious if you just turn off your brain for 45 minutes

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We’re all in this together.

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yeah so i’m just ignoring canon rn and gonna say the episode ended with the team eating in the diner and totally not some weird space bullshit that came out of left field

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#surprised but not necessarily disappointed….?

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You know…I think this is the first time we’ve all been together in a really long time.

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Agents of S.P.A.C.E.

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It’s gonna be a long 9 months, my friends.

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AoS coming back in january can only mean one thing:

The finale is going to leave us in more of a panic than season 2′s did.

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congratulations everyone you’re in for another year of horrible jokes thanks for coming along for the ride

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TONIGHT WE ARE VICTORIOUS, CHAMPAGNE POURING OVER US, ALL MY FRIENDS WE’RE GLORIOUS, TONIGHT WE ARE VICTORIOUS!!!

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I think Jemma closing her eyes may have been the most powerful moment of any character in the whole series for me. Her rebellion was evident in her quiet strength. She was defiant, she was raw, and she was determined to not remember Fitz as the Doctor. She held onto her love for him even as she faced her death by his hands.