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one of the more valuable things I’ve learned in life as a survivor of a mentally unstable parent is that it is likely that no one has thought through it as much as you have. 

no, your friend probably has not noticed they cut you off four times in this conversation. 

no, your brother didn’t realize his music was that loud while you were studying. 

no, your bff or S.O. doesn’t remember that you’re on a tight deadline right now.

no, no one else is paying attention to the four power dynamics at play in your friend group right now.  

a habit of abused kids, especially kids with unstable parents, is the tendency to notice every little detail. We magnify small nuances into major things, largely because small nuances quickly became breaking points for parents. Managing moods, reading the room, perceiving danger in the order of words, the shift of body weight….it’s all a natural outgrowth of trying to manage unstable parents from a young age. 

Here’s the thing: most people don’t do that. I’m not saying everyone else is oblivious, I’m saying the over analysis of minor nuances is a habit of abuse. 

I have a rule: I do not respond to subtext. This includes guilt tripping, silent treatments, passive aggressive behavior, etc. I see it. I notice it. I even sometimes have to analyze it and take a deep breath and CHOOSE not to respond. Because whether it’s really there or just me over-reading things that actually don’t mean anything, the habit of lending credence to the part of me that sees danger in the wrong shift of body weight…that’s toxic for me. And dangerous to my relationships. 

The best thing I ever did for myself and my relationships was insist upon frank communication and a categorical denial of subtext. For some people this is a moral stance. For survivors of mentally unstable parents this is a requirement of recovery. 

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I have a friend who always says one thing to me when I call her to vent about whatever troubles that particular week has brought my way and I wind up inevitably beating myself up over my part in how that came to be.....She always says “HEY! Be nice to my friend!” and it has a 100% success rate in getting me to snap back to reality and remember that you HAVE to give yourself a break.

You HAVE to give yourself the same courtesy you give your friends when they need encouragement and support. You HAVE to speak kindly to yourself and whisper sweet nothings in your own GD ear because you don’t need anyone else watching your back if you’re taking care of that on your own. 

So listen to this article and listen to my friend and be nice to yourself. Be a good friend to you bc let’s face it, you’re not going anywhere. 

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i wrote this and needed a reminder as to why i need to get my ass back out there running again. thanks, self. 

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I know what you’re thinking...can’t wait to see the fail pic posts of my attempts at these...but definitely going to try these out for Tuesday’s festivities!

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PODCASTS PODCASTS PODCASTS

My friend Alyssa and I have spent the past few weeks now playing this wonderful back and forth ping pong game of wellness recommendations and I just have to say, it’s giving me LIFE right now. 

We started with books which ventured to on to podcasts featuring the authors of said books which then lead to their blogs/websites and so on and so on. Before I knew it, I was knee deep in a world of supportive resources all focused on one thing: YOU. On forging a bond with yourself to focus on the things that bring out your best you and to cut ties with anything that no longer serves you. On reminding yourself that you’re a badass bitch and you’re awesome (because deep down, we are all awesome if we want to be) at the end of every day. 

So which ones should you check out? Here are my current faves and the ones that are in current rotation:

http://www.almost30podcast.com/  

https://www.loriharder.com/podcast/

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/gabrielle-bernstein/id341081292?mt=2

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on deck for next week’s meal prep!

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I’ll admit, I’ve never thought of going on a wall crawl, nor have I ever heard of such a thing, but SIGN ME UP. Checking out all of these. 

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Really though, who is going to buy this for me? Pretty please? 

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omega.

It’s well past my bed time as I am expected to report to my less than challenging desk job tomorrow but the more important thing here is this: it’s well past my time in terms of needing to sit down and write. To write something, anything. 

One thing we are all aware of is this: we weren’t meant to just get by. 

Lately, that’s what it’s felt like for me at least. A struggle to not only get by, but find something that strikes a chord in my soul that resonates throughout my entire being. The kind of shockwave that jolts me back to the realization that I only get to do this life thing ONCE and if I’m not happy with where I’m at right now, if I’m just getting by, well that’s just not fucking good enough. 

Now let me take a step back and say this, that aforementioned statement comes at the tail end of a major heartbreak, several career (mis)steps and a TON of soul searching. Anyone anywhere from say 27-onwards can attest to how normal these moments of realizations are, but that doesn’t make your own experience with it any less valid or worthy of writing about. That’s one thing I’ve always struggled with. I’ve always fought the fact that others can relate to basically anything I’ve dealt with. I always wanted my struggle to be unfathomable to anyone else, some huge uphill battle that no one else could ever possibly really relate to, but that’s bullshit. Regardless of what you’re going through, the searing pain that accompanies severing a phantom limb attached to a lost lover, losing friends without the chance to say goodbye, realizing that your parents are getting older and you’re at the age where you could lose them at any moment and never have you felt more childlike and helpless than when that thought crosses your mind. None of these things are groundbreaking, none of these are things that just started happening in the great span of human existence and none of these things make your human experience more meaningful than anyone else’s. My point here is this: IT’S NOT A COMPETITION. It’s a collaboration. 

One thing that defines us as humans is our ability to empathize and commiserate when life shoves itself down your throat forcing you to find a way to breathe through it all. Why did I run from that? Why have I always wanted to be so separated from everyone I encounter every day? An inflated sense of self awareness? Maniacal ego? Fear of not being special, even in suffering? How ridiculous is that? How does that make ANYTHING more bearable? 

ANSWER: it doesn’t, fool. (me calling myself the fool, unless you too have ever been in my shoes. In that case, then you too, are a damn fool and it’s about time someone tells you that).

So back to this concept surrounding collaboration. Maybe this just came to me or maybe this is due to the discovery of Banks and Steelz’s new album, an insanely creative mashup of two artists I wouldn’t have ever imagined on the same bill, let alone track (after glorious track). Two completely separate experiences, yet these men were able to not only capitalize on their differences but weave them together in a tantalizing way that touches virtually all of your senses. That’s something. That’s not just “getting by” it’s way more than that. It’s something to strive for, something to remember on those island days where all you want is to be alone. Sure, not all of us are as gifted as RZA and Paul Banks but maybe we have glimmers of what they bring to the table in our own rights- writing, performing, working, hell just even being a decent fucking human when someone you come across needs that. 

There’s more. There is always something more and as long as we remember that, we’ll take the idea of getting by and crush it, kill it, prove our former selves so wrong that there’s no way in hell we could ever go back. 

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Anybody else exhausted from the weekend? Let’s mix some #mondaymotivation with a little #mememonday

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It’s that time of year again!!!! Everyone I know is riddling our conversations with topics of the diets they’ve just begun or the latest work out regimens they’re obsessed with and I actually welcome it. I find it inspiring to be surrounded by people who are working towards a goal they’ve set for no other reason than wanting to be a better version of self than they were yesterday. Maybe that’s the result of having a pretty tough year and going through a ton of transition myself, but you start to realize it’s not about changing, it’s about finding out who you really are and moving forward accordingly.

I’ve always struggled with sticking with one type of workout for any long period of time, but I’m learning to make that work for me, instead of frustrate me. I have always hated running, always gave up before really trying and always let tiny injuries keep me from making any real progress. That is until I had my heart broken and the BEST thing, hell the only thing, that helped me feel like myself again was pounding the pavement a few times a week. I beat my literal lifelong best mile (yes, a better run now at 29 than when I was 16 and probably more fully capable) and started to see my body change in ways it never has. 

I really didn’t set out tonight to start along some self righteous go me! post, I just wanted to share that while I’ve made progress with a goal that I’ve wanted for a long time, it’s now time for me to mix it up again. Yes, I’ll still incorporate running into my weekly routine (even if only to maintain my sanity) but that’s a beast I feel I’m tackling and before I get bored with it, I’m going to add something else into the mix along with a dietary challenge, hence the HIIT and Whole30 title of this post.

Maybe this all boils down to my 30th birthday coming up in a little over a month, but hell....If I’m going to be at my emotional/professional/mental best when 29 ends, I might as well go full circle and make sure this body is right there with the rest of me. 

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#ISS tracks it’s way across the moon. 📸 by Elliot Severn

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The telescope is an ego dismantling device.

Neil deGrasse Tyson “StarTalk Radio” (via capturingthecosmos)

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Time changes everything and nothing all at once. 

My bf is 2 hours away at grad school and we broke up 3 weeks ago still being very much in love but having a hard time with the distance/stressed bc of his thesis/my difficult(former) job. I know he thinks that when he moves back home in June, we'll get back together and it's a hope I have too. I'm appreciating the time apart to focus on me and Super You has been a GREAT help in sorting this all out in my head, just wondering what your thoughts are. Maybe the holidays are making me miss him more?

Three weeks means you’re still in it. Give yourself more time to be unsorted. Give yourself more space to think it through. I think you should proceed as if you aren’t getting back together, that way you either get a lovely surprise or you get to proceed with your awesome life as usual without pining. 

Pining seems like it’ll be awesome and noble and romantic but it’s actually pretty lame for the piner. Your life shouldn’t be put on ice for anyone- if he’s the right guy, he’ll come back when you’re both ready. 

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