ingestiblechaos

[ingestiblechaos]

your hair really does fall out when you don’t get enough nutrition.

i always thought ‘it won’t happen to me’ ‘i’ll be careful’ ‘it won’t get that bad’.

but you are not in control. your ed is.

somehow i convinced myself i was still in control when i was pulling out multiple strands of hair everytime i put my fingers through it. and when i would wake up itching my scalp. when my pillow was uncomfortable because it was covered in my hairs. when i got bald patches that i thought i could hide. when i realised that another week at this rate and i would lose half of my hair. when i felt like my only good physical trait was gone.

eds make you lose yourself. you do not ‘have it under control. please ask for help, becauae learning to care for yourself is the best feeling.

[ingestiblechaos]

made a recovery calendar!!

it tracks breakfast, lunch, and tea for each day. not what i eat, but whether i manage to have that meal. and im just gonna highlight it in green if i do! my new start date is the 18th. and i know recovery isnt linear and i will have relapses. but i feel like documenting my recovery will help it feel more official and real. im gonna stick it on my wall and put reminders on my phone too.

plus highlighting the little boxes green is soooo satisfying!!💚💚

[ingestiblechaos]

[ingestiblechaos]

drawing the irrational ed thoughts bc this disorder is trying to kill me and im just trying to survive. ‼️‼️tw

none of these thoughts are true. it’s just what your brain tells you

[ingestiblechaos]

i was waiting till i was ‘sick enough’. i would’ve waited forever.

i was waiting till i felt like i ‘deserved’ nourishment. i would’ve waited forever.

i wanted it to go on long enough, and to be severe enough, to be valid. and i’ve ruined my health in irreversible ways.

i spent months alone unable to leave my room. i knew i was waiting for something. but i didn’t know what. i begged myself to be better but i was still waiting for rock bottom.

i wanted to shine. to be visible. for my sick body to make me visible. i wanted to scare and worry people. and i wanted them to see how much i was hurting. i wanted numbers and blood test results. physical evidence. scars weren’t enough. i needed an accomplishment. a project. a story of sacrifice.

for me, hospital was a place of validation. a theatre of sickness. i wanted to be there. and, when i wasn’t there, i wanted to go back.

i craved warnings. i craved the ‘unwanted’ ‘irreversible’ ‘scary’ symptoms. i sought out forums and posts that warned me away from it. because it was my only source of validation.

it was a way to feel ‘worried about’ and ‘cared for’ without having to hurt/worry anyone in my real life.

i still don’t have any answers. i still don’t have the commitment to recover. i still lack the energy to do basic tasks.

but maybe one day i will stop waiting for something that will never come and was never worth it.

[ingestiblechaos]

Look at you still going on when you've wanted to give up so many times. Look at how you picked yourself up even when you didn't think it was possible. Look at all you've managed to survive.

It's really easy to be critical of ourselves, but you deserve credit for so much that you don't give yourself credit for.

[ingestiblechaos]

this is awful. i managed to go on a 30min walk to get out of the flat. but now im back to being stuck in bed. i cant even sit up to draw im that tired. and ive got to somehow survive a 5hour coach journey on tuesday bc i decided to travel across the country to visit ppl. but fuck it we ball

[ingestiblechaos]

now is great time to concentrate on the things that you can control.. go for a walk, write in your journal, plan a yummy snack for yourself. what’s a small-term goal you can concentrate on within the next few hours? make your bed, start a new video game, set a timer and doodle for 3 minutes? let’s get that dopamine going 💛

[ingestiblechaos]

spent 6 hours trying to fight off the physical fatigue by taking iron and pushing myself to sit up. but actually just remembered i hadnt fucking eaten. and that’s why.

it’s almost like food is energy and you can’t have energy without it or soemthing ;;

[ingestiblechaos]

Why don’t we let the guy whose every plan could be reasonably construed as an abstract suicide attempt take a crack it

[ingestiblechaos]

just went to the shop, bought some eggs, and made scrambled eggs. i haven’t showered in weeks, haven’t left the flat for anything other than doctors appointments, my depression and ed thoughts have teamed up. and i feel so alone in struggling this much. but you know what, i’m my own team. and there’s people rooting for me to be ok again. it doesn’t look like im trying but i am. and this is all i can do right now. i know this isn’t enough to get better. and that no matter how hard i try i will probably still be stuck in bed most days till i find my way out of crisis mode. but i need to find comfort anyways, even if i can’t get better right now.

[ingestiblechaos]

Your inner child deserves to be loved even when it feels helpless, weak and not equipped to handle life.

We so often keep perpetuating the same kind of abuse we experienced in our childhood towards the parts of us we deem the weakest, most fragile.

But we can break that pattern.

[ingestiblechaos]

[Text ID: It’s okay. I can’t complain. I go to work, go to school, come home, say [italics] I’d rather kill myself than go to the grocery store [end italics], and go to the grocery store. /End ID]

Maria Gray, from “Bad Nostalgia”

[ingestiblechaos]

I really need you to start believing in yourself the way you want others to. Stop waiting for outside validation to honor your worth.

[ingestiblechaos]

We live in a culture that romanticizes illness. I hope you learn to romanticize your healing, however that looks for you.

[ingestiblechaos]

I hope you heal so much that taking care of yourself is one of your favorite things to do and I hope you can forgive yourself for everything you did before you got there

[ingestiblechaos]

recovering doesn't mean not having urges to relapse, recovering means fighting those urges 🤍