inkdrenchedfox-blog - Tumblr blog

[inkdrenchedfox-blog]

Friends, s9 e17

“I mean, if I had known the last time I saw you would be the last time, l I would have stopped to memorize your face, the way you moved. Everything about you. If I had known the last time I kissed you would be the last time I never would have stopped”

[inkdrenchedfox-blog]

A second intro - Why I’m starting the blog

Alright, let’s start by declaring how much writing and blogging experience I have right now.

as a writer, i occasionally write. when shit hits the fan I write things. When I’m pissed at someone, I write things. When there are things that cloud my mind or just thing that I need to explain to myself, I write things.

But all of these are written in private, for my eyes only, and they happen around twice a month at most.

I have never willingly written formal writings, so it’s safe to say that I’m just a casual journal type kind of a writer.

But quite recently, I’m feeling the need to write thoughts down, or just to talk to myself while my brain documents the ramblings.

Well recently I’m feeling quite down and shitty and writing usually kind of helps.. But aside from that, it’s one of those random shower thoughts where I kind of just said to myself “hey, do you ever wonder how many words run through your mind throughout the course of the day, and just kind of disappears and becomes forgotten?”

So here enters -- The Blog.

Unlike writing, which I’m fortunate enough to have a magazine level of vocabulary, I have ZERO experience in blogging. Heck, I even googled blog tutorials before writing this post. (and it seems Blogger is better in texted based posts ha ha ha).

So according to the quick research of definitions or formats or technical shenanigans(which by the way if I haven’t emphasized enough, i hate technical stuff), i’ve decided to try making this online informal journal. The gods of the interwebs have pointed me to this direction.

Another thing is that I want some space where I can freely write anything I want, the usual Word sessions are good but this time I want to be doing to more frequently, and be just more.... “out there”. And even if nobody reads these ramblings, it’s perfectly fine.

Truth is though, I have actually made an account before but for a different purpose, it was more of a business type/artwork dump account, plus people know me there. I want to be completely anonymous from the people I know this time. The writings here will just be between tumblr, myself and you, you unfortunate reader.

well i guess that’s it. my brain feels all typed out, writing cravings are gone, and I think i pretty much have successfully written what I wanted to say(although i kind of just successfully materialize 60% of what i really wanted to say soletshopeblogginghelpsmewiththat.) 

Inkfox out.

[inkdrenchedfox-blog]

maybe this isnt the right time. maybe it wasnt just meant to be

[inkdrenchedfox-blog]

Alright I think things are now finished, the last object reminding me of the thing we had is now gone from my possession.

The thing we had.. it was just a hookup, you made it clear before we did the first meetup, that you weren’t interested in a romantic relationship. We were just lonely and frustrated.  I forced meaning into things, and I turned you into a character you’re not. I guess this I my thing, this is what I meant when I told im a bit of a Mosby, i love to put drama in the mundane.

I’m sorry. I may deny it a lot but the truth is, I’m still the naïve young person looking for “the one”. I’m looking for someone witty enough to keep up with my random topics in conversations, fun enough to laugh at things I find slightly amusing and a bit childish enough to like the shitty memes I share too often.

and when I met you, after months of meeting dull people, and discovering you’re someone slightly fitting the description, I immediately got excited.

You seemed cold at first, someone who appeared conscious of the one year age gap and was willing to be take the role of the older and mature one. After a few hours of walking and talking in the middle of the cold night, it was slowly becoming obvious that you were also tired of things around you.

You were so distant, until you finally caved in. We started holding hands, distance between us closing in until you were finally comfortable with me. We sat down somewhere to rest, enjoyed the silence of the sleeping city as we are the only ones awake in the seemingly dead night.

Then there were cuddling, sneaky kissing and playful touches between giggles, chatting and joking, then when morning almost came I walked you home.

We did this twice, the second time being more romantic and intense, almost having sex if we weren’t going to be busy with academics and other things the day after.

We exchanged texts quite frequently, cute sweet ones.

Until we suddenly didn’t.

Until the moment you told me to stay away or I’ll get hurt. Until you went cold and distant, more than the usual distance you make when you’re just being embarrassed.

This is where things started to become off, where I thought I was going to lose you, knowing later that maybe I didn’t have you in the first place.

The usual sweet messages, with all the cancerous emojis i found cute, were replaced by one word replies, and later, messages that were telling me to find someone else.

I became desperate. I tried to act serious as if we had a relationship, only most likely driving you farther.

The more I try to fix things, the more you seem to feel bad about everything about us, this went on for weeks and was about to become worse.

You suddenly told me you’re in some kind of deep shit, something you’re trying to fix. During this time you were obviously not doing well, you started ignoring my chats, replying only almost once a week.

You never tell me things at this point anymore.

Then came the worst week, when you told me to back of or else i could be questioned if you would ever be successful in killing yourself.

So I did. I told you I was going to stop with the romantic advances and attempts for a while, that id give you space.

I wasn’t planning on giving up on you, but you took it differently.

about two weeks passed, you seemed better. We chatted occasionally, but nothing romantic or sweet. I thought things would go back to how they were used to, until I jokingly asked for the little gift exchanged we planned some time ago. “Oh. I thought it was over”, you said.

Receiving that text, I smiled, realizing I was the only one too caught in my own ideas.

My supposedly gift for you turned into something that reminded me of my own immaturity and stupidity, I wanted to get rid of it as soon as possible. So I bugged you for quite some time, for a last meetup.

It was brief, but thank you for taking it.

I can finally say thank you for the memories.

It was just a casual hookup. This is how dating works. I’m sorry it seems I didn’t get the memo :)

[inkdrenchedfox-blog]

It’s been a while since Ive written things.

Hi there nonexistent readers, this post will be the mark of my first ever tumblr post (wow!)

I really don’t know how this shit works, so ill just explore things while i go.

It’s been a while since Ive tried writing things. Nowadays I just write phrases on sketchpads, phrases that supposedly contain a thousand words worth of meaning. 

I used to write a lot in high school, heck i thought i was going to be a writer. But then reality kicked in, I got lazy, I got into art, and I just kind of lost the habit to type ramblings on a Word document. (and btw yes ill just be rambling, my posts most likely won’t have a definite structure... i’m really just writing as if im speaking. So if you, my friend, are easily irritated by long nonsense then i have bad news for you)

I just kind of started doing this again recently, writing to nowhere just gave me peace somehow before, and I thought I would just make an online anonymous persona because why the heck not.

So in this blog goes all the pent up things i just want to let out. starting with the next post.