inkfarm

[inkfarm]

you look like clara bow in this light

a great poet once wrote about a fake town with fake people and fake cars and fake schools and fake bars and one real thing

that's a great way to describe how i felt about university pre-'21

so i dragged this girl here and she was like "no, they won't accept me, my grades aren't good enough, i'm not smart enough, blah blah blah" and i said "you worry too much"

and so fast forward and lo and behold it all works out but then the stress and the weight and the grief of undone [everything] around [everyone] is so, so, so painful

and whatever shamble of people we had curated started splintering and cracking and naturally someone has to shoulder the blame

[i can do that] [in the worst kind of way though]

mind you ; another midterm. another midterm. coffee break x1000. exam season. assignment due date approaching x10000. oh my god i want this degree more than i want to breathe. [ping] [ring] [notification] [alert] [ding] [ring] [notify] [hello] [school calling]

so eventually you're just like

my god get me the hell out of this god damn prison

and you take a billion trains and gather some stupid experiences but at the end of the day you're just sitting on the floor like

would all of those people hate me less if i was just less stressed or something

and would i have been so flighty and confused if i had just had time to think or thought i did or knew i did

so university has been great thank you for asking !

[inkfarm]

weird circumstantial butterfly wings brought you to me in some weird questionable way

and you asked me if i would mind that you wished to cage me forever and ever

phrased unlike a question, more the shape of a promise, the first of 100 million pinky swears that cradled us to sleep

dimly sunlit mornings remind me of hopelessly dreaming beside you

i'll be thinking about our impromptu nighttime road trips

it's weird to meet people who fled the education system when you yourself are so buried underneath it all of the time. it's like meeting a real human being for the first time. oh wow, a heart, in a real chest, that i can see breathing and you think about things besides grades, grades, grades, grades. you paint and it's for the freedom of it. you write because you love to speak. how does it feel, to be so free, and not even know it?

he used to think i was much better off because i had an education behind me. an odd thing to say. in relativity i can say ive succeeded in one corner of feat - ive glanced incredible opportunities while girls far, far away die begging to learn new things. then i skip class while a daughter across the universe silently hangs above my head, and something in it just irks me, why do we claw and claw and claw and claw as girls just for a chance of saying anything at all

university drained me but it was meant to be uplifting

a million thank you's for reminding me the real world still exists for us

x

[inkfarm]

superficiality almost killed the both of us and yet somehow it might be the thing to save the day anyways

giving you a first chance ended in a hard stuck tea stain

trust issues wrapped neatly into a playlist

grudges held from two provinces over

a year of quiet obsession brought me squarely into phase two of loving you inside and out where i thought you had learned - you thought you had learned - more likely we misjudged the length of a drawn out process in motion

so it's over before it began and i'm whisked away to cities and riding on subways and ringing your name in the back of my mind

no i dont have a type

bit after bit after bit after bit we built this chapter by hand - oh my god i hardly recognized you, my how you've...grown...are you even still here.

one tiny giggle at a time i think you're somewhere in there. we're pirates. i like to thieve and follow your maps

i'd bury you in roses and violets and tulips and daisies and build you a flower crown from dandelions and id wrap you in silk blankets and brush out your new curls for forever if you said youd come home to let us take care of you

[inkfarm]

in beginnings;

firsthand attempts at new worlds/sciences/independent being

a halloween party from hell featuring all the wrong kinds of masks

up close and personal your experience rings almost like a flashbang which ive attempted recreation of but only in anger and rage

there had to have been some way to wipe you clean

give it time - then a few years - and a little bit more time

i knew we were broken but never expected you to die for your work

rosalind franklin sees you and the world can't change without your sacrificial personality just as it couldn't have without hers.

in pulling back the focus, in piercing veils, in an uber i cant afford, in a neighbour i cant recognize, in innocent camera flashes turned lineup choosing turned vampire living i just know this system has ruined you beyond something comprehensible. when i peek through the gaps of your teeth i still see hope in darkness and joy in simple things. you are simple things. we were simple things.

i could have burnt a building down yesterday. i could feel how badly you wanted it. instead i reminded you who we were. we took a walk around our old town. we look different now. you are taller. my hair is shorter. i see you everywhere but you.

[inkfarm]

welcome to inkfarm

clocks keep ticking and wheels keep turning 5 years into this degree i'll settle on a biologist title with an engineering mindset. to turn one small machine into some kind of unstoppable monster;

community building 1 story at a time

kintsugi broken hearts of rainbow pathways

welcome to the university