inkstainsandpapercuts

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Placebo effect: Depression and Prayer

If it takes my knees bent for over a hundred days

whether on marble or salt, i would gladly do it for you.

If it's prayer that could make you forgive me

 then ensure that even my tombstone has a girl on the headstone 

wanting to hear your laughter.

Build a cathedral on the site of my death, 

make sure the halls are as empty and void

 as i was the days following your departure

Fill it with people begging for the absolution of grievances

Just as i filled myself up 

with alcohol and nicotine. 

Make sure that there's a mass each day,

make sure that the people are louder

than the silence that engulfed me. 

Keep it as busy as you were on all the days i whispered 

and begged for you to return.

Make it so beautiful 

as we were 

that it mesmerizes who lays eyes on it

 and then deconstruct it

 and forget about it

 just like you did with me.

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baka ang kwento natin ay para sa bukas or makalawa pa

hanggang kailan ba kita aantayin

anim na buwan na kasi eh

anim na buwan na kitang inaantay bumalik

kahit di ka naman na wala

hanggang kailan ba tayo ganto

na papagod na kong kaka asa sayo

bakit ba tayo umabot sa ganito

baka nga ang kwento natin ay para sa susunod pa

kasi ayokong maniwalang tapos na

baka bukas o makalawa umuwi ka na?

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Mag iisang taon na kong umaasa sayo

Siguro kasi tang ina ko naman at napakagago

na inakala ko na ang isang tulad mo ay titingin sakin

nakakatawa na tila ang bilis mag iba ng ihip ng hangin

kung nuo’y araw araw tayo mag kausap at di nawawalan ng pinaguusapan

ngayon nag haanap nalang ako ng dahilan

upang ang tinig iyong boses and ang kintab ng iyong mga mata ay muli kong madatnan

yoko na eh pero sa isang linggo mga apat na beses nalang naman kitang naalala

okay na yun siguro sa ganto tayo matatapos

sa kawalan ng simula at sa madaming hinto

pasensiya ka na kasi sayo pa din ako tumatakbo

o kaya may mga gabi na pinagdadasal ko na pwede ka dito

ewan ko ba kung ano ang sira ng ulo ko

pero alam ko kasi walang mas masaya pa kaysa sa tunog ng notif mo

jusko nababaliw na ata ako

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I’m tired of seeing that green dot next to your name and not seeing a check mark next to my message

I say good night an hour earlier sometimes two

you don’t even notice do you?

And yet I wonder why is it that I can’t just give up on you

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sa ganto

sa ganto tayo magtatapos

sa kakulangan ng salita

sa pag pagbabaliwala

sana dumating ang araw na di na ko mag aalintana

pero sa ganto tayo magtatapos

di ko na mararamdaman ang tamis ng iyong haplos

sa ganto tayo magtatapos

sa pag tapat ng alas dos

ika’y lilinasan at ang puso ko’y mag uunos

sa ganto tayo magtatapos

sa pag tatanong sa diyos

ano naman ang mali ko ngayon

bakit sa ganito kami nagtapos 

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510

Here’s the things I wish I could tell you,

Dear you,

I sometimes think that you’re the Ross to my Rachel, the Barney to my Robin minus the separation. 

Maybe the Ted to my Robin or the Marshall to my Lily, the Dr. Gregory House MD to my Dr. Lisa Cuddy or simply just the You to Me.

It has been 510 days and 21 hours, don’t freak, I used an app, since I first met you.

The only time I wrote you about you was the time it marked a year but here it was since I never let you read it:

“It’s been a year since you squeezed your way into my universe. It’s so fucked up how I’m still thinking about you and I. 12 months and 48 weeks later I’m still thinking about that 15 minute date. I swear I’d freeze time and keep us there if I could but we both waved negatives when asked if  we should. I’m young and dumb but I wish I was smart and numb. Maybe it wouldn’t have gotten to this point. Maybe the flashbacks wouldn’t be so bad.”

But they still are. The flashbacks are still there.

Every time i pass by those places, I swear, sometimes all I can do is stare.

I wonder if I miss you or the idea of you or us. 

I find it weird how quickly I let you win over my trust.

I wonder if the stars would fall just for us.

There have been a lot of words exchanged between us, a lot of feelings, mostly from my end.

I like you. I miss you. I’m sorry. I’m mad at you. 

Never an I love you.

I hope it stays that way.

I hope my feelings for you go away.

They were for a while and then I see something, and I instantly think of you.

I suddenly message you, suddenly wanna see you, wanna be near you, want to be held by you.

I’ve dated, I got myself involved with people who didn’t deserve me, ironic though, all those times with them flee cause I get a message from you and I’m suddenly filled with glee.

Drunk off my ass, I told you it was always you.

Biggest mistake but that day I learned you wanted me too.

So what’s the word for us?

Is it scared?

Is it trapped?

Is it illegal?

Or maybe its just me

Maybe the word is delusional

perhaps emotional

I’m tried of running back to you. All the time. Every single time. I don’t want to look for you or initiate a conversation.

I’ve been doing fine since I found out the official status of this relation.

But god damn it, must you find a way back to me?

Or must I?

It’s been fine, the small talk, the one ended effort, the last attempts to save the friendship.

I’ve been learning to not have feelings for you anymore.

Then what, last night, your friend looks for me?

Why does she even know me?

What do you even tell her about me?

More importantly, 

no matter what you say, my feelings will always be my responsibility.

I will like you regardless of whether or not I know you like me back. 

So hey, you do know that i like you.

Do me a favor, stay away.

I can’t do it.

You already are but please try harder for the both of us?

I don’t like getting seenzoned, I don’t like getting ignored.

I was supposed to see you tonight, told myself I’d study instead but here you are stuck in my head.

I’ve left this in your hands, the ball is on your court.

It has always been.

I want us.

I want to take that risk and fall, and come crashing and burning so long as I have you by my side but you aren’t willing to do the same.

So be the one to go away.

Don’t talk about me.

It’s getting so hard living in this “maybe someday” fantasy

I’m going to do my part. 

From now on, no more talking about you or thinking about you or messaging you.

please go away forever or until you decided to finally stay.

I can’t promise you sunshine and rainbows, I may be a wreck from time to time, i fucking hurricane too but my storm is worth staying for. 

I’ll never let you spend a day without feeling cared for.

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There are mirrors I’d rather not pass in fear of them being the Erised. Our photographs still wave as if they mock me. The portraits on the wall ask me how you are.

M Manese, Minerva McGonagone (via wordsanonph)

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I wanna run away again. 

I’m shutting down again.

Please help.

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What catches my attention is that a person like you is trying to get attention

It’s a bar, people are catching up and drinking

Yet there you are, isolating yourself from a group of 20 in their 20s

I swear if I had the skill I’d join you in your game of darts

and make sure you’d take an arrow straight to the heart

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Self Eulogy

If there’s anything I’ll miss most about this girl is that she’s so awfully low maintenance. 

When I was in college, for one of my classes we had to visit this exhibit at SM Megamall, when were done, the rain started pouring and we had no umbrellas but that didn’t get to her. 

We got lost in Mandaluyong once with less than 500 in our pockets and no way of getting home, the other two people we were with were tearing up but she had nothing but a laugh despite being afraid. 

She called me up one day asking how to get to Ateneo or UP, or Katipunan in general and I asked her why, she said she missed someone and had a lot of free time. 

With her, it’s either you do or you don’t.

I look at you now and I’m glad you’ve found your peace.  

Because we talked about anything and everything under the sun, I remember asking you how you wanted to die, you said you wanted to drown. I asked, “why, that would be such a lovely way to look bloated on your own funeral.”

You laughed and said that if there’s anything you learned in life it’s that the downs, the whites, the blacks are all necessary to appreciate the ups, the color and the joys. Wabi sabi; Yin and yang.

You said this was necessary to remember how blessed and loved we are.

You wanted to drown because you wanted to deserve your peace and win your last battle.

I asked you what you wanted to happen to your body, you said you wanted to be buried so that if the world felt too heavy, we could always go home to you.

I joked by saying “hanggang sa huli talaga umaasa kang babalikan ka” and you cried and laughed and cried.

Then you said you wanted to be a tree, I didn’t have to ask why.

Even in the last moments of your life, you wanted to give something to this world. 

You were always a clash of extremes. You gave but refused to receive. 

You gave your laugh, your tears, your anger, your joy, your silence, your noise and your voice to this world but most of all, to us.

You gave justice to your self proclaimed role in our lives as “The person you don’t want to turn into.”

You always reminded us to be kind even to those who didn’t deserve it. You told us that the universe was ever expanding, we have to claim or make our spot, otherwise focus on creating our own universe. 

You always gave and gave and now you receive something you always said you wanted and deserved. 

To hell and back you said, and to hell and back you did. Please don’t visit me tonight. 

I quote Spinelli, when I say, you were always bendable light, you shone around every corner of our day. 

I quote Phipps when I say, I hope your heaven is a library.

You died a daughter, a sister, a friend and a mom to most of us here. When it rains and i have a bar of kitkat with me, I will remember you and give justice to what you’ve done. 

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Love, my dear, is a wonderful feeling. I don't think anyone has successfully put into words how beautiful it actually is but like the poets out there I'll try.

Love is when you wake up in the morning smiling. It's when you see him/her/it/lol screw  stereotypes next to you

Love is when you wake up and he may not be beside you but when you look at your phone, there's a message waiting for you, or a conversation from the night that was worth while.

Love is when you have lunch but make sure to remind the other person to drop their stuff and go grab a bite.

Love is when your day is long and you're tired but just seeing him makes your heart happy.

Love is when you don't talk but it's comfortable because there are some things that words can not deliver.

Love is when he asks and he ask but he'll actually remember.

It's when you put his needs before yours.

Love is when he isn't ashamed of you regardless of how screwed up you are.

It's when he's in trouble you know whether or not you should say anything.

You'd be more than willing to go through the hassles and pains of public transport just to see them.

Its when you know whether or not they're okay.

It's when you'd be willing to go the extra mile for them.

Love is when you actually manage to complete each others sentences at last once a month. This actually happens.

Love is when whether or not they look their best, in your eyes, no one actually compares to them.

Love is when you end the night thinking of them and they think of you too.

Love is when you know about his family and he talks to you about it.

Love is when you could talk about anything and everything under the sun and it would be so interesting not because of the content but because of the passion in their eyes.

Love is when you don't see him all the time, or you don't talk to him but then you know it's there.

Love is when he doesn't need to kiss you to make you feel loved.

Love is hug on your hardest day.

Love is motivation to be a better person, to work harder, for the two of you but most especially for yourself because you want to be good enough.

Love is honesty.

Love is trust.

Love is understanding.

Love is hard work.

Love is effort.

Love is forgiveness because the person deserves it.

Sometimes love is letting go, most times, it's holding on.

Love is pain.

Love is going home.

Love is figuring out that home is a person.

I'll tell you what isn't love.

Love isn't no communication because we live in the digital world, nothing is too hard.

Love isn't a struggle to keep up with conversations.

Love isn't the disrespect of your views and morals.

Love isn't disrespect.

Love isn't force.

Love isn't excuses and lies.

Love isn't convincing yourself that this is it.

Love isn't going to bed at night sad two nights in a row

Love isn't simply knowing, love is doing.

Love isn't fights and manipulation.

Love isn't looking for an excuse to walk out.

Love isn't an excuse to cheat.

Love isn't the absence of doubt or fear, love is faith knocking at your door.

Love isn't putting someone on a pedestal, it's being equal.

I'm talking to myself, but this applies to you too.

You my dear, deserve so much more than a boy who simply has words to say or simply does things. You deserve someone who is a balance. You deserve someone who is just as willing to give as he is to take.

You deserve mornings of joy and nights of peaceful slumber. You deserve someone who'll go after you when you walk out unless it's absolutely for the best.

You deserve replies and good morning texts, you deserve dates, you deserve to be introduced to friends and family and you deserved to be that sunshine at the end of gloomy days.

You deserve flowers and gifts. You deserve to be picked up and dropped off. You deserve effort. I've seen the rowdiest, rudest boys turn Shakespeare for the girl they like. It exists.

You deserve to be asked about your day, you deserve "i wish you were here" you deserve respect and trust. You deserve care and affection.

You deserve just as much as you are willing to give.

Remember that yes, you are in love with someone else but you deserve to have love for yourself. You deserve to not feel lost. You are still an individual whose uniqueness and wonder has been held by someone and that someone has chosen to keep you through light and dark, through ups and downs.

love is when someone looks at you like this ""For nothing, not the sun, not the rain, not even the brightest star in the darkest sky, could compare to the wonder of you.""

and its the same when you look at them

and yes i just had to quote a book HAHAAH

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Behindhand

It bothers me how I managed to put this off for two months. To be fair, I did a pretty good job of keeping busy and/or running away. I didn’t think I had the strength to sit down and go through this.

2015 was a killer year. Graduating, attending that concert, working, starting college, meeting new people, getting my heart broken (lol), etc. Wondering if the year was great because we spent 5 months doing nothing. Bless the shift in the academic calendar.

2016 however has been a bum so far but then due to recent events, I’m reminded of how much I’ve grown as a person and that I can manage to turn this all around.

Here are the things I’m reminding myself of because they were also what I learned in the past 13 months.

You will fail, and fail and fail. Then you will pass. Then fail again. C’est la vie. The highs and lows are crucial.

Always be careful of the stories you share or the people you share them to. Most times, people don’t care, they’re just curious.

1st impressions last but they are almost always wrong.

Age is just a number when it comes to making friends. Befriend someone younger to keep your innocence intact, to be a mentor, to remember to look at things simpler. Befriend someone older to listen to their stories,to learn, to grow, to remind them that they are still young.

Make small gestures to show someone you love them even if it’s just a call.

“There are no goodbyes between us; just see you laters.” Some friendships will withstand the test of time, distance and space. Keep your doors open because people will keep entering and exiting.

It’s okay to cry over your phone, your bag, your ups and downs. It’s okay to not be okay.

Concerts are enjoyable but so is everything so long as you have good company.

Never get drunk off tequila if all you ate was cake and chips. Also, try not to sleep on your bed when you’re wasted unless you’re prepared with a vomit bucket or you have the guts to clean up whatever it is that’ll surprise you in the morning.

Always say yes to adventures when you know you can. Some scoldings are worth it. Garbage in, garbage out.

Watch plays, go to museums, indulge in art and culture.

Admit when you need help. Get the help. Listen to help.

Never be ashamed to tell someone you miss them but only if they’re still part of your life. There was a reason you once cut them out and even if it’s tempting to get them back, it has to worth the risk of repeating history.

Get a hobby or better yet a job. 

Don’t underestimate the power of “21 questions” when making friends.

College isn’t hard when you have your shit together enough to know it isn’t together. Work hard. Prioritize. Work smart. Organize. Work enough. Sleep. Work. Eat.

Keep in touch with friends but expect the conflicts in schedule, the late replies and the cancelled plans. Never hold this against them.

ALWAYS BE MATURE ENOUGH NOT TO TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY.

If it isn’t any of your business/doesn’t affect you personally, keep your mouth shut and walk away.

Cut toxic people out.

Just because someone likes you, doesn’t mean they want to date you. Just because they want to date you doesn’t mean they wanna be with you and just because they want to be with you, it doesn’t mean they love you.

Go break your shell. Move around. Keep running. Never stay still.

Have a sense of humor. Lighten the fuck up.

Garbage in, garbage out.

When you run out of motivation for school, remember how hard your parents have been working. If not for them, at least do it for your self. Where do you want to be years from now?

You are not supposed to apologize for feeling hurt and when someone tells you you’ve hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.

A person’s past is not who they are now. Base judgement on actions not on words.

 If you feel like your constantly fighting for someone’s attention, walk away.

Never tell a boy you like him. This is one gender norm, if not the only that you should stick to.

Hand holding, hugging and kissing no longer mean much but it’s okay. Some things are only meant to last in the moment.

Make someone’s day via text or whatever. It’ll make you feel better than they do.

Let people prove they are worth trusting. Either live with the wall or leave the wall.

Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. You have to understand why you felt that way and why you never want to again.

Trust your gut. It’s always right.

Guessing games will get you nowhere.

Texting is never difficult. If you can’t even get one, you are not and will not be a priority. Get over it. 

Admit hurt, defeat and devastation but always accept and carry them gracefully. You are not entitled to inflicting pain on others just because you’re going through something.

Fight for it but don’t turn a blind eye to the red light. When the signs appear, end it with no shame or regret. You’ll see the signs, just don’t be a coward to ignore it.

Delete numbers, throw pictures, rip letters. You owe it yourself to refuse reminders of things that should no longer matter.

How you present yourself matters.

Do whatever it takes to keep busy.

If someone asks you to do something for a wedding, do it. 

Be involved in the lives of your nephews and nieces and cousins even if it’s only limited to small talk and gift giving. It counts.

Keep reading, keep learning. You do not know everything, don’t act like it.

Admit mistakes and apologize even when you don’t want to. Be the bigger person.

Invest in a good skin care routine.

Exercise.

Learn to laugh at yourself.

You will do things you once said you’ll never do. Live with it.

If spending two thousand on food will cheer you up, so be it.

Talk to yourself.

There is a difference between listening and understanding. Listen because you want to and not just because you’re obligated to do so and to respond.

Who you were in the past is still part of who you are now. You shouldn’t be ashamed and afraid to let her resurface when necessary.

Make time for your loved ones.

“ako alam mo, aminado akong bastos ako, na mapanlait ako na minsan sumosobra ako pero hindi ako hyprocrite.Alam ko kung ano ako, hindi ako in denial of my character :)”  Love yourself. 

The universe doesn't owe you anything. No one owes you anything. If you aren't happy, then go do something about it.

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Self Advisory

Hi Self.

You’ve been tired a lot recently.

You’ve been running around.

I don’t blame you.

If anything, 

all I am is proud.

You coped.

You managed.

Somehow you made it.

You may be uneasy 

or anxious.

but heyyyyy youuuu

it’s okay.

This too shall pass.

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What I learned from “Us”

There was never an us.

Never make the first move.

It doesn’t mean anything unless I give it meaning. So you learning my favorite poems, listening to my favorite songs, watching my shows and moves, zilch.

My friends will always see through. I should listen to them.

People know what they want; having to think about it is bullshit.

My patience is really long.

I trust too quickly.

Actions will always speak louder than words.

I should never feel like I’m fighting for your attention.

I am good for some people but some people are not good for me.

It was so unhealthy.

I am so so straightforward.

No one is ever too busy.

If you don’t see it heading anywhere, get out of it.

You always know where you stand. There is no gray area. All in or all out.

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