innerpsyche

[innerpsyche]

[innerpsyche]

[innerpsyche]

[innerpsyche]

who am i without all of my desires, attachments, relationships, and goals?

[innerpsyche]

thoughts, thoughts, thoughts

Happy Full Moon ~ 

Today, I celebrate my successes and struggles. 

In the last month, I have shedded layers of skin. Here are some events: 

-Johnny and Sophia visited Portland during the first week. My heart was filled with joy. They’re always a good time. But our individual drug habits come together and we all just get fucked up -- that part’s bad. Definitely threw me off that week. It was not the best way for me to start the month. Lots of cocaine, lots of alcohol. I did discover my new fun friend and from there, we found teslas. We decided to go to a rave that weekend and had a blast. I ended up running into my rave boyfriend, Fonso. Also had a rave girlfriend, Alicia. Fun times. A few days before, I had pulled an Amy Winehouse and passed out on my bathroom floor while my friends were on my roof tryna get me out of the bathroom because I had locked myself in there and I was 100% unresponsive. They thought I had died. Honestly, if it wasn’t them and it was someone else who found me, that definitely would have been a 911 situation. I was relieved when they had finally left. 

-The following weekend was Jai Wolf with Mena and Geronimo. I bought Geronimo’s ticket from a stranger at a somewhat higher price because it was a sold out show. I felt very friendly after the teslas kicked in and was sooooooooo so happy to be around such high energetic people all night. We went out clubbing after the show and I of course showed off on the dance poles at Dirty. We went back to my house and snacked on bell peppers and hummus and all fell asleep on my bed. I woke up the next morning super groggy and still drunk/high and realized that Geronimo was trying to finger me while I was asleep. It didn’t happen for very long because his alarm went off and he had to leave for work. I felt very disturbed and ashamed that morning. Bryan had also texted me and he carried this enthusiastic vibe in his text message as he told me that he saw me at Jai Wolf dancing all over another guy and didn’t want to “disturb” me. I was clearly upset and at that point, I haven’t seen him in a month. I was deprived, I felt hot, people gave me attention. But I still felt that slut shame afterwards. He ended up being really sweet to me and came over a couple days later and spent the night. He hasn’t done that since December. My heart was happy. 

-I went to Psychedelic Club for the first time in like 6 months! I brought my friend, Chris who I met after Quix’s show at 45East with Sophie and Johnny. We had a fun time hanging out with Carolina and Bella and this girl Elizabeth who’s I think Italian and Filipino? Soooo pretty.

-The following weekend was really nice and chill. Me and Jeni went and saw Jordan’s fire show at Dante’s where I connected with Halo again! I met his girl, Julissa who also is a part of the fire dance group. We only stayed until after Jordan performed, and then we went to the Bithouse Saloon where we met the psychedelic club for this acid dance party. We danced for an hour and ended up at White Owl and danced till 2am. I found my rave boyfriend again, Fonso and hella made out with him so that was fun. I didn’t go super hard that night and we had a pretty good night. I was proud of myself for not going overboard. 

-Okay so this day was pretty bad. I was supposed to go see Dr. Nicholas Powers with Psychedelic Club but decided I needed to write a paper and finish my research for another paper. Didn’t happen. I decided to invite Sevan to Mac’s Wine Cellars for their free wine tasting. They had 5 wines to taste and we only did 2 until we decided to split a bottle. We were there for like 3-4 hours doing our homework and drinking. I had to drop his PCC classes for him because there was no way he was gonna pass those classes at this point. He was upset. Then he invited Gerdy  to come hang out with us and I was pumped because I haven’t seen Gerdy since Kodiak last November. By the time he came I was pretty buzzed and Sevan had asked if I wanted to come to this thing at Mississippi. I decided to come even though my sober Jessa voice screamed “noooooo”. Gerdy drove us to Sevan’s house to meet with his roommates and of course Sevan broke out the half gal vodka. They’re both high functioning alcoholics and I do this thing unconsciously where I try to keep up with the people I’m drinking with. After the third shot, I blacked out.  I woke up in Grady’s couch and he told me that I kept trying to make out with him lol. I also wouldn’t tell him where I lived so he couldn’t buy me a lyft home. My night ended around 10pm. They wouldn’t serve me at the bar we were at. Grady carried me everywhere and helped me vomit. He layed me on the couch at his house, put a trash can near my face, kept all my belongings close to me and set my alarms for work, and slept on the other couch and didn’t abandon me. Bless his heart. Grady has my trust. I invited him to cuddle with me that morning before I had to leave for work. I went to work super fuckin noticeably drunk. The good thing was that it was such a slow morning. By the time I had sobered up, it got busy. But I can’t tell if Jessica and Hannah were happy with me. I did leave Jessica quite a bit to take my “breaks” because I had realized that Brook was on vacation so I hella took advantage of that. I didn’t get a hangover that day, but I was full of shame afterwards and was really quite. 

-I also decided to fly to Colorado for Sonic Bloom during the summer solstice weekend. Cody and I have been talking quite a bit and he offered to buy my ticket if I could get that weekend off. We’ve been facetiming a lot since then and we both had our doubts and our friends felt sketched, but we both had a really good feeling about each other which was why he offered to buy it and I decided to take it. 

-The following weekend I had broken down. After Brook came back from her vacation. Someone had told her that I was drunk the weekend prior and she and I had a serious conversation. She was pissed with me and I felt that miles away. The conversation ended her saying “you broke my trust. and hannah’s, kateri’s, jessica’s, and asia’s” which I interpreted as “you fucked up. we dont trust you. we don’t like you”. she almost fired me but instead sent me home for the week. She asked for me to let her know by the end of the week to let her know if I wanted to continue working there. I already knew my answer was no. Especially after that conversation. So I went home and cried forever. Sevan called me and I told him what happened. I ended up dog/house sitting for him for the week which gave me some time to be away from people for a minute which was good. That day I decided to stop drinking for a while. I’ve decided to go to Refuge Recovery, Shambhala meditation, and Smart Recovery and even sign off of all social media while I sober up and reground myself and focus on school. 

-I had mailed my work key and sent Brook my letter of resignation/apology letter. I had great feedback from her and left me in tears. I appreciate her so much. Hannah ended up reaching out a few days later, and so did Kat. I had mixed feelings about everyone there after that incident. But honestly, I think it’s mainly shame that I was experiencing. There’s no way I can go back there anytime soon without feeling like a piece of shit. 

-I finished the month with Living Prism’s RAW with Mena and River. We went out and had a great time. I didn’t drink either. I lost $34 because I couldn’t find anyone else to come with so that sucked. I have decided to drop acid and had the most fascinating acid experience there. The first two hours was me dancing and socializing. The next two hours was me sitting on my ass over by the balcony upstairs not talking to anyone but was taking hella notes. It was very insightful and entertaining. Sevan was with me till 1:30am. I felt amazing the next day. It was a rich experience. 

-First week of June I made new intentions to work on being more conscious with my decisions. Sure, I may start drinking after I hit my 4 week mark, but I’m trying to not pull an Amy Winehouse. I did a second acid trip with the psychedelic club. We were at Bella’s and I felt like I was hanging out with a bunch of moms. These gals were 20+ years older than me and it was fascinating for me to see how we’re all emotionally and mentally on the same level but we’re so different physically. I loved spending time with them. We’re planning an ayahuasca ceremony together before I leave for Colorado. 

-I finished the spring quarter with straight A’s once again! I worked my ASS off during the last two weeks and spent hourssssss studying and writing two essays. It all paid off. Parent’s are happy and supportive of me not working.  

[innerpsyche]

Cody gave me some weird vibes today. Or maybe I’m just starting to feel insecure and am afraid to disclose too much otherwise he’ll think I’m weird. It’s like the same feeling I get from Bryan. It’s like our energies are not on the same level and it feels like I’m talking to a wall. Like I can’t be silly without having a “bleh” reaction from them and it immediately brings my mood down. Idk if he was having a weird day or something. But I definitely felt myself close up during our call. I felt my body starting to heat up and my heart start to beat really fast, and I couldn’t maintain eye contact so I said I had to go. I hate feeling that way with people though because I’m not the kind of person who likes to engage in small superficial talk. I’m either fucking around or having a heart to heart conversation. It makes me want to really think about that and even think about my relationship with Bryan. I went 6 months of having this superficial relationship with him. We get deep on a physical level but not emotional, and idk if it’s because of me or him. Whenever we’re together, our energies are so low to where we hardly talk to each other and we just go to bed, which can be nice sometimes. But I think I feel unsafe to share certain things with him because he seems like the kind of person who would probably either run away or judge me and doesn’t seem like he’ll be willing to hold that kind of space for me. Elrik was definitely that person and was so afraid of intimacy (especially at first) and emotionally avoidant and there’s no way I can ever be in another relationship like that. I’m not willing to compromise my emotional needs again. I need someone who’s on the same level as me, I’m not willing to settle for less. 

[innerpsyche]

[innerpsyche]

if you’re reading this

a lump sum of money is on the way to you

[innerpsyche]

PEAS 🦆

[innerpsyche]

[innerpsyche]

[innerpsyche]

First adventure of 2015 // January 3, 2015 // Angel’s Rest, Oregon

[innerpsyche]

www.instagram.com/_estebandiacono

[innerpsyche]

[innerpsyche]

[innerpsyche]

so slutty

[innerpsyche]

there’s this boy i think i like. part of me resisting those lovey-dovey-feel-good emotions towards him. part of me is not wanting to show love. why? fear. i fear that if i show love, i’ll feel love, and will be crushed if he doesn’t love me. i fear rejection, i fear pain, and i fear humiliation.

but why should that matter?

it shouldn’t. i should be able to love anyone because we all change and right now is the moment to express your love in any shape or form. life is too short to not give love to your world and everyone in it.