innerthoughtsndemons
Its Me Against The World
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The End.
Today marks my Last Day at Koze.
The baby i have taught/take care/nuture and grow for the past 4 years.
TBH this is really tough for me to accept and let it go. and to think that 6 more days would be the 4th year anniversary of the business and i couldn’t be there anymore its really fucking sad.
I’m still trying to find my closure in this because never have i ever thought that this day will come. I thought that no matter what i will be staying in this company for another 10-20yrs or till the day I retire. This decision came as a surprise and at a unexpected point of my life.
Nonetheless, its been decided and i have signed my papers to withdraw my shares out of the company. Yang will be taking over the company fully. I still remember the day i received the long text from him, that morning, just by reading the text , streams of tears came flowing out of my control. I know this is my time to say goodbye even though i didn’t do anything wrong. Feeling betrayed and lost? Yes. I really dont know what my next chapter of life would be, nvr have i imagined this to happen. But what have been decided is final. I can’t change it anymore. Except for trying to move on and look forward to whats coming up in life.
I have learnt so much in these past years of being in Koze, to grow from the amatuer designer i was to who i am now. So so much mistakes made, my ego , my temper, and my leadership to lead a team, I thank koze for giving me this platform to learn and make all this mistakes now and not in the future. I have learned what are my flaws and what are the things i need to change about myself in this past 4 years.
So i guess instead of dwelling in my sadness, its better I use this break to reflect on all my mistake and see how i can improve on maybe in my own business in the future.
Started out in this industry when i was 20, started my 1st company when i was 22, and ending it at 26. I know i still love my job, am still passionate about it. But now, its time to take a good break and catch on all the sleep that i missed out all these while. I’m not sure what would my next chapter be, and whats my next journey that i will embarked on , but i hope life treats me good in the next few years if i decided to start my own.
Goodbye Koze, Goodbye the baby i loved, Goodbye the team that i grew from nth. Always rmbr this sense of disappointment/betrayal that i feel. This shall be my motivation for my next chapter of life.
8th Sept 2022
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2021.
Hello Tumblr beings,
I contemplated on how i should start off writing the summary of my 2021, because there was so much that went on through in the year, and i don’t even know where to begin which kinda explains why it took me a mth before coming out with this conclusion.
All in all, 2021 was full of challenges and i kinda achieve quite a few things within the year. I purchased my first Branded bag in life, kinda felt like tearing up when i was swiping my card LOL, i think it was because i couldn’t believed it that i finally clearing one of my wishlist, after struggling financially so many years. I got my driving license too after failing for the 5th time, on 20th May 2021, Purchased my First Car after a mth of getting my license too. Also, Koze team grew from just me and Yang to a team of 10 people in a year, Lastly, Finally renovated the house for my parents after talking about it for so many years.
Overall, i think it was a pretty good year in terms of achievement but it came with lots of new and harder challenges to faced, Jobsite problems, managing people, How to balance off between running my own projects while trying to guide newbies in the job and settling their problem. How to manage my temper and patience without flaring up at them so easily. It was super tiring and emotionally draining tbh, cause no matter how fucked up i felt i couldn’t break down so easily in front of people anymore.
We have our highs, when business was doing good and i was taking a 5 digit figure salary a mth given by my age which is rare. Then by the end of the year we had major cash flow issue its like we are going back to ground zero all over again and got to restart our system, Just that this time it was so much more at stake because i need to answer to my employees. I knew we will get over this crisis sooner or later as long as we persevere through it but its just really sickening just the thought that we went back to zero again. i guess its really a huge lesson learnt for me on how to handle money in future.
Emotionally/Mentally, i wasn’t feeling so good this few mths and after reading through the passed few years summary it seems like im always like this by the year end. Maybe it was because i was working so hard the whole year hence whenever it gets to the year end period i get burned out and restless.I just didnt have the motivation to work or much less to do anything. Taking this as my chance to rest before the madness starts again aft cny.
Although given with the achievement that i have built for myself the whole year, this was also the year that i question if im able to do this for life, or more like can i really stay in koze forever? Im really having second thoughts abt this. It was my 3 years mark with Koze and 5th year mark for being a interior designer, since 21, I have had at least 330 days in the year where im only getting 5hours of sleep a day, working 7days a week, i honestly dk how long more can i pull this through.
In 2022, I just hope i’m able to kick start my dried flower business, its smth that im pretty confident right now, If this thing goes well, it will be my ticket to start afresh again and kickstart again. Its also my back up plan if i dont work out with Yang anymore or if one day he decides to kick me out of koze lol. As much as i cant bear to let go of a business that i built 80% with my own hands, i know i cant force to stay if it isn't meant to be anymore too.
2022, My ultimate goal is :
1) Be more firm on my decision and character so that i dont get stepped over again.
2) Be less emotionally attached to my employees, stop sharing so much of my personal thinking to them.
3) Earn and save up at least 80k in my bank
4) Kickstart my Dried flower business with Zo.
5) Lose at least 15kg, cause im seriously at the fat-est stage in my life.
Please be good this year.
01022022 (26yrs old cher)
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I'm just so tired of being here
(These are my poems, my dms and ask are always open)
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Is it normal that I felt NOTHING when this happen? I wasn’t feeling pain/anger/sadness. I wasn’t even breaking down or going crazy.
I just felt so numb and empty, like I can’t feel anything.
This is bad but I kinda have missed this pain lol.
Welcome back, My Demons.
1st relapse after 3 years
-240521
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I have been having mixed feelings lately, and I have come to a conclusion that I’m just not worth to be love for. I don’t see why would anybody be attracted to me and Why would anybody love me and thought of spending rest of their life with me.
Tbh this loneliness having been going on for years and come to think of it whenever I’m facing shit there’s really no one I can look out for and there’s no one who is really there to help me and try to understand what I’m feeling. I just got to get used to that fact and let this reality sink in that I might be alone forever. All my life it will just be me myself and I .
240521
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