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[insanitytbd-blog]

Roll

The idea of building something has grabbed my interest anytime the thought has crossed my min. Not like walking out back and building a new shed for the wifey. Building in the way of building a brand, attracting customers, viewers. Building something that people fall in love with, and make part of their caring lives.

That has nothing to do with anything.

Self-Improvement needs to be a thing that is more track-able. Like if someone could start developing an app that told me how good of a person I was. So I would figure out my level on that leader board, and then go to the tasks section of that app and start knocking em off one by one. Earn those good people points. And then next thing you know... I’m a full on stable adult who’s all good and stuff.

But its not that easy

You need to try to self-reflect and understand and figure out and all these psychologist “lets figure you out” words, to try and figure out where your issues are  coming from. Your then next step is obviously trying to take steps towards fixing those issues.

Its a process.

And Americans hate processes.

The Credits

[insanitytbd-blog]

Who’s the dick?

What do I feel privileged about? What don’t I? I have advantages, and I acknowledge them. But does that require me to feel bad about by my successes? First let me say I don’t think you should feel bad about your successes regardless of what privileges you do or do not have. But I usually do. When success comes for me it either one, weighs on me feeling like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, or two, makes me feel as though my success would make other people unhappy because of them being less successful.

Maybe that's shitty of me. I’m essentially assuming you’ll respond in a negative way towards something you shouldn't. So am I the dick for assuming you might be a dick?

So many questions, not enough drugs. Not enough attention span. Trying to figure that one out soon too.

[insanitytbd-blog]

Selfie-Sabatoge

How do you stop self-sabotaging yourself? It gets to a certain extent where just hating yourself gets really fucking annoying and debilitating to the conscious.

I thought meditating could be a solution to my problems, but I don't feel like anything is getting better consciously. Is it just that I’m unable to see the benefits in the future. Am I just short sighted?

How do you make yourself better. I want to be intelligent, but how do you work towards that. I feel my memory is lacking and I don’t feel I properly retain information.

I just feel like my mind is getting weaker, and I need to figure out a plan to keep it fresh and sharp.

Wish me luck?

[insanitytbd-blog]

hiphopcrsy

The best things happen in my life when I’m in the worst of places.

I get so pissed off at life and everything around me happening, that I say, “Fuck it, fuck you, Ima be happy”; and do something that’s good for myself.

What kind of life is that, where, to spite yourself, you make your life better. Makes no fucking sense.

I get overwhelmed. I sit around with so much I want to do. So many different games I want to play, movies I want to watch, books to read, things to learn, skills to obtain, blogs to write...that I just sit there weighed down by the vastness of choice and just end up binging through meaningless youtube videos to distract the anxiety.

But damn, If something ever comes up in my life where a base of knowledge is needed about unrelated short form video content, y’all gonna love me.

By the way I just made the title and I understand it doesn’t really go with what I wrote. But fuck I had the word hypocrisy on my mind as well as the scene in Adam Sandlers epic, “Big Daddy”,  where the foreign delivery friend is trying to read the word hippopotamus, and instead says “hip-hop annonymous”.

Ahahaahahaha, what a joy. Adam Sandler I’m so sorry for ever doubting your genius.

[insanitytbd-blog]

cheeze

I have a blog. Its official. It’s true. Alert the press, tell mi familia, Ret Con 5, scramble the jets, sunny side the eggs.

Its really not that big of deal.

Why is my third entry in talking about like its the first you might ask. Well... let me know if you figure it out because I sure as hell have no clue why I made this decision. But I made it, so it must be a good one right.

Where does peoples inherit belief in themselves come from. We believe we are the shit, the best thing since sliced bread. Butter it up with... butter. Get some at the sliced cheeeeeeeeeze. Throw it on stove(preferably with a cooking pan inbetween the two) and start making that wonderful GRRRRRRILLLLLLED CHEesE.

I’m hungry.

I really miss having a stove top to cook on and make actual cooked food rather than warming up water to allow prepackaged noodles to get soggy so I dont starve to death. But alas, tis’ the college life.

I don’t know where I was trying to go with this. Just wanted to write. So read it and weep bitches.

[insanitytbd-blog]

Its 4:56

What is it about the early hours of the morning that feel so comforting to me. Its like the more the hours tick past midnight the more comfortable I feel in my own skin. Maybe it has to do with the fact that everyone else around me is almost certainly asleep, and therefore I don’t have to worry about them and their non-actual judgements. 

Im so aware of my irrational fear of other peoples judgements as well as the fact that most people probably don’t give two shits about my life; Yet the constant fear of it remains.

I used to be water. Pure and clear, the full state of myself. Then something, happened. I don’t know what led to it, but I was poured into a Ice cube tray and put in the freezer, slowly changing into a new form. A form set by some mass market faceless company that you don’t even take note of when adding their ice cube trays to your cart in Walmart. I froze for years and years in that bitter cold freezer. Soldifying into my new shape more and more, day by day. Now I understand what was wrong, and have taken myself out of the freezer. But I still stand in the same form of the ice cube from when I was frozen. I just hope that eventually I’ll melt. So I can remember how it feels to be water again.

[insanitytbd-blog]

The Desirable Machine

Imagine a world,a one of accepting and a one of reason. One where logical decisions were of norm as well as total individual right. Meaning, essentially, people didn’t make un-rational decisions such as letting anger cause actions, as well as it was anyones right to do anything they seemed fit as long as it did not infringe on any other person.

Their intelligence was able to understand the vastness of knowledge and endless possibilities of differing personas and thats how a consensus game together, to strike the only rule. Forcefully inflicting oneself on another is prohibited. Leaving everything up to public decision. Persecutors were handled and slowly a general cultural understanding was established. I don’t infringe on your life, you wont have me interfering with yours.