inspiredhearts

[inspiredhearts]

They bring out some of my worst traits that I've been working so hard to improve on.

I'm well-aware that I haven't posted here in sooooo long but I'm just really lazy and I need to let this out here tutal masipag naman ako kahit papaano.

So O and I have a set group of friends na. Sila yung core group na. Nung una, yung mga boys lang ito and then me as O's girlfriend. Fast forward to 2024 may mga partners na sila.

So ito yung mga partners maliban sa amin:

B & R

N & J

E & M

T & V

J & C

C & Z

Hindi masyadong ka-close talaga yung C & Z partners so basta sinama ko na lang dyan hahahaha.

Anyway there have been at least 2 parties na nakasama ko sila. The most recent one nung bandang Pasko.

Hirap pa rin ako makisama sa mga girls pero sa mga guys okay ako since matagal ko na sila kaibigan tsaka alam ko na din trip nila. Sa mga new girls, hindi talaga. Hirap ako kasi iba din ugali nila and trip nila sa life.

So recently nasali ako dun sa GC nila. Last year pa itong GC pero hindi ako ininvite pero long story short sinama na ako ni O and ayun.

Because of this GC lumalabas talaga yung inis ko? Naiinis ako kasi yung mga girls madalas, parang may gustong patunayan lagi ang chat. Parang laging dapat mas lamang sila dun sa nagkkwento. Parang dapat laging may input sila na better dun sa kung ano man topic ng conversation. It's draining for me kahit hindi ako nakikisama kasi talagang nakakapagod mabasa?

I am trying to get to know them better sana para mas makilala ko sila since medyo oversharer sila and I'm trying to use that to my advantage. Kaso naiinis lang ako sa nababasa ko.

Honestly ayokong isipin yung mga iniisip ko, hence this post, kaso wala eh, may strong feelings about it ako and ayun, ilalabas ko na lang dito.

I hate how M seems like this pick-me girl. Lahat na lang may ebas siya, lahat na lang naiinis siya. Magddump ng negativity tapos mag-aapologize kasi parang soul-sucker siya ganon, eh parang ever since naman yung chats niya ganon na eh? Syempre icocomfort siya sa GC and, IDK, naiirita ako kase pwede naman na hindi na lang niya sabihin in the first place.

Iniisip ko na nakikita nila na safe space yung GC, which is maybe for them ganun nga, tapos ayan ako naman yung panira kase ako naiinis ako, pero kase I don't want to be subjected to those kinds of messages or conversations.

Ang lakas kasi talaga ng pagiging pick-me girlies nila. Hindi naman big deal yung isang bagay kung tutuusin pero sila dami gustong ipaglaban tapos parang naghahanap sila ng magsside sa kanila or mag-aaggree?

Tsaka ayun nga, ayaw nila nalalamangan. Nagkkwento lang yung iba, tapos sila din meron na kwento. Gets ko yung may kwento ka na related dun or similar doon, pero tangina naman LAHAT na lang meron sila dapat kwento kahit na sa anak ng pang-apat na pinsan na nila yung kwento or yung kinwento lang nung nakakita. Yung ganon ba? I want to think na hindi ako nagninitpick lang at talagang ganon yung tone and content ng messages nila sa group chat.

AND I HATE MYSELF FOR GETTING AFFECTED BY THIS. Me saying na pick-me girls sila? Me saying na nagpapapansin sila or pabida sila? Me being like this? I don't like this.

Dapat wala naman akong pakealam eh. I can't leave naman sa GC kasi it will spark controversy and tbh yung mga friends ko talaga dun natatawa ako sa mga convo nila or mga pinagsesend nila eh and nakakausapp ko din naman sila doon.

Pero yeah, let me rant about this na lang hanggang sa maging better person na ako. For now kailangan ko talaga ng outlet sa inis ko HAHAAHHA

[inspiredhearts]

Run-down of 2024 so far. . .

Gosh, where does one begin with 7 months worth of 2024? Of course this will be a mess of a post kasi ganyan talaga. I think hindi din ako nagpopost kasi masyado na madami dapat ko sabihin tapos tinatamad ako as usual.

Anyway, let's start with the first month of 2024. January 2024 was one for the books. My sisters and I went back to Japan, and, Kaye, Gian, and Dhey also went there! Hindi kami sabay-sabay and may iba talaga sila pupuntahan so hindi kami magkakasama everyday pero nagkita kaming lahat pagkalapag namin sa Japan (nauna kasi sila) tapos nagkita din kami ni Dhey bago siya umuwi ng Pinas.

It was so fucking surreal na andun kami sa pangarap naming lugar. Na naglibot kami sa Japan. Na we're breathing the same cold air, looking at the same beautiful Skytree light. Naluluha ako every time naaalala ko na nangyari ito. Na hindi namin expect na mangyayari ito this soon. It's so nice.

With that January update, meron pang isang major update. Dad's secretary suffered a stroke. He survived but he's still isn't okay mentally up to now. So nangyari, ako yung nandito sa office ngayon. Days or a week before kami pupuntang Japan nangyari yun so I spent the days before going to Japan na nasa office nagttrabaho. Pagkauwi namin, ayun, ako na yung nandito sa office hanggang ngayon.

I don't remember much sa February except that ayun, first full month ko sa office working.

March, merong IBP Convention na inattendan ko and Oni. During that time, we had talks of getting back together. By the end of March, we got back together. I may or may not elaborate on this or post stuff about our relationship. Depende sa kasipagan ko magtype lols.

Ano pa ba? Since I started working here, it's been a mess sa bahay. Nakakainis kasi hindi naman ako compensated dito, tapos nakakastress. I don't really want to blog about it pero I know it's relevant somehow sa updates hahahaha.

This July nag-aattend kami ng MCLE ni Oni kasi deadline na for the compliance next year. Online pa rin siya though.

Hmm ano pa ba? What inspired me to blog? HAHAHA. Hindi ko maalala kung may topic ba talaga ako na dapat itype.

I'm currently at work kasi and so far lahat ng pending work ko tapos ko na.

Oh wait, we have a new house pala. Since last year pinapagawa pero hindi kami aware. Nasabi lang samin bandang 3rd week of April. Ayun, hindi pa siya maayos and malinis pero tapos na siya. Ako pa lang yung laging natutulog doon because I need my peace. Lol.

Anyway tinatamad na ako sa susunod na lang ulit.

[inspiredhearts]

STILL NOTHING

It has been months and I'm still nothing, still a nobody. Still a coward. Still afraid to go out into the world because I think I'll fail. I am not the strong girl I thought I was. My world is in shambles. I can't be happy.

[inspiredhearts]

Journey to ATTY.

So I haven't written anything about this in detail after passing the Bar exam. Results for the November 2022 Bar exam came out last April 14, 2023. I took the oath and signed the roll of attorneys last May 2 at the PICC.

I have an unfinished post in my drafts about me failing the 2019 exam. I honestly don't know what I wanted to write back then but I will still write about it as much as I can remember.

You see, the review during the Bar is one of the most stressful moments of my life that I actually forgot some details of my life because of it. It's still not as bad as what happened to my brain because of the pandemic and during the pandemic, but still.

Last 2019, I stayed in Manila for the review. The review center was walking distance from the place where I stayed. I was with another classmate that time and she passed the 2019 Bar. Anyway, it was so stressful that time because of the limited water supply. I remember always coming home here in Pampanga because I didn't want to deal with that stress there. Not to mention the long queues at the elevator that I just didn't want to go out anymore.

My stay there was stressful, and humbling. It was also sad. I remember the first nights there I wasn't eating and I was just crying myself to sleep because it was so sad not being with my family. I'm at an unfamiliar place dealing with the lack of water - it really added to the stress.

However, I was also happy because whenever I go home, I get to bring my sisters pasalubong in the form of food. I always bought them Kyochon, and also 24 Chicken. It was really nice.

I also learned how to commute although my route is basically just that - bus to Avenida, then LRT to our place. I never thought I'd ride the LRT but hey, it's cheap, and it's really the easiest way to get there.

I know I'm going to fail the Bar exams because of my answers. I was able to answer everything but I know I didn't answer correctly in most of the Remedial Law questions. I knew that it would be a huge miracle if I passed the exam.

And yes, I failed. I expected that so the blow was somehow lessened but since it was the start of the pandemic when the results were released, it was really a stressful time for us in the family. I still felt like a failure and I felt like a loser.

The next Bar exam was conducted in February 2022. I didn't apply that time because they wanted it to push through in 2021 and the pandemic situation was still not better by then so I just let it go.

Things were somehow getting better in 2022 so I just applied for the November 2022 Bar exam.

The previous exam (the one after the 2019 exam) introduced the digital mode of conducting the exam. They adopted the method in the November 2022 Bar exam, and they'll be adopting in all Bar exams already.

So in May, if I'm not mistaken, I applied for the Bar exams. I enrolled in review classes which started in June 2022. Boy was it all so difficult because I wasn't studying since after the November 2019 exam. I was busy keeping my family alive during the pandemic years because I was the only one going out. I was trying to hold my shit together that time even though my mental health was at an all time chaotic level already.

It was difficult but I was also having fun because now I'm just at home, studying at my own pace, just watching the uploaded recorded review lectures, and basically sleeping to their voices.

I was at home, I was able to cook food, do the chores, be able to bathe without that schedule because we have a constant supply of running water - basically I was just chill in terms of my living circumstances.

In the middle of this all I suddenly was nurturing a broken heart from my favorite mistake that I made in May 2022. LOL. Halfway through July I got my heart broken even though I was not really in love and it can be seen in my posts here during that time because, hey, I needed a fucking outlet for me to be able to soldier on.

Of course I was still stressed during the review. The lack of updates from the Bar chair was so stressful for us as well. Fortunately there was no major problem that came my way in terms of that.

During the review, in August, a new location in Genshin Impact opened which is Sumeru. I was so excited to play it because the location looked really nice and soothing so when it dropped, I played it, while also listening to the lectures.

I was just mindlessly strolling through Sumeru and opening teleport waypoints while listening to the lecture. I guess it helped in my review because I can give my attention to the lecture without getting sleepy. I can't really just sit and listen - I MUST DO SOMETHING.

This is what I learned about myself even when I was in Manila. For me to be able to absorb information better and not get sleepy, I need to do something. I remember in 2019 that I was cleaning my room when listening to lectures. Or when I'm at home, I'm at the kitchen doing the dishes and cooking while listening. And it helps me learn better.

So yea, now when I'm in Sumeru I'm reminded of that time that I was reviewing. I even remember telling myself that I'll tell this story of how I was exploring Sumeru while reviewing and how it was helpful to me.

The local testing center which I chose was at San Beda University. I stayed at a place there called LA Suites - I reserved through Airbnb. Initially, I was just going to stay there for the night and go home after every exam but the first exam day, when I went home, it was so fucking tiring that I decided to just suck it up and stay there for the rest of the exam days.

The place where I stayed was nice. It's just located at the 3rd floor. The ground floor has so many food establishments and a laundromat. There's an Alfamart too, and MiniStop nearby. There's 7-11 too but it's on the other side of the road. If I walk a little further, there's a grocery store (Super 8?) nearby. Rex Bookstore is also just there.

I survived there even though there's no refrigerator nor stove by bringing a rice cooker and an ice box. Every day, I would buy ice to last me through the day. I've ordered food from either FoodPanda or GrabFood, or I just bought stuff outside.

I was with Danny too since he also stayed there. We would often ask each other what food we'll buy and one of us will order for the other and just deliver it to their room.

Ms. Evelyn - the caretaker - was also really nice. We chat for a bit while she's cleaning my room and, it was really just nice talking to someone.

So the Bar exams came and Danny and I would go there together in the morning. Dra. Che was also there but in a different room. We would often meet up at lunch and talk. One time we ate at Jollibee after the exams. On the first Sunday, Danny and I ate at the unlimited shabu-shabu and samgyupsal restaurant located on the ground floor of the building where we're staying.

I remember the password for the first exam was related to Sherlock Holmes. Me being the Sherlock fan that I am was just so happy when I read it that even though the exam was quite difficult I wasn't really stressed out.

I admit that there are a lot of things that I didn't know. There were a lot of questions where I was unsure of my answers. However, the fact that the exam was digital and I can erase and change my answers and I can first skip questions was God-send. I will never shut up about the fact that it's the modality of the exam which made me pass the exam. If that was the traditional pen-and-booklet exam, I would've failed again. So I'm really thankful for that because I was able to articulate my answers and maybe I was able to give a semblance of the correct answer even in my uncertainty.

The last day of the exam, I told Natz if he can be there. He was there together with his girlfriend, and Oni was there too. We ate at KFC and just chatted and laughed out loud. I didn't feel sad - I was thinking that I passed. I got this. I didn't want to be overconfident of course but I also wanted to manifest that I already passed because I don't want to go through that again.

I've learned about manifesting during my heartbreak so I guess me experiencing a heartbreak was actually the world introducing new things to me such as that one? HAHAHAHA.

The release of the results was one of the happiest moments of my life. Seeing my name there finally, it was exhilarating.

I may have forgotten some details here so if ever that's the case I'll just make a separate post but for now, I'll just end this. Hopefully I haven't forgotten some important details that when I look back at this post, I'll be amazed at myself for being able to include so much detail into this journey.

[inspiredhearts]

IBP Pampanga Induction of Board of Officers and Directors and Oath-taking of New Members

The title was a mouthful but it's the name of the event so, yeah.

This event happened last July 28, 2023, at Grand Palazzo Royale.

Dad and I went there but we were late because of the heavy traffic caused by the heavy rains in the afternoon. The event was supposed to start at 5PM but when we got there at around 7 PM-ish, it still hasn't started because there were a lot of people who were also late.

It was my first time at Grand Palazzo Royale and boy was it beautiful. The parking spaces though were on land - not cemented, so imagine how it is during the rainy season. Good thing that when we got there it wasn't raining that hard but yeah.

So when I was outside waiting for my dad because he was talking to someone on the phone, I already saw my friends and got to chat with them for a bit. There was also this registration booth so we registered there first and my dad and I learned that we're not seated at the same table because I'm a new member and the new members are grouped together at different tables.

I was given this certificate-like thingy which has the oath, and a commemorative mug.

I was at table number 17, my dad was at table number 2. When I got to table number 17, there were people seated there already. We introduced ourselves and I was about to sit there but I saw my friends - Doc Che and Polly - at table 18 and they called me and we chatted and they told me to just stay there, and so I stayed.

The program started after a few minutes with a lot of speeches from different people. After that, we ate already. The food was okay, it was not the best but it was good.

Oh, before we ate, Jewel saw us and Polly told her to get me some frozen margarita because I want some and she got me one hehehehe. The bar by that time was still not open but, I guess it already was? I don't really know hahahaha.

Jewel loves me so much my God. More about her later.

So when we were getting food I looked for my dad and assisted him and all so I didn't get to eat immediately. I ate a lot though. And brought home some brownies and caramel bars for my sisters with the help of my trusty tissue paper hahaha.

After eating, it was the oath-taking so we did that. The program still went on with speeches but we went outside and chatted and all that. Oh, Mharvic was also there at our table and we also chatted near the mobile bar and all that.

Wait I forgot to mention this. So after the oath-taking, the officers and old lawyers went to us and congratulated us, and Jewel congratulated us as well. Doc Che was in front of me and she gave her a handshake, but when J saw me, she told me that "ay, sayo dapat hug" so we hugged tightly. Then I told her that I'll finally introduce her to my dad and it was just fun. Jewel was so nice and I kinda opened up to her when she asked me what I'm doing and all that, and she told me, sincerely, to just hit her up whenever I want to talk or ask questions. That she's there for me always.

So when we were hanging out outside with the mobile bar in sight, I told my dad that I'll get some drinks. He also wanted to drink one but there was no option for a no-sugar drink so he just let me choose my drink. I chose the strawberry daiquiri. It looked really pretty, but it was not that good because it has more alcohol hahaha. The frozen margarita was perfect.

So while my dad went to the toilet, Sab, Jec, and Nowie went out as well and we took a picture and we chatted for a bit and what the fuck my oversharing self opened up to them too HAHAHAHA. Told them I'm afraid and all that and THEY DIDN'T JUDGE ME. AT ALL. Jec even helped me, gave tips and advice. It was so so so so fucking nice. He also told me that if I need anything, I can just hit him up. I swear to God I was so happy that night.

Sab also introduced me to her boss, who also knows my dad, and her boss jokingly told me to work for them HAHAHA. I don't know, it's just. Nah, IDK. It was fun though.

What else? Oh, Doc Che, Mharvic, and I took pictures at the photobooth. It was sad that it was already closed when my dad and I went there so we didn't have a picture together.

I was also talking to Mharvic when we were drinking near the bar and told him that it seems like yesterday when we were just hanging out, drinking after class almost every night. That was a long time ago and truly, I cherish those moments when I was not my old self because those were experiences that I won't likely be able to experience now that I'm old and boring and just want to play safe hahahaha.

Before going home, I went at Cioccolo and bought my sisters this cheesecake which is this Crème Brûlée which is so good. Also expensive because it's 210 pesos per slice and I bought them one slice each and didn't buy anything for myself because it looked heavy and I might not finish it all. It was worth it though because it's a loooot.

Then I went to my car and went to the entrance because dad's waiting for me there and we went home.

It was a really fun night where I didn't feel awkward at all. If I may say so, I felt famous because I knew a lot of people there.

I'm still unemployed though so there's that. And the magic from that night is almost gone hahaha. That's why I tried to write this now before I forget a lot of details. Hopefully I did justice to the event and my feelings by the way I told my story. I suck at writing already so I apologize. I just really wanted to write about it so that I can look back at it in a few years, just like what I do with my past entries.

[inspiredhearts]

SUMMER 2023 ANIME

NEW:

Zom 100: Zombie ni Naru made ni Shitai 100 no Koto

Watashi no Shiawase na Kekkon

Liar Liar

Rurouni Kenshin: Meiji Kenkaku Romantan (2023)

Yumemiru Danshi wa Genjitsushugisha

Jidou Hanbaiki ni Umarekawatta Ore wa Meikyuu wo Samayou

Dark Gathering

Undead Girl Murder Farce

Dekiru Neko wa Kyou mo Yuuutsu

Shiro Seijo to Kuro Bokushi

AI no Idenshi

NEW SEASONS:

Sugar Apple Fairy Tale Part 2

Hataraku Maou-sama!! 2nd Season

Jujutsu Kaisen 2nd Season

Bungou Stray Dogs 5th Season

Masamune-kun no Revenge R

Horimiya: Piece

Those in bold face are the ones I’m watching as of today, July 19, 2023. Will check out other new anime to see if I want to continue watching them after the first episode.

(edited July 24, August 02, August 03)

[inspiredhearts]

yall ever just yearn? ever get filled with the most profound sense of longing for something you cant understand? yall ever crave? ever have an unexplainable ache?

[inspiredhearts]

Dream. Oh, it is a dream as in panaginip, and it is a dream as in pangarap. Isn’t it sad that some of our dreams (panaginip) won’t ever be real even though it’s our dream (pangarap) for that thing to happen.

Napanaginipan kita punyeta. Ang unfair kasi my subconscious is telling me na I still want to be with you kahit na pinipilit ko naman sa sarili ko na hindi na, tama na, I should have some self-respect na.

I don’t remember most of the dream pero alam ko na yung seconds after I woke up I remember most of it pa. Pero kahit na ganon, naaalala ko pa din yung happy feeling ko na nakasama kita. Kahit isang scene lang naaalala ko, masyadong matindi yung feelings of wanting to be with you pa din kaya nakakainis eh.

Nakakainis kasi alam ko hindi naman mangyayari pero eto ako, secretly hoping na sana mangyari pa din. Nakakainis yung gusto pa din kita makasama kasi hindi na dapat. Hindi ka na nga nagpaparamdam eh tapos aasa pa ako na magkakasama tayo? Ang tanga-tanga lang nung thought na ito.

---

Self, itigil na natin ito. Tama na. It’s been almost a year, why the hell are you still hung-up on something that just lasted for 2 months? It doesn’t make any sense na gumaganyan ka kasi strong girl ka. So ano yarn? Anong kalokohan yarn???

[inspiredhearts]

Lost and Insecure

I’ve been writing here a lot these days because I can’t share whatever this is to my friends because I don’t know what this is. I can’t just make kwento because I don’t even know what to tell them. I don’t want to burden them with this uncertainty. I don’t want them to guess what I’m going through because even I’m frustrated trying to figure out how to understand this for me to fix it.

Look at me trying to make a post but wanting to end it right now because I really have nothing to say? I want to say so many things but I have nothing to say. How does this make sense???

Why am I at this point of my life where I am lost? I have achieved something and now I’m lost - WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS INSANITY.

My younger self handled things better. I am so afraid of failing that now I am stuck.

Someone, something, please save me from this madness.

[inspiredhearts]

Offending religious feelings

Parang lately lahat ng blog post ko is something I don’t want to write about kaso kailangan ko isulat somewhere para hindi ko na isipin kasi madami na iniisip yung utak ko at stressed na siya so kailangan ko ng outlet for other things that I can express naman para somehow mag-lighten yung load HAHAHA

Anyway this is about the trending issue right now yung dun sa drag show where someone cosplayed Jesus tapos they sang Ama Namin.

A lot of people were offended by the act, tapos a lot of them too attacked the LGBTQ+ community and ang daming takes sa Twitter talaga and I’m tired of it HAHAHAHA

It’s just that for me that was not offensive lalo na madaming mga biblical things naman na ginagamit talaga ng mga artists as a way of expression, or minsan for clout lang ganern. I didn’t grow up in a Catholic family so maybe that’s one factor pero I don’t know, minsan kasi yung mga church traditions mukhang hindi din naman respectful and can be offensive to some pero dahil tradition they just accept it.

My tolerance for being offended is really high naman so that’s another factor lalo na I came from a religion na people mocked a lot of times and I just ignored it kasi hindi naman ako directly affected? Hindi na ako part nung religion-slash-cult na yun so oks naman na HAHAHAHA

So ayun nga madaming discourse about it pero palagay ko naman it can be summarized to this:

1. Being offended is a personal thing. Some people really get offended over the simplest of things. Some have a higher tolerance and can just shrug it off or really not mind it. This being said, one can be offended, another one is not offended, and their feelings are both valid.

2. In relation to number 1, it doesn’t mean that when you’re offended, you have free reign to just disrespect them. Since the act is not wrong per se (thus the fact that one may or may not get offended) you can’t just crucify anyone just because you felt that way.

3. And this goes without saying that THEY ARE HUMAN AND THEY HAVE RIGHTS STILL even if what they did is offensive to you. Heck even the convicted people of heinous crimes are afforded human rights. We may not totally be okay with this fact because an evil person just don’t deserve to be treated good but yes, they still have rights whether we like it or not. SO YOU CAN’T JUST IGNORE THEIR RIGHTS BECAUSE YOU WERE OFFENDED.

Keyboard warriors kasi just want to be right all the time tapos they just want to misunderstand lagi, or they take it negatively. Madalas din kulang sa context yung isang bagay tapos sila na nagdadagdag or nagbabawas based sa kung anong narrative gusto nila. Ang daming issues recently din na hindi naman dapat issue kasi common sense kung tutuusin pero you’ll see different takes on it and some are actually absurd takes but people gobble it up.

Anyway I think oks na ako dito nalabas ko na mga gusto kong sabihin siguro hahahahaha So I’ll end this magulong post na.

[inspiredhearts]

Dear You,

Hey, it’s been a while.

My brain and heart and pride were against doing this letter but I find myself talking to you in my head every day for the past days now. Maybe it’s because it’s July and the day when you ended things was nearing and I just know that I already have to completely let go of everything.

Of course you won’t be able to read this nor will you know about the existence of this letter but I’m just doing this for my sake, as I always did, because I want my peace back.

How are you? I’m torn between wanting you to be okay and wanting you to be miserable because of what you’ve done to me. In the end, I’m still this selfish bitch because I know I didn’t deserve that.

It’s painful and angering thinking that you don’t even think about me anymore while I’m stuck with memories of you - memories of us - just because I cared too much. I want you to be happy but at the same time I don’t want you to forget that once upon a time someone cared about you and you hurt that someone for reasons she may never understand. The fact that you didn’t even apologize really sucks so while I’m wishing for your happiness, I’m also hurt and I don’t want you to be happy.

This predicament I am in is just me hating the fact that I was never chosen again. Feeling inadequate and unlovable. I know it wasn’t a relationship, but you not apologizing just sucks. I’m still waiting for it even though I know you won’t do it anymore.

Sometimes I think of wanting to ruin your life because you hurt me and you deserve that but I also know you have your own struggles that you’re dealing with and if I do something like that you might end your life.

I wish I never knew you. I may not have experienced that kind of happiness but at least I wasn’t lied to. At least I’m not waiting for an apology that will never come. My life might have been mundane and boring but at least I don’t feel unloved and inadequate. At least I’m not comparing myself to someone because I know and believe that I’m better than them and you just had to ruin it.

I have so many things that I want to tell you actually so this might have a second part. I don’t know. I need to get you out of my system because it’s pointless thinking about you or thinking about the past. It’s all pointless because it ended and you want nothing to do with me. I have to accept a lot of things and it’s slowing me down because I still think about you and it seems that I still care enough to be bothered by thoughts of you. It’s unfair.

[inspiredhearts]

I Feel Like A Failure

I didn’t want to write about this because it will make me seem weak and me being a failure will really be true but I have to let it all out and hopefully things will get better soon and I will just look back at this post and say that I was wrong and I was not a failure after all.

So last 2019, I took the Bar exams. Results came out in April of 2020 which was in the middle of the pandemic. I failed. Of course I failed - the moment I went out of the room on the last Sunday of the exams, I knew I was gonna fail. I could not even manifest that I’ll pass because it was just a given that I’ll fail.

I took the exam again last November 2022. It was already digitalized so we used our laptops and all that and it was really nice being able to answer perfectly because I can delete everything in case I want to change my answer. I didn’t know everything - but I manifested that I will pass this exam. I got out of the room on the last Sunday of the exam believing that I will pass. It was a given. Whatever I didn’t know, my other answers will make up for it. I will pass.

April 14, 2023 was the release of the results, and I fucking passed. It was one of the happiest moments of my life. Seeing my name on the screen. Finally seeing my surname and then my first name. Ah, that was really me. I passed. I am now a lawyer.

I prayed for it too actually. During the weeks before April, I prayed and cried. I told God that I want to pass. I know that I’ll have many worries afterwards but I still want to pass because I want to get to the next chapter of my life. It felt like I’m stuck in this law school - Bar review for a long time and I just didn’t want to go through it again.

So yes, I passed, and took the oath and signed the roll of attorneys. I was even gifted a vacation to Japan again so it was nice. However now I’m at that point where I still don’t have a job and I still don’t know what I want to do in life.

This is the one thing I was worried about. This is that thing I’m dreading. I hoped that I wouldn’t experience this but I also kinda knew that it is a given that I’ll go through this.

I don’t know what I want to do. I want to work of course, but I’m afraid of making mistakes. I’m afraid of failing. I’m afraid of disappointing people. It’s so paralyzing thinking that people expect a lot from me now but I’m just a regular girl who passed an exam.

Feeling ko napag-iiwanan na ako and I really feel like a failure pero at the same time I don’t have the courage to go out of my comfort zone and do something. I don’t know what I should do and I’m hoping that soon I’ll find the answer because I hate feeling like a failure. I think that I became sick the past weeks because of the stress this has been giving me. It’s been 3 months since the results came out and I’m still just here. I’m still unemployed and I still don’t know what I should do. Where I should go.

It sucks feeling this way because there’s this fear too that I’m disappointing everyone around me. But I am afraid of a lot of things and it’s difficult to shake this off. Ang hirap na parang wala akong kwenta. Pumasa nga ako pero ano ngayon? Wala naman akong ginagawa pa rin. Wala pa rin value-added sa buhay ko.

Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko pero sana someday soon maging employed na ako.

I hate feeling like a failure.

[inspiredhearts]

Just One Time

Electric Touch got me on chokehold because this is me wanting to fall in love again. Wanting to feel this way again. And that line, JUST ONE TIME just hits so hard. Because I know that even though I say that I’m okay with being not in a relationship anymore forever, I’m still looking for that thing.

It’s the reason why I still try to meet new people even though they just disappoint me. Because once it happens, once that ONE TIME happens, I’ll once again believe in love. I’ll once again feel that way I haven’t felt in a long time.

I don’t want to expect anymore. I’m too old. I don’t think I’ll ever find that love that I want and need. So I hate that this song is making me feel things. Why. HUHUHU I’m happy being alone.

[inspiredhearts]

You gave me my dream come true

It’s the reason why I can’t hate you

I think of all the things you did right

That outgrew all the things that were wrong

Isn’t it so unfair

That I’m still holding on to hope

While you live your life normally

[inspiredhearts]

Been sick for a week and I feel like I’m dying

I shouldn’t be this dramatic because I only had fever but goddamn I wasn’t able to eat for days and even when I don’t have the fever anymore, I’m still so fucking weak that I couldn’t move. I hate it. It sucks being sick. Up to now I’m still not really okay but I’m trying to be. I just want to feel better so that I can stress out about a lot of things again. Right now it’s all just me hating life and wanting to die and I don’t even know how I’ll feel better when my brain is just filled with thoughts of dying.

Anyway there I just wanted to release some of my frustrations.

[inspiredhearts]

Healing is not linear

My mom died in 2009. It was just 2 months before my 18th birthday when she passed away. She’s been battling cancer for 2 years and her body just gave up.

2009 was 14 years ago. Just five more years and I’ve been alive longer without her than when I was with her. I’ve healed from the pain of losing her. I even think that if she suddenly came back to life, it would be awkward because she doesn’t know us anymore.

I loved her. She’s a good mom who loved us and supported us in the best way that she can. She had shortcomings, of course, but generally she was good. When she married my dad, she didn’t have to work anymore so all her energy was spent on us and the household.

When she died, we were a mess. I WAS A MESS. There were so many family drama on our relatives’ side, I was the oldest daughter, I was in my rebellious phase, my dad didn’t really know how to deal with grief, my two younger sisters were still young but not too young that they needed to be taken care of, but, you get my point.

I was not that responsible back then because I was in my rebellious phase. I was busy with my then boyfriend and my studies. I was busy trying to keep my shit together. I was angry. Angry at the world for making us feel like crap. For taking away our mom when I truly believed that she will be healed.

Years passed by and we got used to our lives of not having her around. In the first few years, I still cried and missed her, but in the latter years, I didn’t cry as much anymore nor did I miss her a lot. We’re okay. I’m okay.

While my dad was still the one handling the finances, the chores befell upon us sisters. Cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, ironing clothes, etc. We somehow became independent and we are okay with it. It’s our normal.

So imagine my surprise when I just ugly cried when Dhey and I were on our way home from Kaye’s wedding in Baguio.

I cried because when I saw how Kaye’s mom was attentive to her when she was dressing up, I remembered that I won’t have someone like that in my life anymore. That I don’t have someone who takes care of me like that. it was always I who did that to my sisters and even my dad. I was the one doing those things, and I don’t even know if I’ll ever have someone who can do that to me. Who can help me. Who I can rely on.

Us friends were somewhat independent that I forgot they still have their parents - particularly their moms - who they can rely on when needed. Anytime. I forgot how freeing it feels being able to depend on someone who you know will not let you down. Or do her best to not let you down.

I cried because I felt so alone. Like I’m just carrying this heavy weight on my shoulders for years since we lost our mom. Don’t get me wrong - it’s not really that bad and we can still feel happiness and all that. It’s just that the heavy burden is on me without me even realizing it.

That’s also the moment when I realized that even though I’m used to not having my mom around, there will still be times when I’ll miss and yearn for her presence. There will still be times when I’ll break down just like what I did almost a year ago. There will still be times when it feels like everything’s not okay because she’s not here anymore. AND IT’S OKAY. It’s okay to still feel like this. It doesn’t mean that we haven’t healed from that grief yet. We have healed - but her memory still lives on. Healing is not linear, and that’s okay.

[inspiredhearts]

A Spontaneous Decision To Go Out On A Date With A Complete Stranger

Me being a new lawyer at that time (technically still not a lawyer because I haven’t taken my oath that time yet nor signed the roll), I was just really happy that I passed and I remembered someone who knows Li who is still a law student and I somehow reached out to him and just wished him good luck on his journey.

You see, there was a part of me that wants to get close to him so that I’ll know whether or not they’re still friends with him and if they knew something about him and all that, but a huge part of me knows that I really shouldn’t bother anymore.

Well this guy just straight up wanted to meet up with me to ask for tips about the Bar exams, etc. and I was just caught up in excitement that I agreed. He seemed like a good guy.

Before we met, we didn’t chat or anything. We talked a bit, purely law school stuff and all, and I thought, hey, why not? He seems fine.

He scheduled the meet-up a week after that talk and during that week we really didn’t chat that much. I didn’t want to initiate anything because I’m not really the one who wanted to go out. I didn’t want to look desperate and all.

It was scheduled on a Sunday but moved to a Monday and during these times, like, the Saturday one, he really wasn’t sending me a message or what. It was kinda stressful for me because I like my stuff planned.

Monday at around 4am I woke up and there was a message from him and I replied and he called me and we were talking until around 7am and we decided to meet-up that morning.

I am too lazy to go into detail about it because in retrospect it was not really a good “date.” It was fun - I had fun. But the realizations about things came days after and now I just don’t really want to reminisce that much.

God I thought I’d be okay writing this but I’m still pissed off pala about it so I’ll try again the next time. Maybe edit this post or just make a new post. I’m sorry. Hahaha