intheyuukei

[intheyuukei]

[intheyuukei]

[intheyuukei]

19.04.2023 ୨୧ journal

tw: eds, self harm, si, etc.

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it's a bit of a blur, to be honest. at times it's early December and I'm dancing in the snow around me. then suddenly, it's the hottest January summer I've experienced. Or lived through. I almost can't imagine myself, not sleeping or eating in days, saying goodbye to my cat and walking out with my bags. I can still see it, though, the broken glass bottle and the blood from cutting my legs. The turned over clothing rack, it was 3 am. The plane left in only hours, as February was coming to a close. I have new scars today, it doesn't bother me as much. I've always held myself up to high standards, but this time I really felt myself crumble. I had the handful of pills ready, you know, I was going to. I didn't stop for hope, I might not have stopped even for love. Most of the times it's endurance, it's just stubbornness and primal drive for survival. My proudest feats, I think, but only sometimes. I always liked to end my stories as if an end to all this was possible, it made it easier to cope. Some type of resolution, an "it gets better" line I wrote in a thousand different ways, just to soothe myself in intellect and writing. But maybe this time it’s true.

I'm learning to feel, I'm learning to touch. Meaning I wake up sobbing many nights now. I keep having the same dream. It feels exactly like it felt when I was a kid, an overwhelming sense of doom and helplessness to which I can't escape. in the dream I scream at my mother, she never seems to care. I tell her all I've been suffering, i feel the pain tear through my chest, I tell her I was only 5 or 6 years old. Her face doesn't show any emotion. She's not capable of feeling it. In the solitude of my nights I've found; it's alright. This past year I've grieved most of what I didn't have, no childhood, no father, no mother. Grandma died last month, I was the only one not to attend her funeral. I'm a few continents too far away, but I still feel guilty. Though we grieved her while she was alive, because her Alzheimer's took her away long ways before death did. I had never seen a person in such a living dead state before. Its cruel of life that it had to be her. But maybe some would disagree. You see them lose memories, you see them lost speech, you see them bedridden as just a sentient receiver of tube feeding and pain care.  I was back there last Christmas, I just wanted to get out. But "I love you" were the last words I told her, and I'd like to think that I'm allowed to be at peace with that.

Parted ways with the one constant in my life, six years of it, I think we’re still trying to convince ourselves it was for the better. I cried so much about it, about us building new lives from scratch. Or at least that’s what I did, I’m the one who left. I left most of my things back in Chile, only carried what my hands can manage, which is not a lot. I don’t have much, but I've always valued my freedom. I’ve been on my own before, but alone in that city where no one knows me was a different kind of end. All was ending, I felt, my savings were running out and so was my own life.

Now it’s a few months later, and I can call it a lifeline. Not to say too much, but I'm trying to build my life over, and I’m not alone anymore.

[intheyuukei]

the mysteries of my notes app (a trilogy)

[intheyuukei]

10.03.2023 ୨୧ no title

I've been ill inspired by narrow halls and lower ceilings I've painted my walls white and bought beds too big or too small for my frame I've measured the confines of my body I've grown acquaintance of the limits, I've daydreamt my way around ends and deaths and horrors but today, I wanna see the sunset once convinced that what your eyes see is not real awaits a life long feeling of being well versed in inadequacy of my own ghostly presence swayed, unreal and quiet everytime I'm warm and comfortable I remember that this is a foreign feeling home is spikes and thorns and splatters of words overly chewed and taken as truth when now feels like now, when I'm not trying to squirm away, I feel this ever escaping peace of being held by this bed and not by my spine I close my eyes and sigh, out of pain, not relief about how much this feeling is a cage much more than seeing the same walls everyday I wish to stay in them, I wish to drown but today I wanna see the sunset.

[intheyuukei]

fav cardigan + top !!

[intheyuukei]

#sketch

[intheyuukei]

#anime #digital art

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[intheyuukei]

dansu again, this is a ych of mine available on deviant~

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dansu, my oc :3

[intheyuukei]

a doodle

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