inunggg - Tumblr blog

inunggg

jiggery-pokery

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inunggg · 3 years ago

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God I hate how manipulative and addicting and never ending eds are. I’ve struggled with this for years now. This isn’t temporary or something that goes away when you’re no longer a teen. This isn’t something that goes away once you reach your ugw like your ed tries to trick you into believing, if you ever even reach it after you get stuck in a never ending cycle of gaining and losing. This doesn’t go away when whatever bad thing you’re using your ed to cope with currently gets better because then you realize you’re now lost and scared without the familiar comfort of those habits. And any new thing whether it’s big or small triggers you to binge or starve or want to hurt yourself again in some way. Or you’re finally out of that toxic situation but your past that you never actually healed from because you kept slapping those self destructive coping mechanisms on it like a bandaid couldn’t keep holding you together and you still need to confront your trauma but that’s too hard. Or it gets better until something slowly starts unraveling you again and its back to square one and it never ends. I’m just so tired I’m spiraling again. Will this ever stop?

#I’m sorry this is so negative I really see people in recovery living their best lives #but for me I’ve dealt with this for 9 years and it feels like it’s all so pointless #I’ve never healed and I don’t know if I will bc I’m still in a toxic place and no matter where I go where I move to it’s always toxic #just in some new fun way #I’m telling myself once I lose the weight from bingeing things will be better #but will they? will I stop? will I just switch into a new ed habit like usual and get stuck in a gain/lose cycle again?

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inunggg · 6 years ago

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