iomakm-blog

[iomakm-blog]

“im sorry that you’re just alone” 

Sometimes life can just really hit you. It can really weigh down on you out of the blue. 

Im not crashing and I definitely think thats a God thing. But damn. It can be really hard to be honest. 

Not alone in the intimate sense. But alone in this situation. Stuck in this weird spot. Used only when needed. Always the one to reach out. But then feeling like Im a horrible person, horrible friend, horrible, daughter, horrible sister, horrible PERSON.

And no accountability. Sadness, fear of future.

What’s funny is that I keep wanting to “go back to normal” but I don’t think that’s what God wants. And that kind of makes me sad. Because before, I was happy. I do know I was comfortable though so maybe theres that too. But Iunno, I was happy. 

Now, it comes and goes.

[iomakm-blog]

Rollercoaster

I feel really alone right now. Alone, unheard, unseen. The irony of it is that on a superficial sense that feeling is wrong. But deep down, it just feels like it.

I have one conversation about it, and then I run. 

No one to talk about what happened. No one who will understand how I feel about her. No one who sees me to the core, and then cares enough to keep pushing. 

I keep pushing with other people. I try to be intentional. I follow up. I persist. I pursue. But why do I continually feel like it isn’t done for me as well. 

I don’t want to me it sound like “me me me” but damn. When is it my turn. 

The past 2 years have been a rollercoaster and i’m really getting sick. Im feeling nauseous, I want to get off. I want to stop spinning. I want to be still. I want things to go back to normal. But I know it can’t so im stuck on this ride until I can figure out how to figure myself out I guess.  

[iomakm-blog]

nowhere

Do you ever feel like you are everywhere but nowhere? Like you’re connected with everyone but with no one? That you’re studying everything but know nothing? 

Because that is how I feel. 

I feel like I am nothing to no one, a crap friend, a horrible person, a lost cause, a  fake, and idiot, and the list goes on.

I am just here. Putting on a smile. Trying to keep going somehow. 

I don’t want to see dramatic though... so don’t get me wrong i’m not wanting to take my life or anything. I just feel overwhelmed, and alone, and sad. And theres nothingI can do about it,

Im a crap friend, highly passive aggressive, and I just suck. 

[iomakm-blog]

Fatherhood

What does it mean to be a father? 

Well taking the most biblical response, it would be to look like, to act like, to emulate God the Father. Of course we are sinful beings and so it is impossible to be perfect, however, that is who we should strive to be. 

I am having a really hard time trying to reconcile this biblical figure, and what I have been given in my life. A very hard time.

God is love. He cares, He comforts, He encourages, He hears, He desires the best for His children. He is patient, He is kind, He is forgiving, He is slow to anger. He is just. He is fair. 

Again, having serious issues trying to reconcile these two things. Because quite frankly I just don’t see it.  

[iomakm-blog]

trust\fall pt. 3

I don’t know if I can trust you anymore. 

You know me at my deepest level. You know the hidden places, the dark crevices, my failures, my weaknesses. I trusted you so much. I found safety, I found comfort. I looked up to you, I aspired to be like you. I stood by you, supported you, gave you my best me as to make you your best you. We did life together, we did ministry together. You were my mentor, my friend, my family. I trusted you so much.

But in a matter of mere moments you let that fall. 

I still don’t really understand it to be honest. I communicate to you, when you know I shouldn't be. I try to text you constantly to support you. I move aside everything to meet with you when you're here. I do my best to help you get on track. I am here making sure the thing you love the most is cared for. I am constantly praying for you, crying for you, wishing for a miracle. I talk to you to keep you updated, to encourage you, to give you any sense of hope. I am always available and move others aside to show your value and importance. But.. what were you doing in all this?

I’ve evaluated myself and whether it was healthy and I really do think it was. Similar passions unite people. Give their relationships a deeper meaning, and well you know me almost at my core so it was only inevitable. Once you become family its different. I will do anything and everything for you.

You tried to be there for me despite you clearly not being able to and I appreciated that but a part of me wasn't allowing it. Because you weren't doing well. And as much as you tried, it wasn't a thing. Even that one time you came here with your brother and tried to console me about other things, the problem was you. But I couldn’t say that. You said from now on, you need to start leaning on you and your brother, but then nothing happened after that. Maybe it was a good thing considering this. 

You first put me in a place where you had already made up your mind about something but still came to me. Added me in secretly. Got into heaps of trouble. Then to justify you communicating to me, said that the deed was as a result of what I believed or thought. Was that miscommunication, or were you trying to pin this on me? If so, why? Then I find out you turn on your brother. And then I also find out that since the summer you have hid something from me that its actually pretty important. I would be extremely happy for you. I would be so happy. But you chose not to tell me for some reason.

While I'm finding out these things, you decide to message me out of the blue to see how I'm doing? Not talking about what had happened but trying to joke around. How do you expect me to respond? Happy? Mad? Silent? What do I do? I bend my feelings, my thoughts, and meet you where you're at. Why? because I want the best for you - always. Then you show up and I see you. We talk, it’s super light, you invite me over, over the Christmas holidays, and I agree. why? Because I want the best for you - always.

 I really don’t know what to think anymore tbh. I look back at the DR, I look back at the times over the course of this past two years and see how much things were about you so often. I don’t mind that trust me, but wow... I can only take so much. 

Two closest people in the past two years have been not okay. And I have bended how I feel. Retained it all, sat through it, listened to it, digested it, etc. And now, I just don’t understand why I got caught up in this big ball of crap. 

I am loyal. Maybe to a fault one could say. 

When will you ever tell m what happened. What happens when you come back? How will you face the people you disappointed? What if things change? I want to trust you but can I? Im so scared. This is why I didn’t in the first place. 

Im just done.  

[iomakm-blog]

trust\fall pt. 2

Im really having a hard time when it comes to trust. 

I think its because I have this way of thinking where to trust someone, is to tell them the deepest parts of you. And that’s not necessarily true. 

You can trust someone and they don’t need to know everything. 

I think my bigger issue is wanting that person yenno? I think it’s something i’ll get in a relationship, not in a friendship. 

So in a sense it is kind of unfair. 

My personality draws a lot of people in and I know that. Or at least its something that I have learned. Its hard though because multiplicity of people surrounding you does not mean a multiplicity of people who you can trust deeply. And I think that’s what trips me up. I think that because of the people in my life, I'm just SUPPOSED to have that, but its not always true. 

Then when I get to that person, I start to get really scared. Really nervous. Not sure if I should speak, but in a place where its unfair to hold back because of all I have demanded from that person. 

lol, yeah Im horrible 

I also draw towards guys. I get uncomfortable around females. Like i’m doing something wrong. That used to really scare me when Iw as younger. Now I don’t think about it or else I start to downward spiral - and im REALLY good at doing that. 

Anyways, I draw towards guys, and find comfort in them. But its hard to get guys to pursue you unless you are actually dating lol. And I know that. But its just hard because i’m not in a relationship where anyone is pursuing me and wanting to know me at the deepest level. So im in a place where I have friends who are amazing lol, but not at the level that I want

Does this make me selfish ?

I really don’t want to come off like that! I just.. lol Im not sure how to explain myself. 

SIDE NOTE: I also wish I had someone to relate to ? Like, even if you aren't in the same level of school, or studying the same thing, or volunteering at the same place, someone who is willing to be interested? So that I can talk? And feel like im being heard. I don’t always feel that way. DOn’t get me wrong, I have friends that try, but its not as often as I feel I give that ear, and it doesn’t really last that long. Then I start feeling stupid when I do because I can’t communicate, and im not holding their interest. oh well

[iomakm-blog]

trust\fall

Do you know what kind of sucks?

Trusting someone and falling.

Because when you fall, your hope, and security lies in that person ability to catch you. 

When you feel the rushing wind and the hard ground beneath you as you land backwards you realize how much it sucks to trust someone only to fall without them there. 

Im telling you its been a tough season. I feel like this and few other select places are where I can talk about this. Im not really talking to anyone per se and so theres no fear that I'm undermining the season they are going in. I want to feel acknowledged and that I don’t have to worry about being okay for the sake of their well-being - because that can be hard to always be doing. 

Regardless its been a tough season on me I think. Watching people go through pain, not being able to do much but be there, feeling helpless, feeling hopeless, nightmares about them dying, feeling alone because the people you lean on or have surrounded yourself with have fallen themselves, feeling un heard because of the situations, getting sick, not being able to feel or vocalize the impact of that, having the one thing you love doing being taken away from you, being extremely emotionally physically and mentally tired, having to give 100% when you feel like you have about 5% but going anyways, being there for everyone but not feeling as though you have that person to be there for you, always hiding and running from anyone who can see through you but putting on a show to 90% of the people you come in contact with so that most times they don't, being afraid to say any of this for fear of me sounding like I'm exaggerating or because I just need to be okay so reverting to feeling this way alone. 

I know it sound dramatic, but this is a judge free zone I hope. 

This has been my season and it seems like its just not ending. I thought it ended with 2016 - what a terrible year. But 2017 truthfully, without the surgery, has been heavy. so heavy. I just want it to end but honestly, I'm not sure what I'm looking forward to in 2018.

BUT just before 2017 ends it has to slap me with this - trust someone Kamoi. Trust them with everything. Tell them the deepest part of you. Invest into them. Love them unconditionally. Be that person for them.

And watch all of that backfire. 

This has been so heavy and I wanted nothing to do with this. I don’t want my integrity to be shamed, I don’t want my name to be bashed, I don’t want to be the bad person because Im really not trying to do anything to undermine any authority. I was just trying to listen tbh. I was just trying to listen.

And its been a struggle with me and God trying to rectify this situation. I don’t know what to think anymore, at all. 

And its scary. Very scary. And heavy. Very heavy. 

But that being said this is what happens with trust. You gotta be prepared for the fall.

 Human beings - highly fallible  

so guard your heart.

[iomakm-blog]

alone.

It’s so easy for me to feel alone.

In my room, in my car, at my school, in my program, walking around. Always feeling alone. 

Alone in my thoughts, alone in my feelings, alone in my desires, alone in my problems, alone in my opinions, alone in my struggles. 

Always just alone. 

Fun fact, I love people. Im actually quite an extroverted person. I get so excited around people. Almost use it as a way to temporarily erase any problems, or fears, or struggles. Like a get away.

That shot of energy I get is the perfect medication to pull me away from my loneliness.

But when the business fades, or when the business gets too much, Im left to being alone once again. 

Sometimes I think I cause it. lol, is that bad to say? Well, I said it. I often feel like its me, I'm the problem. Because of my personality. Or that I feed the loneliness. OR that I'm just so selective with people that I miss the people in front of me. 

I don’t know if that’s true. But I do recognize that it takes two to tango, and two to not feel alone. I don’t know. 

God is with me. That is factual knowledge. Very factual. His omnipresence is just a given, a constant, an independent variable. 

That variable however is one like the air. At times when it moves quickly through the wind, it is felt. But others when there is nothing but stillness, and quietness, you can almost forget its there.  

That’s when I feel alone. 

[iomakm-blog]

When

When is it my turn?

When is it my turn to feel sad? When is it my turn to be dependent on someone. When is it my turn to get angry. When is it my turn to be upset at peoples actions towards me. When is it my turn to be tired. When is it my turn to feel sick. When is it my turn to struggle with what I dealt with. When is it my turn?

Im so sick of not having that someone that i am always trying o provide for other people. Is it impossible for me to have that?

When am I going to get to have someone to be transparent with to be accountable to, to relate to, to be able to trust, to trust me fully, to be honest and not afraid.

When ?

I don’t think its fair.

Im a Christian. A struggling one, but a Christian nonetheless. We are supposed to do this in community right ?I need to have someone I can be accountable with. Someone who will go through God’s word with me. Someone I can share with what God lays on my heart. When am I going to get that person?

Im really tired of waiting, and testing people out, and being disappointed. 

I hate to put that burden on anyone, and I know I'm not perfect. Im hard to break through. Im hard to open up. IM very selective. Yes that’s all true. But I have flaws and I know that. But aren’t I worth it to someone? 

Im just sick and tired of wondering or asking the question of 

When ?

[iomakm-blog]

Flaws

One could argue that I'm a horrible little sister. 

I just don’t have anything in common with her. And leaving that aside I still do my best to try and get along, joke around when I can, or just be in the same area. But lately its has been incredibly difficult.

I get annoyed very easily when people get stuck in a situation and then stay there; complaining about how horrible it is being stuck in that whole. It almost pisses me off. 

Yeah I know I sound like a jerk but that’s in all honesty how I feel. No I'm not perfect, and yes when something\someone pisses me off i can be passive aggressive. 

Everyone has flaws.

Regardless, what about the case of chronic physical disease or sickness or pain. That must really suck. I can’t imagine what its like and I cannot really have an opinion in it because I am not experience their pain. 

But what frustrates me is when it seems as though one almost enjoys being stuck in that chronic place of physical pain. Almost as an excuse to stay where they are. Life is hard, I get that. But if it seems that you are continually trying o stay in this hole, finding new things to talk about that keeps you there, it does nothing for me other than make me not want to stay with you. At all. I don’t like that. At all. 

And right now it sounds incredibly rude to say but I really don’t have the energy to stay in that stuck place with you. 

Everyone has their flaws.

This is one of mine.

[iomakm-blog]

L O S T

I feel like I'm losing myself.

I am 21 (in November of this year) and I am losing myself

I am slowly not as energetic, as happy. Things defeat me often. I don’t know how to be happy anymore. I run from people who try to read too deeply into me because I'm sacred they’ll see me in vulnerable place. No matter if there isn’t anything up.

My wall is one masked by energy fun laughter and nonstop movement. I think I'm naturally those things but now I'm only those things when I need to hide. I use it as a way to ignore, and put my feelings\emotions into submission, so nowI feel like it isn't a part of me. I don’t know how to be happy outside of knowing that for the sake of keeping myself hidden, I have to be. And then when I get a lone I kind of struggle.

So im trying to keep going. To do things that make me happy - youth, church. 

But is it working?

Only makes me more confused tbh. Why am I devoting so much time into something Im not going to continue to do int he first place?

Its because God loved me first right? so i love these students? Is that the right answer. Im sure it is. But I'm not sure if it satisfies me if I'm going to be honest.

I know the right answer, but does it satisfy me?

But I don’t want to make this a big deal. None of this is a big deal. So I just don’t talk. All I end up being is a mute. 

[iomakm-blog]

Mute

Im not sure why but I often feel muted. As if someone has pointed a remote control at me, pressed the mute button, disabling me to speak. 

This  is why I’ve made this. So that when I am verbally muted, my fingers can race and I can create an outlet. 

This is what this is; my outlet. My place of raw honesty. And maybe it will help me or give me the courage to be able to say this things out loud.