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Draw (Write?) My Life

Hello! This is only another entry to my seldom used Tumblr account but this time, I will be using it for Speech 30 (particularly for a Draw My Life activity). As discussed during the first lectures, this blog entry can actually be classified in different ways. I thought that this could be purely intrapersonal but then, other people can, in fact, access this (so it could be intrapersonal, computer-mediated, etc. depending on how one looks at it).

That’s enough with the academic stuff. This is getting a little too sidetracked, so I guess let us start (now?).

                                                 ‘2009′ (with dad)

                                      ‘2019′ (slight improvement? lol)

I am Christian B. Bautista, a 4th Year Geography undergraduate student in the College of Social Sciences and Philosophy. I am 20 years old turning 21 this coming April. While I do appear to be a bit ‘big’ for some people, I actually am younger than my sister (which makes me the bunso because there are only two of us). My sister (Christelle) also graduated from the same program and now works as a research associate in UP as well. My dad works as a fleet supervisor at Meralco while my mom prefers to stay at home. With a family of only four members, I think we should have been able to create a more open relationship with each other. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. Our family has had ups and downs which I believe have been a factor in developing how I perceive and view things now. Such experiences became tools for my own character building and now that I have the capability to assess myself, it gives me more opportunities to get to know myself better.

I generally consider myself to be average. I have the ability to do lots of things well, but I was never exceptional in any of them. I also do think that I treat others in a sensitive and gentle way (as I am often very perceptive of people’s feelings). The things that I do and the ‘me’ that I show to the world are the ones I that I think comprise my self-concept. While I seem to focus more on other people than myself, I still find it difficult to express my own emotions and thoughts through words (especially orally) as it always leaves me stuck, unable to form coherent sentences.

Honestly, I had a hard time differentiating self-concept from self-awareness, but then I realized that the difference between the two is that other people have no idea of my own self-awareness. I thought that these are information we normally keep within ourselves (mostly because they are the insecurities and flaws that we are aware of yet do not want to share with others).

Some of the people I know tend to see me as cheerful and energetic most of the time. The truth is that I consider myself as an introvert who loves to spend time alone (usually). It’s just that I feel the need to fit in in all the situations given to me and also because I never really liked being left out. Confidence is also something that I really lack be it physically or mentally. I was often ridiculed for being ‘fat’ and huge, and such insults really lowered the value that I put for myself. As of now, I am also undergoing therapy for my depression and anxiety which have plagued me for quite some time now. Not a lot of people of know about my condition (not even my parents). Having all these insecurities in my mind, the way I view myself and my self-esteem have been severely worsened. Not being able to see and do things the same way as before honestly feels like a curse. Which is why I am thankful for the people that have supported me because if not for their words of encouragement, I probably would not be here today. Therapy has helped get through bad days and hopefully, the progress continues until everything gets better.

I do apologize that this somehow became a medium for me to vent out and share my problems. These kinds of outlet certainly help me release emotional stress and tension. I am probably at the lowest part of my life, but I hope that I soon regain the strength to forge ahead. :)

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unrelated to this task but meet my bbs haha

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met new friends haha hi jomar and other co-apps also hi gsup mems

photo credit: ate pat-chan :)))

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what stress did to me

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This is the story of how I found my place in UP Diliman.

I was an UPCAT passer in UP Los Baños but ever since, I always had a bit of regret and frustration on why I didn’t reach the Diliman cut-off.  The thought haunted me for months but even then, it has, in a way, fuelled my drive and desire to transfer campuses. Not only is Diliman closer to home (Bulacan), the everyday expenses would be significantly reduced as commuting every week to Laguna, dorm and food expenses require a lot of money.  I also feared that I won’t find anyone to talk to in the same level as I talk with my sister who also studies in Diliman.

The road to get to my goal was anything but easy. There were a lot of twists, turns, bumps, and at some point, I even had to crawl my way forward. There was actually a time when I almost received a grade of 5 in Chemistry and Math and of all people, I was the one who knew it best that if I receive a failing grade, my Diliman dreams would crumble to dust. Fortunately, at the end of it all, I got an early Christmas gift (release of grades was around December), a miracle 3 and a holy 2.75 in both Chemistry and in Math, respectively. I was, without a doubt, both ecstatic and thankful with the results.Why wouldn’t I be? I was given another chance to continue on with my journey and that was definitely something to be happy about.

After finishing my first year in Elbi, I was a bit more confident that I’d get accepted in Diliman since I used the second semester as a GWA- booster (I only took GE subjects then for higher chances of obtaining 1.00’s). I started to process my requirements during the summer vacation starting with TCG’s, clearances, non-contract documents, etc. The hassle of commuting to Laguna almost every week was both taxing and physically draining but in retrospect, it was worth the effort. Once all of the documents were finished, I began to pass my requirements to the colleges of the courses that I wanted to apply to- Landscape Architecture, Geography, and Tourism.

After weeks of waiting, I then received a message from the College of Architecture saying that I got accepted in their program. The deadline for the intent-to-enrol form was the same day as the Geography interview. Without hesitation, I chose Geography over LA because during the orientation, I felt that it wasn’t the right course for me. To be honest, I also didn’t show up in the Tourism interview anymore because the moment I saw the email saying that I qualified for the Geography program, I knew I was up for something great. And surely, after two months of being a Geog Major, I can say that I finally found a home.

 I still miss Elbi, honestly, and I won’t deny it. The place itself, my friends and classmates, my professors, the food (yes really), they have all become a part of me. I considered UPLB a home, too and I still do but, this is a different chapter now. It’s time to make changes and embrace the present.

Geography, I hope you’ll take me to places that I’ve never been and to places I long to return to.  I’m looking forward to how our journey together will go.