ishoutallhere

[ishoutallhere]

kebimbangan

gue sebenernya bingung. sama apa yang gue lagi rasain sekarang ini. terlalu banyak ke complicated-an dalam hubungan gue dan hanif, dan kayaknya masalah ngga selesai-selesai, ngga tau kenapa.

gue ngerasa hanif adalah orang yang baik tapi gue ngerasa gue ngga cocok sama dia. walaupun ada beberapa persamaan antara dia. kita sama-sama ga bisa kalo bales chat lama. kita sama-sama ngga pernah ngilang, dan kita sama-sama baik.

kadang gue ragu sama hanif, terlebih karena gue beberapa kali nanggorin dia chatan sama cewe. itu salah satu hal yang bikin gue sakit hati sama dia. kedua, hanif agak egois, gue ngga tau kenapa salah yang dari dia, ujung-ujungnya bakal jadi salah gue dan bakalan gue yang minta maaf. aneh. contohnya, gue pernah mergokin dia chat sama cewe dan gue ngambek, dan dia bilang itu bukan selingkuh, padahal dia ngechat cewe itu “good night my sweety friend”, dan gue udah bilang ke dia gue ga suka dia chat sama cewe itu. which is i truly hope he won’t chat anymore with that girl, tapi ternyata dia masih smsan dan nelepon cewe itu. dan ketika gue marah dia cuma bilang “dia sms aku, masa aku ngga bales, dia kan temen lama aku, emang baik, kalo temen lama kamu sms dan kamu ngga bales? lo marah buat hal kayak gitu?”, ya gitulah elakan dia, dan ujungnya bakalan dia yang ngambek, and my stupidness, i am the one who will ask him to forgive me. ngerasa agak bodoh si memang, karena gue tau gue ngga salah tapi ujungnya gue minta maaf. hal lain yang gue sebel dari hanif adalah karena ketika berantem, dia ngga try to solve the problem as soon as possible. tapi dia selalu minta waktu buat sendiri. gue ngga sepemahaman sama dia tentang hal itu, karena gue ngerasa itu sama aja kayak lo mencoba menjauh.

hal lain yang gue ngga suka dari hanif adalah dia ngga pernah ngawatirin gue. ya iya deh kalo gue sakit dia khawatir sih, kayak misalnya nyuruh minum obat dll. tapi, dia ga pernah worry ketika gue ngelakuin hal extreme atau simple sendirian. misalnya, dia selalu ngebiarin gue nunggu ojek sendiri, cari makan sendiri diem di taman sendiri dan ujan-ujanan ditengah ujan deres. gue ngga tau, dia emang orangnya begitu, atau karena emang dia ngga oeduli ya sama gw? sampe kadang gw ngerasa gw yang cowoknya dan dia yang ceweknya. somehow gue ngerasa, gue pengen punya cowok yang take care of me, yang worry about me when i do something by myself, tapi gue ga paham, kenapa hanif never worry anything about me. why?

tapi ada banyak juga kebaikan dia, kayak dia selalu nyoba bikin gue seneng, dan ga pernah marah sama sesuatu yang gue lakuin. ya dia ga pernah marahlah gitu sama gue, kecuali kalo gue marah duluan, kayak yang gue bilang diatas. ujungnya pasti dia yang lebih marah ngga tau kenapa. dia penyabar, dia selalu nyoba bayarin gue makan ketika dia punya uang, dan dia ngga pernah ilang kabar.

jadi yang gue bingungin adalah what should i do to him? should i take time to be alone, tooo? to decide what i should do clearer? let’s see.

[ishoutallhere]

i hate you.

why?

why do you always make me sad? why you never understand what i mean why you always do like this my heart is so sick

i am feeling like you never think about me why you always make me feeling hurt you only use me for your happiness why you always do this to me

i am tired of you of our relationship i am very tired of everything between us i really want to end everything

i am over from this. i hate you. i really really hate you.

[ishoutallhere]

Tired of trying.

This is me, and I am like this. I am a childish, jealousy, and emotional person. When I wrote those sentences, I do feel hate myself. Moreover, because it is too difficult for me to change my those habits.

And, because of my those habits, I always hurt people that I love. It seems like I don’t learn from the mistakes. But, really, since I am with him I have tried to be the best version of me.

I try to do whatever he wants, he needs, understand his condition, and never ask him for being more than himself, as I can I try to not discuss more for the things he has done in the past which ever hurt me much and too difficult to forget, and I always try to give in/yield even when I feel I am not wrong.

I really understand that he also tries his best to be the best for me. So do I. However, maybe we just can’t bring happiness for each other.

If you bored of this fighting, so do I. However, I have no idea why I always do a mistake.

Believe in me, I am really tired now. Maybe you also feel the same. I am tired of trying to make you happy which in the end it is always failed, I am tired of trying to do my best which in the end I always hurt you.

Find your way, you know you are too good for me. Maybe we will find those who really fit for us.

Because maybe you are too good for me and I don’t deserve to be your woman..

[ishoutallhere]

i hate liar

the thing i hate the most in my life is a lie. i might be giving you some sorries after that. but when oneday i become tired. don’t ask any sorry. huft.

[ishoutallhere]

satu tambah satu sama dengan dua

Listhari

[ishoutallhere]

we never knew what will happen in the future dear, nowadays you are so busy. dear, I put my trust on you almost in the perfect number. I wish you are always here to keep my trust. I don’t think of losing you, but if I must, wish me best of luck to keep being a normal person.

[ishoutallhere]

as simple as this

dear,

you always tell me you want to know what’s on my mind

well dear I can’t tell you cos I’m afraid you’ll be sad or it will add your problem.

Dear,

In the beginning I’d like to say finding you is one of the best thing happened in my life, I ever lost someone who is very good 9 years ago and after that every man who I met just so ewrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.. and I finally found you the one that until this day never made me sad or upset.

And dear, honestly,

There are too many things on my mind.

First, I know even though you told me you will stay forever, I know you will not, soon or later you will leave me. I realize that I only could be your girlfriend when I’m here. So please dear don’t being so nice to me, why don’t you being rude to me, so on the time you go, I will not feel much sad.

Second, I do doubt to stay on you cos you will leave me and you told me that you will never marry me and you already have someone to marry there because family rules. In a rude word, we know it is pointless, you kept remind me too, but I still decided to survive. But I don’t think end it now will be good for me.

Third, in my mind I know you love me.. and I do so, so please can you tell me how to let you go in the future..............???????

Hanif, once that day come, please make me hate you.. so I could easily let you go.....................

[ishoutallhere]

Leaving is a choice

Don’t ask someone to go. It is simple. If they don’t want, they won’t. But if they want as hard as you try to ask them to stay, soon or later they will.

[ishoutallhere]

Because I’ve found you and I never thought to find another man.

You are truly the kind of man every girl need, then how come I let you go..

Thanks for this almost 3 months fulfilling my life. I love you and that’s just as simple as that.

[ishoutallhere]

Dearly beloved Mom,

The only thing could enough to pay me is your happiness. Your happiness package….. completed by your smile, your laugh, and yourself without any thought inside. Just live a life Mom, I don’t want you to think about everything, how to survive the live, how to have enough bill in your account, how to get things you need even those you want, how to tidy home. Hang all the problems to me. Hopefully, God will give me a chance to let my dreams come true. I need to see your smile hanging on your face. Your wrinkled face. But settle down, you are still beautiful. Dear you, Mom. I love you, just more than an ant loves his sugar, muchhh more. It just I couldn’t show how much it is. I love you more than anything could describe, my sugar.

[ishoutallhere]

[ishoutallhere]

Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy,

I'm sorry if only I'm too often make you feeling sad or angry.

Believe me, I just never meant to be.

I love you Dad, as much as my weight, even more. Last day, I was just feeling upset because that one, the veil I mean. It was the thing I expected the most from grandma's arrival.

I'm also feeling so guilty not only to you, but auntie. I'm feeling so bad just now.

Selfish and so on.

I'm sorry if the big parts of my life is much more to make you sad and angry than make you proud and happy. But I really want you to know.

Not even a lil of my part wants to make you sad or angry. Moreover to make your health being worse. Once again, I'm sorry, Dad.

Sincerely,

Your lovely daughter,

[ishoutallhere]

It might be

Maybe I'm trying to stop any connection with you, but deeply I wish you know it doesn't mean i stop loving you, I just want to stop hurting my self. It just I can't hurt my self anymore. Please don't be hurt because of me, please don't I beg you please don't be hurt because of me.. :'c stop calling me. It would be the best of us. Good luck for your future my dear, I love you.

[ishoutallhere]

The value of my life

Halo Iam.. longtime no see. after 8 years finally.. mantan pacar eug yang paling susah diputusin.. sayang sama eug.. baik sama eug.. ga dendem meskipun udah eug zalimin..

masih tetep ganteng, sama kayak yang di dp, masih tetep baik, tapi bedanya sekarang iam udh sukses.. iam udh bisa menghasilkan uang dan ga ngerepotin orgtua lagi... iam udh jd lelaki yg sesungguhnya..

yeaaayy de bangga bgt lah sm iam!

this guy. padahal udh gue zalimin masih aja tetep baik sm gue.. ga ngerti lg makan apaa ini org bisa baik begini..

yang berubah cuma satu.. sejak putus dan de jadian sm vico.. iam ga pernah lagi manggil nda dengan sebutan "de".. pokoknya aa dede udah ga ada lagi deh walaupun nda masih manggil iam a dan de.. tp iam tetep ga pernah sekalipun ngeluarin a de itu lagi.. ntah knp..

youve told me u need a long time to wake up from your falling on me.. but the worst part is for knowing that you finally could totally move on. bad for me but good for you am..

terlalu banyak yg mau de tulis..

org kayak iam emg pantes dapet yg baiiikkk bgt juga kayak iam, mungkin bukan de.. tp skrg de nyesel knp nyia2in iam.. dan buang iam layaknya sampah.. maafin de a! maafin dee..

kita emg masih berhubungan abis de putus sm vico. tp iam berubah.. iam dingin.. dinginn banget.. tp iam masih mencoba baik.. dan ga pernah iam jelekin nda ke org.. makasih ya am..

sampe akhirnya kmrn de ke bandung.. de excited bgt mau liat gimana sih org yg dr dulu selalu buatin gue barang dr tangannya sendiri "yang sekarang"..

nothing changed.. iam ya iam.. masih baik, lugu, ganteng, gagah, kurus, keker, lembut, rajin solat, jagoan, masih.. ga ada yg berubah. kecuali skrg iam udh jadi lelaki seutuhnya, bisa cari duit sendiri..

semua kriteria yg nda mau skrg ini ada di iam.. tp ya nda dpt karmanya skrg iam udh punya yg jauh lebih baik dr nda..

setelah 8 tahun, kita gugup.. kita ngobrol apapun yg ga penting.. mata iam.. nda pengen nangis liatnya.. nangis seneng tapi juga nangis sedih karna nda gabakal milikin iam lagi.. malem itu iam pamit trs megang tgn nda eratttt bgt, smp nda ga bs lepasin iam cm bilang "ini tangan nda yg klembutan apa tgn iam yg keras" akhirnya nda bs lepas.. tp ga pengen sbnrnya lepas.. rasanya tenang banget digenggem iam.. msh kayak dulu pas iam jagain nda trs..

iam msh baik bgt.. iam ga ngebiarin nda jalan kemanapun sendiri.. mau iam kerja juga iam bela2in anter jemput nda.. iam bisa ga ngga kaya gitu :C ntar nda tambah nyesel.. huhuhuhuhuh..

iam makasih ya.. dan hari rabu tanggal 13 agustus kmrn.. hari terindah tentang kita "lagi" buat nda.. ke gunung sm iam.. liat bandung dr atas sm iam manjat gunung.. nda capek, capek bgt.. tp nda seneng.. iam juga masih gentle kyk yg dulu.. ga biarin nda capek.. sabar bgt nuntun, bawain tas, iam ya iam.. smp kapan juga ga bakal berubah..

diatas bukit kita cerita banyak ttg kehidupan, nda juga nahan nangis tiap iam nyerempet kl iam udh serius sm yg skrg.. tp untung ga ktauan.. dan ga nangis.. ^-^ smp akhirnya pulang nda jg seneng kita dimotor lama bgt kesana kemari ga kunjung pulang, dimotor juga nda seneng bgt  ketawa2 cerita2, bener2 kayak ga pernah ada masalalu nda zalimin iam.. dan akhirnya berani meluk iam lagi trs iam genggem tangan nda gituu.. iam ngangetin tangan nda terus.. rasanya ga mau sampe aja.. akhirnya sampe juga di guesthouse.. nda ga rela rasanya iam pulang wkwk.. dan iam ga pulang kita ngobrol smp jam 1an.. pdhl bsk iam kerja, maap ya am ^^ ngobrol byk bgt smp akhirnya nda makin nyesel mutusin cowo ini dulu.. kenapa dulu gw selalu pengen cowo bengal, knp br sekarang gue pengen cowo baik2.. knp baru skrg?!!! kenapa dulu cowo sebaik ini malah gue campakkann kenapa kenapaaa aakkk wkwkw..

huft yasudahlah.. itu malem berasa dinyanyiin payung teduh.. malam jangan berlaluuu jangan datang dulu teraang, terang lama kutungguuu, kuingin berdua denganmuuu.. biar pagi dataang setelah aku memanggil teraang.. wkwk.

dan malem itu gue bahagia banget, pertama kalinya setelah gue putus dia manggil gue "de" lagi.. sampe di kosan dia langsung nyuruh gue solat dan tidur dengan sebutan de. ga gue bls soalnya sibuk nangis.. dan paginya dia sms lagi bbm juga pake de, dan sampe skrg alhamdulillah dia manggil gue "de". terima kasih Tuhan, panggilan itu aja yg kembali gue udh seneng minta ampun, terharu.. apalagi orgnya. hehe. sampe gue pulang dia kerja ga bs cabut itu guys huhu tp dia ga berenti2nya ngecall gue ngeguide gw, smp gue dijkt, he worries me that much, he is a very responsible one. ngga ngga bukan karna dia sayang sm gue, tp karna dia man abis, ya responsible lah gitu.. tuh kan kriteria gue lagiii. :') sampe skrg gue juga suka nangis sendiri, kadang kejer.. :'D. guys, if only your belonging bring you the goodness, make sure to keep your belonging, before you regret and someone take that from your hand. that someone will be luckier ever than you! I just don't believe there is a second chance, cos I lost him once, and I lost him forever. thank you for the vaue youve been brought to my life ya Am :))

Iam, maafin nda..

A, maafin de..

[ishoutallhere]

im sorry for asking you too many things i shouldnt ask or get.

maafin aku.. kamu ga salah.. kamu ga pernah salah. dr awal aku harusnya ga sayang sm kamu. ekspetasi berlebihan emang selalu bikin nyes. ini emang aku aja yang anggep kamu sayang juga sm aku. entahlah, aku yakin kamu cuma main2 sm aku. makin hari aku makin yakin kamu cuma iseng atau apa gitu. maapin aku yaa nuntut terlalu banyak. maapin aku.. plis jangan paksa aku pergi sekarang. tunggu bentar lagi ajaa.. bentar lagi.. buat searang ini aku blm bisa biasa aja tanpa tau kabar kamu. melek merem napes diem iya kamu mulu yg aku pikirin. knp sih kamu selalu bilang sayang sama aku kalo ngga. heeemm.. hahahahahh udahlah. semua kan diliat dr perilaku bukan omongan, jd ya emg aku hrs move to front. maapin aku ya sayang. maapppin ya

[ishoutallhere]

...

even i have known.. you are not good.. im still here waiting for you. too bad? yeah

[ishoutallhere]

give a type to go :)

hi haloooo! im writing my thesis now, but im kinda boringggg toward this thing. hahahahah

apa kabar? eh kemaren bokap gue ulang tahuuun. dan as the time goes by, i just realized now he just 50 years oldd :))

dude, everyone is getting older. i must be hurry. i must make my parents happy. life full of happiness.. moreover i must realize, it isn't only me who is gettin older but also people around me. people who i love.

11.45 malem skrg, bobo dulu ya bye :* wish me luck abt seeing my lecturer on tomorrow hhi