it-is-the-female-federal - Tumblr blog

[it-is-the-female-federal]

Sometimes i wonder, is make up really oppressive ? Isn’t it natural to want to look as good and as appealing as possible to the opposite sex and all also women seem to naturally be drawn to it since their youngest years

Numerous forms of face painting have been practiced throughout history in a variety of different cultures, for a variety of different reasons. It's natural to like pretty, colourful things; birds do too. If you've ever spent time around kids you'll find that it's really not uncommon for boys to be drawn to makeup (or other means of applying colour to their faces, sharpies if you're real lucky) either. That's not about a natural drive to be as appealing as possible to the opposite sex, it's the human version of a crow going "ooo, shiny".

Feminist criticism of makeup does not stem from a belief that it's inherently 100% always wrong to Put Stuff On Your Face. It's about the fact that the way makeup is currently practiced means that women who don't wear concealer to hide the veins that show through the naturally thin skin underneath their eyes are automatically accused of looking tired and disheveled whereas men "get away with it". Men are allowed to look human, whereas this decorated state (that's arguably no longer about decoration if you're going for a "natural" look) is expected of women. Sometimes literally at the cost of their jobs.

Given how easy it is to attract men as a woman, and how difficult it seems to be to attract a woman as a man, maybe men should be the ones who are more inclined to spend precious hours covering up blemishes and carving out a more desirable bone structure with contouring powder. But they don't. It's an unpleasant process and it hasn't been marketed to them as necessary, so they continue to go out into the world with their regular faces without being made to feel like they're lazy for it. We'd be a lot better off if that was the default for women too.

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I’m scared for our girls and women

[it-is-the-female-federal]

the commodification of friendship is the most annoying thing to come out of the internet in ages. like actually i love to break this to you but you're supposed to help your friends move even if it's hard work. or stay up with them when they're sad even if you're gonna lose sleep. you're supposed to listen to their fears and sorrows even if it means your own mind takes on a little bit of that weight. that's how you know that you care. they will drive you to the airport and then you will make them soup when they're sick. you're supposed to make small sacrifices for them and they are supposed to do that for you. and there's actually gonna be rough patches for both of you where the balance will be uneven and you will still be friends and it will not be unhealthy and they will not be abusive. life is not meant to be an endless prioritization of our own comfort if it was we would literally never get anywhere ever. jesus.

[it-is-the-female-federal]

”getting thicker skin” is great in theory but I think for some people “get better at handling your thin skin” is gonna be way more helpful advice. I have strong emotional reactions to criticism and they might never go away, but i can continue to try and handle each situation maturely and that’s the important part. Sometimes irrational feelings are chronic and living with them is better than trying to beat yourself up into not having them.

[it-is-the-female-federal]

"I wish governments would treat pornography as the health crisis it is. I want them to approach it as they do obesity, vaping or alcohol use." Holly Bourne

Every day, girls would report degrading, painful sex - unaware they'd been raped. Boys wanted to tick off sex acts like a video game: Horror stories from a youth sex adviser that lay bare the cost of hardcore porn on Britain's teens

The widespread consumption of hardcore porn is a public health emergency

READ MORE:  There's a sex act that's worryingly becoming the norm even though it's dangerous and most women hate it, says Tracey Cox – so what should YOU do if a partner suggests it?

By HOLLY BOURNE

PUBLISHED: 18:59 EDT, 18 October 2023 

Gripping my office desk, I read the messages landing in my inbox. 'I'm 14, and my boyfriend wants anal in a car park while people watch.'

'I'm scared to get strangled but everyone else is doing it.'

'Sex always hurts and my boyfriend doesn't care.' 

During almost every shift as an online sex and relationships adviser for young people, a teenage girl would write in, confused and upset after she'd been pressured, coerced or forced into having sex. 

In particular, to have rougher and more violent sex — like the sex they said the boys were watching in online porn.

I had known from my training that sexual violence would come up, but I never expected the onslaught. On a bad shift, at least half the messages would involve sexual violence. 

What was especially upsetting was these girls rarely realised they had just described a rape to me — they just saw non-consensual, degrading and painful sex as a 'normal' part of their lives.

That's what broke me in the end — the girls not realising. That they were feeling ashamed, confused and upset not due to a muddled sexual encounter, but because a horrific crime had been committed against them. 

It was worryingly evident what early exposure to hardcore porn was doing to this generation.

I had been warned that this kind of work takes its toll, that most people can only endure two years at the most. But I was excited for this next step in my career.

I'd worked as a journalist and editor at a youth charity website for three years and they'd asked me to step into this new role. I had a no-doubt idealised concept of what it would involve and how fulfilling it would be.

Two years later, however, I did indeed hand in my notice — a shell of the person I was before, one who needed counselling myself.

I was permanently angry, emotional and distrustful of men.

Six years on, I'm sad to say that things have got far worse for young people. 

On a particularly bad shift, at least half of the messages Holly (pictured) received would be about sexual violence 

Despite an onslaught of horrifying statistics about young people and pornography — one in ten children has viewed it by the age of nine; the average age of first exposure is 12; one in five under 18s admit to having a 'porn habit' — we appear unable to find solutions.

Although well-meaning, those on both the Left and Right shut down conversations about the harm porn causes our teenagers, leaving them to navigate this new sexual landscape alone.

From a conservative perspective, there's an understandable worry about what type of sex and porn education is appropriate for our children, alongside a reluctance to admit how bad the problem really is.

And, on the more liberal side, there's an often too adult view of sexuality, where fears of 'kink-shaming' or appearing 'sex-negative' outweigh the urgent safeguarding required for our teens' sexual wellbeing.

In the meantime, children keep watching porn at increasingly younger ages, with little to no framework to contextualise the brutal image being painted.

I believe the widespread consumption of hardcore pornography is now a public health emergency. 

Many teenagers are aware of what it's doing to them, and are desperate for help navigating the pressures they're under, but adults can't seem to figure out what the hell to do about it.

As someone who has seen the result first-hand, it frustrates and terrifies me.

Statistics have shown that one in ten children has viewed porn by the age of nine, that the average age of first exposure is 12 and that one in five under 18s admit to having a 'porn habit' (stock image)

When I started my new role, I considered it a privilege to be privy to young people's sex and relationship anxieties. The fact the service was anonymous meant users felt safe to open up about their most intimate secrets.

My first ever question was from somebody feeling lonely at university who didn't know how to make friends. Next came a boy who was scared to disclose his depression to a new girlfriend in case it put her off.

Common themes developed: loneliness, virginity, penis and vagina worries, uncertainty about sexuality.

Young men said they were aroused by porn not real women 

Within a week, I got my first rape-related enquiry. 'My friend walked me home from a house party then followed me into my bedroom and kept pushing me to have sex with him. 

'It was really rough and painful. Afterwards he acted like everything was normal. I'm so confused.'

I inhaled sharply and found myself shaking. We had a 'buddy system' where a colleague was always free during a shift in case you needed support and, for the first time, I called them over. 

'This will come up a lot,' they said. 'You may want to write a template answer.'

Later on, another awful message arrived. 'I don't know if I'm overreacting but I woke up the other morning to find my boyfriend having sex with me. 

'He thought it would be a nice 'surprise' to wake up to, but I don't know . . . It's made me feel really strange.'

I had to push my rage to one side and reply calmly and carefully. How do you explain to someone that they've technically been raped? 

I re-worded it a dozen times before sending — telling her whatever she was feeling was valid, that there was no 'wrong' way to respond to this. I encouraged her to seek specialist support to talk through her next steps.

After I hit send, I told my boss I needed to go for a walk. Once outside, I started crying, letting out a shriek that scared away a flock of pigeons. 

This was the third rape I'd responded to in my two-hour shift. Even worse, in each case the victim didn't realise she'd been raped. I sat on a bench and pushed back the tears.

I had compulsory clinical supervisions with a psychologist every month to ensure I was safe and sane enough to do my job properly. Every session centred around the sexual violence I was witnessing. 

'I knew I would find myself supporting some victims,' I told her, 'but I never could've imagined the scale of it.'

Quite often I'd have to counsel rapists themselves. Boys would write in, describing how they'd pressured their girlfriends into doing a certain sex act 'until they gave in', or had sex with them against their will, who were now seeking atonement.

Sometimes they'd describe raping their girlfriend and then complain that she was 'being weird' with them, asking for help on how they could 'get her over it'. I'd reply professionally and then go to scream in a toilet cubicle.

'This job is starting to change how I feel about men,' I told my supervisor a year into the job. 'It's hard not to be angry at all of them, to feel they're all like this.'

She reassured me it was a common issue for people who work with assault victims.

'If you worked for a charity that helped victims of dog bites, you'd soon start to feel like all dogs bite,' she said. 'But that doesn't mean all dogs do.'

She suggested I find tangible ways to channel my feelings of anger and helplessness, such as creative writing, and to remind myself of the good I was doing.

I was a teenager in the Noughties, and life wasn't exactly fun back then. Drunk girls were routinely taken advantage of at house parties, and I couldn't go clubbing without getting my bottom pinched.

But the sex expected of teenage girls now is far more hardcore — and the widespread access to free, violent pornography is the obvious driving force behind that. It has changed how young people learn about sex.

In fact, they grow up thinking porn sex is what sex is.

Girls wrote to me about being pressured into anal sex. Strangulation started to crop up a lot, as well as being badgered to have sex in front of others, to be spat on, have someone 'finish' on their faces, or to be filmed.

I began researching porn and it made me even more worried. Up to nine out of ten porn films show acts of physical and verbal violence, and women are the targets of this violence 97 per cent of the time.

Additionally, the women in porn almost always respond to this violence with pleasure or neutrality. What impact was this having on our teen's sexual psyche?

Can it be true what feminist Robin Morgan said, back in 1974, that 'porn is the theory and rape is the practice'? 

Worryingly, research indicates that, at the very least, pornography contributes to a wider rape culture, and, at the worst, trains its viewers to have little regard for consent in their lives.

The charity I worked for launched a Porn Vs Reality campaign, and created an app that taught young people about sexual consent. We also did some in-depth research into young men to try to understand their side.

Male users would often write to me about how they were becoming addicted to porn, unable to get aroused by 'real' women.

Our focus groups revealed a lack of positive role models for young men, as well as pressure to get 'man points' for ticking off certain sexual acts with girls — almost like sex was a video game.

I started writing fiction to help me work through my anger and despair and was shocked and delighted when I got a publishing deal. 

When the books, feminist novels for teenagers, became bestsellers, it gave me something positive to hang onto.

Holly  started writing fiction to help her work through her anger and despair and was shocked when she  got a publishing deal and her books, feminist novels for teenagers, became bestsellers

But as the months passed, the shifts got progressively more awful. My mental health worsened.

After 18 months, I was in an almost-constant state of rage. I'd walk around with my fists clenched.

I'd need to take long walks after each shift. I couldn't stop talking about the violence I was witnessing. I wanted people to take notice and change things.

Once I was scolded by a friend while we were out for dinner: 'Do you think you could make it through the meal without bringing up rape?'

Teens need to know sex can be about consent and tenderness 

I was in a long-term relationship at the time, which deteriorated as he struggled to accept his new, permanently furious, girlfriend. I wasn't the woman he knew. I was irrevocably altered, and we decided to end things.

At a top-up training session, I spent the day with women who work on specialist rape helplines. 'You know what they say,' one joked. 'You have to be a lesbian to do this job, and if you're not, you soon become one.'

We talked about burn-out on the job, how it can ruin relationships, the 'two-year time limit' and the endless new waves of advisors needed to replenish their broken stock.

I was determined to keep going, but when I spent an entire session sobbing after a shift of almost entirely rape-related messages, the charity's psychotherapist gently suggested I'd hit my limit. I felt instant relief, alongside instant guilt.

I handed in my notice, moved near the seaside, and continued seeing a psychologist to recover from my emotional burnout.

Worryingly, research indicates that, at the very least, pornography contributes to a wider rape culture, and, at the worst, trains its viewers to have little regard for consent in their lives (stock image)

I met my husband a year later, a man who shared my rage at this issue. He listened to my stories with interest, rather than a sigh and an eye-roll, and my hope and belief in men was slowly re-established.

I carried on writing novels for teenagers about female empowerment. But, until now, I've never felt ready to write about the impact of porn culture.

As studies paint an increasingly dire picture of our teen's sexual landscape, I felt I had a duty to unlock my vault of distressing memories.

I hope the result, my dystopian novel You Could Be So Pretty, will get my teenage readers to question the nightmare reality they accept as normal.

My main character, Belle, thinks something's wrong with her because she doesn't want to re-enact porn. Instead she craves connection and tenderness. 

I wanted to normalise young girls resisting what's expected of them. To attack this new sexual script where violence is accepted and welcomed.

 I want my readers to know that nothing is compulsory sexually, especially something that hurts or scares them.

I wish governments would treat pornography as the health crisis it is. I want them to approach it as they do obesity, vaping or alcohol use. 

Because what is the lasting health impact of a generation of girls being assaulted by the boys who claim to love them? Who learn that pain and degradation are supposed to be pleasurable?

There's widespread agreement that censoring porn is a futile exercise. Any digital native can easily bypass an age-restriction blocker. And though 'ethical' porn exists, this isn't the porn our young people are using.

But we have to resist somehow, and education seems the only available option.

We need to challenge the stories that teens are being taught about sex. We need to find ways to effectively teach them that 'it's OK not to want this' and 'it's illegal to do this'. To let them know that sex can be about consent, patience, tenderness and pleasure.

In the meantime, waves of burned-out support workers are crashing on the rocks every two years. 

I think of them regularly, with such enormous gratitude for the vital services they're providing. And I think of all those girls, still sending in their heartbreaking messages...

You Could Be So Pretty, published by Usborne, is out now.

[it-is-the-female-federal]

I feel like many of the defenders of prostitution don’t actually know/have known women who were/are prostituting themselves or being sold. Someone very close to me was trapped in the cycle and used drugs to cope since she was a young adult, which ultimately killed her. She was robbed of her life at every turn, even from childhood.

Ignorance allows people to be blind to the reality of these women and benefit from their struggle. There’s few things more dehumanising than that, imo.

so true! they dont actually do any research into numbers, statistics and patterns, or read between the lines and investigate the factors that push and pull women into prostitution.

they hear „im a prostitute and im against the nordic model“ and leave it at that without asking why. they hear „criminalisation harms prostitutes“ but they dont ask how. this is how we get people who think that full legalisation is the only option without considering the inherent issues with prostitution that cant be regulated away, and without considering that legalisation increases demand which increases harm, and without considering that there are ways to reach and help women under the nordic model if the right measures are implemented.

instead of advocating for the government to allocate funds on institutions, social workers, coaches, psychologists, etc who support prostituted women under the criminalisation of sex buyers they choose an easy and superficial „fix“ through the legal system while simultaneously claiming that the nordic model fails precisely because its a legal measure. they say „the nordic model doesnt fix the issues“ but they dont advocate for further changes such as the change of immigration law and enhancement of protection for single mothers.

then they scream bodily autonomy which is also stupid because bodily autonomy stops when someone else is doing the harm, in this case the sex buyer.

its all superficial but thats what liberalism is: it starts and ends at the individual. ironically then they dismiss every individual (ex) prostitute who is against prostitution because „your experiences are not universal“ - okay but consider that paying for sexual consent is universally detrimental to sex positivity and womens rights in a patriarchal world.

im so sorry to hear about your friend, may she rest in peace!

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i dont judge any woman who enters the sex industry for any reason, even if its to buy luxury goods or afford an extra vacation (as long as they dont publically downplay the abuse, talk over marginalised women or even defend the system and groom others into it). in the end, the money has to come from somewhere. why do so many men have disposable money to buy sex but so many women cant even afford to live comfortably? do you know what i mean? thats the problem. we shouldnt interrogate women why they need money, but focus on why men are willing and able to spend their income to buy access to womens bodies. many sex buyers are married and have kids, while many women in prostitution are single mothers and/or provide for their families, and have no savings. „treating yourself“ with consumerism as a woman in the sex industry is also a common coping mechanism.

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I am deeply, deeply sympathetic to the horrific trauma that gender-nonconforming male/amab children are subjected to on the basis of their gender-nonconformity, but it is SO intellectually dishonest to say "I was abused because of my femininity in my boyhood and therefore I am not male socialized" when being abused for expressions of femininity that are COUNTER to how you're expected to behave is literally definitionally male socialization. Female/afab children are not abused out of their femininity in an effort to get them to express masculinity, because female socialization is centered around extorting feminine, diminutive behavior out of girls.

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anyway I love things like having independence, being intelligent, taking pride in my skills, not feigning incompetence, referring to myself as a woman instead of a girl, aging unapologetically, having pores, stretch marks, grey hairs, wrinkles and body fat, listening to my body's needs, eating as much as I need to satisfy my hunger, being bare-faced, wearing comfortable clothes, etcetera

[it-is-the-female-federal]

anyway I love things like having independence, being intelligent, taking pride in my skills, not feigning incompetence, referring to myself as a woman instead of a girl, aging unapologetically, having pores, stretch marks, grey hairs, wrinkles and body fat, listening to my body's needs, eating as much as I need to satisfy my hunger, being bare-faced, wearing comfortable clothes, etcetera

[it-is-the-female-federal]

Here's to the people who weren't abused by their parents, but whose parents sucked anyways. Here's to people whose parents fucked up raising you out of ignorance and not malice. Here's to the kids whose parents didn't know what to do with you so they did nothing at all. Here's to people whose parents are getting better and growing as people but still hurt you. Here's to every mean comment that wouldn't have been so bad if it hadn't come from your mom; here's to awkward family dinners because you're all trying to forget;

here's to you, survivor of a thousand 'not as bad as it could have been' hurts. I see you. You aren't alone.

[it-is-the-female-federal]

“A significant amount of content amounted to torture. The report warned that any kind of so-called contract was void in legal terms, because a person could not consent to torture and sexual exploitation and trafficking.”

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I love learning about other culture's Houseguest Protocols but I hate hate hate when they don't match up cause like

I (PNW Canadian, raised with etiquette from my old British great-grandparents) sleeping over: Can I help with dinner. Can I do the dishes. PLEASE let me do something useful. Im sorry I'm here. I can sleep on the floor it's fine. You don't need to cook for me I can go outside and drink pond water. Do you hate me

My friend (Indian, raised by entire extended family in Dubai) hosting me: Why won't you let me feed you. Do you need more coffee. Am I doing something wrong. Do you have enough blankets? I will buy you warmer clothes. Here, you can sleep in my room, I'll take the couch. Why are you crying? Oh God am I a bad host

[it-is-the-female-federal]

What fucks me up about the way people talk about radfems is that they'll always say something along the lines of "terfs believe being a woman is hell and the worst thing that can ever happen to you and that's all they talk about" because they're ignoring the fact that the main point of activism is pointing out the things women go through. How are we going to achieve anything if we don't tell people "hey, this is what we are going through. This is the full extent of misogyny"? Of course mainstream/liberal feminism doesn't touch much upon this, it's a watered down, palatable version of feminism. Don't think about the morality of prostitution or porn, don't think about how the industry works, be sex positive! Don't think about why you have to shave, it's selfcare! Embrace being a bimbo, a slut, a whore, a good wife, and don't think about how those behaviors and labels benefit the patriarchy, it's reclaiming!

Being a woman is hard. It sucks, that's a truth we can't just ignore, and we need to focus on that to change.

To clear the misconception, no, radfems don't believe womanhood is essentially martyrdom. Radical feminism hasn't only brought me a harsh (but needed) realization, it had also brought me joy. I'm learning to value my mother more than ever, I've learnt to accept the body she gave me, I've let go of fantasies and kinks that only harmed me, and I'm proud to be who I am for the first time since I can remember. I'm proud and confident because despite living in a world that was never meant for me, I keep on living, trying, sometimes succeeding, others falling down and getting up again

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THIS!!

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[it-is-the-female-federal]

The empathy women have, particularly towards other women, is exploited by men in order to perpetuate the cycle of female servitude.

You see all the men in the living room talking and chatting while the women clean up the dishes. You want to tell the men that you're not doing it, it's not fair that it's always the women... but that would mean leaving your mothers, aunts, sisters, cousins, grandmas to clean up without your help. So you help clean up.

Your mother does the brunt of the housework, cooking, cleaning. She complains to the entire family that it's too much. The males say that they'll try to make less mess and then get on with their lives. But you see your mother struggling, so you pick up the mop, the vacuum, the broom, the scrub brush. You don't want her to do it all on her own.

Your female friend or family member is struggling to take care of her kids and babies. Her husband gets a boys night out, fantasy football, golf, sports matches, time to just sit and watch TV uninterrupted. But she doesn't. So you volunteer to take care of her kids so that she can have some time to herself.

The greatest weapon men utilise against women is our empathy for one another. Because they know that at the end of the day, most women aren't as selfish as they are.