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12.14.22, 12:16am

i feel like i keep having these moments where i realize that maybe i dont actually know who blake is. i know that the past is in the past, but what if your false idea of the past is what led you to choose someone and now you are realizing that maybe who you thought someone was, you actually had no idea. 

i feel very emotionally disconnected from blake right now. i feel like i got into this relationship and marriage based off of false ideas and images. and now i am in this commitment but feeling like its not what i signed up for. 

i know that marriage isnt supposed to be easy, but what if you realize that the person you are with isnt who you thought they were. i keep saying that but i feel very confused. i had such a strong and pure view of blake and was so confident that he was this amazing guy for me and the more i find out, i feel blind sided and wondering how even during some of the closest years of our friendship/relationship, i had no idea that he was involved in some of the things he was and doing the things he did.

and honestly it wouldnt matter if those things ended before i came into his life more seriously, but it didnt and not only did it not stop, but it was hidden from me. and i was deceived, tricked. what would i have done if i knew the full story and had seen the entire picture.

would i have stayed with blake or would i have broken up with him and realized that this wasnt what i thought it was.

i dont and didnt have that choice. i keep wrestling with the idea that we always said we were and are soulmates. but why am i continuing to uncover things about him that i am truly taken aback by. and what will the next thing be and will there ever be something that really does knock me off my feet and make me feel like i cant move forward from. 

we have this belief that wounds can be healed and marriages restored, but i dont really feel like we are married right now. i feel so disconnected and unsure of who he really is and what else there is that i dont know about that i cant connect with him in the present. 

the past is in the past, and i know that but it also is what propels our decisions for the future. and now there is this completely different narrative that i had no idea about and im realizing that i think my decisions would have gone differently. 

there is the path that i am on, or there is the path that i sometimes considered when i felt like blake was not going to give me what i needed and i could have moved back home to atlanta and started over there. where would i be now and what would life be like

i know that through all of this, blake has benefited by realizing that he has problems he needs to fix and healing his trauma, but what about me? what am i getting? my husband cant even properly cherish me and doesnt view me the way i dreamed my husband would because of a hidden addiction that i was lied to about. 

part of me feels so emotionless because ever since blake told me about his addiction, i shut down something inside of me. but ever since i watched wednesday, i feel that part of me, the hopeless romantic, stirring and wanting to be kindled. and instead of finding that, im collateral to blakes recovery, and am unfulfilled. this is isnt what i imagined for myself and to think i was just blindly in this relationship and marriage for a year and half, and only have experienced one full month of the “real” us.

 im not happy.

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12.12.22

i had a dream about elliott baring last night, it was so real and vivid. he was dating a blonde girl and i was trying to find him. i couldnt decipher in my dream whether i was supposed to be with blake or not. it was like my dream mind and real mind were fighting. i dont know why i dreamt about him, its been a long time since elliott and i spoke or i have seen anything about him really and it was so strange the way the dream made me feel, so i texted him. only to get to work and look at the date and realize it is his birthday today. 

elliott and i have such a weird history. we were friends for such a long time and then finally on his 21st birthday he drunkenly kissed me. i dont know if he remembered doing it, that was 6 years ago and i dont think it has ever been brought up. its a weird thing to think about though, like why did it never go anywhere, or maybe he was too embarrassed. 

either way, after the dream i looked up his instagram to see he is dating a blonde, that was weird. but the dream has lingered over me all day now. i keep having these vivid dreams with heavy emotions and imagery. i feel like some days i cant make out what was real and which emotions are actually mine. i wanted to write this to start keeping track of my dreams because i feel very off after last night. i dont know whats going on with me but i feel very lost. 

part of me wants to say that i miss elliott but i dont actually feel that way, but then i think about my dream and how it makes me curious to see him again but i am married now and i know that is wrong. 

these dreams are making things very fuzzy.

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dear tr

it makes me so sad to see whatever we had just be nothing. i loved talking to you and you made me feel things i didn't expect to so soon. and now that you've changed your mind, i hate that I've lost you as a person. after all those years, and then i finally got a chance and got to actually talk to you and realize how wonderful you are and then i lost it. idk why i want to see you so badly or even talk to you. you don't think twice about me, so why should i. but i just want to run into you somewhere or just finally have you text me again. idk why i wanted you so bad. it was weird. and now i can't feel anything with anyone. but yet i still want to see you and talk. another just not meant to be i guess. maybe when you leave again youll talk. probably not though so i shouldn't get my hopes up. i should just forget about you. add that to the list of people who view me as nothing so i should do the same. fuck though, i really liked what we had. and i miss it. miss you. damn

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dear cm

pretty shitty what you did. pretty disgusting what you said. honestly you aren't worth being angry over. but i know what you said and i know what i could do to your life and its fine. but i never said half that shit and for you to put words in my mouth and talk about like that makes me want to scream. if i ever see you, you’ll be done

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dear jbo

i’m confused as to what happened between us. why are you blocking me, why are you shutting me out. all i ever wanted was to be your friend and your actions only confirm that there is something wrong with me or something that makes you not want to be around me or just cut me off like that. I'm so over feeling like i don't belong. i know that overtime our lives cross things get messy but where i am in life i just want friends. and wanted you to be one of them. its shitty the way you treat me but i guess i really should just accept it and tell myself you're an asshole so i can just forget about you. its stupid I'm even writing this or thinking about you. you view me as nothing so why should i view you differently. 

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saturn

its december 31, 2016. im 20 years old. and life has gotten better in a sense that so many terrible things aren't going on, but i still feel lost. still feel numb and empty. and still feel alone. guess that wont ever change. might as well get used to it.

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dear t,

hey you, i know you're kinda mad at me. and you think that I'm shutting you down. but i really just am scared to walk away from adam. i know how bad that sounds but he's what I've known and wanted for so long and its scary to suddenly change that to someone who I'm not sure is gonna be here. i want to believe that you'd stay for me but you tried to leave. you get in such a dark place that not even i can help. that makes me feel so helpless. i wish that i could see into the future and figure out how it all ends up but i just have to trust in what God promises and that’s that He knows whats best for me. its hard not being able to talk to you a lot and having the time that I see you be limited to an hour with people watching. i want to just sit and talk through things with you, alone. plus i hate how the way you feel for me makes you hurt, not happy. i would never want someone to hate the way the feel about me. that kills me. but i just have to pray and keep praying that God will show to me what is right. i reeally just want you better. thats all i care about

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secret life of this girl.

lets just start here. an 18 year old that is barely getting through the last couple months of her senior year. who manages to recover from the past that honestly, doesn't seem real. it seems like a nightmare. one big fucking bad dream that never ended. i want to walk you through my life. i want you to understand what it is like to be a teenager. to go through years of pure torment and somehow still manage to be able to graduate. to leave the hell which was once the place i called home. {{it's now March of 2015, and I just found this}}

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june 8th, 2014.

there comes a point when you stop fighting, when you stop trying to defend yourself, when you just take it. youre in your room cleaning up things and you come across old journals, full of entries detailing the miserable times that you felt needed to be embedded on a piece of paper. then just like that the journal goes back into its place just like the story goes back into its place, in the past. i think that alot of people like to look at me and think that im this fame story. i fought depression and won. i made it through a shitty family life and won. i watched a marriage fall apart and still made it through. but none of that really means anything. what, congratulations to me? theres no room for a congratulatory attitude. its not about being high and mighty. its about acknowledging that things come and go. things fade and they pass. the present can present itself in a way that seems unbearable, intolerable, but the truth is, thats just life. life. a simple 4 letter word that we let completely define how we go about our every day. "my life..." my life sucks, my life is great, my life is beautiful. my life.... i don't think i have reached the point of being able to define "my life..." i think its a forever pending statement that i dont know if I will ever be able to finish. because life is always changing. we find a folder with school work from the 9th grade that we thought was impossible. we thought we would never be able to finish. and we laugh as it was a simple math problem that now we could solve in a second. but thats just it, again, the past. it fades, it disappears, it is let go. the sentence i am typing now is becoming a part of the past because its already been completed. and isnt it weird? i think that life is always going to move along. the way its supposed to. but my life, i dont know how to define it. i will define some of the ways i used to look at it. my life... is hopeless my life... is redeemed my life... is renewed my life... is over it changes, it always does. it never will stop changing. and thats how it works. another journal full of experiences, that we put on a shelf, until one day we need to do some cleaning up and decided to take it out again and acknowledge what we went through, then we put it back and continue to go about our lives until the day we realize my life... is life

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Most fucked up night ever.. damn

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I'm so fucking scared. I can't relapse. I don't want to. I don't want to go back to the way I felt. I'm goin to push as hard as I can to stay happy and stay focused on the goal of being myself. Ugh this is so terrifying and I feel so alone

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fuck you fuck your friends fuck your face fuck your life I fucking hate you because you're a fuck. SO FUCKING FUCK YOU

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I hate hiding this from you

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Such a fucking good night once I let go and actually started socializing

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I needed you tonight. Damn

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fucking miserable. long ass night ahead of me full of crying and feeling like im never going to be good enough. Yay

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I hate my face today. ew