it-wasnt-that-bad - Tumblr blog

[it-wasnt-that-bad]

Hello. This post is being written by a friend of Sarah’s at her twin’s request. I have been asked to disclose the following. 

1. Sarah unfortunately killed herself on Monday, January 4 in the late evening.

2. Jasper is okay and her aunt is taking ownership of him.

3. Her family does not need any help notifying anyone, accessing her stuff, etc. They’ve got all that taken care of.

4. I ( @queerenbian ) with her twin’s permission have started a Discord server for friend’s of Sarah’s. Here is the link.

5. Her twiin does not wish to be involved in anything surrounding her death. This includes the desire not to be messaged on Reddit regarding Sarah’s death.

I will not be accessing this account again so please forward all questions to myself, @queerenbian. I am more than happy to answer them.

[it-wasnt-that-bad]

Hi,

This is a scheduled post, so if you're reading this I'm probably not around anymore. There were some queued and scheduled posts before this one so that I didn't conspicuously disappear for a few days. This blog has been a huge help and source of support for me and even though I haven't always been the best about replying to messages I always appreciated them.

I know this may not seem like a success story, but things really did get better in a way compared to when I started this blog. I was so full of self-loathing in those days and constantly hurting myself as punishment. This choice I'm making now isn't out of self-loathing, it's a selfish choice because I'm tired and keeping up with being an adult and managing life is too difficult and exhausting for me.

I wish all of you the best, and I hope you can find peace and healing

Sarah

[it-wasnt-that-bad]

remember to listen to yourself. if you’re exhausted and don’t have the energy to commit to plans, it’s okay to say no. if you’re feeling like total crap and just can’t motivate yourself to be productive; rest! it’s okay to say no to things you’re not up to and set limits and let yourself have a break from it all, you deserve it.

[it-wasnt-that-bad]

Being 20+ is basically a constant question of “am I doing enough” and the answer always being a solid ‘no’

[it-wasnt-that-bad]

[it-wasnt-that-bad]

sorry i didn’t respond im losing my fucking mind

[it-wasnt-that-bad]

[it-wasnt-that-bad]

[12:29am ET on 4 January 2021] I hope you’re alive, Sarah. I hope you haven’t started preparing for/executing your plan. I know you’re not okay right now but I hope that you will be someday and you have to stay alive in order for that to happen.

I'm alive. I just sent an online vendor a message asking when the soonest I could get ketamine would be (as in the thing that has successfully treated my suicidal ideation in the past, not using it for bad reasons). I'm curled up under two weighted blankets with my cat, trying to get some sleep because I'm sleep deprived right now and I know that makes everything feel a million times worse.

[it-wasnt-that-bad]

ur post abt the stone made me smile <3 i think thats exactly correct and its really awesome you were able to recognize that.. i hope it can bring you some well deserved comfort in the future

Thank you, it is

I'm having a pretty rough night right now and having it brings me some comfort. It's in my hand right now.

[it-wasnt-that-bad]

[it-wasnt-that-bad]

abuse survivors don’t owe their abusers a single thing. they don’t owe them a phone call, they don’t owe them a card, they don’t owe them a hug, or forgiveness, or any other thing. abuse survivors don’t have to invite abusive relatives to christmas. they don’t have to call someone who abused them for years just because it’s their abuser’s birthday. don’t ever pressure someone into contacting an abuser.

[it-wasnt-that-bad]

On anon because I recognize this is pretty cynical. But, if you ask for help (please do) and live through this episode, you'll have another chance. I can guarantee you'll have another opportunity to die, but no one can guarantee it will always be this bad.

That's definitely a point to consider, but now is also a uniquely good time because I'm supposed to start back at my grad program this week and I feel like I'm not capable of succeeding and if I kms now people won't see me fail and be not good enough first, and I won't have to go through the pain of struggling trying to be good enough and just not being able to do it and watching myself slowly fail

[it-wasnt-that-bad]

[it-wasnt-that-bad]

I don't want to kill myself

I want to live and have a happy rewarding satisfying full life

But I don't want to live like this

I don't know if that kind of life is possible for me or if I should give up trying. How long have I been trying? Is it actually realistic?

Do I wish I'd killed myself ten years ago? Honestly I'm not sure.

Is the fact that I don't want to die foolish and irrational and something that should be overridden?

There's this stupid part of me that wants to reach out to my therapist for reassurance and comfort because I know that if I reach out to him then I absolutely would not do it. But I don't know if I should give into that impulse. I just want to be told that it's all going to be okay, but no one can actually promise me that.

(I'm not in imminent danger, the plan I would use would require at least 24 to 48 hours of preparation/setup)

[it-wasnt-that-bad]

god one of the really fucking shitty parts of being borderline is I have absolutely no fucking idea how my quality of life and happiness has been across various points of my life and therefore no fucking idea what I might be able to expect in the future

When I had what was basically a QPR with someone was I happy? When I was able to spend a ton of time with my then-FP who is a really amazing person was I happy? Did the good outweigh the bad? I don't fucking know. What about when I didn't have those things, a year ago, two years ago? Was there ever a time when my executive dysfunction was managed? How much of the time have I spent in pain? Have I spent most of my days dreading getting up and doing things? If I have a routine am I more motivated? I know my mood has always been unstable but I don't know if there were times when things were generally good.

I also don't know if I was only able to push myself using self-loathing. Now that I don't hate myself anymore I feel like I can't accomplish anything.

[it-wasnt-that-bad]

the p in ptsd stands for pretty

[it-wasnt-that-bad]