ithrie

[ithrie]

[ithrie]

So frustrated. I’m wrong. Always wrong. Bad things are always going to happen. People are always bad & lying & Im always wrong. Im surprised I’m able to tie my shoes if thats actually true. I can’t observe or experience anything because i’m wrong. I know NOTHING about my childhood I lived, i’m just.. wrong.

Just ask her, she’ll tell you! 😩

[ithrie]

🍂 I loathe how things are with me. People are so mean. Why are people mean when you’re struggling? Im failing everybody, I’m letting everybody down I can’t save my son I badly badly want to as his father isn’t & won’t for obscure reasons and for some notion everything that I say is taken as some accusation or criticism, I am so tired. I can’t make anyone happy & I go around feeling just barely tolerated. I try & try and I just invariably come face to face with walls, continually seeing rejection in everyone’s eyes & in their behaviors towards me. I always just feel little. I frequently want to just quietly slip away. I always just feel pushed away. I feel repellent. I want to just lay on this wave moving me through life & let it just move me place to place because when I make decisions for myself, it’s perpetually wrong. It forever leaves me feeling like I am bad at life. Bad at being A Christian. Bad at being a woman. Bad at being A wife & mother. A person. I just continually am left feeling like a defective person. My choices always go bad and I feel emotionally alone. And lost. Idk what i’m supposed to be or what I’m supposed to feel. Im even literally here because my choices didn’t work. Im ever destined to be wrong. No matter what I say at all.

On top of it all, 20 years of what I believed to be a genuine & well founded friendship, even raising a son together & all dissipated in a snap just because i was fearful & not handling my son’s medical crisis very bravely. Like usual it was taken as personal criticism. I was terrified. I needed my friend, I got forever shut out. Im not good at fear. I have an anxiety disorder & it’s not helpful. Not even a little.

It does help snuff out a lot of my friendships & relationships. But after 20 years? You’d think there would be more understanding.. Im left feeling like I was just tolerated for all those years. I feel discarded and misunderstood. Not really important to anybody. Not important enough to forgive in my maybe not so great moments. Even after so long. Another friendship I’m bad at. Im bad at most of them. And awkward in general. 🥺

[ithrie]

🥀🕯️As I shared ’ve moved home.. my grandfather has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s & my nana with serious dementia. This’ll be quite the bittersweet journey…🥺 He’s suddenly, out of the blue fixated on selling the house & moving my extremely unwell nana who’s going through treatments and testing for Cancers & possible liver failure to San Diego to where his brother moved to on a whim to make beer at 70 yrs. Old and nana has never been a city girl in her life. She has no balance & can’t step fully on her feet. He’s literally endangering her. And himself honestly.I have no recourse.I can’t do anything.Just.. wave goodbye I guess? It’ll be the last time I see my nana, shes not well enough to go through a whole move..🥺 Now they’re gone, and we don’t even know where they went or even if they made it to their destination. And the brother is just gone & not helping anything. A very important part of my family is just gone. And the promise to my nana that I would take care of her broken.

[ithrie]

🕯️Made a bittersweet move just recently. Caring for my grandparents whom have reached that age. Its Christmas time. Im still struggling with mental health i’m depressed. Struggle with anxiety.. because I am a caregiver I was the logical choice to care for my grandparents..It makes everyone else happy at least. Idk how well i’m going to do with everything and my own condition. Ive never really had time to work on it. I had a therapist for a bit but she was more interested in using her experiences & stories as answers for me &.. it just didn’t really help. Then when my insurance hiccuped and I lost her she didn’t seem like she was all that disappointed. I mean, after three years you would think you would have created some sort of a bond at least? So I didn’t chase her. Its been months now without one. I probably need to remedy that. I feel like I’m the only person in the world who could feel totally alone in a crowd of people..even friends & family. I feel isolated & wandering & glazed over. My mind can’t organize, my memory is bla. Idk. At least everyone else is happy i’m here. in this place. doing these things. Essentially walking with my grandparents to their rainbow bridge. 🕊️

[ithrie]

Truth. 🍂🕯️

[ithrie]

🍂🕯️

[ithrie]

This is for the people who didn’t party in their teens and twenties. For the people who didn’t have that “coming of age” movie experience with shenanigans and revelations. This is for the people who mostly keep to themselves. Who maybe prefer things to be quieter and gentler. This is for the people who don’t feel like they belong in a culture that values loud parties and flashing lights. I see you. And you are valid.

[ithrie]

[ithrie]

Always towards hope..

[ithrie]

🥀

[ithrie]

Always. 🥀

[ithrie]

There’s never a moment I don’t.

[ithrie]

Always I feel this, Always.

[ithrie]

[ithrie]