itllallworkout

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6 month intentions

I’ve been listening to this podcast that talks about self-care and they discussed setting 6 month intentions. Which has inspired me to set some of my own:

1. learn ways to reduce my stress 

2. learn ways to help manage my fear of abandonment 

3. work out at least 2x a week, not for physical reasons but for my mental health (see point 1) 

4. Be able to get back to calling my mom at least once a week but continuing to set boundaries. Since I’ve been therapy I havent spoken to my mom the way I used to, I have a lot of unsolved anger at the moment which has made me want to avoid her at all costs because it drains me emotionally. But I do want to fix our relationship at least on my side but change the dynamic that we used to have. i.e i should be her only child she can depend on when she has 2 others. 

Let’s see where I am in 6 months! I am getting back into therapy so really want to focus on points 1, 2 and 4. 

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I really don’t know where to post this but just felt the need to document it.

I haven’t met someone like him before. Someone who relives my anxieties and my fears and doesn’t trigger them. When I’m away from him I genuinely miss him to my core. And it’s not how I used to miss guys where there was so much pain and anxiety and fear.

I do have the fear and the anxiety and I try to sit in it and tell myself it’s gonna be okay and it will pass. It’s just not soooo intense like how it was before where it’s constant.

For the first time I want to take things slow and not rush into commitment when it stems from my fear of abandonment vs actually wanting to spend my life with this person.

He’s different and kind and a good southern boy through and through. But above all he’s consistent. He’s not afraid to show affection and for the first time I don’t feel repulsed by it or awkward.

To think therapy and self awareness has helped me reach this point is unbelievable.

So let’s see how this goes

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Nothing like a midnight mental breakdown to prevent you from sleeping. My breakdown consisted of:

-anxiety over work and how unhappy I am. Which is very weird for me to feel about a job since all my life my mom has instilled in me the notion of pushing through. Also realizing how much stress I have had and how much weight I probably gained from it 

-applying to at least 5 different jobs because of the above 

-reaching out to a group about the above and crying about it and then getting a dose of the Sunday scaries 

-feeling anxiety about relationships i.e. am i worthy?? does he REALLY like me?? 

-after the above i proceeded to look up an old email from an ex-boyfriend to make myself feel a little better 

And now my breakdown is winding down enough for me to go to sleep 2 hours later. 

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Elliott Smith // I Can’t Answer You Anymore

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Mumford and Sons’ new album Delta is giving me all kinds of life. 

So different but just what I needed in this phase of my life. 

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IM SCREAMING. THIS IS EVERYTHING

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I struggle hard with confidence and feeling secure with my self worth. Today has been one of those days where I want to wallow in these feelings of low confidence and self doubt and wonder “why not me?” I know the feeling will pass and if I ignore this feeling it will keep bottling up( hurray for things I learned in therapy!)

I am worthy of everything I am given. I’m worthy of the promotion I just received, I’m worthy of the friends I have in my life, I’m worthy of love and happiness. And anyone who makes me question my self worth isn’t worth my time.

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Sometimes you’re like a distant memory to me. Feeling like this sometimes make me wonder if you were ever in my life at all

I guess this is what time passing feels like.

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Guilty as charged.

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i feel attacked.

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things the Queer Eye cast did: THAT

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Not Ready To Make Nice - Dixie Chicks

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one day you’re just gonna be like “i’m glad i didn’t give up back then”

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*September arrives*

me: *puts on layered clothes, boots, and a scarf*

someone: it’s like 90 degrees outside–

me: it’s fall

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Date a boy who looks at you like you’re the camera in the Office whenever other people are being ridiculous