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Losing a loved one

There was this day I was worried about only one thing: the project I had to present the next day with a group of classmates.

I got home. I was mentalized, I had to finish, I didn’t care about sleeping. I opened the door and my family was there: my mom, my dad and my little sister (the other one was resting in bed).

They were kind of quiet and weird. My dad asked me if I was feeling good emotionally. I thought it was a joke, cause he’s always joking, but not this time. I looked at my mom and she started to tell me about her day. At that moment I remembered that she and my sister spent the whole day at the doctor because my sister wasn’t feeling good lately.

I felt scared about what she was about to tell me, so I didn’t let her continue and I said “Don’t tell me the cancer is somewhere else now”. She nodded.

God! I was paralyzed. The cancer in her brain was now in her lungs and probably other parts of her body too. The doctor said there was not too much time left. 

I knew this was going to happen, she spent two years in palliative care, but I wasn't ready to let her go, none of us were.

My mind and my heart were hurting, but I didn’t know what to say. I just listened to my mother saying we should keep our promise of using the time we had left loving my sister and doing whatever she wanted so she could be happy as much as possible. That’s what we’ve done the past four years and a half. And I would do it for the rest of my life. I’d do anything for her.

My eyes were full of tears, but I didn’t let myself cry, because I knew I wouldn’t stop if I started.

I went to the room and there she was, sleeping beautifully, peaceful. There were machines, one for the oxygen and the other one for the first dose of morphine to calm her pain. She woke up and was very sleepy, we thought it was the morphine. We didn’t know what was really happening. 

She looked at me while my mom was fixing some things for her. I smiled and she did the same, she looked happy and calm. My dad was behind me making funny faces, I pretended I didn’t realize and she tried to warn me. We laughed. The minutes passed and she was tired, so I told her she should sleep again. My mom told her that she loved her and she answered “I love you more”. She closed her eyes and went back to sleep.

I knew the news were terrible, but I decided to finish my assignment so I could cry properly later. I stayed working till 4 am in my desk -in the same room where my sister was, our room- while everyone else was sleeping. 

Suddenly my mom appeared in the room and screamed. She said my sister had a strange color in her face. I told her it was the light and she said “no, something’s wrong”. I stopped doing what I was doing and tried to help but I didn’t know how. My mom was desperate, she measured the oxygen saturation and the results were not good. She went to look for an aspiration machine but for some reason it didn’t work. My dad was trying to help too. They tried so many things while I was in the living room crying, my chest was hurting and I was really scared walking from one place to another. It was sad. Time passed and there was nothing we could do, therefore my mom called for help. The doctor said everything indicated that my sister was dying.

Oh my God, we were not prepared. I loved her with my life, I still do.

We called our grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins ​​so they could say goodbye. 

That night was hard, no one could believe how in less than 24 hours things had changed. No one could believe my sister was dying. The atmosphere was calm at times and desolate at other times.

Never before in my life had I experienced anything like this. Relatives had died, but no one so close to me had ever died.

Suddenly I was no tired, I didn’t want to lose time sleeping, I just wanted to be with my sister for the last time. I stayed next to her, I cried in her shoulder, I caressed her face, I kissed her, I told her how much I loved her,  I hugged her, I took her hand, I fixed her hair, I whispered in her ear. In that moment I gave her everything of me, I really can’t explain how, but I did it. That night my entire family was willing to give everything of them, and they did it. 

My mom sang her favorite songs and my heart broke when I saw her telling her she could rest. She told her she was not angry, she told her body was tired and she should not worry about us. Her eyes were closed, but I knew she was listening when my grandma said something funny and she moved her lips like wanting to laugh. 

That night was the most heartbreaking of my life, but I felt grateful for having the opportunity of staying right next to her.

My sister passed away on june 14th at 12:00 O'Clock.

The color of her face started to change and her breathing was slower. My entire family and I were around her bed. My mother was right next to her and I was behind her holding my other sister’s hand. She let out a long sigh and died. No pain, no suffer.

I usually feel weird close to a dead body, but not my sister’s. I treated her with so much love and respect even when she was not breathing. 

It’s funny how some people say you cannot love something that doesn’t exist, because for common people my sister does not longer exist, but I love her with so much power. That’s why I realize that love really transcends everything.

My sister died at 17, she had life ahead, she was so talented, funny and intelligent. Her personality was strong, she was bright and wasn’t afraid of being herself, she was so brave, just like every sick kid fighting. There were so many things she had to do and I still don’t get why this happened. But it doesn’t matter if she’s not here anymore to do all of those things, she did so many other things when she was alive that there’s no way people will forget her.

I’m not gonna lie, I’m terrified of this life without her, I’m afraid of forgetting her face, her smell, her voice, memories of a lifetime. I am completely broken but in some way I’m happy for her and that’s what calms me sometimes. She fought against a terrible illness, she had to face so many difficulties, she had to get used to a new life and a new body. She had a lot of pain.  My only consolation is that now she is not suffering.

I feel her everywhere. There's no day I haven't thought about her since she died and I don't believe there will be a day that I won't think about her. I will never get over her. 

Everyday I get home, I go straight to our room and my heart breaks a little bit when she’s not there. I look at her clothes and my eyes are filled with tears, my heart breaks a little. I smell her pillow, her perfume is disappearing, my heart breaks a little. At nights I’m trying to fall asleep, I turn my head to the left and her bed is not there, my heart breaks a little. Then I look at the wall and there are pictures of loved ones. She put them there cause her memory was failing and didn’t want to forget them. The most striking photo in the wall is one in which she appears, at nights I look at it and I cry, my heart breaks a little. I mostly cry when I’m driving, in the shower or at nights, I guess those are the moments where I have the most time to think.

Sometimes I miss her so much that I want to touch her desperately, that’s almost everyday. I remember there was this time she had a terrible convulsion and I was alone with her. I was so shocked that I couldn’t sleep properly for two months. I would go to her room (because at that time we had separated rooms) and check if she was breathing.

Lately she was really annoying at nights, it was hard for her to sleep so she would just talk A LOT. Sometimes she would wake me up just to tell me some stupid thing or to accommodate her in bed. I’m not even kidding if I say she would do that ten times. But I promise I wouldn’t mind doing all of those things and more everyday for the rest of my life just to have her with me. 

Tomorrow is her birthday, it’s going to be such a special day, it’ll be her day. We are going to celebrate her, just like she deserves. 

I know it sounds flagellating, but I don’t want this pain to go away because it reminds me of how much I love her. Like her, I will learn to live in pain. I will seek happiness, I will be happy for her, missing her, making her proud. 

To be honest I don’t think this is the right title, because I didn’t lose her, she’s in me. And I don’t know if we'll ever see each other again, I only know that in my dreams I can find her. 

[its-c0mplicat3d-blog1]

05/23/17 Two weeks ago I went to my first meeting with the phsycologist of my university. It was on May 9th to be precise. I was really nervous. I knew I needed to see a therapist, I was told I had to. The thing is I've kept so many emotions to myself. I think too much and not telling anyone doesn't make me feel good. I got there and I started to tell everything. I wasn't sure at first, because I didn't know if she would understand. But she did, so I opened up a little bit more until I couldn't hold my tears. It felt pretty good to finally say out loud to someone how I feel. I cried a lot but it made me feel better. Now I need to be completley better. I will.

[its-c0mplicat3d-blog1]

Observing people

May 5th, 2017 - 15.00

I’m eating pizza at a restaurant with a friend. A few tables away there’s a family: a woman whom seems to be the mother, four kids and a teenager. The older girl is maybe 14 or 15 years old. They are all talking and doing their own stuff. But the girl is acting weird. She’s quiet. She looks at her family and I know she must be thinking too many things at the same time. She doesn’t look happy, she looks like she’s trying to but she can’t. And nobody can see her.

She remembers me of myself. I’ve been like her, trying to fit in the situation. I can see in her eyes her pain. I don’t know what she’s going trough but I can see she is sad. And I feel sad for not being able to do smething. I can’t go to their table and ask her if she’s ok. I mean I can but I don’t dare to do it. I wish I could look at her, tell her that everything is going to be ok, tell her that whatever she’s feeling right now it’s not permanent. But I can’t.

I just hope she feels better soon and I hope she knows she can be happy.

[its-c0mplicat3d-blog1]

I’ve been thinking too much lately. Sometimes it’s ok but sometimes it makes me feel crazy. And with too much thinking I lose productive time.

[its-c0mplicat3d-blog1]

Growing up

When I was 17 I said “I want to stay like this forever, this age, I never want to grow up again”.

Obviously I grew up, but I always have the same feeling, I don’t want to keep growing up. I wish I was 17 for eternity.

I don’t know exactly why I like that age so much, maybe something good happened when I was that age and I don’t remember, but I have some ideas.

When you’re 17 you’re not a kid anymore, but you’re not and adult either. I mean I know that’s stupid, I don’t think a person is inmediatly a mature and responsable being when they turn 18. What I mean is society think that a person must be like that when they turn 18 and is so stressfull.

When you’re 17 you are on the edge. You’re in between childhood and adulthood. It’s your last chance to be free (Theoretically. I could break my point in 5 minutes, cause we are actually never free)

[its-c0mplicat3d-blog1]

Suicide

A woman who lived next to my house just killed herself. I didn’t even know her but I’m sad.

That woman took her own life. What was she going through that she made that decision?

I can’t stop thinking that while someone was dying I was only meters away, only separated by a wall. Someone was dying close to me while I was maybe complaining about my wifi. And now I can’t stop thinking about how many people are going through the same and I don’t even know. Maybe people close to me, friends, family, teachers or just people.

I’ve been through difficult times. I remember once I thought: “I feel so bad right now. I won’t kill myself, but I think there’s no point for living. I won’t commit suicide, but I think life has no sense”. Thank god I don’t feel like that anymore, because I wasn’t thinking about suicide but I was afraid I could get to that.

I have felt bad, but now I know it was nothing compared to what other people feel. I remember I felt there was no bigger pain than the one I was feeling, not physical, not emotional. Now I know there is a bigger pain, and it kills me to think about it because it was really painful for me.

Sometimes I see someone sad but I think “maybe they just had a bad day”, but what if it’s not a bad day? what if life has no sense for them anymore? what if they want to end their life? what can I do? should I ask any person I think is sad?

That woman committed suicide. I don’t judge her, I don’t care if she was brave or a coward. The only important thing right now is that a woman was feeling so bad that she thought the only way was death.

Knowing that I can’t control it makes me feel anxious.

[its-c0mplicat3d-blog1]

Passions

Yesterday I was talking to a friend. We see each other almost every day but we haven’t had time for an actual conversation. We were both really excited speaking about things we strongly belive in and fight for. Suddenly she started to speak about something that may seem nothing to other people, even me. Her eyes were full of tears and I realized how important it was for her. For a moment it was insignificant for me, but it was everything for her. It is her passion and it helped me understand a lot of things about her.

When we think about passions we imagine big things but we are so wrong, because it is subjective. What it is big for me it is small for you. It’s amazing when we connect with other people and what it’s huge for us it’s huge for them as well, but it doesn’t happen everyday.

From now and on I’ll try not to see other people’s passions as mediocre, or stupid, or small. If it’s important for them then it’s worth it.

[its-c0mplicat3d-blog1]

New house

I’ve been living in a new house for almost a year. My old house was ok but there was a vibe that made me feel weird. And I didn’t like that feeling. My new house is different, I can smell peace, but what I like the most about it is the view. In my new house I feel I can look up and see wonders. I look up and I see the sky, the clouds and it’s beautiful. I feel that I’m admiring a famous painting. But the best view is in the dark, I could stay all night watching the night sky, the stars and the moon. Oh god the moon! she looks prettier in my new house.

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Ignorance

A guy I know thinks that mocking the sexuality of a gay person is an excellent way to include them. A girl I know said she wouldn’t use the same bathroom as her gay “friend”. She also thinks that AIDS is only spread among lgbtq+ people. My teacher doesn’t know the difference between gender identity and sexual orientation. My mother uses the word faggot a lot and she thinks bisexuals don’t know what they want. My father says gays are promiscuous. My aunt believes that if your friend is gay you’re gay too. Just ignorance.