itsacomplicatedworld

[itsacomplicatedworld]

tumblr is for putting your stuff somewhere that's not secret but also not for anyone particular to see so it's true neutral in a really nice way

[itsacomplicatedworld]

اصبحت مثقله لا بالهموم بل بالأمال المحطمه ، رأيت اليوم سحباً سوداء لم يكن لها نهايه و لا بدايه حضرت لتملئ عالمي بالحزن و الضيق و شعرت لوهله ان قلبي يعتصر من الالم بداخل جسدي و حاولت الوقوف امامها و حاولت المواجهه و لكن لم تعلمني امي الشجاعه بل علمتني ان اكون لطيفة هادئه لا يشعر بوجودي احد و شئ اخر لم تعلمني اياه امي و هو السباحه فقد غرقت في سحبي السوداء حتي امتلئ داخلي بألم لا ينتهي و اصبحت الوهله ليله فقلبي اعتصر الليل كله ولم اجد من يمد لي يد العون و للحق انني لم ارد العون و كأنني اؤمن بأني استحق هذا الألم فلم يضيعني غيري ولم يؤذيني احدا مثلما اذيت نفسي و اصبحت السحب تملئ مرمي بصري حتي اعتقدت أن اضواء الغرفه مغلقه ولكنها لم تكن كذلك بل كان المغلق هو ابواب امالي .

كان الأنسان غريباً كيف كان سريعاً بنسيان وعوده المتكرره بالصبر و المعافره و كيف غرقت في هذه السحب وكيف سأساعد نفساً لا تريد سوا الغرق ؟

[itsacomplicatedworld]

اهلا عزيزي

أتهت مجددا ام مازلت تائها من المره الأخيره؟ هل تستطيع حتي ان تجزم بأنك تعلم عن يقينا إجابة مثل هذا السؤال الذي طرحته ؟

بالطبع لا كيف تعلم و انت مازلت تتعثر بأصغر الخطوات تري بصيص املاً فتعتقد انك وصلت لوجهتك فتچد انك مره اخري في الوجهه الخاطئه او في الوجهه ال��حيحه و لكن في الوقت الخاطئ.

لم اسطر لك سطوري حتي انتقدك بل لأنقذك من ذاتك ، من هويتك ، من امنياتك الدنيويه ومن شهواتك ولذاتك فأنت كنت ولازلت و ستظل مجرد انسان ضعيف يواجه نفسه و الحياة الدنيا كل يوم فكتبت لك حتي اذكرك ان فقدت الطريق انها فانيه و هاويه و مؤلمه و مؤرقه و لكنها في ذات الوقت جميله كأبتسامة طفل في وجهك بعد طول بكاء فأعطي نفسك بعض من الراحه النفسيه " كدا كدا مش هتوصل ".

[itsacomplicatedworld]

numbness

I haven't felt things in a while, I can't even name a time for how long I have been like that because when you lose your feelings it feels like losing all contact with time and space around you. it feels like you haven't slept in a week even though all you do is sleeping it feels like you are awake inside of a dream and you keep trying to wake up from it but weeks become months and nothing have changed, the pain in my bones and the headache that will never depart from my brain no matter the amount of painkillers I take. I don't remember the last time I have seen the sun, I sit with my mom everyday but I can't see her and I can't feel her or hear her even though we talk everyday but once the conversation is done I forget every single word we said and every meal we had tastes the exact same it doesn't matter if it's something sweet or salty because I won't taste it's sweetness or saltiness anyway, I eat a meal a day and feel like shit every time I see my reflection in a mirror so I stopped looking in mirrors. my mind is shutting down as if it was made of wires and plastic shit and I can't even complain because it doesn't feel bad at all but as days pass by and I can't feel them pass by I wish the pain would go as well.

maybe then I will fully enjoy my isolation and leave this world behind me.

[itsacomplicatedworld]

I wanted to set you and me free from the ugly serious of disappointments that I'm.

I will let you go so you can have the life you wanted and I will go back to my own comfort zone where I'm not an ugly person.

[itsacomplicatedworld]

Oh how I wish to hit my head to a strong wall.

Maybe then I will bleed out all the thoughts that have been killing me for days and nights.

Maybe then I will be set free from this prison of dark thoughts.

Maybe then my days will be filled with a little life and my nights will be full of peace.

But maybe is just a maybe.

What a big world of pain that we are living in and what a vanity of me to think that I can figure out such a world.

[itsacomplicatedworld]

أستيقظ صباحا وانا مليئة بالأمل الكاذب أمل يجعلني اضع ثيابي و اشق طريقي للمكان الذي اكرهه علي امل ان يوما ما سيحدث شيئا يحول كراهيتي الي راحه او طمئنينه وعندما امضي يومي المليئ بالأحداث السيئه و المهينه و امتنع عن الأكل ليس منعا و لكن قهرا فكل ما اشتهيه هو بعض السكينه و ليس افطارا و هذا ما لا تستطيع امي ان تفهمه و هو أنني اشتهي بعض السلام فا انا في الأسابيع الماضيه كان عقلي مثقول بالهموم حتي انني شعرت لوهله ان جسدي لن يستطيع حمل رأسي بعد الأن وأنني وحدي أواجه عالم رمادي اللون ليس لي مكانا فيه فا أن كان للبالغين في الحياه اختبار فقد فشلت فيه فشلا ذريعا بل أصابن�� الفشل من جذوري مثلما يصيب المرض النبته و أصبحت بلا مأوي ولا مسكن ولا هويه لست طفله و لست بالغه

وأنني ظننت انها مرحله و أنني يوما ما سأعرف الاستقرار و السكينه و لكن ف كل منعطف في طريقي أكتشف ان ما خفي من خيباتي كان أعظم فا أنا الغرور و التكبر و أنا الجهل و الكسل و أنا المثابره و الساعيه بكل جهد في طرق لا تؤدي سوي للفشل و كأن نفسي تحالفت لتكون ضدي 

قال لي اليوم أنني قاسيه علي ذاتي و لكني أشعر بأن ليس هناك اقسي من هذه الحياه التي لم أشعر يوما فيها بأني مرحبا بي حتي وسط العائله التي ولدت بها 

[itsacomplicatedworld]

Very Fragile for no reason at all.

Will this be my life? Will this is all what I'll ever be?

I can't ask for help because how will I ask someone else to live this life for me.

[itsacomplicatedworld]

my life was never the same after reading “the only trick of friendship, i think, is to find people who are better than you are. not smarter, not cooler, but kinder and more generous, and more forgiving and then appreciate them for what they can teach you and try to listen to them when they tell you something about yourself no matter how bad or good it might be, and to trust them, which is the hardest thing of all. but the best, as well”

[itsacomplicatedworld]

“What he knew, he knew from books, and books lied, they made things prettier.”

― Hanya Yanagihara, A Little Life

[itsacomplicatedworld]

I have become lost to the world.

[itsacomplicatedworld]

Wasn’t it kind of pathetic ? How you let your brain always fool you to thinking that you mean so much to some people when you in reality meant nothing at all ? where did all this narcissism came from ? 

you could never say the needed words in the ugly situations and turn them into a better situations you know too well you were too little of a help to the people you loved and even if you gave them your best that was not enough because your best was never even enough to begin with ... wasn’t it ironic how you thought you were someone and you turned out to be a completely different person ? a hater , a loser , a bad friend , a terrible daughter, a horrible sister , a boring personality , a very thin body , never an achiever but always a complainer .

[itsacomplicatedworld]

I changed homes, I changed cities, I changed friends and yet I'm left with this loneliness feeling that never ever goes away. I got myself stuck in a closed circle of the worst collection of feelings anyone my age could have and I end up with nothing but so many unanswered questions, questions that I'm so afraid to ask because I feel like I already know their answers but I can't bear myself to hear these answers from the people I loved the most. The people I gave them my heart, my mind and my everything.

[itsacomplicatedworld]

Fleabag (2016)

[itsacomplicatedworld]

“Your worst sin is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing.”

— Fyodor Dostoevsky, from “Crime and Punishment”, originally published c. 1866.

[itsacomplicatedworld]

it’s 3 am in the morning its a day in a week in a month that i seem to always forget always have no idea if it’s Sunday or Monday or any day i barely noticed that it’s January and it’s the year 2023.

i just got out of a terrible migraine it was so terrible that i thought i might get my  brain damaged by it and now after 24 hours of it I barely can stand and walk because everything feels so confusing i think this is due to 24 hours of nausea but anything is better than the feeling of a chainsaw cutting through one side of your head.

I also figured out that I can’t do anything good or anything useful and this is the main problem, few years ago I had to accept the fact that am not one of the people that could excel in life that i will never be the best at anything and then i accepted the fact that being second or third is not that bad and then i felt at peace, but now i found out this was no peace it was just a way to bury the truth and be blinded out by some temporary warm feelings but the truth is like an elephant in a living room setting there waiting for the fool to see it and know it and finally understand that I almost lose at everything not because am not a lucky person but just because I’m not good enough I was never good enough and this was my elephant this was my truth. a fact that i spent all my teenage years running from it but now I’m 23 and I fail at even the slightest and easiest things in life that everyone can do so I sit here doing the thing I do best. Self Hatred.

I failed as a daughter, sister, friend and student. my love life is non existent, my hobbies are useless, my future is unknown and I’m filled with hatred and self loathing that my mom and my friends will never understand where did all of this came from.

[itsacomplicatedworld]

I'm so scared to fuck up that i fuck up almost everything in my life.