itsthevalleyduhhh

[itsthevalleyduhhh]

He mailed back our kitchen stuff and it made me want to die. The life we were building. The wife I wanted to be. All the widgets and doodads that make you feel like you’re progressing. The expensive knife you used to prep dinner every night. The containers still filled with spices I bought to make holiday dinners. Four years have passed but the memories okay in my mind as if it was yesterday.

[itsthevalleyduhhh]

I’m just

Constantly left with the “kid, you’re on your own” shot.

[itsthevalleyduhhh]

You live a very predictable and sanitary life, yet somehow I still can’t predict what you’re gonna be doing. I don’t know if you realize, but that it makes it so difficult for me to want to and sustain the desire to include you in various aspects of my life.

Mostly, I don’t wanna check to see if your schedule is amenable to whatever the fuck I have going on.

[itsthevalleyduhhh]

Does this even…

Work if I travel for work and you can’t.

[itsthevalleyduhhh]

You said we can’t be friends.

I always thought you would understand me. At least I always thought you would try.

[itsthevalleyduhhh]

At 13 my whole personality was Mean Girls and Sailor Moon

happy october 3rd!✨💖💋💄 #MeanGirls

[itsthevalleyduhhh]

I went out on a walk, and ended up helping an old lady with a broken arm bring her trash cans in. I still feel very nihilistic.

[itsthevalleyduhhh]

God, I miss you. I miss your sense of humor and your pragmatism. I miss touching you. I miss your intellect.

I miss being held in your arms.

[itsthevalleyduhhh]

When I start a grad school day was 28 years old and I was reading a shit ton of self helpbooks. Also at that time I was ““ happily married to my partner of Thanos how many years and truly supposedly fun it was just comfortable. And in that comfort I knew that something was wrong and I needed to fix everything. Which mostly just meant that I was gonna fix myself.

[itsthevalleyduhhh]

I’m in a particularly strange place in my life where I am distinctly too old for the 27 club but maybe if I was a better person God would’ve let me join the 33 club. Fantasy deaths aside, I’m still just a 32-year-old living in my sister’s spare bedroom while I figure out when it might be appropriate to start the conversation about filing for divorce with my ex who I haven’t seen since October (it’s July).

[itsthevalleyduhhh]

She’s at some charity thing and sent me a picture with her and her new sister n law. This woman is tone-deaf.

[itsthevalleyduhhh]

Remember all the shitty things they (E and A)said to me about Jerry right when the whole V shit happened and it left me gutted?

Why did I think it would be a good idea to move in with them for this long?

[itsthevalleyduhhh]

Today he told me he is going to make a film. He’s always making them. I just thought “damn, it better not be about how this marriage fell apart.” When he sent me a picture of the sticky notes on the wall he’d outlined the story with, I realized that the failed marriage movies were for his first wife. This one was all about his childhood abandonment issues.

[itsthevalleyduhhh]

Four months ago I told a friend that I couldn’t believe that I was ever in a relationship with someone who was almost 30 years older than me. That relationship lasted 11 years.

[itsthevalleyduhhh]

His birthday just passed, he’s a cancer.

[itsthevalleyduhhh]

Sometimes I forget that he was 46 and I was 19 on our first date, even thought we worked it into conversations constantly.