itwas217amwhenyoutoldme

[itwas217amwhenyoutoldme]

Julian signed his letters to Paul with "I miss you to pieces. Yours always" and "as always, your faithful servant" and Paul still had the nerve to believe he wasn't loved

[itwas217amwhenyoutoldme]

— June Gehringer, ‘I get so jealous of euthanized dogs’ (via lunamonchtuna)

[itwas217amwhenyoutoldme]

me when reading datvd

(and by parallels, i mean within the book itself, across pages and passages, and also within me and the recollection of my own "toxic and identity-consuming romantic friendship" that ended years ago)

[itwas217amwhenyoutoldme]

IT IS HERE!!! THE PHYSICAL COPY IS FINALLY HERE!!!

[itwas217amwhenyoutoldme]

I’ll be the killer and a thriller and the cause of our death?

[itwas217amwhenyoutoldme]

Okay, what i want to talk about is this. paul's great-grandmother, when looking at her younger-self in the painting, says she's the only one who remembers herself that way. despite this, she still expects to see herself this same way: young, no matter how old (she is herself then and now)

PAUL, on the other hand, when looking at the photo of julian and him, can't even remember being that young. julian tells him with the envelope and its contents what they both already know: that that he is not the same and that he is "not pablo, not anymore" (not to him or in general)

Everything that has transpired, everything paul and julian have done to eachother, to themselves, all the destruction and monstrousness has made them into what they are now. (rip "nothing made you. you just are")

even though paul is closer in age to his pablo-self than his great-grandmother was to her adolescence, paul is the one who has a larger distance (an entire disconnect!) between himself then and now.

Also sidebar: "it was the cruelest thing he could have given her." Paul thinks this about his gift for his great-grandmother. And even though in that last chapter, paul doesn't explicitly think this about Julian's envelope for him, the parallel is too close to not apply here as well

(though imo paul did the cruelest thing first (when he reached steadily for Julian's hand at the ravine))

hey, hey, hey– let's do talk about how these sections of part i chapter 1 and part iv chapter 15 —aka: the first and final chapters of the book, aka-aka: the pre pauljulian and the post pauljulian— work together to make me SICK!

[itwas217amwhenyoutoldme]

"It was your fucking delusion that if you just made yourself strong and cold and heartless and everything you aren't -- if you could just make yourself 'better', if you could destroy every part of you that's worth loving, then you wouldn't ever have to be afraid again."

BRB while I sob hysterically. What a fucking callout

[itwas217amwhenyoutoldme]

the thing about these violent delights is that they really do have violent ends!!!!!!!!!!

[itwas217amwhenyoutoldme]

these violent delights, part 1 chapter 12.

thats it, thats the post

[itwas217amwhenyoutoldme]

hey, hey, hey– let's do talk about how these sections of part i chapter 1 and part iv chapter 15 —aka: the first and final chapters of the book, aka-aka: the pre pauljulian and the post pauljulian— work together to make me SICK!

[itwas217amwhenyoutoldme]

QUIZ!!!!!! Which type of artist-coded, author-girl are you? 

[itwas217amwhenyoutoldme]

Charls Schulz

One Night from A Guide To Recognizing Your Saints, Dito Montiel

[itwas217amwhenyoutoldme]

Mary Oliver, from “Three Poems for James Wright”, Devotions

[itwas217amwhenyoutoldme]

Carol Rifka Brunt, Tell the Wolves I’m Home

[itwas217amwhenyoutoldme]

they don't hate you, (probably).

killdads/elle emerson/alisonzai/ask polly/killdads