itzhoyte

[itzhoyte]

Stop making love seem like a downfall.

[itzhoyte]

Once you love yourself in solitude, you’re able to truly appreciate the presence of another

[itzhoyte]

gg !

[itzhoyte]

[itzhoyte]

8 Reasons You Might Be Self-Sabotaging Romantic or Work Relationships

Self sabotaging can be really tough, because sometimes you don’t even realize you’re doing it. But the first step to overcoming self sabotaging and going forward again is figuring out why you’re doing it.

1. Fear you won’t be able to balance your relationship with other things in your life.

Think about work, study, friends, family, and your own hobbies. There are a lot of things in life fighting for your time. Self sabotaging might also be a result of a fear you won’t be able to be […read more…]

[itzhoyte]

[itzhoyte]

[itzhoyte]

Lovatnet by Lauri Lohi

[itzhoyte]

Ψ ♥ For more interesting psychology posts like this, follow @mypsychology ♥ Ψ  

[itzhoyte]

Never been the one to have hoes but I tried that life....I tried being emotionally dead...I tried being bitter....I tried to be a “nigga” and it hurt the people I cared about....that’s dead now

[itzhoyte]

How do you inspire someone who loves to love but has been hurt by it time and time again because of their own fear of pain?

[itzhoyte]

-Above-

I had no name and no age. I hadn’t been sent to receive those yet. I would be eventually but as to when I had no idea. My existence merely consisted of me smiling and enjoying with others what we had to it’s fullest potential. Everyone knew me to be genuine but as fast as I appeared I was gone. Father loved this about me. Well I called him father but others called her mother. Either way we all knew him or her to be Love.  Regardless of where I was or what I was doing I knew when and where father had summoned me to. It was a simple thought and I was there, I mean sometimes I’d walk if I wanted or glide through the stars to enjoy the view but it truly depended on how urgent the call was.  Not like anything bad ever happened here just the sense of urgency came along with an opportunity to learn an important lesson. I loved these lessons so most of the time I was always there. In these lessons there was always something new to learn and a chance to assist.

All of us would join father in watching these lessons and wait to see what it was we could learn. Father always knew the lessons before they started but that never stopped him from sitting through it with us. See these lessons were the real life situations of those living on earth.  The lessons were so interesting because no matter how many times we thought we could predict the end result we were never right! Father always assisted those on earth in some shape or form during these lessons. It’s not as if we watched them for pure entertainment, we truly did it to learn. You see, we all are whole and those on earth were the part of us that chose to go down and live a life of their own assisting others.  We above learned by watching those below who learned through their own physical experiences. I guess the simplest thing to call those of us above was an “unborn” and those below a “Born”. Though we were above and they were below this didn’t make us any better than them because without them we’d have no purpose of existing. It was cycle and our purpose was each other. The cycle of selflessness whether any of us were conscious of it or not. Seems like a pretty simple purpose right? It is but also it isn’t. See once we make the choice to go down and assist our kin we are only allowed to keep one trait from our unborn existence, as for everything else, it gets wiped clean unless we stay in tune with our purpose. That wipe is where the chaos kicks in. Some of those that go down tend to forget their purpose and fall out of tune with their selves, or get distracted by the selfishness implemented in systems by those who are truly already gone. When we go down to assist we are helping those that are out of tune and once we are done we are called back up to rest. If we choose to we can go back down again.  The best part about going down to assist is that you can go down in any shape or form. Whether it be an animal to assist born child, a born child to assist a born adult or even a tree to assist generations of families, the decision is yours.

I had already been down quite a few times. I had my share in helping and being distracted. I understand why it was so easy for some of the born to become fully gone. The emotions that run through your head while you are on earth can take a turn for the worst and drift you so far from who you are.  Simple experiences that are meant to be temporary moments of happiness can become addictions. Health becomes a factor because the body needs resources to run but some resources are tampered with for the purpose of materialistic desires. Jealousy has lead to the result of some born being sent back before they were able to fully achieve their purpose.It is honestly a chaotic place but…..our purpose is each other and that is why we choose to assist. We had all been called for a lesson, and I was excited. I got to the summons altar and instantly felt father’s love before I even saw him. I chose to float and watch this lesson instead of sitting down just so I could see a better physical view.  

The view opened up and the lesson began. It was complete darkness but you could hear crying….it’s not the first time I’d heard crying but this time I felt a deep pain. The cries weren’t for selfish desires or happiness. It was the sound of sorrow and hopelessness. The view brightened and it was a girl on the floor…her eyes were swollen shut as tears came down her face. She bruises on her body…pills in her hand…and she was looking herself in the mirror screaming “Why!?”…She was alone…not only in the house but in the world. She had no idea of her purpose let alone her true potential. She was in pain…mentally and spiritually. I had only seen this girl for a total of 2 earth minutes but I felt like Id known her long before this. Everything in my existence was full of sorrow as I saw this child suffer….and then…she took the pills…She sat down to the floor and continued to cry. She looked up at the ceiling  but it was as if she was looking up to us for help…but then her heartbeat began to slow down, I could see it! I looked at father to see if he would assist her but he just looked at me and pointed back to her. She was lifeless and I was so sure that it was all over for her. I feared that she had so much anger and bitterness in her existence that she wouldn’t be able to return above with us. Was her body just going to lay there on that floor? Was father going to allow this? Would she be stuck in between?.....I looked at father and shouted “Please assist her! PLEASE!”…and father smiled at me. All the others above looked at me, and then father to see what he would say or do but he pointed back down at the girl.  Then suddenly her family member came home and walked straight to the room where the girl lay on the floor lifeless. She was rushed to a hospital and they extracted the chemicals from her body.  It took hours before the girl came to. I felt joy that she had another chance to see what all life on her had for her but then she began to cry and scream again….Her cries were more full of pain now than they ever were before…all she could say to the nurse by her side was “Why did you bring me back?!? Why didn’t you just let me go!” She didn’t want to live anymore….she didn’t. She had been through so much that she wanted to escape it all…but I saw her potential, and so did father. 

I looked at father and fell to my knees crying “Please let me go down and assist her! She feels that she is alone and has no purpose on earth! Please let me help her father please!”. It was silent in the summons area, I was the only unborn at fathers feet with streams of pain running down my eyes….I looked up him and once more he smiled at me, reached down and gave me the warmest embrace I’d felt since I last returned above and then I felt father say “Go”. I took no second thought before I prepped for my departure. Father had reached down in the girl’s life and readied everything for my arrival.  I said my goodbyes to all my kin in above, and jumped down. As I descended I began to lose memory of what all was in above and what all I had done in my prior lives, but I held onto my compassion and I refused to forget my purpose. I went full speed to my arrival point where I waited 9 months. Everyday of those 9 months I projected love and father protected us. This girl, no…..this woman deserved peace. She would not be alone anymore, she would not feel hopeless, she would know her purpose, and she would love herself. Those that were lost would no longer target this born, she would no longer be the victim of other’s torment or selfishness. She would not be alone because I would be by her side and I would call her “Mom”.

[itzhoyte]

H-3

I get home and im just zoned out, I can’t think straight let alone breathe the proper way. I felt like I just used H when I know in my soul that’s not what it was for me. I wanted to talk to H but I couldn’t get the image of her face screaming at me to “get out” from my mind. To top it off I had extreme blue balls to the point where I was catching cramps in my stomach.😩 (It was at this moment I developed so much more respect for women because of their period cramps). I didn’t even know how to act the next time I saw her….did she hate me? Did I come off as all I wanted was to use her? Where did I go wrong?.... I  just decided to go shower and go to bed. I saw H the next day in class and I didn’t know how to even approach her, I was afraid to look at her but I did and when I saw her my ❤️dropped because she looked sad. Now yes I was 18 and yeah everyone has their own way of understanding people but I’m a very energy sensitive guy. I kicked my subconscious’ ass enough to get the courage to walk up to her and say “hi” but as I got close to her I felt like I stepped into a freaking cooler created by Subzero from mortal combat and reinforced by Mr. Freeze from batman. No dramatic exaggeration at all…..

She didn’t speak or even acknowledged that I existed when she turned around. She just walked past me and and looked straight through me. Yooo……I….was….dead.💀💀💀💀💀 Someone please come clean up this dead body in is cheap ass school’s hallways… and also call my xbox live halo clan and tell them it was an honor to go to war with them every night and t-bag racist 7 year olds who thought the phrase “You’re just a stupid Nigger” was cool to say.😒

The day went by and I skipped lunch, I even skipped my geography class and went to the nurses office just to escape it all. (The nurse was my homey and gave me passes just to come sit and kick it with her 😏).

School was over and I purposely waited until everyone cleared out the halls to go to my locker just so I wouldn’t see her and feel like a worthless jackass again…..but because it’s my life I go up the steps and see her at her locker…WTF?!? It was 3:20…. Class got out at 3:05…go home woman! 😡😡😡

I said fuck it and went over to her…Now in my mind I had the interaction going down like “Yo wtf is your problem with me? What did I do to you? That’s pretty fucked up to just spazz on me like that and then kick me out when you’re the one that initiated everything!” but did it go down like that? Hell nah lol😓. When I opened up my mouth and she made eye contact with me all I could say was “hi”……🙄fml…but but but I redeemed myself! She asked me “What do you want Justin?” with the coldest cut of the tongue and that’s when I snapped with my 18 year old still touching puberty voice cracking. I said everything I wanted to say from jump and all she could say was “leave me alone”. That’s when I came back harder with a “What did I do wrong? I really do like you!” She looked at me and as her eyes got glossy and she just said “it’s not you” and she left. Now I was pissed.  Not pissed like you stepped on my sneakers pissed but pissed like why’d you eat my food out the fridge and you knew I was looking forward to eating that all day pissed. I followed her downstairs asking “so what is it?” and then I saw her mother giving me the death stare from the bottom of the steps…..ay…I took my ass right back up the steps to my locker and shut down. I didn’t know what I did that was wrong or how I may have reinforced what someone else did but I wasn’t going to let shit go down without a fight. Hell we already had sex, now you have to be mine H…right?

The next few days were awkward and I was going numb, I caught feelings for this H way faster than I thought was possible. I think the whole sex thing worked backwards because isn’t it supposed to be the girl that gets attached first? Regardless there wasn’t a day I didn’t look at my phone at home or in class. I was in bible class checking my phone faithfully…and one night H texted me…my heart freaking jumped out my chest and did the jerk harder than the New boyz themselves. It was a “Heyy” 😏 I instantly lost all anger I had towards her but I also think it’s because I missed talking to her. She asked me to come over but why would I want to? The last time I came over H made me feel like I was a piece of shit…..fuck no I’m not going back over there😤……………………………😤nope…………………😤nada………………😤not happening…………………………………😤no way………hmmm🤔………………………………………I’m omw🙃………………………………………………………..I went back over 😅. I get there and it’s the same setting, parents aren’t home, her twin brothers greeting me with an open door and hug though so that threw me off but I get up stairs to her room and there she is…just looking so beautiful...I couldn’t even stay mad at her…I just wanted to hug her. ( I didn’t really know how to kiss yet back then like I do now but if I did I would’ve gone for that too 😏)

Before I could even express how life has sucked not knowing what she thought of me, she said “Im sorry”…. “I’m sorry I did that to you, I thought that for me to keep you around I had to have sex with you but in the middle of it all happening so fast I just couldn’t handle what was going through my mind.”……Now everyone who knows me knows that a genuine heart felt “sorry” to me will drop all issues and we are friends again, I’m just that sappy and gushy 🙇🏾

I couldn’t say anything to her at all, so I just hugged her, and in the most sapass way I told H “my focus wasn’t sex, I really just wanted you”…and then….she started crying….so now I’m all confused…but before I can even try to make things better she spazzes on me again! This time it’s not rude or bad but it’s in a soft and confused way though. She backs away from me and ask’s ”What’s wrong with you? Isn’t that what all men want is sex? Why don’t you care about it?”

WOAH….Okay….Wait hollup...now now my dear H I didn’t say I don’t care about sex…I just said it wasn’t my main focus to just sleep with ya…..I don’t mind the lil nasty nasty errrrrry now n den 😏 But back to reality, everything about her says confused and she’s just sitting on the floor with her knees to her chest and swollen puffy red eyes staring at me……so I ask her “Is it bad I’m not like that?” and all H can say is “you’re weird but I really like you”(NOWO!!!).… my heart just about melted at this point all I could say is ”I really like you too” but I choked in my words smh.

We hung out and for about an hour just cracking jokes on people at our bummy private school and some of the wildest cartoons like flapjack and looney tunes. But we were cuddled up the whole time. I even fell asleep and took my notorious 15 minute power nap. When I woke up she was nuzzled deep into my chest and I just looked at her and smiled. She lifted up her head about five minutes in to me looking out her windows at the sky and then I looked back down at her…..and I kissed her😱 …..Yeah I kissed H for the first time and no one could’ve ruined that moment….I had butterflies, moths, birds, geese, eagles, and all the other species that fly lol. I held her and just thought about how it all was worth it, how everything that happened since I first saw her was worth it….but then I rememberd the first time we had sex and I got curious as to what made her spazz on me in mid sex and she started crying again😓…..dear lord tears really hurt my soul…but she told me….Her ex raped her and took her virginity……Fuck you bruh.

[itzhoyte]

I felt excitement and desire to talk to you. I'll increase the distance.

[itzhoyte]

H-2

So becoming friends on Facebook may have been a punk move but it was all I figured I could do to get to know her a little more. I was afraid that asking her for her number would've came off too strong and chased her away. See my thing was I really didn't want to mess this up. I didn't know anything more of her than her physical looks and the way she spoke but it all captured my interest and in my head gave me the verification that this girl was worth the effort. 

Everyday after school I was drifting home, to sign onto Facebook and appear online incase H wanted to message me. Forget the fellas signing onto Xbox live, my goal was to get that “Heyy” (Yes with the two Y’s”)😌 A brother was even doing homework early on the laptop just to make sure he’d see the notification of a new message. One day in class I purposely didn't write down the homework for english class just so I could message H asking for it on Facebook and start a conversation. Mission was accomplished 😬👍🏾

After only a day of texting she hits me with “Do you want to come over? My parents won't be home till late”(SHOCKED FACE)......so now i’m trying to figure out  if this girl trusts me or wants to murder me because it’s been so soon and I didn't feel like I was worthy honestly. 

+SUB STORY TIME+

(See when I was in the 5th grade my mother gave me this whole spill after her boyfriend at the time did her filthy. She called me into her room and said “Promise me that you’ll never make a woman cry, Promise me you’ll treat a woman with respect and make sure she's never sitting here in pain like me”. Im like 12/13 coming home from middle school, zipped my Mr. man in my pants like 2 days prior to this, trying to process the nickname “beady bead”, thinking if Goku is finally not gonna die on tonights episode of DBZ and she hits me with this deep mess🙃. I promised her though, and I meant it.  I’m a hardcore mommas boy so that promise went deep into my core. )

-END-

Flash forward-----> I said sure and hopped in the shower and basically bleached my life, only to get out and bathe in P diddy’s untouched cologne (atleast I think that’s what the name was). Turns out she lived in one of the nicest parts of town where they had a buffalo wild wings🍗 planet smoothie, and grand movie theatre. ( this is all relevant later trust me👌🏾 😉). I pull up to this huge two story house with a balcony in the front like it was built for juliet to come walking out and stare at the clouds. I get to the front door and my heart is beating so hard that my body is basically krumping with every single beat as I reach to ring the doorbell. Before I could even touch it her twin brothers open the door and now I’m sweating bullets...mind you they're only like 10. One looks at me and says “Hey Justin” while the other says “She's upstairs, do you want a popsicle?”.....(I took that popsicle😅)

Im walking up the stairs and just studying the house so I know all of my exits incase her parents come home and I have to make my grand escape. I get to her room and see her sitting on the bed….Beautiful as ever, eyes so hazel, and smile so gorgeous I couldn’t help but smile back. We’re talking but I’m so caught up in her eyes that I’m just saying “yeah, oh wow” to everything she says. In the midst of everything she says “you’re cute you know?” and I cant help but feel like she meant cute in a small feeble teddy bear way but before I could react she asks If.... I..... want....... to...have sex………………………………………………………………………………………………Que?...........Yo what!?! Im in highschool…just hit 18…Hormones are raging!!!!!!😈…..she’s a whole new breed of beautiful......Lightskin....curly hair......hazel eyes........and a voice that I swear could calm a storm🌪⛈🙅🏽🌞….and she has there nerve to ask me if I want to have sex?!?....HAHA!!!! Girl is water wet? Do birds chirp and bee’s sting? Yeah they do and I was all game….but then my conscious kicked in…and I asked her if she wanted to just to be sure….She said yes but I still felt like I was doing it all wrong...But this is what she wanted so it was all fine right?🤔....I started the awkward motion of putting a condom on while trembling at the same time. I had to impress this girl and the pressure was on. I didn’t know if she was a pro and testing me out to see if I was a “worthy mate” 😜. We started and 3 minutes in…….She says to stop and pushes me off. Now I’m stressing in my head like “damn I was wack, I’m horrible, she regrets, pornhub is a fraud with lessons”  but I look at her and she’s just sad….I’m so lost because one minute I’m embracing 18 year old heaven and the next I’m feeling bad….I could only ask her if she was Okay and all she could say is “ Can you leave? You got what you came for.”……..My heart fucking sank💔….I mean yeah it was a thought that crossed my mind but I wanted so much more than that from H…. All I could say was “That’s a lie, I actually like you”  but her cold response was “Whatever just leave”…..at that point all I could say was “I’m sorry, I guess text me or call me if you need anything” and I left...

[itzhoyte]

H-1

I was in the 12th grade and new to the 18+ club, just sleeping in history class as my teacher spoke about politics and everything wrong Obama was doing for our country in 2010. My energy is limited so I don’t give it to senseless acts and my teacher’s words were beyond senseless, so I decided to recover for something else worth my time. I was sleeping peacefully but something woke me up, im not sure what it was but I know I sat up rubbing my eyes and turned to the hallway…that’s when I saw H. She was receiving a tour of our school that looked like nothing more than a blue and white flea market behind a church but she caught my eye. I was trying not to stare let alone make eye contact but I couldn’t turn away, I was truly sprung after one look at her, but then she looked back and smiled. We made eye contact and I knew I wanted her but I didn’t believe she was going to come to our school. It was like as soon as my heart shot up, I received a reminder of reality and shot back down. I felt sad because I wanted her but didn’t even know her.  It was whatever though, it was high school and I was young, of course I’d meet many beautiful females in college right?

A week later I was in English class reading Macbeth and trying to figure out what new armor I could equip to my character in halo 3 so I could look the absolute coolest amongst my halo clan. During my nerd time, the door opens up and I see this 5’4, light skin, hazel eyes, curly haired girl walk in and sat right next to me. It was H. She had no respect for me whatsoever to just walk up in my life and fuck up my whole world.  I was fine day dreaming about dominating on halo and acting like I was interested in class, but then she showed up and suddenly I cared about every way I looked.

See before I used to wear some $40 all black jordans or even rock flip flops with socks just to piss my classmates off and show them I didn’t and never would give a damn of what they thought. This day though I cared about what she thought. I tried to hide my feet because I looked like a naruto character with my flip flops, and my fro was a mess from me sleeping in biology.  I began to worry that I wouldn’t sound manly enough for her when it was my turn to read, or maybe that my finger nails were too long, or that my hands were too ashy after I washed them in the bathroom, or that my breath stunk, or worse…. I wasn’t “Black enough” to even get the time of the day….For some reason I was adjusting my whole life for her, and I didn’t even know who who she was.

As the days went by I slowly started changing things about me just to get her attention, even though I only had 2 classes with her. I would say “hi” or joke about the homework to get some type of social contact between us and it would work, but I was just so damn shy. I beat myself up every day thinking of what I could’ve said or done to talk to her. After school one day I ran into her in the gym and built up the courage (by insulting myself with all sort of rude and disrespectful names my mother would approve of) and asked her if she would come to the homecoming game that night. I got an “I’ll see”………………..wait  wait wait….I nearly died asking her to come and all I got is an “I’ll see” I don’t even remember what awkward way I said bye after that response I just know that I walked to my car punching myself in the face. During our somewhat “homecoming” I was in the bleachers with my friends when she walked in with her parents. I was half ecstatic and half disappointed because I couldn’t get to sit with her. Two of my friends were with me and one was calling dibs on her…..yo…I could’ve breathed fire from hell on this man the way I felt but I politely(Lies) told him to back down since he went to a different school where they had more chocolate women of choice 😈.

This is where it picks up!

It was one day at lunch, I was wearing shades and my black and white mickey mouse top hat that I got from Disney in the 8th grade. She came inside and sat down next to me…..now slight pause….deep breathe…..look around the room…. And see the world spin like that Mr. Crabs meme that’s all over social media….This was me at that exact moment and I’ll tell you in detail why.

See she was in one grade lower than me which means she ate in a whole separate lunch room…me and my guys ate in a corner in the senior lunch room but it was a table that could fit 10 people. We just sat in the corner because we were the only 4 semi relevant African Americans in our whole private school. Now at this table I sat on the side but on this day I decided to sit on the opposite end ( I don’t remember why but I’m sure it was to mess with my best friend Evan and his ego of sitting at the end). H Came in and sat next to me….on the opposite side of my friends….but by me alone…😀

I’m sweating at this point and can barely see straight and my boys know it that’s why they joked me on the other end the whole time. Right before I built up enough courage to say something to her other than “UHHHHHH” She reaches for my face and takes off my shades then says “I’d prefer to see your eyes, they’re nice and you shouldn’t hide them”…..YO!!!!! 💀 someone bring the coffin and please be gentle with my body, just write “blakblaze14 was the illest player in halo of our time” on top, and for my tombstone write “Died when soul left body”. I was speechless and not even sure how to respond because I didn’t know how to flirt! All I could say was “hey give me back my glasses” instead of something cool and sexy like “Yeah, well I like you shawty” ( in a plies voice). Lets not forget that this all happened in a unch room no bigger than a walmart restroom so EVERYONE in my 12th grade class saw my response. Needless to say that the guys had jokes for me the next few days. From there my life changed for the better, because I had validation that she was interested in me, and I know this because we became friends on Facebook.😬

[itzhoyte]

I have the desire to love again, but I have no faith in others.