ivy-est

[ivy-est]

Not feeling good enough is honestly the worst feeling ever

[ivy-est]

hello tumblr, here i am again

[ivy-est]

will my season come?

in which my flowers bloom delicately

[ivy-est]

i realized that..

whatever i do, every effort i put, that seems good to me and enough for me, it will never be enough for anyone.

and it hurts.

it's painful.

because i can see myself starting to fade away little by little. Starting to lose myself 😔

[ivy-est]

please know,

i used to be happy with you.

you used to be my happiness everytime i wake up in the morning and before going to bed

i was happy

you were my happiness for awhile

it hurts to say goodbye

but its okay

its gonna be fine

now you can fly high

like a butterfly

now i let you go..

[ivy-est]

dear kevin,

i found you,

now it's time to forget about you

[ivy-est]

it's okay that you didn't achieve anything today,

be grateful that you survived today

cheer to tomorrow!

let us all survive another day!

[ivy-est]

sometimes it's okay to take a deep breath and cry.

it's okay that it's painful.

let the pain be felt.

then, let it go..

[ivy-est]

i guess it made sense that amidst this tremendous world, each person look like the smallest.

[ivy-est]

"who am I?"

"what do I want?"

"what makes me happy?"

"what is my purpose?"

"am I happy?"

"when's the last time i felt happy?"

"have i ever felt happy?"

"have i ever for once felt relieved?"

those questions still haunt me until today. questions that i never know the answer, and never know when will i have the answers.

i feel is like I am strangled by a strong rope, unable to escape, slowly suffocating, running out of oxygen and leaving no traces for someone to find my whereabouts.

i am hopeless, unhappy, unrelieved of myself

i feel like my soul, thoughts, just everything inside of me, are starting to fade away which evetually leads me numb.

i am tired, i thought there are more in life, there are more within me.

where is that something i had hold on to when i was a little child?

something that made me me alive, something that made me still hold on to myself, something that made me breathe?

i just want to be happy, i want to breathe again but now..

i felt like i lost my inner child and now i have nothing

i have nothing

to hold on about myself

nothing to help me from suffocating

just nothing

2/3/2021

[ivy-est]

saat taufan melanda, aku aman, bersama mu

[ivy-est]

i think feeling numb is the scariest in this world. Numb can make you heartless and empty until you realize you don't have anything else in you to hold on, to feel, to make you feel alive again

[ivy-est]

i wonder who's the realest, me or my shadow

[ivy-est]

i should really manage my time on when to focus on my studies and when to write in tumblr :(

alright, reality awaits, goodbye for now tumblr

[ivy-est]

He keeps the ninety-nine to search for the lost one

[ivy-est]

And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water,

that bringeth forth his fruit in his season;

his leaf also shall not wither;

and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.

Psalms 1:3

[ivy-est]

don't find someone who will change you,

find someone who willingly be there through your storm