iwannbehayley

[iwannbehayley]

I often fixate on drawing connections from moments/things that are entirely unattached from each other.

The backyard's grass speckled in morning dew akin to my usual Iced Oatmilk Latte. Both greeted me this morning on my way to my opening shift at my little job.

It is now the end of the day and I am drunk. The feeling is comparable to the state of my tired body at the start of the day when I first photographed this pair of images.

[iwannbehayley]

Purchased these nectarines at Trader Joe's today.

I must share that nectarines are very dear fruit to me. My mother had told me that while she was pregnant with me, her consistent pregnancy craving was nectarines. She said that eating them brings her back to those times. I'd like to imagine that women's pregnancy cravings are also shared with the child in the womb. Maybe I could've been the one to tug at the umbilical cord for more of these suckers. Growing up I always found this fruit exceptionally delicious so when my mom had told me the lore we have with them, I never looked at them the same. Now instead of it being a cool fruit, I now share an emotional attachment to them. I wasn't intentionally seeking them today but Trader Joe's produce section is great because they only cycle some items in the store if they're in season (when they taste best). When I see nectarines in the store I know they're guaranteed to be perfect, and it's typically an immediate purchase for me. But I was charmed to find that the bag they were packaged in said "Coachella Valley". Quick flashbacks to Coachella last month tickled me for just a moment, and I laughed at the amount of satisfaction this funny little bag of nectarines have brought me. Oh I also wanted to post my breakfast because why not. It was chorizo egg burritos and kiwis.

Go buy a bag of nectarines.

[iwannbehayley]

\\Ottolinger shoe wraps I just saw on Ssense\\

I have been high since 2:30ish today. My boyfriend and I have wordlessly agreed that it's silent computer day today. We had South Park on the tv for about a good half of the day, so we could have shared media while we sit away from each other. Parallel play is chill when I have something to do. That something was scrolling through online consignment stores and sitting in slack-jawed in awe for hours while I adore these digital images of beautiful little pieces. I recently discovered I'm a fan of Yohji Kamamoto- the runway stuff, I don't care for his designs for Adidas for Y-3. While scrolling through the socks tab on Ssense- as I don't normally do, I ended up running into this little number that I've pictured above. I'm sitting here doing everything I can to not justify spending $175 on it. Accessories for shoes is a hard thing to come by. I just have to pray that whoever purchases these treasures them and maybe I'll get the opportunity to find these things in the wild.

So I'll just post them here to make it feel like I own them now.

[iwannbehayley]

I'm okay with being cringe. I am a little cringe. For some time I've felt like an online public expression was demeaning and vain. To separate myself from the hypocrisy of appearing to be artful and insightful online while being mediocre in my own life I strayed away from writing anywhere that wasn't a private notebook or a page on my notes app. I installed a fear of posting any thoughts online fearing it would seem contrived or attention deprived. But I am 22 years old and I am exhausted from my lack of creative outlets. Life is falling dull. Everyday is now a hellish cycle of chores and doomscrolling. There is nothing I could show for myself (creatively) and it bothers me. Not only do I feel like a bum, but truthfully what upsets me most is that I know I'm withholding myself from how creative I really am.

Years ago I would find myself writing so often. Everything I wrote was so raw and full of passion. These entries were snapshots of my psyche over ongoing periods of time, and I was able to observe how my attitude and thought gradually evolved over the years. Moments of thought and spurts of epiphanies being forgotten and lost amidst the blur of time. It all moves so fast now in adulthood, so many of my emotions are quickly shoved aside in order to keep my mind stable and clear of self-inflicted misery so that this world doesn't consume me. But I have never viewed myself as weak for submitting to my emotions through creative writing. So I'm tearing down this mental block I've fabricated against "embarrassing myself" from posting a thought or two. I honestly chose Tumblr as my outlet due to sheer nostalgia and the neatly documented permanence of posts.

I must confess that my confidence has been influenced by good friends who actively work on projects, zines, or other various online content. I love to see my friends create art. I bring them nothing but praise because I adore everything and all that they bring to this world. My thanks to them are always returned with a strong welcome for me to create too. I may also give my thanks to my loving boyfriend, for pushing me into dedicating more time to working on myself and some sort of craft. I am utterly blessed to have a circle of kind people in my life who warmly wish for me to apply myself in all factors of my life.

This is MySpace and I'll just be doing whatever I want here :)