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Monday: Coming Home

September 13, 2021. Monday. First day of the week. Took a nap before dinner. I was feeling really sick. Felt nauseous and had a headache. I woke up to someone knocking on the door. it’s him. He’s home. He called around 6PM to say he was coming home and that I should heat up dinner. He’s pissed. At me? I don’t really know. “You didn’t tell me you were already sleeping.” I check the time and it’s now 9PM. I mean, is it my fault I needed rest and that he got home late? “I’m sorry. I only meant to take a nap. Had a headache. Shall I prepare food for you?” At this point, I pretty much still feel like shit. Still nauseous and the headache hasn’t gone away. “It’s already late. I really thought I could come early tonight. I wanted to come home early. Now I’m tired.” I stay quiet because I don’t know if that was directed at me and if I was being blamed for whatever the reason was as to why he came home late. He says it again, “I’m so tired.” I didn’t get a reply from him so I prepare the table nonetheless. He tells me to stop and that he’ll do it himself, which we both know is bullshit. He doesn’t do anything he says he would. “I’ll eat that. Just leave it there.” I don’t listen and I prep the table. Plus, I don’t think he’ll put the leftovers inside the fridge. He’d just leave it to rot by the counter. I’m telling myself at this point, “You don’t need him to take care of you.” I was hoping he’d come home early too and wishing he’d check up on me even for a little. Maybe ask me, “What’s wrong? Are you not feeling well?” But, no, I can’t expect him to care for me. In this relationship, it’s all him. At this point, he’s on Tiktok while Better Caul Saul plays on TV. What a life he lives! Every freaking time he is tired, he goes to Tiktok. It feels like a super lame ass excuse. I finish portioning the food and I hear him grudgingly say, “I’ll take care of that.” I don’t respond. Seriously? You will? There you go saying something you won’t do again. All I wanted at the time was to make sure the food doesn’t go to waste so I hurry to put them inside the fridge.  ask him, “You want to prepare your bath since you’re tired?” “Only if you’re taking a bath yourself. If not, don’t because I’m really tired.” Really tired, eh? But you get to spend hours on Tiktok and sleep at around midnight? I just don’t get it. He snarls at me and it’s my fault. All because he’s tired. I mean, I’m tired and feeling sick too. Do I snarl at him? *shakes head*

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Sunday

April 30, 2017. It's a Sunday. I had hoped we'd be going to church today. I'm not a religious or a spiritual person but I like it when we go to church together because it gives me this sense of "normalcy." On Sundays, we can become a normal and happy married couple. Before we got married, my husband's told the lead pastor of the church that he's looking forward to be a part of this church and that he can't wait to "belong." It made me happy to hear him say that because we'll actually get to mingle with people! Together! As a married couple! I was so excited! I was so excited to get married and tell the whole church, "Yes, we are married! We are husband and wife! Yes!" I wanted t I have a happy vision of how we were going to "belong" in this church because I have never belonged anywhere. I have no circle of friends. I was bullied my high school and college days and this church could be the first thing that will make me feel like home and family. (Is it bad to think of that? Or want that?) But, it didn't go like that. The first few months I noticed how my husband showed little or no interest in becoming a part of this church. He would wake up late on Sundays and say, "We cant go now, we're late." Or he'll wake up early and tell me we'll go to church, but he won't get ready until the last minute so we can be late and not go. I don't know whether it was because he didn't want to go to church or because he didn't want to mingle with the people.

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What gives?

I posted “I love my wife! #nothacked” on my husband’s FB account, and he got pissed that I did. Even deleted it. Can anyone give me a logical explanation/answer as to why a “loving” husband would do that? Is he ashamed of me? Did I embarrass him in any way? I mean, why? I always hear of how love gives people courage or how it emboldens them to better for the person they love. It seems to me the love we have isn’t this kind of love. I don’t even know why we’re in this relationship or why we stay together. I’m just struggling to understand why a simple post is worth being mad over. But I want to understand, so thoughts anyone? Maybe from a guy’s point-of-view? Help a girl out. 

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I regret getting married.

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It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.

Friedrich Nietzsche (via lifeofquotations)

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There is nothing that hurts more than seeing your husband ask another woman about how she’s gonna spend her Valentine and not even ask you where or how the two of you are going to celebrate your love.

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PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE

I have a hard time believing that people can change. I'm not talking about people changing their habits, I'm talking about their identity or personality, their being, their core. You know what I'm saying? Okay. Let me expound. We change our habits. Let's say from having a lifestyle that features zero physical activity, a person can go to attending yoga or dance classes or even running once or twice a week until it becomes maybe a daily habit. We can all change our habits. There's no question about that. But, when I say people don't change, I meant something along the lines of "a cheater will always be a cheater," "a pedophile will always be a pedophile," "a liar will always be a liar," "a crook as a crook," "a cheat as a cheat," and the list goes on. Heck, c'mon, even God, with all his power and might, has a hard time changing people. See what I mean? How about you? What do you think?