izitnotweird

[izitnotweird]

- 14.04.2025.

Fight with my boyfriend, and myself.

So i just had a fight with my boyfriend. He thinks it's a fight but I'm not mad at him, I'm mad at myself. So what happened ? He forgot to tell me he was going out with his friends. That's it. I got annoyed because it's not the first time that he forgot to tell me something like this. But more than that, I was mad at myself for looking like a fool the entire day, suggesting that we see each other, being playfully mad at him for not being with me at the moment. It was all lighthearted and of course I wasn't actually mad at him, but there were so many moments where he could've told me that he can't hang out with me because he has plans. So many moments when I was telling him about my plans and how we can't see each other for a few days because I'm going to be busy. And yet he didn't remember.

But that's still just one part of it. He made me feel stupid for acting like that all day but then, in the midst of my anger i decided to go on a walk just to clear my head. It started raining as soon as I stepped outside, almost as a mockery to me. I ran into my dad and hopped in his car and drove around town a bit accompanying him to the pharmacy, while this was happening i was receiving dms from my bf saying stuff like "pookie is missing", "pookie is mad at me", "where are you", and just a bunch of reels. I just read the messages as I didn't feel the strong urge to reply right away + i was with my dad and we were chatting. Later on he asked if i was angry to which i said no. I continued on with my walk and asked him when he is leaving to which he replied "in 5 minutes". This irked me because even after acknowledging that he made a mistake by not telling me 1. that he's going out, 2. who he's going with, 3. when he is going, and 4. where he is going, he later did not tell me any of these things and i had to ask everything. Basically pulling information out of him. He couldn't remember to tell me any of these things on his own.

During my walk i went into a bit of thinking and started thinking why i felt the way i did. After all it's not that big of a deal. I also slightly felt hurt because he was going out with the same friends he was out with yesterday. Now this one sounds weird. Our biggest fight so far was when he told me he felt like we were spending too much time together and he felt like he was losing himself. So since then, I became very conscious of how much time i request to spend with him. Every time i ask him out I calculate how many times we've seen eachother that week, how many more days i will have to wait till the next time. I always feel like I'm just waiting around for him. A dog waiting for his owner in front of the store. A dog that knows no other world but it's owner. A dog waiting patiently by the door for it's owner to come back from work, from hanging out with friends and so on.

One of those friends in particular I also have an issue with, since he and his girlfriend wronged me and invaded me and my boyfriend's privacy. They pried into our personal lives too much to the point where I had a messy falling out with the girlfriend and my boyfriend watched me have a panic attack on video call. So i still sometimes wonder how he can be so buddy buddy with the guy still. Maybe he just thinks I'm insane and overreacting, maybe that's true, everyone thinks that at the end of the day.

We had a conversation this one time about priorities. He said he has an issue with me thinking too lowly of myself. I told him it's because i don't feel like I'm a priority in his life. He assured me that i am his number one priority. That I come before his family, his friends, his health, his work. Everything. But I'm not sure what "priority" means to him. Because just about any time we make plans on a certain day and his friends want to hang out on the same day, he comes to me and asks me to postpone it. Whereas i plan everything around being available to him, and i wait until i have an appointment scheduled with him before i go around and make plans with my friends. There was also this one time we were at his place and we were cuddling in bed and i fell asleep on his chest and at that point his sister came home and he woke me up by pushing me off so he could stand up and go to greet her. It's all silly and you probably think those aren't problems and you would be right. I think I have to adjust my expectations and accept the fact that he is not going to reach out to me all the time, that he's sometimes going to treat me like a pushover. He says he cares about where i am and what I'm doing and still he didn't ask me if I'm home even though I've been here for an hour now. And he will almost never update me without me having to ask first.

That's fine. I will make myself smaller. Almost invisible. I won't be as much of a bother as I am now.

I'm sorry.

[izitnotweird]

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[izitnotweird]

[izitnotweird]

- 13.04.2025.

On being a low maintenance girl.

Sometimes i feel like I'm going insane trying to find a balance. Trying to look the prettiest i can and spending the least amount of money doing that. Going through the skincare aisle and looking through all of the options and ending up with the cheapest one in my cart always. Complaining that my concealer looks cakey and still using the cheapest essence one instead of investing in better quality makeup. Not buying primer because it's a waste of money even though the makeup would look better with it. "I'm going to take the makeup off at the end of the day anyway so why should i pay more for something that I'm going to wash off in a couple of hours".

The only more expensive makeup and jewelry i own being stuff i got as a gift from people who don't mind. Dupes of perfumes, cheap mall perfumes because "no one can tell the difference". Giving it my all to look put together but always thinking of the other girls who don't mind paying so much every month on their hair, on their clothes, on their makeup. Unapologetic girls who are aware that they're high maintenance and aren't afraid to invest in themselves.

And it's not like i don't have money for makeup that's of slightly better quality, it's not that i can't ask my dad for the money. I wouldn't say it's pride, and it's not being a capricorn. It's probably feeling guilty every time I ask for money because I don't want to be a burden on my parents. When I do ask they never make problems and even encourage me to ask more often. There is just something stopping me.

Jealousy. The worst feeling ever. The pit in my stomach when I try so hard to look put together and see a girl doing it so effortlessly. No makeup, no hair styling, no restrictive diets. Just being so natural and so beautiful. And as much as it is jealousy it's also that much admiration. Girls who know how to do makeup and wear it so proudly and boldly.

I am closer to that than the girl from 2019 only putting on eyeliner and nothing else. I know the basics, i know how to take care of myself. I am not ugly to most people. I found a style that suits me and that i feel comfortable in but i can't ever shake off the jealousy. I will always compare myself and think I'm not as good as the other girls, not as pretty, not as talented, not as skinny, not as smart, not as friendly.

I don't really know how to end this rant so i will just say that i am pretty. And i can be prettier. And to anyone who is stuck and doesn't know how to feel pretty: love yourself first and watch as you bloom into the most beautiful person alive.