izlosingtheirmind

[izlosingtheirmind]

everytime i think i want to die i remember my experience with dmt where i thought i was leaving human reality forever

i was so scared

so it makes me realize maybe i don't

want to go.

depression is so convincing though

im losing the ability to see what keeps me here

my friends

my family

my cats

i breathe every day through their love.

and its not that it isnt enough

im in so much pain up here in my head

and i cant get up out of my fucking bed

and im losing myself every day to no end

just trying to make ends meet so my cats are fed

and im lucky i am

so much to hold gratitude for

but im so fucking tired and i cant do this anymore

it feels like

and its up to me to change this

its all up to me and

thats the problem

[izlosingtheirmind]

i think more exists

beyond this

existence is multidimentional

its not just one experience

nothing can't exist

something always has been

if we can experience life

we will experience death

whatever that is

it doesn't scare me

[izlosingtheirmind]

When the world

starts to crush me

I should remember

who loves me

Instead I just sigh

And hate on my weight

In this human flesh body

I can’t fucking escape

[izlosingtheirmind]

every time i think about work

i lose the will to live

i find it again dancing

in the kitchen

[izlosingtheirmind]

[izlosingtheirmind]

I smoked DMT in May of this year and this is my experience and how it changed my life

Important context for this is I’ve been suicidal most of my life. The prior months leading up to this experience, I had been severely suicidal, every day. I had a note ready and was certain I wasn’t making it to 30.

I didn’t breakthrough all the way and I didn’t really have to. I got very close.

At first I was just ..“dancing with the universe” is the only way I can explain it. The most magnificent patterns I’ve ever seen, colors I can’t explain. I cried of joy. I could still see my apartment. My vision was like a shutter. For ex. One moment an object would be a rectangle, then it would switch (not morph), totally switch in a shutter type fashion into a circle. And then some more shapes I’ve never seen and can’t explain.

Then I took my last hit, held it in. My reality got very weird and a bit scary. I saw someone or thing watching me from my bathroom door and my jacket hanging up began to melt.

Then right when I said “I think I want this to stop”, I was shot through a tunnel of spinning mandalas made of eyes. Quite literally that popular piece by Alex Grey. But not looking at it, in it. Fully in it. Reality was no more. When I was in that tunnel, I didn’t know nor think about my human existence. None of it existed for that time. But I was quickly shot back into reality.

I saw my apartment again, but it was crazy. My walls and objects were morphing from shape to shape, color to color extremely fast. I looked at my cat and she was morphing and changing color too. Neon pink, neon green and checker pattern stuck out to me the most for some reason.

Then reality crumbled right before my eyes. Literally. Everything turned black/white/grey and crumbled like a building being demolished. And I was back in a world I can’t explain.. it was dark. Again, my human existence didn’t exist, i was just energy experiencing.. something.

Finally I came back to reality, saw my friend and grasped him for dear life so I didn’t get taken back to that world. I was so scared I wouldn’t come back from it, and that I was going to be sent back for eternity. I thought I was either going to die or go insane. Everything was morphing as it was before. All that was going through my head was that I’m going to lose the girl I really like, I’m gonna lose my job, my cats won’t have a mom anymore, I’m never gonna see my family and friends again. I held onto my friend for dear life until it finally fully ended.

All I could mutter was “what the fuck”. No amount of psychedelics could have prepared me for DMT. It’s a whole other animal.

Interestingly, when I came out of it and realized I was okay and it did in fact end, I wasn’t scared of it. I thought I’d be traumatized from an experience like that and never want to touch it again. It was easily the scariest experience of my entire life. Yet, directly after, I felt grateful and intrigued.

It took me about an hour or 2 to just somewhat process what had just happened. But I quickly came to the realization that I am not ready to die. That I have potential, that my loved ones need me and that is why I was scared. Not only did I gain this knowledge, I also came back with a knowing that this is the case for every human soul on this planet. I didn’t get an answer as to why, but I now know we all have a reason for being here. Every one of us. No matter how hopeless it seems. Everyone is meant to be here and experience this life.

The second realization I came to rather quickly was that running from fear of the unknown will only make things worse. Every time. That I must SURRENDER to life and know that it is out of my control (besides my actions). This, I believe as an intuitive knowing from the experience, was a lesson that was taught so that I can integrate it into my life, and until I do, I am not to return to the DMT world. And I have taken this lesson very seriously and have been taking action to push past my fears that I would normally let dictate my life. I have a lot of work to do still, because it is a huge barrier I’ve got to tackle. And I’ll be honest I’ve been slacking.

I tried to return last week and was not granted access no matter how much of it I smoked. I got the visuals, but was stuck in the waiting room with an intuitive feeling that it’s not time yet and I still have work to do.

So yeah, DMT zapped away my suicidal ideation, made me realize how my life does have potential and sent me on a mission to conquer my fears and live the life I WANT. And I’m grateful as hell.

With psychedelics, you really have to be able to take what you can get from the experience, good or bad. But if DMT ever crosses your path and you feel ready to accept what it has to offer, I highly recommend you do. (Don’t seek it. It will come to you.)

[izlosingtheirmind]

August

Someone always leaves in August

The intense energy within me

Curates something uneasy

A frequency

that scares them

Away

Energy overflowing with color

Overwhelmed with mental gravity

Pushing, squeezing, ripping

Consuming me

Like a black hole

It’s not inherently negative

To me, it feels good until it doesn’t

The urge to let go to it

To allow it to paint me and take me

Home

A false sense of comfort in insanity

Appearing like a fluffy cloud

Away from the rigidness

Of the human experience

Peace

Let go, let go, let go

Keep your feet on the ground though

Smile, laugh, cry

Scream at the sky

What is life

Pretend

Society is a stage

You’re just part of the cast

Play your part

Don’t lose your mask

Bullshit

We come home to ourselves

Who are you when you’re alone?

Who are you with nothing?

Who are YOU?

You are nothing but a trip

A way for everything that is

To experience all that is

Without YOU to

See it, smell it, feel it, hear it, taste it

It doesn’t exist

We take things so serious

There is no reason to

Nobody understands

So they just keep wearing their mask

Pretending

They includes me

I’m part of this sick society

And while I’m here and I breathe

I have to make ends meet

Fuck

Control is a myth

You are in the hands of the cosmos

I know this

Still struggling to let go

Ego

Death

It worries some

For me, it’s welcome

Whenever it comes

This energy, these thoughts

Are too much for some

So I keep it inside

With nowhere to run

Then August comes

-iz

[izlosingtheirmind]

Bitter

Gratitude goes a long way

I think

That’s just what they want me to say

To be honest

Gratitude consumes my brain

Even though

I don’t like the rain

I always find ways to appreciate

The envy I feel about others

Shows me

The potential within me

I think

But but but

There are so many reasons

Excuses

That will shut me up

Push me into a hole

Succumb to the bitterness

Watching others follow

What calls to their soul

Free will grants us options

We can go for it or rot

The cards play a part though

Do they not?

Social anxiety, bipolar

All of the above

Trying for years

And still can’t get up

Stuck underwater

Screaming for help

The best explanation

For how I’ve always felt

Every now and then

Appears a bright light

That shines on my potential

Granting the will to fight

For a moment I emerge

Breathing with ambition

The sight of a future

I can take on this mission

Nothing but a false hope

That never lasts long

Before the joy is stolen

By the enemy of comparison

Right back in my hole

Drowning once more

While all of my peers

Open their doors

Will I ever move past

The overwhelming notion

That I am just meant

to drown in the ocean?

-iz

[izlosingtheirmind]

I am waiting for the day when I am happy that I did not die when I wanted to. I wait for the moment when all the pain makes sense and all the scars have been worth it

[izlosingtheirmind]

こんな人生は絶対嫌だ / I Absolutely Hate This Kind of Life

[izlosingtheirmind]

[izlosingtheirmind]

T shirt that says “Sorry If I overshare too much my mom used me as a therapist for all my life and now Im bad at social cues”

[izlosingtheirmind]

hah,, i wanna tell my therapist everything tomorrow but i also don’t need to be sent on a grippy sock vacation cuz i think being isolated like that would make whatever i’m going through rn even worse.

[izlosingtheirmind]

I’ve become so bitter and I am so scared to get stuck like this.

[izlosingtheirmind]

I want to disappear so fucking badly

[izlosingtheirmind]

[izlosingtheirmind]