j5m5t96

[j5m5t96]

I’m just shocked.

I go to get my first dress fitting for my friends wedding that I’m a bridesmaid in, first my dress at the back was too small, so already I was super upset, and then the lady has the nerve to say “oh wow someone had a happy year” “you really expanded” “you don’t fit in it all all” when in reality the only place was my boobs because yes they grew but I could barely adjust myself. Then I look at the size and this women bought the dress a size too small. So not only did she buy the dress a size too small. She made me feel like shit about myself in the process and I cried the entire way home. I was so in shock I didn’t even say anything to her…but now I have to go back a couple of times until it’s done and I really don’t wanna see her face again but I guess here we go.

But if she says something at the next fitting I’m slapping her the fuck out.

[j5m5t96]

If I do it:

To mom and dad:

I know you loved me and cared for me, but the way you showed it wasn’t enough. The way you would shut me down and get angry at me and probe was too much. You cared more for my brother don’t lie. I saw it, I felt it, everyone else saw and felt it too. And in the end he was the golden boy that you protected and let do whatever he wanted, and I was the second child who was never good enough.

To brother:

Although we had our ups and downs you were there for me...I was there for you too...but again it just never seemed to be enough. And when you say what’s wrong in a condescending tone when I’m fully fine fuck off.

To r:

You were one of my best friends...and even though you stress me out sometimes you make me forget everything. And I love you.

To k:

Another best fiend...we’ve have ups and downs...and I love you...you just sometimes drain me...but like everyone else that’s the case so I dug deeper and saw you for you not your flaws

To l:

Honestly everyone told me as soon as you’d get a toxic boyfriend you’d be like this...and yup you lived up to exactly what everyone said you would...I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt but instead I was left disappointed and fed up.

And to everyone else:

You all know what was happening...you knew it but you were just toooo caught up in your own hardships that you would put on me to really care or listen when I asked for help.

So if I do it...I don’t know maybe someone will find this...but honestly I don’t care I just want to be gone from this life, from their watchful eyes and their hurtful words, and their need to drain me mentally, physically and emotionally.

Bye LOL

[j5m5t96]

I’m fat.

I’m ugly.

I’m disrespected.

Uncared for.

Useless.

A problem.

Unheard.

So what’s the point in putting effort into myself if people are just constantly shitting on me.

What’s the point if no matter what I say, do, what knowledge I have, I am unworthy of respect, but they expect it in return.

Clearly I’m useless, uncared for, a problem because you’ve said this to my face. Your actions have said this to my face.

No one cares. I stay silent because they say my opinions are too much, but then yell at me for being silent and dull.

So I’m done.

[j5m5t96]

I know I always give shit to my parents and think they don’t love me...but when I truly need them my moms there and my dad does care and asks about me and how I’m doing and if I’m okay...I just wish they would be more direct with me about their love more often...it would help

But fuck man my friends have been realllll shittt...I can’t deal with any of them I’m exhausted

[j5m5t96]

Like what the fuck. Everyone always come to me when they need help and when they need someone to talk to: “I’m gonna kill myself”, “ oh I cut”, “please come here or I’m gonna do it” all these things piled up and then they tell me don’t tell anyone though, so I don’t. So I have to hold all this with me and have to carry all this worry, and guilt that I did something wrong. But when I wanna speak people don’t listen, they cut me off, they tell me I don’t have it as bad as they do. So I don’t tell anyone what I feel and then they get mad that I don’t open up...but don’t want to hear what I have to say.

Like I wanna kill myself too but I’m not burdening peoples lives because I already do that enough apparently.

So while everyone is using me as a emotional support I’m just crumbling. And no one notices or cares so I’m just here

[j5m5t96]

My family makes me want to unalive myself

[j5m5t96]

I love how it just always comes down to me...it doesn’t matter what I do or if my actions and feelings are justified I am always the issue...I am always the problem that needs to be fixed...I need to be fixed...but everyone else is perfect right? No one else is at fault? Only me? Yeah sure that makes sense....

Tell me this a person continues to take and take money from me and not pay me back...I’m working a part time job, paying for parking and the subway, trying to live a life, paying for school on my own and everything that comes with it and it’s okay to take 10 thousand dollars from me over the course of 5 years to the point where I barely graduated because if I paid to graduate I would be left with nothing....and that’s exactly what I was left with nothing!...and then I build up my money all over again and today he walks in and asks for money and obviously I get frustrated one because that’s the only time he talks to me when he wants something and then HE storms out and I GET TOLD IM THE ISSUE.

Sometimes the people that tear you down and hurt you the most, and push you to the point of no return are the people you live with.

I will never get married or have children if I cannot provide for them. I will live and die alone if I have to. I do not care at this point. I will not live my life with someone that makes me miserable and I will not bring children into this world and subject them to this bullshit and stress.

[j5m5t96]

I just wanna die but if I do then it’ll prove them right that I am worthless...but I’m honestly starting to not give a fuck anymore I just wanna disappear and have no one remember me

[j5m5t96]

I’m worthless....I’m fat and ugly and I’m gonna be alone and die alone

[j5m5t96]

Honestly two of the only things keeping me going is my dogs and everyone makes the job of taking care of them 1000000% more difficult

[j5m5t96]

I honestly just want to go to sleep and never wake up.....no one listens to me, no one respects me and I try to keep my mouth shut but the moment I open it I’m a bitch and I’m dramatic and I’m wrong and I need to tone it down....meanwhile I’m speaking all facts but he can’t handle it

[j5m5t96]

I just want everything to stop like doesn’t matter what I do I’m just always right back where I started miserable. There used to be longer periods in between but now it seems like every day is a struggle again. And things that I used to love don’t appeal to me anymore and it’s only during those random times that I’ll read a book or enjoy watching the hockey game but for the most part I was miserable all the time. I don’t wanna eat I want to do better but it’s like I have no energy to do better and it’s almost like a punishment because of how I act and think I don’t eat and I talk bad about myself and I take all the joy out of my life so maybe that’s it I don’t know

[j5m5t96]

Honestly one of the worst parts is when I’m sitting with people and I’m literally on the brink of crying...like tears are forming and I have to drink or yawn or casually wipe my eyes to make it seem like nothings happening when it so clearly is and people either don’t notice, don’t care, or turn it back on themselves and make it about themselves. So I guess no one actually cares

[j5m5t96]

People don’t actually love me...people don’t actually want to see me and talk to me there’s just no way

[j5m5t96]

[j5m5t96]

You’ll end up being tired of me, everyone does.

[j5m5t96]