ja0son-blog

[ja0son-blog]

Trans ftm pre-t passing master post

There are a lot of tips I’ve discovered after being out of the closet for so long, and I wanted to share them with you because all the passing tips I see online are all extremely vague.

Hair - 

-Long hair is hard to deal with if you can’t get your hair cut for some reason. For years, I had shoulder length hair because I couldn’t get it cut. If you have long hair, keep it messy. I personally tried to justify my long hair by saying it was all part of my “look”. I dressed like a skater guy cause I know it’s more common for skater guys to have long hair. 

-Cis guys don’t tend to have parts in their hair. If you have long hair, try keeping it out of your face so that your hair part isn’t super visible. 

If you’re planning on getting your hair cut,

- Don’t go super short!! Short hair will bring out your facial structure. Your hairline isn’t masculine yet. A shave close to your scalp will accentuate your feminine features. I’m talking buzz cuts. Quiffs don’t work very well either. Your hairline is very close to your eyes, and people will subconsciously notice that.

- If you want to get your hair cut but can’t due to parents, just get your hair cut on your own with your own money. Or get a friend to cut it for you. I've been contemplating doing this for years, but a few months ago I finally went to a barber to get it cut. I showed him a picture of Cole Sprouse, and he knew what to do. 

-Stay away from using makeup to create masculine features. It’s very obvious when you wear makeup. Instead, work on using your facial muscles to convey a more masculine face. You can furrow your eyebrows slightly, suck your cheeks in, and push your jaw out. This will work a lot better than makeup because it will look natural. 

Clothes:

Binding - If you’re trying to get a binder, ask a friend to order it for you and pay them back. You can also get a visa card from the dollar store and put 35$ on there and order a binder (from GC2B, of course) and have it get shipped to a friend’s house. What I did for a few months was make my own binders, But only because I was desperate. I got a thick cotton shirt and cut it around the chest area and sewed it to an ace bandage. I put the makeshift binder on so that the cotton was in the front and the ace bandage was in the back. This is not a safe method, but it does the trick for the time being. 

When you get your binder, wear it only for a few hours at a time. It’s going to be super tight, but over a few months, it’ll get significantly looser. Once it’s much looser, you can bind for dozens of hours at a time and not be negatively affected. Be sure to take it off before bed! GC2B binders are also totally washing machine and dryer safe. 

Shirts - hoodies are your best friend. They cover all curves. Stock up on as many as you can! As for shirts, get ones that have a small neck hole so your binder doesn’t show. I like cotton that’s thinner because they don’t hug my body as much. 

Pants - Lots of people say to stay away from skinny jeans. That’s not true, unless you’re wearing girls’ skinny jeans. Then of course stay away from those. But men’s skinny jeans and khakis do wonders. However, it’s important that the shorts and pants you wear aren’t too loose. Adidas track pants are also great! For warm weather, I tend to lean towards shorts that fall slightly above the knee.

Socks - guys usually wear long sporty socks that end halfway up the calf. I don’t like that style, so I wear socks that end where the bottom of my calf starts. (Quarter socks) pleeeaaase stay away from headass printed socks. Those are typically seen as feminine.

Shoes - I find that bigger, bulkier shoes are help you pass well. My go to brand currently is Nike. Air force ones are super masculine and give the illusion that your feet are bigger and they go well with pants that are a little big for you because they hide leg curves. Canvas shoe material is very thin and you don’t see many teenage guys wearing high top Converse too often. Besides, they hug your feet and they’ll make you look tiny. 

Mannerisms -

Almost everything you do can be gendered which sucks, but it also allows you to take advantage of them to help you pass better. There’s way too many to write down, but the general idea I follow is to make sure you take up more space with your body, and less with your mouth. What I mean by that is to sit bigger. Manspread. Take up room. On the other hand, try to avoid rambling or going off in conversation. Stay more reserved. 

Voice - There’s not much that can help for your voice except to try to speak from your chest rather than your head. It takes a while to make it into a habit, but it’s very helpful because having a feminine voice is one of the things that will make people assume you’re female. Clearing your voice before you speak is very important, especially if you’re deliberately lowering it because if you speak low before clearing it, it’ll crack a lot. 

That’s all I can think of for now. If I come up with other stuff later on, I’ll put it in here!

[ja0son-blog]

why am I so obsessed with instant gratification?

As I was about to take a shower, the self-aware part of my brain reminded me that I’ve done nothing productive today. Then, the lazy, entitled, procrastinative (is that a word?) part of my brain convinced me that since today’s a snow day, I don’t even have any homework in the first place so I don’t really have to do anything substantial at all today. “Great point!” the self-aware part of my brain replied. “That gives us a chance to do our laundry and tidy up our room and feel productive and rewarded afterwards.” 

It would be nice to to have clean clothes and a clean room. Luckily, completing the task is simple, but actually telling myself I’m going to do it is so hard. I could just finish my shower and cozy up with an episode of The Office. That sounds so much nicer. But I know that when those annoying tasks I’ve been putting off have been completed, I’ll feel so much better. It’ll be weight lifted off my shoulders, and then I’ll feel like I’ve earned that episode of The Office. 

But it’s so much easier to just put tasks off. Not cleaning my room isn’t harming anyone. But if I learn how to delay gratification, then won’t it build my character? Won’t it help train my reward system?

But the lazy, entitled, procrastinative part of my brain keeps telling me otherwise.

[ja0son-blog]

the art of dedication

This is not about you as it is me.

I feel disappointed in not being able to live up to the simple thing I said I would do - post on this website as often as I could.

I feel so wound up in stress and schoolwork. I don’t make time for the things I love because there’s a nagging fear in the back of my head that tells me that everything that isn’t for school is a waste of time. The artist and the adventurer inside me is slowly starting to fade away.

And it’s not just happening to me - it’s happening to some of my friends too.

I recently heard someone to refer to the students as free-range prisoners.  We’re told to follow our own path in life and chase the things we’re passionate about, as long as it makes us earn money and seem professional.

We’re supposed to live in the eyes of others, not in the eyes of ourselves as individuals.

But this is besides the point and I shouldn’t be blaming it totally on the school system, no matter how badly I want to. Because at the end of the day, you’re not going to get anything out of waiting for something else to change. If you begin to change yourself in ways that enable you to grow and succeed, then managing bigger problems will become a lot easier. You need to be conscious and have a handle on abstract concepts like grit and dedication.

I want to be able to document my days before I grow up and start to really have to live the adult lifestyle that everyone older than me complains about.

I want to become dedicated to this page. What am I afraid of? What’s stopping me?

[ja0son-blog]

2.0 ? (again)

So, this social media detox challenge, although manageable by most, has been so difficult for me because of one reason. It’s the reason that makes it or breaks it for people, and this is loneliness. And I don’t mean that in a depressing way, but honestly, if you’re isolated for a long part of the day, there’s going to be that urge tugging at you to check your social media. It will bug you and bug you. But for the people who spend every second with their friends, it’s so easy to get caught up in your real, outside life. I’m one who prefers to talk to people online, and yes, I do have wonderful friends. I just don’t see them after school because I chose to be alone.

I’m sure I could have done better than I have before if I had the motivation and grit to do it.

So, I lasted 16 hours without social media. I was aiming for at least 48. At least. I am mildly disappointed in myself, but I knew in the back of my mind this was going to happen. But having a social media addiction is truly awful because it gives you so much negative energy.

If I try this challenge again, I will update this blog.

But regardless of whether I do this again, I still want to use this blog. If I could gain one good habit, like journaling for 3 weeks, maybe it will stay.

I will make that my next goal. It will add something positive on to something negative. I’ll give my mind a chance to breathe.

[ja0son-blog]

1.1 (again)

If I were to log onto Instagram, what would be the first thing I would check? Maybe it would be to see how many likes I’ve gotten since my last post, or maybe it would be to see how my friends are doing. But I know that if I checked up on my friends, I’d become jealous of them, and that wouldn’t be good for me because I’m trying to remove all negative energy from my life. I really, really, really have the urge to log into my account. I want to so bad; it’s become a part of my life. It’s something I feel like I need to do but I know I need to stick to my goals. Maybe I’ll give myself ten minutes. After all, I’ve gone through three years of spending hours upon hours daily scrolling though meaningless posts.

[ja0son-blog]

1.0 (again)

Social media - specifically Instagram- has been consuming my life since I was in the eighth grade. It provided me with fake supplements of social nutrients my thirteen year old self was missing out on, including the feeling of communication and collaboration. The feeling of being wanted. When I posted a picture on my finsta with me complaining about my parents or something a young teenager would dramatically rant about, I would get a handful of likes from mutuals I knew from around the halls in my school. Every time my phone would buzz, I would quickly rush to see that it would be from someone I didn’t really talk to. And I’ll admit it, that feeling was satisfying. Knowing that someone out there took the time to read my caption and like my picture made me feel like I had a place. And that’s a struggle for most teenagers - not knowing where they belong. So what did I do? I picked up my phone and posted another picture. I, yet again, received likes and even the occasional comment, and it temporarily gave me a sense of peace and contentment. I continued doing this; it became a cycle. I would post more and more pictures and receive more and more likes. I would accept a large amount of mutuals to follow me, with the subconscious hope that it would make me feel liked by the people I didn’t talk to. Maybe they would think I was somehow special to them by letting them follow the roller coaster ride I called my finsta.

Two years later, my finsta blew up with roughly 200 followers from my small-town suburban school and had more than 8,000 posts. I posted every thought that came to mind because I didn’t really have many friends then I could tell things to. Posting was almost a coping method for my depression and stress, which really was a lot for me as a kid, but something I could deal with now as a 16 year old. I slowly became aware of my problem, because I was posting over 10 times a day. I could never push myself out of the hole I dug, but maybe it was because I didn’t really want to.

That account has been deleted and I started a new finsta that is more positive and something I’m not embarrassed about. It has 130 followers and 1,000 posts. These posts are usually filled with my photography, friends, art, my pets, laughable problems, memes, and the occasional rant. But I know I’m still deep inside my hole.

Thinking back on my thirteen year old self’s finsta, I’m pretty sure my followers knew how lonely I was. But they flooded my comments with support when they knew I needed it, and I’m grateful and lucky to have grown up in such an encouraging environment. So, no, social media isn’t 100% awful. But when used excessively, it will take away from the things you need to do and the things you love to do. It will destroy you. This is why I’m taking a three week break from the app in the hopes to break my addiction to social media and to learn some new habits.