2018 Resolutions
So Iāve been doing these every year for a while as kind of a check in on the last year, and as a time to stop and look forward for a moment on what Iād like to accomplish in this next pre packaged section of time.Ā I know months and years and such are arbitrary times to start something new, and that you could reinvent yourself at any point in the day/week/year/etc. but thereās something about a fresh start on the calendar that feels right.Ā And a new year is one big fresh start.Ā Thatās what I like about the new year anyway, itās a time to be reflective and to ask yourself what you want and how to get there. Even if itās totally different than what you wanted last year.Ā Itās a marker of change and hopefully growth.Ā So here is what Iām thinking about this year.
Posture- keep working at it.Ā It just makes you look so much more confident and less like youāre trying to blend into the wall.
Confidence- especially at work. Youāre good at what you do and you deserve to be there.Ā Even if youāre not the best one there, youāre better than 100 alternatives so just focus on doing your best and not putting yourself down, mentally and when talking with others about what you do
Remember that youāre an adult now- you can move wherever you want, you can make any decision for yourself, you can change your career as much or as little as you want, you can travel- you run your life.Ā Which can be scary or it can be a real adventure, itās whatever you make of it.Ā Donāt be scared to try things youāve always wanted to do when youāre olderā¦you can do them now.Ā You donāt have to wait because youāre not 16 anymore.Ā Go to Spain. Attack things head on.
Dress like it-Ā you have a lot of clothes from high school evenā¦ And I know your subconscious style influence of your dreams has been those cool vans skater girls from the early 2000s but thereās more grown up ways of portraying yourself and looking put together.Ā Not saying to drop that aesthetic entirely, cause I know thereās still that soft spot and it can def look good.Ā Just saying you should find some more adult style role models (Aubrey Plaza cough cough).Ā Take this year to slowly cycle out the jeans and shirts and bring in more put together attire.Ā Every time you need new clothes or to replace something, keep that in mind.
Be more positive- Not to give up cynicism, because that staves off naivety I think, but you definitely let yourself stew on stuff that isnāt helping you out.Ā Cold weather, losing material stuff, whatever.Ā Letting thing like that go and accepting your new reality if it canāt be changed is so much more healthy than grumbling about how much it sucks.Ā Either do something to start fixing it or donāt let it ruin your day.
Look into Buddhism- you vaguely know the concepts but I think it would be really good to look into it for real.Ā Being present, seeking balance, accepting things and letting them go have all been ideals youāve landed upon on your own and I think it would be good to try something like this to give all those thoughts some focus
Get your exercise right-Ā you were doing so well in VA and even in CA at going regularly.Ā I think youāve made it too complicated lately and need to go back to basics or things youāll actually do.Ā Smaller, more concrete goals within this- blast them abs, strengthen arms, improve flexibility through yoga/just do yoga more
Do stuff more-Ā less tv, more hobbies.Ā Thereās a lot of stuff you wanna try or bring back, you just donāt pull the trigger ever.Ā Pick something and make steps to do it.Ā Nothingās stopping you from drawing. TV just seems like the easiest bug chunk of time to convert to more creative/productive practices.
Be proactive about future you- I know you think about future you a lot but you need to start doingĀ stuff for future you.Ā Actually start a retirement savings, start a business, get credit cards that work for you, and set your own goals because school isnāt there to do that for you anymore
Let yourself be in an adult relationship-Ā I think youāve always been careful about caring too much about anyone romantically because youāve been taught growing up that teenage relationships donāt last, you break up when youāre young and in college and you get your heart broken. Iām not saying itās not possible outside of school or that any age in your life protects you from that possibility.Ā Iām just saying whatās the point of holding back at this point?Ā If heās gonna be in your life in a very real way, which youāve shown that youāre open to- let him in.Ā Or, more importantly, let yourself out.Ā Let yourself be yourself around him, let him in in ways that will seriously do damage if it ends badly.Ā But know that youāre both open to it not ending at all and that youāre either lying to him or youāre lying to yourself if you hold back to keep from getting hurt.Ā This one feels different and itās so much more honest and rich if you jump in.Ā You know you want to.
Travel-Ā Set up a card to get airline points, go to weddings, make that leap into international travel, cause I think once you go once, itās a lot easier to allow yourself to go to more and more places.Ā Very little is stopping you from going to places, so just do it!
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Man, a lot happens in a year. (part 3)
Done this the past two years, so here we go again: a list of all the memorable stuff that happened in my life this year.Ā
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Man, a lot happens in a year. (Redux)
So ever since I did one of these : http://sarcasticshutter.tumblr.com/post/15011923732/man-a-lot-happens-in-a-year
posts in 2011, Iāve wanted to kinda keep that going and do an annual reminiscing/recap post.Ā Buuut I kinda really missed the ship on that for 2012 seeing as weāre now seven months into the year.Ā But fuck convention.Ā July is just as good a time as January.Ā Better late than never.Ā
So here we are, my look back at 2012:
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2016 Resolutions
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If you wanna know what my life was like as a Junior in high school...
Man, a lot happens in a year.
Iām going through my planner/calendar/whatever and reminiscing about stuff.Ā Last January feels like so long ago, but god, this yearās gone so fast.Ā This school year is flying by too, come to think of itā¦
Anyway: I figured Iād make a little list of sentimental/memorable crap from 2011.
Iāll do a read more so it doesnāt clog up your dash so much if you donāt care about this :3
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Being Present
Iām becoming crunchy af as Iāve grown up
I feel like Iām on the verge of tipping into it for real right now too, like I used to think spiritual stuff was so dumb but now I feel like thereās something to say for things having a vibe or an energy about them. And how your mindset can drastically change your attitude and how mental things can affect the physical body. Iāve been doing more yoga lately which has made my body feel better, which makes sense, but also it just clears your head so well and itās addictive to live in that tranquil mindset. I just feel so at peace afterwards because it forces you to slow down and be present for a second and just get back in tubne with yourself.Ā Iāve been looking into buddhism a bit too because Iāve never been a religious person, and I think thatās why itās appealing.Ā Because itās more about understanding than it is about faith.Ā Itās not trying to have you believe in the promise of pleasant things as a result of being a good person, itās about accepting your reality and not fighting with the universe about how youāre gonna make yourself happy.Ā Not to say you canāt change your situation or want things to be better for yourself, but you can try to be at peace with your present at any given moment and thatās so comforting.Ā So Iām gonna start looking into it more to try and see how I can maybe start to implement some of those thoughts in my life.
Iāve been feeling like Iām not where I want to be lately, and I canāt put my finger exactly on why Iāve been having those thoughts.Ā It feels different than what I had been feeling in California.Ā There I felt like my wheels were spinning and I wasnāt doing anything to go in a new direction and that I was constantly picking the safe choice.Ā Here I feel like Iām at least trying not to make the same mistakes again and again, and I like the work that Iām doing.Ā Iām feeling comfortable in my home with my roommates and more comfortable navigating the city.Ā So I donāt think this feeling means that the city isnāt working out or isnāt where I should be.Ā I like the thought of being here for a minute, although on some cosmic level I feel like this isnāt where Iāll end up.Ā I think itās another stepping stone, but probably a couple year stepping stone rather than a couple month one.Ā I know I miss having a friend group and I could be doing more to try and better that situation but folding into the NCSA crew has made me complacent about that.Ā I like them a lot and I know weāll be good friends but I canāt help but feel like I need my own friends too.
This feeling is something deeper and more like a rolling mist in the back of my head, and Iām not totally sure whatās up with that. I just feel like I could and should be doing more...something.Ā I donāt know what that something is, but something. I think maybe I need a hobby?Ā I spend my free time doing nothing of value and feeling like I should be doing something important, and then I spend my time at work chomping at the bit to get back to my free time. I donāt get it.Ā Maybe I just need to make myself draw or read or go buy a keyboard or something and not let myself watch tv.Ā Try that out for a bit and see if that helps.Ā I donāt know how to feel content I guess.Ā It reminds me of how in school you would be watching tv or hanging out with people and you would have that lingering guilt of knowing you should be working on homework or a project, except thereās nothing really hovering over me.Ā I can easily just do nothing and thereās nothing better that I should be doing.Ā I donāt know why I didnāt feel like this in California.Ā I could watch tv and hang out with people and not feel guilty, I could relax so well in California.Ā Maybe it is a friends thing or maybe it's being comfortable in my position at work.
I think overall I just need to change my mindset.Ā I think I need to sit myself down and look at where I am and how much Iāve done and appreciate how much Iāve actually accomplished.Ā Because a lot of the time it feels like Iām not hustling enough or that thereās so much more that I need to do before Iāll get to that happiness checkpoint.Ā Iām reminded more and more of that saying lately about how happiness is the journey not the destination when I stop to turn my thoughts inward and look at why Iām feeling inadequate in my free time. Iām here.Ā Iām working in my field. Iām almost entirely self sufficient, and Iām not struggling.Ā My life is comfortable, and Iām in a very good place career wise, Iām doing all the things I should be doing to try to feel out which way Iām gonna pursue harder. Nowās the time to just work and learn and keep assessing if what Iām doing is what I want to keep doing.Ā And maybe also the time to pick up a pen or a book when Iām not working and learning so that I have a more fulfilling pastime than just catching up on bobās burgers.
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Feeling good about myself today cause two separate coworkers have told me of their own accord that they wanna try and get me on where they work steadily after we're done here
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Zag on āEm
Iām excited for a lot of things right now and thatās making time move slowly...Iām at home right now, 3 days out from moving to the city. Ā Finishing up packing, visiting friends, and stopping by my old college campus this week. Ā I think itāll be weird to be back there. Ā It feels like a lifetime away rather than just a year ago. Ā And I havenāt even done anything thatĀ crazy in that time. Ā Iāve been playing it safe this whole last year in going back to my same summerstock and in going back to PCPA. Ā Places Iāve been before and feel comfortable working in. Ā Doing stuff Iāve done before even if I know already that I want to try new things. Ā I canāt imagine how far away college will feel after this next year, where Iām finally taking twenty-serpentine to heart...
Let me use that as a springboard to describe those things Iām excited about. Ā Should make it evident that Iām kinda going off the rails in this upcoming year and itās fucking thrilling. Ā Terrifying, donāt get me wrong. Ā But itās making me grin just thinking about it and Iām doing it anyway. Ā Iām gonna make it fucking work for me.
Ahem. Ā Letās start with the thing Iāve been writing about all summer:
Zag #1. Turning down that cruise (potential) offer to freelance in NYC
I remember saying in senior year that I thought it was crazy to move to the city without a job lined up because of how expensive it was to live there. Ā That was literally only one year ago and here I am doing the exact thing I was so opposed to then. Ā So what changed? Ā Iām sick of taking the safe and easy route. Ā PCPA was comfortable but it was more of the same thing I knew before moving out there, which is that I know I want to try something other than carpentry for a minute. Ā I canĀ do carpentry but I donāt know if something else out there will make me more happy. Ā Itās like how I felt dating Joe... I didnāt feel unhappy, I just felt like maybe something better was out there, and boy fucking was there. Ā So why tf do I keep making that same choice? Ā Because itās real hard to turn down stability. Ā Well. Ā Fuck that. Ā Iām gonna give freelancing a shot. Ā Actually try to go for the things Iāve been telling myself that one of these times Iāll do it. Ā Now is the time.
Alright, also something Iāve been writing about all summer. Ā Iām realizing I like to agonize about things before making a choice. Ā Hopefully I get better about trusting my gut even though it seems at face value like the risky choice.
Zag #2. Ā Deciding to share a bedroom with Tony. Aka, not holding back in a relationship because itāll be easier that way to get over it if we break up.
Let me spell out on paper all the things that are wrong with this scenario, and therefore why it took me so long to decide that it was worth doing it anyway.
At the time of beginning to agonize over this, weād only been together for 6 months. Ā And I didnāt even want to date him at the beginning. Ā I wanted to be single/have a fuck buddy but he made me realize that all the shit we were doing was literally the same as dating, I just hadnāt wanted to call it that. Ā And since I didnāt want it to stop, I begrudgingly agreed that yes, I guess we had been dating... Anyway, moving to the city to be with Tony and not only that but moving in with him again, and not only that but sharing a room with him this time...Does not sound like a good idea at all. Ā But we had just spent the last 6 months living together and we had no problems there. Ā And I was moving to the city because of my previously mentioned zag, and it just helped out a lot that I could move in somewhere with ready-made roommates and could have a cheaper rent than I wouldāve otherwise. Ā It was good timing to do this right now because if I waited til after a cruise contract, it wouldāve been super weird to move into the bedroom of an ex boyfriend. Ā By that I mean it wouldnāt have happened. Ā So now was good timing, and I did miss him a ton. Ā Saying goodbye in California was way harder than I anticipated. Ā I felt better deciding to do this because I wasnāt entirely moving there for him, although it is a big perk for sure. Ā Just one more very big thing to be excited about with this decision to move there.
What scares me a bit also though is how much I want to open myself up to him. Ā Iāve thought about him more seriously than anyone else Iāve dated, which feels dumb because we havenāt been together all that long. Ā I just really like trying to figure him out and hearing how he thinks because weāre such different people in a lot of ways. Ā I think if we were any more different than we are it would be too much and I wouldnāt feel like I could relate to him, but if we were too similar it would be like dating Josh and it would end up feeling too much like just a best friend in the world, and wouldnāt and up working out long term. Ā I mean I know things could end at any second and odds are always more likely for a relationship to end at some point rather than for it to go on, but thinking about some kind of life with him is really exciting. Ā I didnāt quite feel that way with Josh. Ā I felt like we could do it really well and be a great team but I didnāt really have any emotional response to it. Ā I donāt know why but with Tony I think it would be really fun. Ā Not saying I want anything to happen right now, I just wanna see how things go for a while first. Just sayinā, Iām interested. Ā I donāt know if itās where Iām at now in life, that I finally have taken my self imposed āyouāre a kid, you canāt make big decisions yetā blinders off, and am realizing the full potential I have to take charge in my life- but I feel like, why not open yourself up fully even if it might rip your heart out later? Ā He might end up being the guy you marry too, why not give it everything youāve got? Ā Cause thatās what he seems to be doing for me too. Ā
Bleh, anyway:
Zag #3. Actually planning a trip to Europe with friends.
This is something Iāve been talking about with various friend groups since high school. Ā And itās always been something Iāve wanted, but like Iāve said I had those blinders on and it didnāt really feel like something any of us would actually pull off. Ā But now I think we really can. Ā And I have a fantastic friend group to do it with. Ā Something about Sami and Andie actually making that trip to Charlottesville to visit me this summer makes me think theyāll pull through again and actually save for this trip to Spain we were all talking about yesterday. Ā Shaina has been trying to organize some sort of Europe trip since I think freshman year of college. Ā And sheās been out of the country a million times so I know she knows what sheās doing in terms of planning and budgeting. Ā The real kicker is that weāll all have jobs that allow us to actually save up enough (Iām assuming my freelance stuff works out, give me this), and weāre young enough right now to not care about staying in cheap hostels. Saving $300/month for the next 10 months sounds reasonable, and I think weāre all genuinely serious about it. Ā And not like high school serious about it, where we couldnāt back these plans up. I mean achievably serious. Ā And Iām excited.
I thought last year was exciting, what with living in California for a year, and officially being on my own, and knowing that for once in my life I wasnāt going back to school at the end of the summer. Ā And it was, but by the end of it I was left wanting. Ā I felt like I had gotten complacent in California, like life was good but I wasnāt challenging myself or striving for anything I couldnāt easily achieve. Ā I felt like I had settled for a lot and like I was spinning my wheels and not going anywhere. Ā And I think those are fair assessments. Ā I also think I needed to feel that way in order to convince myself to jump into things like this. Ā Because I donāt think I was ready to make these kinds of choices this past year. Ā Otherwise I wouldāve moved straight to the city like so many other people have done. Ā But I needed to feel that long term stretch of sameness and not moving up at all that came from Santa Maria to make me itch for a big city. Ā To make me know that my chance to try out different departments and go for those things I keep someday-ing lies in a major city. Ā My route to not being a sad TD for a regional theater in some land locked state lies in New York or Chicago or wherever else I end up. Ā The choices Iāve made this summer feels like jumping the tracks and getting me out of that rut that leads to regional TD-dom, that I just kept seeing myself trudging towards during college and in Santa Maria. Ā Theyāre me hatching, like Shaina said. Ā Theyāre me letting myself be an adult for the first time in my life, and loving- not without fear -but openly nonetheless, and chasing my gut feeling that a different department will hold more happiness for me. Ā Theyāre risky, but I feel so much happier even just knowing that Iām trusting in myself enough to take those risks anyway. Ā No matter what happens, and I know it could all go wrong, Iāll still be here and Iāll get through it. Ā If it comes down to it, Iāll stand up on the other side and make new plans from there. Ā
Iām ready to fight for this. Zag on āem.
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Douchey selfie from last week cause Iām feelin myself atm ā
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The Safe Choice
Yeah so Iām moving to New York. Ā I had the interview with Norwegian and they wanted to set up a second one with me but I turned them down and said I had accepted another offer. Ā Because seeing that email about setting up a second interview made me feel stressed out again. Ā My gut reaction was disappointment because it meant living in New York wasnāt set in stone. Ā So I finally just stopped entertaining the safe choice of being on a cruise ship and I stopped giving these two potential job offers such power over how fucking stressed I am. Ā I took some charge in which path I go down rather than letting them keep stringing me along and stewing in stress. Ā I picked a road. Ā And Iām excited about it. Ā
Also terrified until I hear back from Juilliard with a hard yes or no about whether Iām gonna be employed. Ā I think itāll be another two weeks before I know for sure. Ā More limbo. Ā Iām just so ready to jump the fuck in to actual planning. Ā Feel like a runner waiting for the starting gun to go off. If I get the job I can budget for real and know what stuff I need to buy for the job and have a hard start date so I can plan if I have time to travel beforehand. Ā If I donāt get it I can hardcore apply for jobs and plan some travel time anyway. I just need to know first. Ā So I think the best thing for me to do is just be very present here for the next two weeks. Ā Dive into the people here and the work Iām doing right now. Ā Enjoy Charlottesville for what it is and what it has here for me in this moment. Ā Which I should be doing anyway but itās especially dumb to miss out on all that because Iām stressing about something I canāt speed up a response to. Ā And I really like the people here this summer. Ā They arenāt jaded. Ā Theyāre excited about their work and theyāre ready to learn and grow and arenāt tired of it all. Ā Which hasnāt been what Iāve been hearing from my friends who are currently in or finishing up grad school. Ā They just seem so tired of it all. Ā I think after my time at PCPA Iām so ready to fight for this. Ā I think what I learned from this past year out of undergrad, taking these safe choices with people I already know in places Iāve already worked in positions I know I donāt want to keep working forever...Iāve learned Iām sick of taking the safe choice just because itās close to what I want to do. Ā Iām ready to start taking actual steps to try the shit I want to try. Ā Iām ready to make choices that allow me to take some charge of my life instead of doing things that people expect me to do. Ā Being afraid of making the big, scary, risky choices that would actually get me somewhere I want to be. No, not even being afraid- but being so afraid that I donāt just...do it anyway. Ā So thatās what I feel like Iāve done with this NYC choice. Ā I know lots of people who are gonna scoff at me for it, but Iām not going into it starry eyed. I have escape routes planned out and as permanent as this choice feels, nothing in life is fucking permanent. Ā I can leave anywhere at any time. Ā I can apply for jobs in literally any other city any time this feels like it isnāt paying off. Ā I can break up with Tony if the relationship isnāt good for me anymore. Ā Iām gonna be so fine. I think I have as realistic of a view of the situation as I can without being in the middle of it. Ā Iām tired of not doing things because I think other people will think Iām dumb for taking the risky choice. Ā I want to live my own life even if it ends up tripping me up sometimes. Ā Fuck em. Ā Iām excited. Ā As uncomfortable as I am right now not knowing and not being able to plan, I know I made the right choice because I havenāt given it a second thought. Ā Havenāt felt anything but relief regarding that. Ā
As far as Tony goes weāve technically started dating again, even though I donāt think we ever really stopped talking to each other like we were together. Ā I know Iām in a different headspace about it all now that itās not a relationship with an end date from the very beginning. Ā Itās just normal dating now. Ā Plus the added variable of sharing a room. Ā Iām a little concerned about certain things changing because of all that. Ā By that I mean there are things we did because it wasnāt as serious of a thing that I kinda liked and donāt want to morph into the way normal relationships go. Ā I.e, I liked being kinda self sufficient within the relationship. Ā I liked that we didnāt need to spend a bunch of time together. Ā Like it wasnāt something I felt like I was obligated to do. Ā I liked that we could talk about other people we had dated and stuff like that thatās usually hard to bring up with a current boyfriend. Ā I like not feeling obligated to say I love you all the time. Ā Not feeling obligated to call every day. Ā I guess I just like the atmosphere of still having a choice. The choice to have alone time or not feeling like you need to do anything because this other person requires it of you. Ā Do it because you want to do it.Ā
There are some things Iām kinda looking to be aware of in my own head about now that this is a more serious relationship. Ā Like facing why Iām afraid to be unabashedly in love with the guy. Ā Why pretend like youāre not as into him as you are? Show him that love, dude. Ā Keep striving to be as direct and open about everything as he is because that shit is so refreshing. Ā Tell him things as it is. Ā If you donāt like something, donāt pretend otherwise to save some chafing. Ā Gotta be honest. Ā Donāt fall into not having your own life independent of his. Ā Cause you want to have your own foundation that heās a plus on top of, not have him built into your foundation. Ā Be happy on your own first and foremost, and then have it be that much better cause heās also there. Ā Find things you like doing on your own. Try to be more yourself when youāre at home, I know you hide little things like singing and whatever other goofy quirks. Ā He either likes them or he finds them annoying and if youāre gonna have this be a serious thing you might as well lean in and be properly serious about it. Ā Better he knows the whole you sooner than later. Ā You can find out if itās gonna keep working or not.
Anyway I think being scared in the way that I am is good. Ā Iām scared because itās new and because itās an important choice in my life thatās getting me closer to things that I actually want to do. Ā Itās giving me more options, itās letting me take as much control of my path as I can. Ā Itās exciting and terrifying but I have so many ways I can pivot to save myself if things start to get rough. Ā And I donāt mean difficult, I mean stagnant or taking a wrong direction. Ā Iām ready to grind and fight for the privilege to have a career that Iām passionate about and that I love doing. Ā Iām recharging by being around people who seem to feel that way too this summer. Ā Iām on the verge of jumping into the not safe choice and thatās thrilling. Ā Iām gonna make it happen. Whatever thatĀ āitā shapes itself into.
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Trust in Tomorrow
Iāve pulled out of that nosedive from a few days ago a little bit. Ā āBreaking upā with Tony was really hard, and Iām so dumb for thinking it would be any other way but that. Ā Maybe not dumb, because I knew in the back of my mind that it wasnāt gonna be a clean break by the end of it but I sure ignored that and left it for future me to handle. Ā So here I am handling it. Ā And I think Iām actually doing just that. Ā As rough as that first week out of California was (and it was rough) I think Iām thinking about all of that at least in a healthy-ish way. Ā
And let me add that the other factors making that week supremely stressful were the looming interview with Norwegian, picking up everything and moving. again. leaving behind the safety blanket that was santa maria, going from that to a job that was, in my head, a mix of dreary and giving up a little. Ā Trying to 3/4 get over Tony when I knew neither of us wanted to, and 1/4 consider the fact that we might be living together by the time we get to August. Ā Not to mention finally sitting down in the middle of that and actually reading Fatimahās post about Juilliard, realizing it was a fucking sweet ass job that sounds so right for right now, backtracking because I donāt want the reason I want this job and 180 degree turn from the cruiseline goal I had set my mind on since December to be because that would guarantee I would be living with/dating Tony again. Ā Then being nervous about if Iām living there and we break up. Ā Being stuck in New York. Ā But would I really be stuck, because living in the city sounds like an adventure in its own right so itās not like Iād be giving up anything really. Ā And while Iām at it- fantasizing about living in new york i might as well throw Tony in there because that would make it even cooler, there are so many things we could do together there and Iām sure heād have so many ideas too. Ā But all of this is just speculation because I havenāt even had the cruiseline interview yet, but do I even want it at this point? Ā Do I turn down a job that I, in theory, will get an offer for even though this Juilliard thing sounds so much sweeter? Ā Why the fuck canāt I consider moving there because Tony is there? Ā As long as thatās not the sole reason and Iām not giving up my dreams for him, which Iām not- partly because I donāt even have a solid grasp on what my dreams are yet and also because itās not like trying for Juiliard would be a stupid dream to follow. Ā Itās no low bar to have an indefinite job at motherfucking Juilliard in NYC. Ā And Iām so qualified for the position they have to email me back. Ā Iām so sickeningly close to just full on believing that even though Iām afraid of the alternative and how much that would make me cringe if they never did get back. Ā Which is an option...
Obviously Iāve been overthinking everything lately. Ā And I needed that brain dump. Ā Because that, combined with the advice Iāve been begging to get from friends and family this week kinda feels like it might be settling finally. At least somewhat. Ā Let me be brutally direct with myself for a moment. Ā
Hereās what I know.
I want to move to New York to be with Tony. Ā Iām tired of this Schrodingerās boyfriend situation. Ā I know that thereās a big risk in moving into his room in the city because we could break up at any given time, not that it felt like we were heading that way any time soon in good ole Santa Marie. Ā I want to travel while I can. Ā Moving to New York would be travel, although on a smaller scale. Ā
Ok. Ā So I think that means turning down the cruise line job. Ā Even though I have my interview literally tomorrow morning. Ha, maybe it will make it easier to know that I donāt really care what their answer will be. Ā In fact, a no from them would make my path pretty clear.
In the meantime, while I wait to hear a response or even a lack of a response from Norwegian- I should back off a bit from talking with Tony like weāre still together. Ā Give myself some breathing room so that I can really see if I want Juilliard for me, rather than for the opportunity to be with him still. Ā Donāt tell him youāve basically already decided to move to the city with him at this point. Ā Only do that when youāre sure youāre sure.
I want to move to New York for the opportunities it offers. Ā Or so the legend goes. Ā I say New York rather than the generic ābig cityā that Iāve been saying recently because living with Tony would be the easiest housing/moving option for right away. Ā Cheaper because I wouldnāt have to find roommates. Ā Small upside of that is the roommate would the boyfriend who didnāt want to break up with me either.
If I turn down the Norweigan potential offer, it would give me more time to hear back from Juilliard. Ā If I donāt hear back from Juilliard after turning that down, I would still move to the city to try and freelance while reapplying for everything under the sun, first and foremost cruise lines. Ā Take the best offer and who knows after that. Ā One problem with this particular daydream is that it wouldnāt be any easier to leave him again if/when I did get a different gig outside of New York. Ā I donāt want to leave that thought just for future me again. Ā Living with him for longer and then leaving for any job would be very hard to do again unless something big changes. Ā Just something to keep in mind. Ā But you can do it, heās just a person and there are so many people to love. Ā Hard to face, especially when you donāt want to be away from someone or over someone- especially someone who is still into you too. Ā But itās true and accepting that will help if it comes to that again at some point.
I havenāt been sleeping well or very hungry since I left California. Ā I can tell Iāve curled into myself a fair amount because of the stress. Ā And pathetically enough for those first 3 or so days, largely because of the pseudo break up. Iām trying to be aware of that stress and how itās affecting me, trying to still be healthy and treat myself fairly. Ā Trying not to get stuck in a brain loop or have all these thoughts running through my mind all the time. Ā That part is much harder. Ā I havenāt been successful with that and itās been showing. Ā Hence the poor sleep every night and hence the nausea. Itās all just on the back of my mind all the time. Ā I know worrying about which path Iām going to take isnāt helpful because thereās nothing I can do to change anything at this point. Ā I have no new information to help sway my decision, and I will be fine whichever choice I do make. Ā I need to try to be present and to focus on my work and building myself in my few months of being single because yes we did break up and yes you have all of this time to yourself, you just happen to be filling it with Tony and Macy because itās been so hard to let go of the last year. Ā Because it was a great one. Ā But youāve gotta be present in your friendships here too because theyāre so much more temporary and youāre gonna be a Jill and miss them because youāre being too self destructive about living in the past year- even though it has moved on. Ā Thatās not to say totally leave Tony and Macy out of your life, but just send them a message or two and then keep your phone out of your hand for long stretches of time and be present instead of trying to drag them here with you through the phone. Ā Call them on a whim every week or two to catch up on so many things. Ā But live for those things in the between times. Ā
Donāt spend all summer suspended in freefall, waiting to find the ground. Ā You donāt know if or when these companies will get back to you and you canāt do much to control that. Ā So donāt worry about it. Ā No really. Ā It sounds laughable but stressing is doing you no good. Ā Maybe set a deadline for how long you wait to hear back from Norwegian before you tell Tony that youāve decided to go to the city. Ā Assuming you donāt find that a crazy idea after this week or so of waiting to hear back from them. Ā There- give it a week after the interview if you havenāt heard anything from them. Ā See what your options are for giving a delayed answer or start date to Norwegian. Ā Maybe you could start after a few months into the fall if you havenāt heard anything from Juilliard by then...
There are just so many factors that planning is doing you more harm than good right now. Ā Again, laughing in the face of your whole lifestyle but I swear to god this infinite stress loop youāve caught yourself in is helping no one.
Breathe. Ā Give things time. Ā Trust in tomorrow. Ā Everything will be just fine.
Live your summerstock, talk to them when you can but donāt live your life to talk to them. Ā Make them wait, because theyāre probably living their lives too and thatās just how these things work.
Tell Tony in a week. Ā Next Wednesday. Ā Youāll be fine.
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Two Roads Diverge
I donāt exactly know where to begin. Ā I guess just that the last few days Iāve felt like I wanna crawl out of my own skin. Ā And I want to say itās not because of Tony but I know Iām lying to myself pretty hard when I try to pull that shit. Ā Leaving Santa Maria was way harder than I thought it would be at all. Ā Blindsided me a bit. Ā Iāve been feeling real down since then. Only three days since my last day there if you include the last day. Ā And I will because I was a mess all day then haha. Ā I think this is the closest Iāve felt to being broken up with, Iām realizing. Ā Even though this is what we agreed on from the start and I know we both still want to be together. Ā Weāve both been talking to each other as if weāre still together which isnāt surprising because I might be moving in with him in New York City in two months if this cruise ship interview doesnāt work out. Ā
Matt Koenigās speech at graduation really struck a chord with me. Ā As graduation speeches always do with me for some reason. Ā The whole thing was about how to tackle fear. Ā There was a part where he was saying that people always get stuck between choices because theyāre afraid to make the wrong one. Ā And he urged everyone to make any choice anyway, just pick one. Ā He quoted Robert Frost and saidĀ ātwo roads diverged in a wood and I, I...didnāt take either because- long ramble agonizing about the pros and cons of both- so Iām still right hereā. Ā It was clever and kind of just clicked for me because I always agonize about things. Ā If I learned anything from Tony this year, and fuck did I learn from him, itās that exact thing. Ā Just do something. Ā Especially if you know what it is you want, stop considering that other choice cause youāve already made up your mind. Ā And for the love of god be honest with yourself, be direct instead of dragging out a bad feeling because youāre scared. Ā Mark Booher got me with a line in his speech at brunch too, just because the weight of leaving in a few hours sitting on my shoulders. Ā Knowing all the goodbyes I had ahead of me and especially not knowing how Iād be able to walk away from Tony instead of just staying for one more minute indefinitely. Ā Tony sitting right next to me while Mark was talking about what it meant to love working for theater. Ā He described love as enjoying something past the point of it just being fun anymore. Ā It just really stuck with me. Ā But with all that on my mind how could I think of anything but him sitting with me, knowing he was feeling just as rough about leaving because he had straight up told me instead of pretending he was feeling anything otherwise. Ā Enjoying being with someone past the point of it just being fun.
That what it was when I walked into that relationship in November. Ā Just a fun thing to enjoy for the remaining six months. Ā Not that I didnāt think he was cool to be around or talk to but that was just all it was for me at the beginning. Ā A funny friend who happened to be attractive and I could mess around with sexually. Ā No real pressure, and we kept to ourselves as much as two people can who live with each other. Ā It was really nice. Ā And then I slowly kept finding more and more things about how he is as a person that kept opening my eyes about how I live my life and that shaped me in some ways because of that. Ā Like Iāve said, heās direct about whatever it is heās feeling, he just does things he wants to do without agonizing over it first, heāll find some wildly different way of thinking than how he currently is, heāll dive into it and then reassess before he goes totally crazy about it and swings too far the opposite way. Ā He lives like he designs, Iāve noticed. Ā Huge, grand, impossible ideas at first and then catches himself and pares it down to a distilled version of that first over the top concept. Ā Heāll fight a differing opinion very hard at first but if it makes sense deep down heāll give in to it sooner rather than later. Ā He apologises readily. Ā Heās so so distracted by tv, the fucking adhd loser. Ā But he will register that youāve said something every time. Ā It just takes a second to get there. Ā Stubborn about his cigarettes when heās drunk. Ā Knows better when heās not. Ā Always singing and dancing and coming up with stupid character voices and with each and every one of those he takes them so much farther than I would ever think a person could. Ā So far past dumb that they just inherently make me laugh and I hate that he wins me over without fail. Ā Obsessed with classical art and movies and basketball. Ā Overthinks everything or doesnāt even think about it at all. Ā I could go on, believe me. Ā Anyway Iām pretty messed up about I guess limbo breaking up, to the point where I want to just sabotage this interview or turn it down and dive headfirst into The City and continuing to have fun with him. Ā Because I know if heās started changing me this much in only six months thereās so much more of that to come. Ā And I love it.
I feel crazy for wanting to drop everything and stay with him because Iāve never had the scales tip strongly enough in favor of doing that over pursuing career options elsewhere. Ā But going to New York wouldnāt be a throw away by any means. Ā Ideally it would mean freelancing or even this Julliard staff carp job that Fatimah just sent me. Ā It looks like thereās work there itās just scary freelancing work, and scary committing to moving into Tonyās bedroom after only dating him for 6 months and scary turning down a cruise gig that pays so well for not knowing where your next paycheck is coming from in a huge intimidating city. Ā But the alternative is literally making me sick the last few days. Ā Iāve felt sick and have zero appetite because right now feels like trying to start moving past him, and I donāt want to do that at all. Ā Even if that means giving up touring on a boat in Hawaii for 4 months. Ā I just am so afraid of getting this job and being a freelance tech again like 7 months after leaving Santa Maria and having him move on or moving on myself. Ā And then having no option for cheap housing there with him. Ā I couldnāt move in to his bedroom again after 7 months apart right? Ā Thatās crazy to think thatās possible.
Here I am agonizing. Ā Itās all Iāve been doing the last couple days. Ā Probably why Iām feeling sick. Ā I think I need to 1. be honest with him. Ā I think it may have been dumb to break up on Sunday. Ā I think maybe we should wait until we know for sure if I have that job with Norwegian. Ā I just want to talk to him like we have been without feeling like Iām being clingy. Ā And if weāre both feeling it and thereās no concrete reason why we shouldāve broken up- especially since moving in with him is very much still on the table- why not just stay dating...long distance... for another two weeks or so. Ā 2. make a choice. Ā Pick a road regardless of the chance it may be the wrong one. Ā Because when in life are things so dramatically right and wrong? Ā I think either way the world will still spin and Iāll still be here. Ā So once I even know if the cruise ship place is giving me a real offer then all that means is I have a choice. Ā And all Ā I have to do is pick a road and start walking.
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Artistsā Dreams
I just saw La La Land with Tony and we were talking about how itās an artistās movie. Ā It was made for artists, for people forgoing the life path that makes sense for instead the one that calls to you from somewhere more ethereal. Ā But itās hard to pay the bills from the ether. Ā Knowing that you could be full well making a stupid, romanticised decision that everyone taking whoās a more conventional path sees for what it might be. Ā An unrealistic dream. A mistake. Ā It just hit home a lot, knowing that mental struggle of- when is it time to grow up and face that you might have made the wrong choice...
Iāve been thinking about my quickly approaching future a lot lately, since my time at PCPA is coming to a close. About what it is I want, and how the fuck to end up there. Ā Too bad itās not so straightforward. Ā I wish I knew exactly what I wanted but I really donāt. Ā I donāt have a department that calls to me as the right fit, and messing around trying to find that right fit is not only hard to do in a professional setting, but also feels like Iām going nowhere for a good bit of time longer. Ā
But even as Iām writing this, that doesnāt feel true. Ā Going nowhere would be not trying something new. Ā Would be just bowing my head and taking ATD jobs without even trying a new department first. Ā So maybe I am doing alright. Ā I think Iāve grown a bit complacent since graduating though. Ā Which isnāt a bad thing necessarily, but I think that a balance between the insanity of undergrad and the comfort of where Iāve been the last year is important. Ā
Iāve hung up my hustle since leaving the structure of school. Ā I donāt have someone else forcing me to complete their goals by a seemingly infinite number of deadlines anymore. Ā Which is so promising, because now I can set my goals to accomplish instead. Ā I just need to hold myself to it and, yāknow, actually set some goals. Ā Iām asking a lot of the job field and if I want a dignified response to what Iām asking, then I better start putting in some work instead of just holding my hands out and continuing to be disappointed in the results. Ā And I have to start digesting the idea that Iāll probably need to work a job that I donāt want to work on the way to finding the right fit. Ā Be that a muggle job or just more carpentry work until I figure myself out.
Thereās more to this train of thought but I think this is succinct enough and I donāt wanna ruin that. Ā Hereās to dubious choices and unclear resolutions. Ā Post grad life is a whole new animal and I think I might just now be beginning to get my bearings. Ā Weāll see how wrong I am about that.
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Pls enjoy this dope ass picture of me becoming a California skate rat in this Ross dressing room
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Resolutions 2017
Iāve been doing this style of new years resolutions for I think three years now, if you include this one. Ā So two other yearsā worth. Ā I know I posted 2016 to my main blog but Iām not sure where 2015 is. Probably in a notebook somewhere. Ā Or in my Return to Sender stuff maybe, idk. Ā Return to Sender being my project in the form of a shoebox under the bed where I write letters to clear my head or get shit off my chest when thereās a lot going on up there all at once. Ā Usually fairly emotional haha. Ā Sometimes written to people, but I never send them or show people these. Ā Hence return to sender. Ā Anyway I like having an outlet like this to make my desire to tidy up my brain, and my goals, and my desires for myself into a rudder to at least get me started for the new year. Ā Rather than continuing to drift like I tend to feel happens as the year progresses. Itās a good way for me to sit down and talk to myself about the parts of me that I like where theyāre going and to be real for a second and have a pep talk of sorts. Ā Thatās what resolutions are for me anyway.Ā
Hereās what Iāve got this year:Ā
work on your posture. itās gonna better reflect your confidence if youāre standing like a real human rather than all shrunken in on yourself to avoid being noticed. be noticed. itās ok.
put yourself first.Ā stop making decisions based on what you think other people will think of your choices. Ā remember the earring situation, it worked out just fine and youād never done it over the last 4 years because you thought people would think you would never be the type to do that. fuck all that, if you wanna do something, youāre the type to do that thing.
follow your gut.Ā in all things. if it feels right, itās probably right. Ā thatās proven true so often, you should just full on lean into that. and if youāre questioning something, itās probably wrong. two sides to that coin. donāt ignore that part just because itās easier to not change the status quo.Ā
be more direct.Ā i know thatās not your default setting but you can feel it when youāre making any number of situations harder for everyone just because someone wonāt come out and say something bluntly and honestly. Ā itās just always better to rip that band-aid off. just fucking do it. i donāt care if itās awkward for a second. it will always be better than dragging it out. and you know it. stop deluding yourself into taking shit for longer than necessary.Ā
feel guilty sparingly and say sorry less.Ā i want 2017 to be a year of taking no shit. Ā stop feeling guilty about something that canāt be changed; that you wanted to do, that you only feel bad about because someone else wants you to, or because thatāsĀ āhow it should beā. Ā your situation is unique and guilt only causes stress over something you canāt change. Ā and if you can fix it, then do something about it instead of feeling guilty. Ā as for sorryās, only say it if you mean it. Ā you donāt owe that to anybody unless itās genuine. Ā and half the time, a thank you fills that sorry space just fine.
be unapologetically yourself.Ā i think you spend a lot of energy trying to please people. relationships, coworkers, friendships. just be you and youāll find out sooner who likes you for you, rather than the edited version of yourself, whoās trying to appeal to everyone and be generically agreeable. Ā Like what you like, even if it feels dorky or like something you shouldnāt be into. who cares. you like it, you like it. donāt worry so much about what you think people are thinking of you. Ā And make sure youāre not forfeiting your lifestyle in a relationship.
masturbate more.Ā sex is important, and itās kind of an area youāve been ignoring. or just not putting nearly as much focus on as everything else. know yourself and what you like better and better sex will follow. balance is important everywhere and youāve left this alone for too long.
So thatās where I ended when I wrote this out on paper on the 31st. Ā But in the last couple days Iāve thought of two more.
be present.Ā you live in your head a lot and sometimes that causes more anxiety than good. Ā sometimes youāre stuck in a situation for a certain time and nothing will change that. Ā so if you stay present and focus on the here and now of your situation, itās harder to blow things out of proportion. Ā itās also just a nice thing when you catch yourself slowing down and focusing on the quality of light, the color of the sunset, the sound of dead leaves rustling in the trees, feeling the sharp clarity of cold air on your skin and in your lungs. Ā it just takes you out of your head and you feel like you are where you are for a moment. youāll never be back exactly there, so savoring that more often is a beautiful thing.
give more compliments.Ā it costs nothing and makes somebodyās day. Ā thereās literally no reason not to outwardly express those thoughts you find yourself having the instant you see them in public. Ā āher makeup is amazing, thatās a really cool jacket, your hair is beautiful...just say it. Ā you love when that shit happens to you. Ā all it takes is breaking that self imposed mental wall around you that keeps you separate from the public when youāre out doing something.
I ended my written resolutions with this paragraph. Ā Mildly embarrassing to share publicly, but I think Iām going for transparency so here it all is. (I used goddess because thatās what I told myself when I was riding the high of absolutely nailing this fake interview/portfolio presentation I had to do for work. Ā Plus itās true :P )
You are a goddess and should stop giving the time of day to anyone who thinks otherwise. Ā Youāre at youāre best when youāre accepting and forgiving of yourself, and focusing on your best qualities. Ā Know that you are worth a lot and never let that leave your head. Even when you make mistakes, even when youāre intimidated or nervous. Ā You are worth so much.
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I like what Rosianna Rojas does with her youtube channel. Itās a place where she catalogues her day to day life in a meaningful way, and I think the lens of collecting your thoughts with the intent of speaking to an audience is a big part of why itās so put together for her. Thatās what Iām after. Somewhere I can look back and remember, but also a place for the present me to collect my thoughts and check my bearings as Iām traversing daily/monthly etc life.
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Hi, I'm making this a personal blog in the hopes that I'll use it more often. I think I had it too specified before but basically I wanna use this as the same thing, but with lower standards of post quality... I could phrase that better. With less pressure on making a post that perfectly exemplifies a memory, and more posts of things as they happen. Think of a travel journal but the traveling is through my early 20s, cause god knows it's been a bit of me trying to find anything I can latch onto to feel less lost since graduation. Anyway, cool. Here we go.
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