jacquiquotes

[jacquiquotes]

The art of the backhand

Jacqui:        Clancy did you cut your hair?

Me:              Yes.

Jacqui:        It’s quite short.

Me:              It is.

....

Me:             Don’t you like it? I’m happy with it.

Jacqui:       Well... as long as you’re happy.

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Blind

Dad:        Do you remember when we were kids and they used to tell us things like “masturbation will make you blind”?

Jacqui:    Why do you think I wear glasses?

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All over tan

*Whatsapp from Jacqui*

Jacqui:      Nothing like sailing naked! *picture attachment*

Me:            No. She wouldn’t. *Clicks to open message* Me:            OH JESUS NO!

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Leggy

Jacqui:   The skin on your legs is beautiful. Shame it’s not on your face.

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Doggy Heaven

*Calling out our recently deceased dog’s name up the stairs* 

Jacqui:         PIPER! ...I mean TILLY!

Me:               Oh no mum. Piper isn’t up there. She’s up there *pointing towards heaven*

Jacqui:         No she’s not. She’s in a shoebox at the bottom of my cupboard.

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Instagram

Dad on the phone:        Hi Darling, can you *please* like some of your mum’s Instagrams. She’s very upset you haven’t liked them.

Me:       I liked them all yesterday.

Dad:     No she’s put up some more this morning that you haven’t liked.

Me:       It’s 11am.

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Nature vs Nurture

Jacqui:     Now I feel I should apologise to you because it’s all over the news... if I had breastfed you as a baby you would be earning more money and have a higher intellect.

...Then again your brothers were both breastfed and look what good it did them.

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Festivities

Boyfriend:      I'm looking forward to spending Christmas with you guys this year. Jacqui:            Oh yeah... Who invited you? I didn't invite you.

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Working Man

Jacqui:     Promotion work is great Darby, you just need to show off your personality... or make one up in your case.

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Poison

Me:       My friend ate a bad oyster on his birthday and got food poisoning. Jacqui:   Oh that's terrible. I got that from bourbon once.

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The Return Of Jacqui

Jacqui:      My friends say you haven't updated my quotes in ages. Me:            That's because you don't say anything anymore. Darby:       What about that time she threatened to stab someone with a fork? Jacqui:      That pregnant woman was so annoying.

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Special

Jacqui:        It isn't a very good photo of you...you look like a special needs child in the second picture.

I look good though.

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Bonding

Jacqui:      Tell us about your love life, I love a good laugh.

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Mother Nose Best

Jacqui:     Take that nose ring out, you've got a pretty nose. ... well not a pretty nose, but it's better without the ring. 

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Confused

Jacqui:       Hi! I was just ringing to say that your new flat is very nice, your housemate seems great, that pub you took us to was lovely, you're looking good at the moment and we really like your boyfriend. ...

......

Me:           I... sorry... what do you want?

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Childhood Insights

Me:            Hi mum, when I was a kid how did you make me go back to sleep if I woke up crying? 

Jacqui:      Drugs! 

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Saints Weep

Jacqui:    I'm not drinking tonight. That will be the third night in a row. It's like a miracle!