jamij0

[jamij0]

meditate. crave cheese. draw incense around yourself. look into ur future. forgive. rewire negative thoughts. explore pinterest. drink ur milk from the mini fridge. stay on top of journaling. listen to massive attack. try ur best to be okay.

[jamij0]

Watching Happy Gilmore 2. MJF just murdered Eminem. This is a very unusual film.

[jamij0]

phenomenal how many guests and celebrities were in this movie. you’d almost think adam sandlar was dying and that this was his farewell.

[jamij0]

perfect representation of when the intuition strikes

[jamij0]

Uncle Drew (2018) (uncle drew played by kyrie irving)

**** keeps turning on movies he likes and falls asleep halfway through. the basketball players were in such good prosthetic make up that the only one i recognized was shaq. not trying to say i would’ve name dropped all six basketball players but the makeup was impressive. the movie had it’s charm and humor, but it’s more about the love for the game and how it grows old with you. im barely into basketball but it’s a good watch for those who are……..

mr. handles himself

[jamij0]

i havent posted on my blog in months so here’s a lil hair update. it’s finally getting long again :^)

edit: second pic i was going to kitty rave for adri’s bday

[jamij0]

watched Road Trip (2000) last night

it had it’s moments, but i hated the “this happened back in the day” narration. i’d be into the movie then it’d cut back to Barry from the future being a freak and i’d be like… wtf am i watching. i think it could’ve been way more successful if it stayed in one present tense following the story, then at the end showing where they all ended up. also Rubin Carver #smash #smash #smash. my favorite moments were his scenes (nonchalant personality) and when they visited Barry’s grandparents. grandpa on his box tv watching “ass ass ass ass” and then knocking down everything with his boner he couldn’t put away. maybe top scene for me is when grandpa and Rubin were having a talk, grandpa went along the lines of “pass that doobie, you think too much with ur brain and not ur dick and balls” and Rubin opened up about how hard it is being an intellectual. he waited for a response and it cut to Grandpa zoned out off one hit watching the dog talk to him like a human. just classic bullshit. wouldn’t rewatch but it was just fine.

From Teen People, June 2000

[jamij0]

made a huge post about my trauma as an emotional release and had amazing eye opening dreams until 3pm

[jamij0]

got some reversal herbs for a candle and under 3 days i woke up to someone i called out over a week ago, getting called out by the community they’re in*

[jamij0]

this album carried middle school jami. listened to it a bit tonight and it gave me that tangent. i shouldn’t have any embarrassment or guilt in what i’ve struggled with.

[jamij0]

sometimes i repeat the same things that have happened in my life in my head, trying to track it all before it gets blurry. i think of the simple thoughts that backtrack the mind, which prove childhood development matters. i think “what if i had a solid childhood, what would the mind scape be like?”

today i remembered clearly how i was the day i turned 20. i had so much light and love in me despite my environment, never talked to my parents like i agreed with myself on at 17. i had such a flow and power in me. the day i turned 20 i dropped and broke my phone. it changed the entire trajectory of my life. for the next four months, i tried so hard to get a brand new phone. i went to metro pcs about 5 times with the money i saved up. the problem was my mother. she’d start arguments with me out in public, in front of the workers, all because she didn’t like the idea of me paying that much for a phone. “phones shouldn’t be that much” though it was the fucking price of a fucking phone. it cracked me. everything i thought i was healing from my teenage years and before didn’t matter. leaving your daughter stranded in public, no car, no phone, crying for 2 hours and having to text a situation-ship who just did you dirty through strangers instagrams because there were no public phones. i had to get a ride home because walking would’ve been so unsafe. she took all my power from me. i remember 2 weeks before this, i tried to explain to my dad what was driving me crazy. i wanted to have a monthly responsibility, a monthly payment. i wanted something to hold over me to get me ready for adulthood. it didn’t make sense to him because my mom swore it was over me being stupid enough to pay that much for a phone. i walked into my bedroom and my whole entire nervous system was shaking, it was cold. how could a woman let her daughter not use her own money to buy something essential. i felt like i was losing my sanity. and i did. i had a psychosis. a psychosis that my mom let me embarrass myself with. i didn’t get help for 2 months straight. my home state Virginia is now traumatizing to me. i had a complete show at a beach with family out of my mind. my mom swore it was demonic possession until something in my psychosis told me to make my sister call the police. that was my first time staying 2 weeks at a psych ward. the medicine gave me hives all over my body and didn’t even fucking work, i was swollen with a limp eye by the time i came home to georgia. “home”’ you mean the trailer that doesn’t have a ceiling or floor in the kitchen, with a dining table stacked to the brim of my mom’s hoarding problem and not a care in the world for how many drawers aren’t used because we’ve leased them to roaches? right.

before all of this, before i turned 20, i was doing so fucking okay. i was so cool, meditated, thoughtful. i disassociated myself with family, focused on friends and the things i loved. my mom saw one opportunity to ruin me and she did.

in kindergarten i had a hard time being social, i had a speech impediment. my parents then tried home schooling me. i did that shit for one week because my mom never tried to sit down and teach me. the first time i went to school was the second grade, where i sat at my desk where everyone else joined the carpet crying because i couldn’t write a single sentence which was the exercise we were given. write three sentences with the words you know. i remember writing mom. dad. and having the teachers stand around me. i had to take speech classes until the third grade. i wet the bed until the third grade too. i would later have a talk with my sister senior year where she was entirely plastered, saying how she would try to teach me my abcs and take care of me going to middle school because my parents were always too busy on their computer. i fell in love with writing when my parents moved to georgia after my dad got swatted for a drug deal. in fourth grade i also developed a severe habit of maladaptive daydreaming which i still struggle with, going from a neighborhood full of kids as my only outlet to living in a single wide trailer with nothing but weirdos around. my first diary completed front to back was in the fifth grade. fifth grade was when the emotional abuse began. this would affect my entire life. i don’t even wanna say the words that were said that would make sixth grade jami lock herself in the bathroom for hours or seventh grade jami give herself uneven ribs from hunching over her bed to play the sims not wanting the laptop at the desk because i couldn’t bare the voice of my parents. it irritated me so fucking bad.

i could go on and on but i will say, i had about 3 years of detachment. i was failing 11th grade because i was so depressed i couldn’t leave my bed. i got a 0 in three classes that year. i asked the universe please let me see this clearly, why is my mom is like this? then a few days later we were in the jeep, i said my own opinion, and my mom broke out negatively again. this time i sat there and i noticed something very important to me. she was acting about a year younger than me. i stopped talking to her completely and it changed my life.

i would love to write about how well off i felt after practicing spirituality, balance, mindfulness. how i got into all of those things and peaked at 19. my meditations would be helpful, they’d come with a certain aspect of honesty that let my intuition see things the way they were. some things came to me as answers. true higher guidance truly exists.

but maybe, just maybe, there’s patterns we are taught as kids that weave our systems without recognition. because i could never help but still do the wrong thing. some factor of unworthiness i felt. which is the biggest thing i will need to forgive myself on next, because i will never have that level of guidance again. my brain has literal damage now because my mom finally got me. and a year into recovery i still think about the jami i lost.

done with the thumb journaling.

[jamij0]

move out inspo

[jamij0]

watched this while it was still in theaters. did that stupid old lady even think, she didn’t have to prove herself by walking out of the house and killing herself since staying inside was the thing protecting her family? she could’ve bought everyone so much more time. whatever… enjoyable to say the least. had a dream the guy with piercings was trying to hit on me after i went to bed. didnt even think he was hot but i guess the subconscious ate him up.

Final Destination: Bloodlines (2025) dir. Zach Lipovsky & Adam Stein

[jamij0]

Mid90s (2018)

second watch, July 6th. a few parts I still feel are plot holes, like why does his brother beat the living shit out of him? the person i watched it with made jokes for the next few days like… just don’t say t.y… You know why… which I think was silly since it’s the biggest takeaway they had from the comedy. the ending where the teen didn’t get in trouble for almost killing everyone under the influence, still being cool with all of them, doesn’t piss me off as much as it confuses me. no trouble? and we all still chill as fuck? right. i do like the movie a tiny bit though. my favorite character was Ray.

[jamij0]

Blades of Glory (2007)

watched this with undisclosed name and sure, i missed a part or two because of some sex. i watched from the middle to the end and i will confirm, cinema peaked. something about a comedy that’s unique in it’s nature yet delivers without seeking any validation. this is a definite rewatch for me.

[jamij0]

comfort food

oh and btw, im about to cum

spoiled myself with the best portion size of my comfort food

tuna+mayo+pickle juice, bread, tomato, milk…

[jamij0]

#19 i welcome you with joy.

i attempted #18 over a year straight for various reasons. it was my first journal after my disability came to light and it never felt okay. i had discarded the first attempt which was sketchbook styled like #10, then the second attempt which was in a wide ruled (gross) journal gifted to me. the third attempt just didn’t sit right. i had to give up to give in.

this journal already has the flow i seek. from one of my favorite brands (have 4 of these in different colors) with my favorite g-1 pens. i wrote a few times on my blog about how writing has started to hurt my hand. somehow, sucking it up, that pain has subdued itself and i’ve been writing endlessly. i believe #18 was cursed for me, as it was a transitional period i wouldn’t wish on my worse enemy. im letting it go nearly 65% incomplete.

to many more pages, and to my hand which i hope recovers with me… nineteen.