#blogjamijo

[jamij0]

im grateful my ego rests in moral compasses and fixtures set up for me. i know my humor, my stance, my place. im grateful im able to remind myself of things outside of my caricature. to think of new things and constantly chisel your stature is a quality i deem and am grateful for. just a lot of gratitude when i start to reflect. in a small way, i continued to asked for more normality in day to day life and i feel like my stay reset my gut and mind. again. as in im currently trying to harness a more clear spirituality i kept. pushing away from control and focusing more on what’s best. gratitude for the things im soon to realize and familiarity with the things ive kept in my person for good.

[jamij0]

my eyes hold so much now its kind of scary how experiences will change ur face. its dramatic of me but i seriously get such big eyes. sometimes i look in the mirror and im like why are my eyes sanpaku now lowkey… the white under my iris is so bright but now it can be expressive. my eyes respond, my eyes speak, my eyes linger. the windows to the soul and my soul is older than a lot of these rocks

[jamij0]

i backed up the article i was draft writing in december for my blog, i thought it was forever on my shut off macbook. when my instagram was taken down, i started to use this as a form of social media when it really should be a tool for expressing what’s on my mind in great detail. ill rewrite this article when it comes back to me. right now i want to clean my blog so i can realign the purpose of it.

[jamij0]

please universe, may this reflection of my childhood trauma bare what it’s meant for. may i understand my adult self better through work, through reading, through exploring, through learning. may my brain trickle with the juices of the berry, devouring the knowledges that lay forward and not the challenges of the behind.

[jamij0]

Pissed because why did I delete this (I know it’s because I couldn’t find the second word and I know politics are about to get extremely nasty.) This was genuinely my best article because I love studying the literary concepts behind Adam and Eve. I fell out of making articles a month into this blog but notice the caps? How everything changes? Now you’re telling yourself, Jami actually has intellectual capacities we can’t dismiss. I still have them. Oh you think me going psychotic and sexually intimidating police officers to plead insanity means I’m not still thinking about everything to the degree of which it deserves? I’m not thinking about you bitch. I’m thinking about how our phones plastering modern intersubjectivity in our face makes us believe we don’t have to take the time to study it ourself- so of course A.I. breezily took over, so of course no one who claims to be political is thinking for themselves. The state of being political is now a social construct of listening, instead of learning.

Sure learn their story, and theirs. Sure, watch their tik tok. I hate people like you and I think apart of my healing shouldn’t be holding things in. I hold in a lot of things so when I go insane, I look like I’m making stuff up. If you learn from other peoples stories, you are making yourself a pot stew of ego that inevitably faces challenges from not understanding who you are. You listen to a story, you see if you resonate, you go LEARN what they’re talking about, whether statistically, historically, or literally. They dropped a bill? If you care about it, go read that shit. They talking about trans rights? Do you even know about the Berlin Wall? Oh yeah Tik Tok puts people on the platform who don’t want to study their own rights either. I haven’t been on Tik Tok in 3 months. Everyone politically listens to everyone else, who listened to the people before them. Politicians were supposed to change the system. They don’t lead mob fans who go “Ha honestly that come back to the party was sick.” What THE FUCK ARE WE EVEN FUCKING TALKING ABOUT ANYMORE ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS.

Also Adam and Eve, studying the end of the world, etcetera. reminds me of someone who I think is just scared of me. So when I send a photo of naked legs, that could be me making a joke with myself. Oh, I forget, my brain is not that big and not everyone can understand what’s behind it. Cause maybe my nature is kept to a level not even a loved one fully gets behind. That’s my own flaw.

[jamij0]

Card of Day

im ngl ive been using this app that lets me pull one of the 52 tarot cards recently and im always gifted great advice. but yesterdays was physical as i did some with ally cause i have a new deck; i pulled the lovers thinking about all of us hanging out again (which is bingo). balancing some things out by letting my gut pick a card and im happy as of currently. (saying all of this as i violently puked at 4am too).

[jamij0]

The Hard Knock Life

accidentally made my boyfriend cry a tad with a nap cause i trauma dumped about why i go psychotic. i thought my parents wanted to kill me but as im bipolar 2, i think the threat by them has always been in me and it makes me primal to defend myself on a different level. i cant understand what makes it happen until i talk about something silly and political, maybe like that black lives matter essay i wrote in the 8th grade that was entirely statistical because i wanted to be a politician. then i remember how, since the age of 10, anything that was of my own political opinion was greeted with “Shut up you dumbass brat. You don’t know shit about what we’re talking about.” As I exactly knew, cause I looked it up myself. Cause my heart laid with the wronged and not the self righteous. I could never talk to my parents about what I’d study, what I wanted to do. And I gave one example to hubby and it killed the entire mood. because I had to explain the babe I smashed a mirror cause I was going to attack my dad for feeling threatened by him. How was I supposed to do that in a funny story. I’ve never taken care of my mental health after my first relationship ended. that was like my first taste of my bipolar 2, to developed. but I did suffer years of depression before I magically became social. it’s a super power to get over trauma, not to make the storm during the red blood full moon stop at yours at 3am (👀 too medicated to argue with myself on this one). I just hope my medication stays. the first time they didn’t give me shit that actually worked. you’re telling me I needed lithium and now i’m all the flavors of jami? no fucking way.

[jamij0]

i dont get my psychosis prone bipolar because the people i only, ever think are there to harm me are my parents. the rest of it is realizing how heavy sex trafficking is everywhere. i just become nuanced to who’s what; i outed a woman for raping her son in the ward and she responded so guilty. i literally plead insanity so clean though. that shit be fresh. was offering for the police officer to come in the ambulance… that’s all they needed to not charge me. freaky ass bitch. i become so fucking freaky sexually it’s not even funny to a certain extent.

edit: i forget i have pretty privilege because that would be my 3rd time using sexual intimidation against an officer.

[jamij0]

its hard to detach spiritualism from mania. especially when everyone is talking about the slave ships in the psych ward and how i came to reckon, the irish ancestors on my dads side were def some slaves at one point before these slave talks. i feel so potent about the chains we have on minorities and it’s so irish of me to be that progressive, as the irish usually are in their own country anyway- away from england, away from the war crimes, just some hot cillian murphys and drunk dancing. i am always expressing gratitude that my spiritualism is here with a great intuition and moral compass though.

[jamij0]

meanwhile me because why did a world power associate religion with demolition. also my political autism from middle school be like:

also i am so higher self when i say this: they are doing the end of what they want the “end of the world” to be so bad… why we doing world war 3 on… when… nvm. not my business. cause for what’s to happen, can happen. and that’s why ive never been basic. too in my head, my entire life, about this dumb american shit. what do u mean america was based off the bodies of minorities and used to money launder every country in the entire world?

[jamij0]

okay. i am spiritual to the point where i know christianity advanced because it’s extremely existent in society, as it mirrors us. we are spiritual and chose monogamy as our board. and that is the game we play, a life or death co bonding. it’s interesting how it speaks of adam and eve because the game of life is about creation, abundance, and the end. and the end is always a beginning! so when you go crazy or hit yourself, lets say thats mental imbalance. it is not a sin. it’s something we experience as a conquering fear. so when we experience light, it is not always the tunnel. it’s always something we are sure of, and certain of.

edit: i am very christian sometimes cause i can tell when people will face eternal reckoning or will simply go to their deserved “heavens”

edit edit: that example i used is a thought i have had about myself before and others. it’s just a real example

[jamij0]

id go to school for anthropology if i didnt understand that we should be more scared of technology itself taking away the need for researchers than A.I.

edit: if everyone can learn anything, when will we need an anthropologist in the next 50 years. we all believe we study society cause we do…

[jamij0]

ever since timothee chalamet and kylie jenner started to date, ive upped my stance on how the social climate of humanity will never be the same again because how do we mass bully a young girl into changing her appearance to resemble her older kardashian sisters then change the narrative completely when she’s able to profit off of these hardships. it’s so fake woke of everyone to act like 2016 hip hop didn’t transmute the culture into even believing that some people “weren’t appropriating black culture” as a liberal… hitting the quan? baby everyone was hitting the quan. you can not judge this woman who has obviously adjusted to cultural changes through her lifetime and see her heal, comment on your perception of her, and try to act like she doesn’t have that light. she’s obviously been healing things deeply. good for her. timothee needs to get over travis scott though. i see it on him. they are complete soulmates and i will always wish them the best, since i saw them at that tennis game or whatever. parasocial jami logging off…

[jamij0]

reading how someone jerked off to my face angrily when i was in psychosis last year even though i wanted to clear the crazy allegations

[jamij0]

ive been having non binary awakenings since a kid. i remember watching the descendants end scene and wishing i was those guys. the guys were so cool, it was a different admiration. then in the seventh grade i cut all my hair off… cause i swore i was a they/them. and im not gonna lie. just dissociated again about how i wouldve been so okay to be born with a dick. then i had to give myself a long look in the mirror after i jaw dropped at my dissociative masculine features. my brain wants to be both sometimes and that’s okay. and i’m going to remain a female because i was born a female, and that’s okay too. cause it’s what i want to do. no clue how i’d compensate these lost lonely feelings in this political climate that’s anti expression. not my consequence to let devour me. there’s no way i can be a guy when i feel like it because i don’t have balls and then i get really happy i have boobs. it’s an okay life i live.

edit: being so deadass it has to be my brain chemistry

[jamij0]

Jesus Things Are Changing

and thats not me saying hey jesus. im saying god damn. cause idk… proof in the pudding. you really need to trust the things youve always felt to be true, cause when they conspire in your life again it will be another doomed tally. it will be another cycle of defeat. and you will have to embrace the weird changes in your spinal cord, from the the tip of head to bottom of foot. you will have to release your inhibitions and feel the rain on your skin. you will have to let yourself die a little, as things always make you do when faced with discomfort and challenge.