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[jazorbe]

thoughts out here #2

Always unappreciated. 

I’m not a perfect person. I make mistakes most of the time, even if I try so hard not to. But is that enough reason not to appreciate all the efforts that I make? Effort to be better, effort to show my love, effort to be there for someone as much as I can. 

I am told that I’m always the the first one to leave, how could I not if I don’t feel like my presence matters at all. 

[jazorbe]

thoughts out here #1

How do you know when it’s time to give up already? I have tried everything, but all efforts never seem to work at all. It’s like no matter how much I try, I will never be enough. I’m tired. As much as I want things to work, I am tired.

[jazorbe]

splurge list #1

I’m really not an impulsive buyer. I do research and read reviews about a certain product that I want as much as I can. I make sure that I’m checking out the most affordable but most high quality product before I hit that check out button, but sometimes we really have wants that are kind of out of the budget. In this blog, I’m going to share with you my Splurge List a.k.a the-stuff-that-I-wanna-save-up-for lol

First in the list is the MANGO Shoulder Pad T-Shirt.

MANGO Shoulder Pad T-Shirt • Php 1,295 (Photo credits to MAGO)

I’ve seen this shoulder pad shirt from different fashion stylists and Instagram fashion accounts and I knew the first time I saw it, I’m probably going to buy it. At first I tried searching for cheaper alternatives from Zaful and other online shops but they really don’t have this one. I finally saw one in MANGO and I was so happy about it! But I’m still contemplating if I’m going to cop it since it’s kind of pricey for a shirt but I’m also thinking that I’m probably going to abuse using this one if I ever buy it since it’s very basic and versatile. You know what I’m saying? So yes, maybe on days I feel like I deserve to spoil my self, I’m probably going to check this out of my cart (can’t wait for that day tbh lol). I can imagine wearing this with mom jeans + either a cute block heels or a flats + messy hair bun + cute ass mini bag. Day off in the office kind of look.

Second is the ORSEUND IRIS Tube Tank in Ivory.

ORSEUND IRIS Tube Tank in Ivory • Php 9,873.62 (Photo credits to Orseund Iris)

This top will probably stay in the cart forever. It’s just too expensive for my lifestyle and right now I’m really trying to look for a cheaper version of this. Okay, hear me out. I saw a dupe for this top last time but I wasn’t able to cop it since it got sold out pretty fast! I’ve been seeing a lot of Orseund Iris dupe tops (of course, those are the ones I’m checking out since I can’t afford the legit ones lol) on Shoppee, but this one is the only exception. I just hope the shop that I saw a dupe for this last time restocks. 

Third is the Charles & Keith Classic Envelope Wallet

Charles & Keith Envelope Wallet • Php 1,799 (Photo credits to Charles & Keith)

This one is a need. I’m really not the type of person who spends so much on wallets but I think this one will be worth it. I tried buying cheaper wallets last time but I was only able to use it in a short period of time so I realized that If I’m going to buy again, might as well buy a high quality one. I hope Charles & Keith won’t disappoint. I really love this kind of wallet since it’s short and foldable. It can fit in small bags, I can put all my cards, bills, and coins all in one. Plus the color! So classy.

Fourth is the Marc Jacobs White Monochrome Snapshot Bag

Marc Jacobs Monochrome Snapshot Bag • Php 17,099.38 (Photo credits to Farfetch)

Another stay-in-the-cart product on this list. But I’ll probably buy a knock off version of this one (which I’ve seen in Shoppee since I’ve been obsessed looking for dupes for this one lol) because look at it... it’s so beautiful! It looks so sleek, so clean, so classy! This bag will probably go nice with any outfit since it’s monochromatic. I love it! 

Now we go to the sneakers, fifth on the list are the ZARA Flat Leather Ankle Boots with Track Sole

ZARA Flat Leather Ankle Boots with Track Sole • Php 4,500 (Photo credits to ZARA EU)

Honestly, what I really want is the Bottega Veneta chelsea boots but we gotta be real here lol. So, I tried to search for cheaper alternatives but with high quality materials and true enough, ZARA have these beautiful boots! It just looks so sleek and comfortable. These will definitely make my lazy look more put together, I can probably wear this with a body con dress + high white socks + sleek updo and gold accessories. I just hope this one becomes available already here in PH.

Sixth are the Converse Renew Chuck 70 Ox.

Converse Renew Chuck 70 Ox in “Egret” • Php 4,889.42 (Photo credits to Converse)

Sustainable. This beauty is made up of undyed factory scraps! Aside from that, this is one of the latest releases from Converse and it’s not even available yet here in the PH. Would definitely cop this one once it’s available. I can imagine how many outfits will fit with these bad boys since it’s very versatile and by the looks of it, comfortable as well. These definitely are going to be the type of pair that will be abused! I had a pair of Jack Purcell last time but it didn’t actually last and unlike the chucks, Purcells don’t look good when worn out. Hope this one’s different! And I hope Converse releases it in PH immediately (while I still have the money lol).

Seventh are the Adidas Supercourt RX

Adidas Supercourt RX • Php 7,500 (Photo credits to Adidas PH)

I’ve always wanted my own pair of chunky shoes and when I saw our photographer from one of our shoots wearing these, I knew I had to get one also for myself. Aside from the fact that it looks good, the reason why I love these bad boys is because it’s the type of pair that you won’t really see any dupes for. It’s very unique in its own ways and I don’t see much people hyping up over it, which weirdly enough, I like because that means that not much people have it lol.

Eighth are the Adidas Ozweego TR

Adidas Ozweego TR • Php 6,400 (Photo credits to Adidas PH)

Stylish & Comfortable. I haven’t tried wearing a pair but I know for sure that these ones will be comfortable. And with this color, it will match every outfit! I can imagine wearing these for one of my shoots or whenever I feel like wearing something sporty and stylish. I’m honestly contemplating which one I’m going to buy first from these two Adidas shoes. EJ and I are actually planning to buy the same pair for this and I honestly can’t wait! I can imagine wearing these with a white button down + biker shorts + a small thick strapped bag + gold accessories! A mixture of comfy & made up look.

Last on the list is a pair I made from Nike by You

Nike React Infinity Run Flyknit by You • Php 8,995 

I mentioned in my past blogs that I’m really planning to continue working out and focus on my fitness even after the Quarantine and of course, I have to cop a pair of trainers for that. I really love the idea of the Nike By You since it’s really made exclusively for you and only you have the design, plus the fact that you can have your name on your shoes, I mean??? lol I chose Nike React Infinity Run Flyknit since it looks very comfortable and it looks sleek. I can probably use these even outside the gym. I’m honestly still contemplating if I’m going to get this one or the Adidas Ultraboost 20 but that one’s more expensive and it’s not even customized yet. I don’t know, we’ll see :) 

That’s all. I hope my bank account saves itself from all of this lol. 

Much love ♡

[jazorbe]

Always.

It’s 3AM, but I’m writing this anyway. Maybe because for once, I felt like I’m ready to forgive and let the pain go. I’ve been holding on to this for so long already and I realized, it doesn’t even help me make my relationship, my mental health, and my heart better. But as I let go of it, just want to share with you also some of the lessons I and Ej hardly learned from all of it. Here it goes...

You don’t have to be perfect to be loved. I can’t count how many times I thought that Ej doesn’t love or care for me anymore or how many times I questioned his love for me. I always asked for reassurance from him. But I realized, he loves me the same way as before so why do I keep on asking this to him over and over again? It’s because I’m the one who feels like I’m not lovable enough. That I’m very easy to let go. But in reality, Ej holds on to me whenever I give up. He honestly held onto our relationship tighter and I was the one who always wanted to leave. We’re both not perfect, I’m far from perfect. It was easy for him to love me but it was hard for me to believe. I was the problem. So, instead of pointing out each other’s flaws, we talk about how to deal with it. We’re both not perfect but at least, everyday, we try. We’re both not perfect but we truly love each other.

Stop carrying old feelings into new experiences. Past traumas really find their way to fuck you up. But mine’s different. I had a long serious relationship before Ej and that one really gave me so much lessons when it comes to dating. I thought that maybe I should carry those lessons into my relationship with Ej because those are my learnings and lessons anyway. But I was wrong. My relationship with Ej is different, his views are different, his love is different, today is different.  

The answer is YES. His love language is different. His views are different. How he expresses his love is different. We’re different from each other and I shouldn’t expect him to love me the same way that I do. The only things that I should expect from him is to be loyal to me, to love me, and to show it in the ways he knows how. And I promise to be grateful for that. I promise to look harder whenever I feel like it’s not being enough because that’s Ej, that’s the love of my life the same way that I am his. I shouldn’t let my expectations make me feel and believe that he doesn’t love me or care for me anymore because that would be unfair and painful for the both of us

Communication. I just want to reiterate this to myself & Ej. Communicate and understand first before you let your feelings consume you. Hear each other out. No matter how long it will take, no matter how crazy, how irritating, and how frustrating it gets. Just don’t stop communicating until everything becomes okay. 

Also, don’t forget to tell each other how the day went. This is just too important for me because this is how you get to know the person based on what he talks about with his workmates, how he bonds with his friends, how he is with his family. Because you can’t be with each other during those times, and the least you can do is just talk about it. No matter how unimportant you think a topic is for you, it’s important! Especially if it involves people who are the reasons behind each other’s trust issues. Hmm...

Need I say more? But I’m honestly proud of Ej and I. We started as a couple who rarely fight, turns out, we’re not really telling each other everything that’s why we don’t really fight lol. This ECQ is honestly bringing out the worst in both of us and dealing with all of our shit combined is hard. Plus the fact that we can’t see each other... it’s honestly just insane! I don’t know how we are able to deal with all of it but I hope we continue learning and growing together. 

Terribly. Immensely. Awfully. Extremely.

I just want to see you, hug you, and kiss you. I just want to make up for all of our fights and pains. I just want to see you at our office stairs waiting for me to go down—always ready to give me the warmest hug and the sweetest kiss followed by “San tayo kakain?” every night. Times may be tough for us now but always know that my heart will be always be yours. I love you and I will choose you. Always & Everyday, Edward.

[jazorbe]

May 16, 2020 • ECQ Day 63

I’m grateful for myself. For being strong, for choosing to love even when it sometimes hurts, for choosing to forgive even if the process of doing so is hard, for realizing my worth, for not settling for less, for staying, and for always trying. Time will heal all wounds but the lessons will stay — these are what I’ll always be grateful for. 

The process of accepting things I cannot change is definitely hard, but I know it’s not impossible. I never knew new normal would be this way for me & for us but I know, we’ll eventually accept it and the growth that comes with it.

Much love ♡

[jazorbe]

May 13, 2020 • ECQ Day 60

I have nothing to be grateful for anymore.

[jazorbe]

May 11, 2020 • ECQ Day 58

There’s only one thing, or should I say person, that I’m grateful for today. Edward.

[jazorbe]

May 10, 2020 • ECQ Day 57

I know it’s been a while since the last day I listed down the things I’m grateful for, so here we go again. The things I’m grateful for for the last five days: 

1. Compromise & Communication. One of the reason why I wasn’t in the mood to write the past few days was because Ej and I had a huge fight - honestly, it’s different issues in one fight lol - but yesterday we talked about it and finally got in good terms today. We’re still trying to work things out but I’m grateful to have someone who’s so willing to fight for our relationship whenever I get tired. I know we’re far from perfect and there are days when I go 80 and he’s at 20 and there are also days when he goes 90 to complete me at 10. I’m happy because I can see how we both matured through time and that we’re doing it together. Here’s to the fights we’ll overcome together (but pls Ej, if you’re seeing this, just not another girl. It’s painful ok. He didn’t cheat, don’t worry. It’s just my overthinking self hurting.)

2. 2gether w/ Maiko. Maiko and I watched 2gether The Series together (thru video call) and then we talked about places we want to travel, business ideas, theatre, and everything that we usually talk about whenever we were at the UST field. I miss doing that. Talking about literally what goes in our minds. It’s always a breath of fresh air doing that, just like what we always call it — sane talks because it’s the kind of talks that keep us sane.

3. Daily talks with Mama. Honestly, I miss her everyday. I’m always wishing she’ll come home and be here with us for good. But it’s amazing how she can radiate such love even from afar. One day. But for now, we wait.

Much love ♡

[jazorbe]

8,000 miles away

Hi. I know it’s been a while since I last went here but honestly, I just want to greet all the strong, brave, and beautiful moms a happy mother’s day! They’re truly a gift from above with every motherly things that they do.

Here’s my mom. She’s abroad and it’s been 8 years since we last celebrated this day together personally. To be honest, we all got used to it already, we’re used to celebrating virtually, calling each other and talking thru the phone in every celebration that she’s not here with us. It sucks, but we’re used to it. It’s something that I don’t want to be normal but it needs to be. It amazes me though because even if she’s miles and miles away, she can still make us feel her love even from afar. How possible could that be, right? Well, I guess it’s a mom thing. One of my dreams is to be like her or even half of what she is. She inspires me to be great in everything that I do. As cliche as it gets, I’m really the woman that I am right now because of her. Our family isn’t perfect, but her love knows to bounds, knows no distance, and it truly knows how to remind us that she’ll always be there for us — virtually for now.

Happy Mother’s Day, Ma.

[jazorbe]

I fuck with Dakota Johnson’s style so hard.

[jazorbe]

May 05, 2020 • ECQ Day 52

The things I’m grateful for today:

1. Lazada 5.5. Lol! This one really made me happy but also triggered my impulsivity. I checked out a Collagen drink at 10 in the morning. But honestly, I’m really hoping this one works because who doesn’t want clear skin, right?

2. That Derma talk with Edward. I’ve never tried facial treatments and I’m so excited with this one! Plus the fact that Ej wants to do it with me. But honestly, it’s very pricey and I hope it delivers. ECQ please let us live!!!

So, today is another episode of hating my own skin and finding out the best solution for my acne scars and recurring break outs. Sad. My skin used to be so clear, almost glass skin! So this one’s really a big deal to me. But I’m definitely doing this for myself and not because society thinks that acne and scars are ugly, I just really want to feel good about myself again. Here’s to self care!

Much love ♡

[jazorbe]

May 04, 2020 • ECQ Day 51

It’s a very unusual Monday for me. I usually hate Mondays since it gives me so much anxiety and I’m just lazy to do anything the whole freaking day, but this one’s different. For this specific Monday, here are The things I’m grateful for:

1. My mama. It’s her birthday today! And honestly, I’m just grateful for her existence every day. This woman is the strongest woman I know—actually, all women in my family are strong & badass in their own ways hehe— and I’m no way near her. It’s very unfortunate that we weren’t able to celebrate together since this pandemic really cancelled so many important plans in everyone’s lives. It sucks. But I will always be grateful for my mama every day, and I know, soon, we’ll get to celebrate the 4th of May together again. May the force be with us!

2. It’s a very productive Monday. This. This is the reason why this Monday is unusual. I was able to finish work and was able to bawi my workout!—I slacked off and binged eat for two days lol— but please always remember that it’s not necessary to be productive everyday. God, I’m unproductive most days! But I keep on telling myself that during this time, I should prioritize my mental health more than anything else. You should, too.

3. That Charlie Chan for Dinner. That’s it. Food never fails to make us happy, indeed.

That’s all. Much love ♡

[jazorbe]

May 03, 2020 • ECQ Day 50

The things I’m grateful for today:

1. Our virtual game night. I’m such a sucker for bondings with friends and family, as a person who didn’t really get to experience this when I was young since my family isn’t really that close to reach that point. I’m always happy whenever we do something we don’t often do like travel, eat out, etc. no matter if it’s with friends or family. Today, we did a virtual game night and my heart is just so full! Definitely the perfect way to cap off this week.

2. EJ’s effort. He delivered (I mean grab & not technically him lol) my favorite Charlie Chan for me today because I’ve been craving SO MUCH, it’s crazy! I still don’t get how he had it delivered but I can’t? I mean, I’ve been trying for days! That’s why I was so surprised about it. My heart & tummy is happy. But definitely not my weight & muscles lol it’s been two days of slacking off with my workout and I have no regrets! Sorry not sorry.

3. Progress. It’s only been a day and it may be too early to say this but I feel like my trust issues and overthinking problems kind of progressed already. It’s not much but it’s definitely something to be grateful for. Here’s to getting better every day!

Much love ♡ (Even if it’s Monday again tomorrow UGH)

[jazorbe]

May 2, 2020 • ECQ Day 49

The things I’m grateful for today:

1. Groceries. Finally bought a freaking moisturizer AAAHH!! Also, bought so much snacks and we’re finally making coffee jelly tomorrow!!

Nothing much happened today. So, that’s all hehe. Much love ♡

[jazorbe]

April 30, 2020 • ECQ Day 47

Things I’m grateful for today:

1. Salary finally came. Need I say more? 

3. Rejection. That something is the main thing that’s been giving me too much anxiety and as much as I don’t want to, I’m really grateful it didn’t push through. I finally can breathe freely now! 

Much love ♡

[jazorbe]

April 29, 2020 • ECQ Day 46

The thing I’m grateful for today:

1. It’s a chill day. Nothing much happened today, I was literally on my bed the whole day chilling, listening to music, getting updates from friends WITHOUT any work messages - would you believe? - which also makes me kind of anxious from time to time but I realized, we don’t have to worry about being productive everyday especially at times like this. A chill day is a reward that comes in the most unexpected times lol 

Much love ♡

[jazorbe]

April 28, 2020 • ECQ Day 45

The things I’m grateful for today:

1. No anxiety episode. It’s kind of a chill day at work and I’m happy I didn’t experience any feeling of anxiety today. It would’ve been the worst since Ej had a very busy day at work and he won’t be there to calm me down, so yeah, very thankful for this! Here’s to striving to be better every day.

2. My last blog. That was my first time to write about fashion—which makes me genuinely happy— and I’ve been thinking about it the past few weeks. I’m happy that I finally got to let it out and share it with whoever will be able to read this lol.

That’s all ♡