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I care if I am guilty! . . .

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via

Follow me:

https://www.instagram.com/vnusualxo/

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death was carved into me at a very young age

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((Jakob right now actually.))

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i will never leave this house

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((Tried to write something about it but Jakob won't go near the guy. Tried to write him talking about it but Jakob refused and I'm like;;; Okay then why are you bringing to my attention this big feeling WITHOUT PROMPTING when we can't write anything for it))

((God muse feelings are so big today and none of them are good lol. Jakob very much wants to Do A Violence on Leo which is sort of out of character for him so idk where that came from.))

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((God muse feelings are so big today and none of them are good lol. Jakob very much wants to Do A Violence on Leo which is sort of out of character for him so idk where that came from.))

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Ruth Madievsky, All-Night Pharmacy

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Jakob had been about to go back to his own work, although it was really just a side-project to keep himself busy, before he noticed that pause. There were plenty of ways that Connor paused, btu that one was... not one Jakob had seen before. He wasn't used to seeing Connor taken off-guard, and definitely wasn't expecting something like that to come from what was a fairly benign conversation.

The information that followed was... interesting. Wait- That probably wasn't the right word. It seemed like a delicate topic. But seeing something new, some crack in Connor's usual image...

Jakob was built for autopsies, built to want to claw his fingers into open wounds and peel back the skin to find the root cause. Not by design, but by virtue of a creator always leaving a piece of themselves in their work.

He forced that train of thought away in less than a second, focusing back on the situation and the information offered. It seemed like the sort of thing that served his full focus, so he resisted the urge to look down, or away, or somehow break eye contact. "I mean, if someone managed that, we'd have bigger worries than my secret," he said with a slight frown. "But thank you for telling me. I know you'll... probably refuse, but I want you to know that I could try to make a program to add some extra layers of defense. It's an open offer, anytime, okay?"

Hm. He inclined his head in half a nod (acknowledgement) but returned to what he was doing, content to let it stay there; he would keep Jakob’s –

Oh.

The way Connor stilled was not intentional. He ran his hands over an old wound, caught between the promise to securely hold Jakob’s paperwork digitally and the sudden knowledge that actually, that was a promise beyond his control.

… Shit.

“Jakob.” He didn’t want to share this. Connor was very used to sharing things about it outside of his preference. He turned again, to face Jakob fully, “You should know, I won’t share it. But if someone were to gain access past my interface, and they went looking, I wouldn’t be able to hide it.”

Jakob knew, or at least had likely noticed, Connor did not accept interface requests (did not invite people into his head). This could not have been earth-shattering news. (Connor had simply never been designed with privacy in mind. He was an investigative unit. What need did he have to hide any information from Cyberlife? Privacy literally was not an option for him, before or after deviating, he did not have the actual capability.) “You should think about if that’s OK for you.”

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Far from pressure, it was a relief - an instant, emotional reaction before he had even fully processed the offer. Once of Jakob's rare honest smiles, without his usual nerves, lit up his expression once he had. "I'd really like that. Thank you, Connor. I'll get that sorted out tonight."

What could he really offer in return, though? They still weren't in a place where he could offer medical assistance, which was… pretty much all he was good for. But it was up to Connor if that was ever on the table again.

Jakob would have to figure it out later. Maybe even try branching out, learning a new skill he could use to repay him. But at least it wasn't one of the heavy sorts of debts.

Ah, that pause. Just long enough for Jakob to overthink, as usual. Some days the feeling of being studied in those short silences was bearable - even preferable, compared to trying to put things into words - other days it was like an electric shock, making him shaky as hell. He wondered if he was ‘passing’ the interaction (a thing that was normal to want and possible to achieve).

But he supposed it was Connor. He was an observer by nature. It was fine for him. It was not the same way Leo observed. Jakob had to focus on that.

“I mean, I’ve come across plenty of them at work. But a DNT would require me to… legally be an android,” he pointed out with a nervous laugh, glancing quickly at Connor (looking for judgement) before focusing his gaze down on the gadget he was tinkering with (afraid to find that judgement). Connor was so damn brave in pursuit of the truth of things. Jakob was sure his own lies seemed cowardly in comparison, but he was too deep in to blow up what life he had managed to build by revealing them.

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'My self' he's so right that it's important tho and tbh I wasn't intending for it to be when I wrote it but

Jakob feels like he owes the world for the sin of his life. He was created by a bad person for a bad purpose and every day his only goals are to survive and to make up for taking up space and energy. Every time he interacts with someone he feels the need to bring some sort of value and he often falls short of that need.

He's in debt just for existing in the first place, in his mind, and every day the debt grows. His very self is just one other thing. It's not objectification in the fact he's an android, it's in the fact that he's him.

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Ah, that pause. Just long enough for Jakob to overthink, as usual. Some days the feeling of being studied in those short silences was bearable - even preferable, compared to trying to put things into words - other days it was like an electric shock, making him shaky as hell. He wondered if he was 'passing' the interaction (a thing that was normal to want and possible to achieve).

But he supposed it was Connor. He was an observer by nature. It was fine for him. It was not the same way Leo observed. Jakob had to focus on that.

"I mean, I've come across plenty of them at work. But a DNT would require me to... legally be an android," he pointed out with a nervous laugh, glancing quickly at Connor (looking for judgement) before focusing his gaze down on the gadget he was tinkering with (afraid to find that judgement). Connor was so damn brave in pursuit of the truth of things. Jakob was sure his own lies seemed cowardly in comparison, but he was too deep in to blow up what life he had managed to build by revealing them.

‘Pretty obvious’, Jakob said. Taken for granted. Statements of fact about him which were not to be looked over.

“Got it,” Connor said, after a pause just long enough to settle on the way Jakob used the word my in ’my self’, caught on something. There was something there that Connor wondered about. It was not something he could ask anything about politely, and he didn’t have the question articulated anyway: just an instinct that pulled him short on that choice, 'my self’ with a gap between, there was a gap between the words there, instead of 'me’.

Property, maybe. The property of it all.

“Have you organised a Do Not Transfer? It’s a legally binding document. Think… like a DNR.”

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Of course Leo Walker didn't greet the android as it came in. The quiet coming from the man - barely a man, really, a teen, but he held himself with the arrogance of a man - was confident and unbothered, as if his hands weren't cuffed at all. Really, he expected they wouldn't be for long. Whether he could talk his way out, or whether he just spent enough time there for his family to buy his way out, he was sure that it would just be a momentary interruption in what was, honestly, already quite a frustrating night. After all, he had to find a way to get the scraps of his busted creation - taken as 'evidence' earlier that evening - and put it all back together again.

So he hardly even looked at the machine that circled him, more focused on checking his nail beds to see if any of the thirium from the fight was still caught in them.

He didn't flinch at the eye contact, too used to other humans doing the flinching. Of course, an android wouldn't. They lacked the capacity to pick up on his aura of control, in his opinion, and the presence of mind to react accordingly even if they did. Oh well. He couldn't get pissed at a machine for preforming its function, really.

That slight hesitance before 'part of my program' did catch his attention, though. Was it just finding the appropriate words to use? Or was there something deeper? Stress did seem to be a common element in the cases of deviation he had studied, and police work could be quite stressful...

Ah, thoughts for another time, really. "Of course I understand. I'm so grateful someone thought to call the police. I was in far too much shock to do it myself, even after I defended myself. Really, I never thought a crazed android would just climb in my room like that! Lord knows I'll be locking my window and putting my tools away properly from now on."

open! pre-deviant connor interrogating your muse 

They didn’t greet him, when he walked in. Quiet. This was Connor’s interrogation, first, which meant he had earned at least some standing with his colleagues; he did not intend to lose it. The door to the interrogation room slid closed behind him, and though he stood for a while to assess them (handcuffed to the table; what their posture was like; whether they met his eye), his LED remained a smooth and unbothered blue in his analysis. Connor walked full around them, something that could be mistaken for a prowl when in fact he was only gathering information about their body language, and then he pulled out the chair opposite them. It scraped on the concrete.  He sat, folded his hands in front of him on the table, and met their eye. Learning. If they were looking to see how Connor was feeling - what attitude he had walked into this interrogation with - they would only find curiosity. He had been built with curiosity in mind; he was an investigative unit.  “My name is Connor,” he ventured, first. “It’s… part of my program to discover what happened at the scene of the crime. Do you understand?” not a threat. Mostly. (For what it was worth, Connor didn’t want it to be. His mission could be achieved more cleanly than that.) 

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“A death plan? I never… thought about it before.” There were a few reasons for that, but…

“I don’t think I ever mentioned… how many times I’ve died before, have I? In all honesty, I lost track. But at some point, you stop thinking of yourself as someone who can die. Or- who can stay dead. Even that much is stolen from you.” His bitterness was clear in his tone. Leo had taken so much from him. Even after his escape, he wasn’t really free.

He took a deep breath and tried to smile. “But that wasn’t the question, was it? When I actually do die, it should be pretty obvious what my stance is. I want to be donated. As much of me as possible should go to helping people. I don’t think it counts as ‘living on’ to have my parts used - I wouldn’t want it to be, really. But I want to have every part of myself used to help others, in life and death. I’d like for some of my knowledge on repair and coding to be preserved in some sort of archive, but I don’t want any of my self to be transferred into anything else.”