jdizzleyo-blog

[jdizzleyo-blog]

Vision quest

The last thing my grandfather told me was that family is everything..

After the year of transgressions and the weeks of clarity I truly see that...

My Dad loves me with all his soul, but it just seems annoying and oversensitive to me...

Same with Mom... grandma...

Everyone who I've pushed aside lifts me up and no matter how much I feel like a God at moments I can't seem to get the understanding why...just stop is what I'd say..

But these moments of clarity..feeling free doing almost whatever helped me see..by the ladder end after weeks of telling them I do what I want and not on anyone's time..on this final day all I wanted to do was be under them laughing, hugging and spreading love...

I'm not sure how long it'll last but in this moment I'm so in love with them and wanna spend endless time with them. No doubt

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Twin flames

They can never really cheat because they're spirit as in one is always connected together.

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Meditation..

I never use my left hand...

During meditation I felt a weight fall into the palm of my that hand..

As I sat my left hip felt slightly uncomfortable...my neck as I tilted it to relieve some pressure I felt the snap on the left side but none from the right...

I'm right handed sooo needless to say I pretty much do everything from the right side of my body. For 26 years it has been that way...but maybe I can do everything I've previously done from my right side on the left; maybe even better! I've never tried or had any thought of it til after my session.

But...it really had me thinking..

My right side is my comfort zone, it's pretty stellar. Never thinking about how always using that arm has left me basically reliant on it...

And what if it might have been holding me back. Maybe if I used the other more I'd see that with a little effort I might have been a dope ass bball player. I might have been tiger woods on the golf course! Shit maybe even my masturbation sessions might have been more doper.

But after overthinking it(as I usually do).

Maybe that realization was meant to show me that I should step out of my comfort zone.. completely..

I've basically been the same guy since I've become a man...Well, until recently when I really noticed how important I am.

But what if I switched everything completely for the next 26years? What if I really walked in the power I own.. really asked the questions I needed to know? Really took out the anti in my social behavior? Then I'd have a COMPLETE strength.. strength to carry all the blessings I have and will receive with an ease and the entire distance...

And maybe that's where the consistency will come from.

[jdizzleyo-blog]

Year..

So fucking crazy how this year has been...from being in debt because of ridiculous club prices..like shits way to expensive; and a nigga get to generous after a couple shots..

From struggling with addiction, having mental breakdowns, crying over losing close people in my life, going days without showering, being ignored by the friends I had, and overall just being in a deep depression that at one point I didn't think I'd get out..

On the other hand..I jumped out of a moving airplane over the Chattanooga..river?..🤷🏾‍♂️

JETSKIING WITH MY FAVORITE PEOPLE ON THIS EARTH AT CAROLINA BEACH

SAVING MORE MONEY THAN I'VE EVER HAD..

SITTING ON A BALCONY FOR HRS A DAY LOOKING AT THE HONOLULU SKIES WITH MY NAMESAKE..

To honestly losing the friends I thought I need to survive..feeling anger because they turned there back on me at a really pivotal moment..to hating them and wishing for the worst to happen to them..or.. myself.. just so they'll feel that guilt ...

TO STRAIGHT HAPPINESS AND LOVE... CRAZY HOW A 3DAY FAST FROM NEGATIVITY, ANIMOSITY, AND CONFRONTATION CHANGED MY MINDSET

I TRULY LOVE THEM ALL.. I'VE BEEN PUTTING THESE SPIRITS IN MY PRAYS AT NIGHT..I WANT NOTHING BUT BLESSINGS FOR THEM ALL.. GOD IS REALLY GOOD.... IM TRULY BLESSED AND READY FOR THE JOURNEY THAT LIES AHEAD ...HE SAID THERE WILL BE A NEW WORLD WHERE MEMORIES OF THE OLD WORLD WONT COME TO MIND...AND IM TRULY FEELING IT...GOD IS EVERYTHING!

I love my life bruh...

Still sucks I still can't play the piano tho.

[jdizzleyo-blog]

Trans

Transitioning is rough, it's extremely hard..your life could be spiraling but you don't notice til after... I'm extremely blessed, extremely powerful.

There's an aura around me...it's hard for me to realize what it's meant to bring. My mind has been everywhere. It's' hard for me to be completely inversed into a single thing.. Everything thing I've been through, all the lessons I've received was to bring me to a complete understanding...

I feel now is a time for that leap of FAITH..I've always wanted to move to somewhere dope..I always wanted to bring power into someone's life... everyone's life.

For years I've been searching for something that I can't see or comprian...from VA to MS, NC and back to VA..I've been lost in these small steps; my mind's been off course. My energy has been getting more and more negative... And it took for a total break down for me to capture this breakthrough.

NOTHING BUT POSITIVITY....

I was mean to someone specifically that I thought would haunt me for most of my lifetime... now I know I was just lost in the moments of regret...

You try to walk people out of your life, then you start to push them..and after awhile when they won't leave..you just wanna tear them down as far as you can to make them think they're not worthy of being with you.. But..Energy is transferable.. and karma is real.

So that energy breaks YOU down, mentally and physically. Then you find yourself in a situation where you can't fathom not having this person around.. because your mindset is a mess..

But all I know is the moment I found out the person I hated to be with...and without.. was conceving life with another..

I was free....

Free of the guilt of taking someone down that momentary dark hole with me...

Free of me wondering if I was right to give up on them...

Free of any type of hatred I had in my heart for them..

Now I know I was right...we weren't meant to be.. they're receiving something I never wanted and they always wanted.. unconditional love..

We're in totally different galaxies now, GOD says new worlds will be made and they were, there's nothing I can say or do to cross that bridge again..it's truly amazing, GOD is truly amazing ...

God truly works in mysterious ways...

I'm so positive and full of love it's kinda crazy that I was the same man hanging onto the tiny bit of hope I had, glancing through the peepholes to see if anything new was being constructed. To breaking down the door with a fuck you mentality on a mission to make my own new world; then noticing that the bridge was already being constructed... leading me to a new life, new meanings and new people to share my love with..

How can someone who lost all of their friends....ALL..(like no hyperbole bro, ALL), struggle with addiction and multiple mental break downs all within the last 8months be so positive and true?

Because.. I'm a GOD and I've just started to come into my life in the heavens and it's been a long ...long journey. But I'm here now and it's time to build.

[jdizzleyo-blog]

Crazy LOTPAD

Crazy...was just listening to big l. Annnnd the only thing I could think was how this shit deserves a Pulitzer prize nodoubt...

I mean Damn got one for it's look into black life, which is good and definitely deserved (I guess)...but if you wanna go DEEP. Like to the gutter of black life in America...the raw, uncomfortable, unapologetic, roughness of so called ghetto life. This shits it....

5 songs in and when the grittiness of danger zone hits 1:22 it's undeniable..

HOW! How? How can someone rapping about hitting women, killing people and doing both by burying his own mother make me feel this way..?

Maybe it's the compassion I have for hood niggas who is trying to make the best out of the situation the government isolated them in.

[jdizzleyo-blog]

Me?

I'm mentally fucked up bro... Who the fuck is this nigga, I know..it's me? Idk wtf I use so many periods..I haven't talked to friends in weeks..I'm tripping over old insignificant shit. Like on some other shit my ex is pregnant, and It hit me that I'm alone...my family is 700 miles away, my friends are a lifetime away. Idk where I go from here..I wanna be love not loved. I wanna be happy that everyone is happy but I gotta hate them just so I can have shit to think about.. thinking is shitty... meditation is the key..my mental health is deteriorating..I can feel it like never before..I need to see somebody, talk to some but I don't wanna fuck up the meds that I'm already on...they make me happy..hope is always there but the shit I Invision never came true... crazy how hopes and dreams keep you going for so long that when you realize it'll never happen you lose all faith in your dreams...I cry without thinking now. Which painful cause you know it's completely from your mental well being..I just need to find the key and grow the fuck up bro...really nigga. Really

[jdizzleyo-blog]

Crazy...

I had a pen trying to write down my goals for the week...

So I grabbed this pen and started writing..well trying too....slowly the ink wore off and the first thing that came through my mouth was...I hate my life.

Just some clarity of that statement..this day has not been the best in my times..work headaches, procrastination wowes , and stupid mistakes have left me battling with my mental illness in many ways...

So as I tossed this rattty used up pen across my cluttered room I noticed a shiny black capped pen beside my bed..dope!

Then that made me think to myself how upset I got that the object wasn't fulfilling my needs and I felt slightly defeated not knowing that as I tossed my head to throw it a shiny one would be waiting for me to pick it up...

If I would've held on to it and tried a little longer maybe it would work..but maybe I would've just gave up and went to sleep, but with the aggression I had I couldn't not through it and I wouldn't have found better after the irritation...I'm sure I can analyze this better but I'm emotionally drained and tired so I'll get back to that tomorrow..

[jdizzleyo-blog]

And u gone and u thrown and u want let it go when da one that u love just walks out da doee so u zone in da zone wit patrome

[jdizzleyo-blog]

Wow

Listenin to…rella with my fellas gettin vodka screamin leggo, gettin fucked up cause all I ate was a eggo, yellows on my shoes and blues be on my shoestrang, thug ass nigga but im screamin out wolfgang, poptarts toaster strudlies chicken noodles waffles, green tea kool aid red bulls awful, talk shit bacon eatin cocaine sniffin nigger, I gotta big gun so dont make me pull the trigger

[jdizzleyo-blog]

Wow

Listenin to…rella with my fellas gettin vodka screamin leggo, gettin fucked up cause all I ate was a eggo, yellows on my shoes and blues be on my shoestrang, thug ass nigga but im screamin out wolfgang, poptarts toaster strudlies chicken noodles waffles, green tea kool aid red bulls awful, talk shit bacon eatin cocaine sniffin nigger, I gotta big gun so dont make me pull the trigger Trigger flipper, acid tripper, snicker picker licker, googoo gaaga musey tusey pissr

[jdizzleyo-blog]

My nigga

I.c.e. Done left the cup, to end up on my neck my nigga thats wuzzup, I.c.y. hes chillin wit me,

[jdizzleyo-blog]

Drug free nigga rappin about killin bitches only kill pussy tho ccause I dont fuvk wit snitches give me the money if you want da weed pop that pussy cause I wanna see give me a coupla dollas and ill flow out like a coupla maxis talk shit if u want da parrey parrreya dont u say reaal nigga real try to get up for da day

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Give me ur heart ill take ur hand make sumtime somewhere someday,.my love is balloon..helium keeps gettin bigger never pops, if u luv me I will never die keep me in ur heart n ill survive, never

[jdizzleyo-blog]

Ugh

You aint about that life, say imma fuckn g do not fuck wit me gotta big d but has a small wee wee cocaine be in my system, brain cells I donnt miss them, thug ass nigga rappin yall probably think im trippin, probably think im flippin on a bannana peel, to girls in da basement call me trill gotta mill think im real be fareal still alive steal I aim to kill I musta missed big ass nigga wiit a small ass dick ....want bananna feel against the will

[jdizzleyo-blog]

White trees

Free love Is in the buildin, better tell my mothers children, listenun to music in the basementt no hugs or love givin, nice little house but not that expense, coupla bowls around but there not in the kitchen, see some weeds now but its not outside, some white powder that was used to get high, thought it was pretty weird but never paid no attention, reminds of my moms when you stop and mention

[jdizzleyo-blog]

Clooset

Found the trap door but I jumped in the closet made a loud noise and he knows that I caused it he opens up the door and noticed the trap door lifted it quick and he thinks that hes scored jumped in quick slip fell on his ass closed the trap door and I jetted off fast slip and slide and got in my ride hesitating to crank it up what was up hes comin real quick what is up he opened up the door and gently got me he almost seemed to take the shit lightly like I didnt run away and try to leave quick I guess deep down I really wanted it he took me to the room and started to presume all the things he really wanted to after it was done he stopped and winked and after he had come I stopped to think discusted with myself is this what I really wanted had some gas and I couldnt even fart it