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Because even a family almost-perfect at the surface,

Because even a family who tries their best,

Because even being surrounded by a family who loves you,

Can make you feel so achingly alone.

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I've seen what happens when people Get Worse. I've orbited a lot of people who Got Worse (especially online). If you listen to people who Got Worse it's all the same: they don't have consistent, meaningful social support, they've been hurt too many times and they can't open up out of fear that the next betrayal is going to drive the knife right through the artery, they end up spending too much time alone and develop secret languages, meanings, thought cycles completely inscrutable to anyone who has never had to rely on such rituals to survive, they get caught in a cycle of reopening and licking their wounds because the progression of time is so unrewarding and stagnant that the past is basically always the present, and the present is already the future, they become mean, they become strange.

some people might offer to help them but it's rare they ever know where to start, let alone exhibit compassion without grimace. admittedly, even for genuinely compassionate people, it isn't the easiest thing. if the person is someone who is stuck in their ways or doesn't know you, they don't really have a reason to be receptive to your help. "why should I waste my time on someone who is just going to become another memory of heartache? someone who will carelessly hurt and abandon me?" and such. an earnest attempt to help can feel like an attempted assault to them. at the same time, the meaningful interpersonal relationships that these people need will not survive if built on pity or fleeting self-gratifying feelings of "building" someone into your idea of a desirable person.

I don't know where I was going with this, but I always found it hard not to see myself as only a few degrees removed from these people. one or two safety nets separated from being completely trapped. unable to feel safe in not just the world but also my own body. a cosmological dead end. I stay away from habitually engaging in the obvious things can that make trying to change when you're at this point difficult (alcohol, drugs, etc), but if temperance is how you maintain stability in the face of rock bottom, you're basically already there, right? you're there and your body just hasn't caught up. maybe I'm just being dramatic because it's late. hows everypony finding the new deltarune chapters.

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I'm crying Why was he giving him the shitiest advice in existence 😭

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I mean surely we all grew up feeling like there was a wrongness inherently deep inside us that will endure for the rest of our lives

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Illustration by Sophie Lucido Johnson

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Damn bitch you live like this?

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Something that will always make me want to cry when I think about it is Kris playing the piano

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I finished reading The Lord of the Rings for the first time in my life. With all of *vague gesture at everything* this going on.

I Am Not Okay

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i think all quiet on the western front and the lord of the rings are in direct conversation with each other, as in theyre the retelling of the same war with one saying here’s what happened, we all died, and it did not matter at all and another going hush little boy, of course we won, of course your friends came back

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The person who previously inhabited this body (and i dont mean that in a transgender way. i mean that in a... youll see). The person who previously inhabited this body died a while ago.

She always knew that she was alone in the world. She had two choices: save herself, or die. Well, she looked at saving herself. Its the first thing youd try when faced with this dilemma dont you think. And she tried her best, but couldnt do it. So then she tried to die, but she couldnt do that either. Instead, she would cut herself off from life, from connection, from sadness, from everything. And her soul would wither and die like it needed to. Whatever was left, the husk, would keep on going, living through this unbearable life, but this didnt matter much to her.

But the husk kept going. A new soul was not born to replace the one lost. Instead, think of it as some underling taking control after management left. It didnt really know where it was going. Or how to love, or how to feel. But it did know that it needed to keep moving forward.

The husk couldnt escape the life of the girl though. And it too, in time, realized it faced that same question. Save itself. Or die. And the husk too wanted to choose the first option, except that it was a little older, and it had money and it had freedom.

So here I am. Just trying to save myself and not die.

Ive done a lot lately. I started HRT about a year ago. I dont really know about this whole gender thing, but i know she would have liked it. I cant deny the brain fog has gotten better. At least when the testosterone suppressors are working correctly. Which isnt always. I tried a couple times to ask for different meds, or higher doses, but im having trouble standing up for myself sometimes. She was always better at that than i was.

When puberty started it was obviously a bad time for both of us. I remember we started growing a thin mustache and it made her cry. Trying ever to be helpful, i got the bright idea to try to use duct tape to remove the hairs. Thankfully our face was too greasy for that to work... She eventually mustered up the courage to go ask our dad for a razor. But she never liked the stubble it left. She taught me all the things about us that would never be good enough. All the things that would cause her pain. Its how i know what im supposed to be fixing today. I started laser hair removal a few months ago. It looks better now a little, i think...

When she made her decision to wither and die, i put on a brave face for the world because I didnt want anyone to hurt her. I was always good at my job. I never dropped the ball in school, even when shed cry us to sleep almost every night (or sometimes mid afternoon). I wonder, if i had maybe done a little less good a job, if someone would have taken notice that she was hurting. Someone would have cared. I was protecting her and she was alone.

I shouldnt be so hard on myself. Its not like i really knew what she was going through. She never told me about her decision. I just knew I had to take over more and more of the responsibility running the place when she could not. One day i woke up and realized i hadnt seen her in a while. I didnt look too hard. At the time it felt liberating. To not feel so deeply. Obviously, over time ive come more to terms with what ive lost. Its hard living without your soul.

When i was in college, long after she had left me, i attempted suicide. Kinda sorta. I told myself that id just figure out how to hang myself so id know how to do it if i ever needed to. The kind of lie you tell yourself to get started on something youve been procrastinating. Ill just sit down and write the first paragraph of this essay. Then once youre sitting there, and the essay feels inevitable. Why stop now. Just write the whole damn thing. Except in this case i think part of it wasnt a lie. My heart wasnt really in it. This whole suicide thing. When we were younger and she wanted to choose death. I was the one who couldnt pull the trigger (so to speak). Maybe i wanted to be prepared in case she ever came back and decided she wanted to die again, id have the bravery and the knowledge to make it happen for her. Wed go out together. She wouldnt leave me alone again.

I think about her coming back a lot. I only need to fix all the things that killed her and then one day ill turn around and see her there again, full of love. "Ive been back for a while now dear, how didnt you notice? Well, you must just have been so busy running the place while I was away. I like what youve done with it. Im so proud of you..." is what she might say to me. Its one of those daydreams you file under the same category as "winning the lottery", "what if i discovered something really cool and important", or "what if i had a boyfriend who loved me".

On my bad days im convinced that ill just have to live the rest of my life with a piece missing. We spent so much time together, I know that she truly died, she isnt just in hiding. They say when we die we live on in the hearts of our loved ones. I did love her, i think. Shed know better. Ive been crying a lot more lately. That was always like... her favorite thing. Im learning to like it too

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made a picture i will use a lot

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Tapioca Centimander Spotted Outside Quickly's

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frug

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where i live has a great view of the sky

i like to watch the airplanes

they just keep coming and coming

and one day ill be dead

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yo bro is it safe down there in the woods? yeah man it’s cool by Tomislav Jagnjic