jen-co - Tumblr blog

[jen-co]

I think you are great, just a terrific gal xxoo.

😂 thanks

[jen-co]

Why do you become so annoying when you drink?

Maybe because you've been gone for 36 hours at work and you have denied for 6 years that you indicate as you're turning a corner, just like you say your Dad does. I will die on this hill. The TEA IS SPILLED

[jen-co]

You really made a beautiful baby, can you make one with me?

No I will not make another one with you 😂

[jen-co]

Has your sex life changed much since having a baby?

It's less often but that's to be expected. We're both so tired and busy. I had a hard time with my tearing. It's a lot better now, but at first, it couldn't be stretched at all or I felt like it was splitting open. It still hurts on certain angles and it tends to burn after anything, including using tampons which I've given up on. I also get this bruised feeling in my vagina during sex as if it's clamping down too hard on the top and side walls. I think birth gave me a bit of pelvic floor spasm and it feels like a rock in there compared to before. At least I assume that's what it is. But yeah it's getting better each time

[jen-co]

How are you? You look nice? Could I make a time to see you? I'd like a new word in my communication book. I like the beatles, rolling stones, meatloaf and talking heads. I want to show you my story.

Yeah I know what word you want to add, you perve! Also you need a talker, win the lottery and have one one of those eye recognition ones. I wonder how much they actually cost. You'd think ndis would prioritise being able to COMMUNICATE but no

Edit: this won't make sense to anyone haha. Dan helped someone else ask this question with a communication book and I kmow them well enough to instantly know it was him and to read between the lines lol

[jen-co]

Are you happy you had a child? How does yours and your husband's family feel about it?

Yeah I am. I'm not a happy PERSON because of my mental and physical health. I'm very anxious and I experience continuous dizziness, severe fatigue that sleep doesn't affect, pain etc. It makes life really difficult to be lacking energy and feel sick all the time no matter what you do. Like having an epic hangover every day, or trying to get over the flu. It sucks, I hate it, it's bullshit, it makes me cry. I hate having autism/ADHD and OCD. I just want to be calm and feel normal. So, things are hard but they'd be hard if I didn't have a baby. Butttt having a baby makes the days harder and I desperately always want to lie down and can't do that when I want/need to.

The pregnancy was traumatic (false positive NIPT, amniocentesis, gestational diabetes, preeclampsia) and the birth was horrible. Induction at 38 weeks, sprung on me at a routine checkup, lasted 3 days, and my body responded super strong to the synthetic oxytocin so my pain was unbearable during labour. I never wanted an epidural because I'm terrified of nerve damage, needles, cathetres, baby getting stuck, increased risks etc - but I honestly felt like I'd rather die than keep going through that unmedicated. The anaesthetists told me I have scoliosis as they were trying to get it in (which took 45 mins) and said that can increase risk of nerve damage. I said just do it. Ughhh. One poked around for ages and then called a senior one in. I was so scared. Then I had tearing which took forever to heal which is still causing problems, among other things.

Then I struggled with severe mental health breakdown and wasn't feeling connected to my baby. Going through all of that for an unplanned pregnancy was just too much. I was so sleep deprived as well, I slept 45 mins in 5 days at one point and I got so scared because I lost the ability to control my eyes for a few minutes here and there, like I couldn't blink or look somewhere. Along with non stop migraine and massive auras, I thought I was having a stroke. Then I made the mistake of looking at my vagina and stitches and I was an absolute mess. It was just... traumatic and so many changes to adjust to overnight. I knew I wouldn't cope well with it but I just couldn't anticipate how dark that could feel after you've had a baby. I went pretty loopy and believed I wasn't female anymore, that my vagina was gone, that I had severe prolapses (they say it's just normal tissue), that the baby might not be mine and was swapped at birth, that I was going to die from the preeclampsia, that I WANT to die from the preeclampsia, that my whole life is over and body is destroyed. It was like the reaction someone would have if they woke up from an accident and were told they're going to be paralysed for life. I was just so... off the deep end. I still have obsessions but I'm living my life despite them, whereas in those early weeks, I was just like, no, I should have died during the birth, I can't be here. I was at high risk of PPA/PDD and higher than average risk of post partum psychosis but the preeclampsia was also messing with my brain, I think. The migraines were debilitating and my body wasn't functioning properly, my liver was messed up. I think the preeclampsia was starting to seriously affect my brain function. Plus the sudden hormone drop, breastfeeding, being on blood pressure meds that were making me sick and making me pass out, anticoagulant injections every day (omgosh they were so painful, I had to get Dan to do them for me in the end)... it was not a good combination haha.

We're doing better now but I'm still very anxious. My connection with him is very strong and I love him very much. On good days, when he eats and sleeps well, I just feel so proud of him and so in awe of him existing. On bad days, I'm like... aaargh how long until you start going to school for the day?? Haha.

Dan helps me when he's home from work, so long as he's not doing split shifts, then he tends to nap in between. He does a night feed when he'll be home in the morning, plays with him, takes him on walks etc. He's a great dad and so helpful and loving. He does the morning shift with the baby on his days off so I can sleep in.

Our baby Noah is just so adorable and I have this weird feeling that I didn't have before... kinda like.. mehhh if my body's all messed up and I die tomorrow, at least I had love and at least we made Noah. Haha. I tend to obsess over my body functions and health, the meaning of life, my emotions, spirituality, so having Noah kinda makes me able to accept that my peak time and good health is over and I'm passing the torch on to another human being. Does that sound weird or morbid? I've just spent years trying to regain what was taken from me and haven't been able to accept being mentally or physically ill and fought it non stop. I still do but Noah makes it so that it's just not the only stuff that matters anymore.

I think he's really smart, he's 5.5 months and says hi and hello, he's really cheeky and expressing lots of emotions, he's now learning who mum and dad are and he cries when strangers try to closely interact with him and reaches for me, he knows when something seems weird or not right, he's very responsive, he can be bossy already haha. He turns the pages of a book to look at the pictures, he can put a spoon in his own mouth, he's got a sense of humour and thinks it's hilarious to watch me on the toilet for some reason.

We love him so much but my God, I wpuld never ever ever ever EVER do any of it again. Nope nope nope nope, quick, arrange a vasectomy because shop is CLOSED.

Our families are really happy since I'm an only child and Dan's the only obe out of his brothers that is in a relationship and has a child, so the only grandchild of both of our parents. My grandma is also really happy about it. We lost my grandad while I was pregnant so it's good to have her come over and spend time with him. My mum is thrilled with being a grandma, so is Dan's.

[jen-co]

Do you side with Amber?

Amber Heard? Amberlynn Reid? I figure it's Amber Heard because I mentioned her 😂 but I have this person who gets mad at me on youtube and calls me an Amberlynn/life by Jen supporter haha. I don't SUPPORT them, I just think some of the crap people say to them makes them even worse than Amber/Jen.

BUT ANYWAY, I assume you mean the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard lawsuit. No, I wouldn't say I support Amber but I'm not sone Johnny stan either. There is evidence to show that Amber hit Johnny (her own admission on audio recording). There's evidence that Johnny has an addiction and would do things like smashing cupboards which can feel very aggressive when someone does things like that. But they said his mum had just died around the time of that footage.

I definitely believe Amber was abusive but that doesn't mean she can't also be a victim of domestic violence as well. All signs point to her at least being the main abuser but I wasn't there, the evidence is limited and I know what it's like to go through that and not be believed so I don't like to make judgement calls on things like that.

Her behaviour in court is unusual - the tone of voice and certain facial expressions come across as strange and potentially ingenuine and people are having a field day with that. But some people speak in certain ways for various reasons and I completely disagree with people who state she can't be a victim because she appeared to go "heh" in a recording or smiled at a certain time, didn't appear afraid enough. I've seen people saying "a REAL victim would never record their abuser or provoke them, they'd run away and hide!!", which is incorrect and a very simplistic attitude. I have inappropriate affect as part of autism and PTSD and I've laughed plenty of times while recounting abuse, especially to my psychologist because she was acting really sympathetic and I get really uncomfortable when people show me sympathy, or give a compliment.

There were times I stayed in the room after being hit which resulted in me getting hit again. I was demanding my ex husband to tell me why he does it, to admit that he did it (he'd do it and then seriously deny it happened 5 minutes later sometimes, or at least downgrade it to something else but sometimes outright denial). I just couldn't understand why someone would act like that, why he hated me so much when all I ever did was try to help him and have a normal life together. I'm stressful because of my anxiety but I'm not nasty, argumentative, difficult, don't have unreasonable expectations etc. Anyway, it really annoys me when people think you have to fit some victim stereotype and a real victim would never be assertive because that's not true. I felt so broken that it's like I didn't care if he hit me yet another time, in that moment. I have PTSD and your behaviour and emotions don't always make straightforward sense when you're traumatised.

I don't know what went down with the actual trial in the UK, but the current case is a defamation case so all that could come of it is the jury believes Johnny didn't abuse Amber and he successfully sues her for 40 million, or not. I assume he'll win because the evidence does not look good for her and her legal team seems kind of incompetent. Plus her statements don't come across as genuine to the general public and the jury may reflect that as well.

I definitely don't support her and she very well may be the sole abuser. I think he admitted to pushing her which is domestic violence but I don't remember the context.

I don't think she's some manipulative mastermind that people are making her out to be. She's put her foot in it so many times and clearly hasn't rehearsed very well. I think she's one of those people that just can't control her emotions very well and takes it out on people, and in her mind, she possibly downgrades the things she's done or justifies them to herself in some way. But Johnny Depp is no angel either, so I could never state that either of them are guilty/innocent.

My abuser told everyone that MY story and the abuse that happened to ME, was his story. He literally reversed our roles and said I abused him unprovoked all the time and he retaliated in self defence this one time. That's exactly what happened except roles completely reversed. I don't know how some people can sleep at night. It's like it doesn't even register to them that they damaged an innocent person physically and mentally, for life. Spent 12 years with him and put up with all of that, spent all my money on him and that's what he has to say about me years later? That I cheated on him and was a violent abuser? I'm such a piece of shit that I deserve to be thrown, punched, palm struck in the temple as hard as possible AND have my character run into the ground years later? I could not live with myself. He always claimed to be Christian but I don't see how anyone could be that evil and maintain any actual relationship with God. I just do not understand people like that. Uhhh... gone off topic again there.

No, I don't support her but the worship of Johnny is concerning as well. But if it's the case that he was not an abuser and she was then he certainly deserves some sort of vindication.

I don't think it matters what sex someone is, all that matters is intent.

[jen-co]

Not your hubby asking those questions - long time follower, I’ve no idea when YouTube started, maybe 2003???? Jeez, feel like a stalker! But I grew up watching you and emmalina (also emmaline and can’t remember the name of a short haired blonde girl). Anyway, I asked the emmalina and autism questions, he’s in the clear, thanks for being so open and honest

Oh okay 😂 thank you! I think the kitten question was him haha. I asked him to ask me questions and he said I'm too tiiiired and I said JUST ONE and I think that's what he came up with haha.

[jen-co]

I like kittens, do you?

😂 they're cute but I'm not really a kitten/cat person

[jen-co]

How does your husband deal with your autism? Do you drive him crazy lol?

Ummmmmm... 😂 I mean, yeah my anxiety level is difficult for him. I do cause stress with my obsessiveness and levels of distress. I try to act like I'm fine but it still comes out randomly. We don't argue much or anything like that but he can just sense my stress and I'm very sensitive to his emotions as well.

He also says I can start talking and just not stop on occasion, it's like I just let everything out every so often and it can get too much. He feels like I ask an excessive amount of questions when he's trying to relax and don't pick up enough on subtle signals.

I'm a minimalist and "neat freak" and can't tolerate one plate in the sink and stuff like that, haha.

We mainly just joke around about our eccentricities and flaws though, we don't judge each other or seriously criticise each other very often. There is a lot of tolerance and acceptance in our relationship, and quick forgiveness.

[jen-co]

What happened between you and Emmalina?

Ehhhh I was leaving this one and contemplating whether to answer it. I'm not the kind of person that enjoys drama, pettiness or having a go at anyone, so I don't want to stir the pot. That's why it took 5+ years for me to speak publicly about my ex abusing me (and that was only because one of his friends accused me of cheating on him on an instagram post, which sparked a response from me. I'll try to explain the situation with Emma but it's a strange and confusing story. Again, I don't want to attack anyone but things happened and it's the truth.

A troll started harassing her partner on his tumblr page, anonymously. I noticed the nasty comments as I was only following them both on here (I have no friends and limited interests/not much tumblr involvement). Didn't think much of it, trolls are gonna troll. But then I started getting some nasty anonymous comments and so I went back to read his page properly. I noticed he was accusing the troll of being fat, having a health science background but failing at losing weight, can't keep a husband, being jealous of Emma and so forth. They knew I was going through divorce due to abuse/domestic violence. It seemed specific and weird but I brushed it off. Then I started noticing abusive comments towards me in my inbox were the same style as his typing and same overuse of the same emoji. Still, could be the troll playing games so I ignored it. Then I noticed on his page that he was accusing the troll of distributing Emma's underaged pornographic images and I was like, okay, he seems to think he kniws who this person is and they're sharing a lot of characteristics of me, such as being overweight and failing long term at losing it, having a health science degree, getting divorced, and knowing Emma way back when she/we were kids. I confronted him about it on facebook messenger, because we'd had some pretty personal conversations so I felt like I was able to contact him directly. He got really defensive and said he doesn't have time for my scooby doo detective shit and I very much felt like he felt backed into a corner. He could have just said then and there that he messed up and thought it was me for whatever reason. I'm a very passive and tolerant person (too tolerant) so I would have totally let it go as a mistake. He then said he believed it was his cousin, so I just backed down and thought ok, maybe that's the truth. But then I thought, wait... his cousin may be fat, publicly tried to lose weight and failed, getting divorced, studied health science and various other similarities to me... BUT HOW WOULD HIS COUSIN KNOW EMMA WHEN SHE WAS 11, RECEIVE HER UNDERAGED PORNOGRAPHIC IMAGES AND POTENTIALLY DISTRIBUTE THEM? At that point, I knew they thought it was me, and it totally explained Emma's icy responses to me on facebook around that time. Whatever, I let it go, we all have issues, I'll just not engage with them anymore.

Months went by and I didn't think too much of it. I was falling in love with Dan and finally having the time of my life. But then something happened. It was so small. I couldn't even tell you what it was about. It was some public meme style post on facebook and I replied to some random person's comment. It was in the style of, "does pineapple belong on pizza" or something light hearted like that. I think it involved cheese, haha. I can't remember, but after no contact for months (and I'd been trying to reach out to her because we both disclosed troubling things to each other around the time the tumblr stuff happened), she replied to my comment with the coldest comment. It wasn't attacking me directly but it was cold, dismissive and I could feel the burn behind it. I thought, they still fucking think the troll was me. When I'VE NEVER DEMONSTRATED BEING PETTY OR NASTY LIKE THAT IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. It all suddenly hit me. How offensive it was to be accused of child porn distribution and everything else. How offensive it is to tease someone about divorcing someone who had been punching them until they couldn't breathe and hit them in the face. It's like it suddenly registered how cruel that all was. I'd had time to process what happened with my ex, and I thought I'll be damned if I ever let anyone deny reality to me again. I know what reality is. I know they thought it was me. I know it was him attacking me on here anonymously. I know he didn't think it was his cousin.

Now, nobody's perfect and I started questioning why the hell they'd think it was me. What motive would I have? When she knows I've never been the bullying type, ever? It started to really affect me and I couldn't stop thinking about it because it felt like such a betrayal, by the last person from my past. My ex and Emma were my only childhood/teenage friends and source of learning what any kind of relationship was. It's not like Emma and I had a close relationship anymore but we still had all that history and we'd still chat now and then about things that were far more personal than you'd discuss with an acquaintance. We didn't need each other in any way but I still considered her my friend and our history meant something to me so it hurt.

So anyway, I racked my brain over this and all I could think of is that when we were like, 15 maybe, I wasn't super supportive of a decision she made because I was being heavily influenced by my ex. I wasn't nasty towards her over it and tried to support her through it but we were dumb kids and I said certain things I wouldn't say now. Not attacking things, but just... it's too hard to explain without knowing what it is. And contrary to belief, I don't disclose shit people have told me in confidence. I assume she'd know that since the troll wasn't attacking her/them about certain details that I know about her, that trolls would love to attack someone about. But maybe I'm not the only person that knows certain things. I have no idea. But the troll was mainly attacking her partner and favouring Emma, from what I could see.

Anyway, this seemingly meaningless and unrelated comment on facebook, after months of not responding to anything, spoke volumes. I was like, you know what? I don't deserve this and I royally door slammed her (cringe but I'm INFJ). It takes me seriously decades to door slam someone and it always comes at the tip of the iceberg and not during the worst times. I've only ever doorslammed my ex and Emma, and they're the only 2 significant people from my past apart from my family, so it hurt. I just deleted them both off all social media at that point and they didn't exist to me anymore.

I also wondered if maybe it happened because I called her an inappropriate name. I realised I messed up immediately afterwards and apologised but she had already ghosted me (not long after we both disclosed serious things) so I was trying to get her attention. The background context is that we used to call each other insulting terms on a daily basis, like a term of endearment or inside joke type of thing. Slut, bitch, whore, dickhead, fuckwit etc were the norm, especially if deliberately spelled incorrectly like chatspeak. So I reverted to my 14 year old self and called her a [something] biatchhh or something like that. The first word was spelled incorrectly bit I immediately thought it was too far and apologised. I don't even know if she saw any of it because it was on fitbit messages. I thought that may have triggered the drama but she'd ghosted me before that faux pas.

Then I started remembering so much about the past that I'd completely forgotten. She said she was coming to my 21st birthday, ticket and everything. It was that night and she was supposed to be flying into Melbourne and I'd need to pick her up from the airport which is like 2 hours away from where I live. I was at the hair dressers getting my hair straightened (these were the days were at home straighteners weren't a thing, I feel so old) and I was messaging her asking what was going on. I went to my party and kept going outside to ask if she was ok and what was happening. I must have had some old ass flip phone that could do texts, I think. It's hard to remember. But she ghosted me for months since that day and then contacted me at some stage and said her boyfriend made her do it and I forgave her.

Then there's the time where I had some online boyfriend who I thought I was in love with and going to move here (not Josh, Ian), who was yet another gross lying paedo, and I found out she was having sexually explicit conversations with him while we were "together" and he was shown her nudes and everything. We were 14 and 15 and this guy was 20. Josh came after him, ugh.

I swear on my life that I had COMPLETELY forgot about these things. Obviously I didn't hold a grudge or think about it because I was her bridesmaid at her first wedding even though she sure as hell wasn't there for mine (and was supposed to be, along with my 21st slash hens night). It made me wonder if she'd remembered these things more than I did and thought that'd be my motive for attacking her/them. But she's probably the kind of person who wouldn't think much of that kind of stuff, I don't know anymore.

I woke up every morning thinking about this situation, for ages, and I still do sometimes. I don't know why it affected me so much, it's not like we were best buds by that point. But the history meant something to me and I like having women friends where you can check in once every 6 months and you're still friends. That's hard to come by, and I can't maintain regular social interaction because of my issues. She... meant something to me. And I meant nothing to her in the end, and she thought so poorly of me to think I'd even be capable of trying to attack her anonymously. Like what the fuck. It also felt a little reminiscent of my ex husband denying reality, denying what he did, and I have PTSD so I'm sure that ties into it considering they were both from the same era and who I spent a HUGE chunk of my life with. Obviously she didn't do anything to me anywhere on the level of my ex but it still just cut deep in a way I didn't expect, and my reaction to it was so delayed. It must have been 6 months from the drama to that cold comment on facebook that made me doorslam her.

I really can't stand it when people gaslight or deny reality, that's something I won't put up with these days because I'm very experienced with it. I don't know how long ago this drama happened, must be years now, so I don't know who she is/who they are as a couple, but at that time? They were feeding off each other in such a toxic way and the way he glorified her being "skinny" on his tumblr at the time was really, really concerning. For Emma and for his kids.

Anyway, I don't want anyone coming at me with pitchforks and I worried that my ex would come at me after I made an instagram post about the domestic violence. But what ended up happening is that his ex (who came after me) contacted me and disclosed a lot of awful information, which was really sad to hear and made me cry, but it was tears of hurt and devastation and regret and compassion... but some validation mixed in. I would never want to cause any drama because I can barely handle a very simple quiet life, but I also take the opportunity to speak the truth and express my pain at times as well. I don't want to hurt anyone, we are all messed up in different ways, but yeah that was really hurtful and it's something that still haunts me. I think I've been watching too much Johnny Depp/Amber Heard trial stuff and it's been really triggering me but in a more subconscious way that cones out in my dreams, and my thoughts as soon as I wake up.

I swear to God, even though you're not meant to do that... or I swear on my life and anything that means anything to me that I didn't ask this question to myself (only the person who asked it can know that lol), I asked my husband and he said he didn't ask it, plus I've never called her Emmalina to him. But 2 days ago, I absolutely bawled my eyes out over her and what she did. Like that guttural sobbing crying. It was so bizarre and we both agreed that I was having sone kind of meltdown. I've been having nightmares and I think it might be because I kept forgetting my morning meds and then taking them at night when I remembered. Anyway, it was the first time I cried over her and it was so out of the blue and bizarre. Plus I spiralled and started crying over my grandad that I lost a few months ago, the thought of losing Dan or Noah, my mum, the meaning of life, heaven/hell, the whole shebang haha.

But yep, that's the story. I know she said she has BPD, so that would explain some things but it was still unacceptable. I know people throw the word narcissist around a lot but I truly truly believe my ex hisband has narcissistic personality disorder to a serious degree and his more recent ex feels the same way. You can't say someone's a narc because they wronged you, like I'd never say that about Emma. But my ex is truly a narc, in an incredibly pervasive and maladaptive way that's dangerous to those around him.

And aint nobody got time for that.

I especially love this cause I seriously ran down the street to Coles (supermarket) with no shoes on when my ex showed up with his new girlfriend (who is his ex and who I now know). He was picking up some junk after he moved out. I wish I met her in person haha. But yeah I was so scared to be in the same vicinity as him that I jumped up and ran out the back door, through the carport and like 1km down to Coles 😂 I'm not sure why Coles. I ended up getting some groceries and called Mum to come pick me up lmao. Did I not have a car??? No, I always had a car. Wtf. Lol. Excuse the Jesus blasphemy, I'm a Christian but come on... who could forget aint nobody got time for that

[jen-co]

What activities will you introduce to your child? Music, sports, drama, etc...

Oh gosh, this is a hard one for me because I don't like going out or socialising but I know he really needs that.

I need to force myself to show up to a playgroup pretty soon. Dan plays guitar in front of him which he enjoys, and he likes certain types of music so I want to encourage that. He loves it when I sing to him and laughs his head off.

My husband used to play soccer and was really good at it. He dabbled in Australian league football, tennis, golf, athletics and was always a sporty person and a good amateur athlete. He's a strong swimmer too. So Dan will introduce him to those things and I'll try to be involved as much as I can. He's started back up with doing weights and trying to get back in shape for that reason.

Dan's brother has done professional acting and been in a few major ads and TV shows and I always liked drama, so I'd encourage him in that if he was interested.

My grandad who passed away while I was pregnant was a visual artist and painter and that whole side of the family are talented with drawing. I was a decent drawer but hardly ever practiced and didn't enjoy it enough (impatient) but I'd certainly encourage him if he was into that.

I'll definitely try to get him involved with animals, like being around dogs, horses, the importance of native animals and their habitat, etc. I hope he loves nature and animals.

I really want to encourage him to be open with his emotions because although Dan is an emotionally intelligent man and a very affectionate man, he was taught to shove his feelings down, "be a man", don't cry, express hurt as anger (towards self/objects) and I don't want that for my son.

I want to guide him away from the typical 2022 upbringing of excessive TV/spending hours playing videogames, early internet/social media access etc.

[jen-co]

How is being a mum

It's soooo exhausting, haha. I love him so much, but he's quite an intelligent, responsive, communicative and demanding child 😂 sometimes I feel like I have a toddler and he's only 5.5 months old. He tells me off, he fake cries for attention (and laughs about it). It's so funny to see his personality coming through. He's not a great eater and doesn't sleep much during the day, so my days are spent focusing on getting enough food into him! I don't get much spare time. When he has a nap, I do the housework. It's hard because I have very minimal energy and feel sick every day. My husband does LONG work hours, so it's intense. But I'm so glad we have him and love him so much.

I had severe post partum depression and anxiety. Well, I already had mental illness and the pregnancy/birth were traumatic so I don't know if you could call it genuine PPD/PPA, but I was in a really bad way and that's what they called it. I had a stay in a mother baby psychiatric unit, which had some initial benefits but had a lot of downsides and wasn't a great experience. Plus my issue was more about my own personal struggles, not directed towards my baby. I had birth injuries and was really struggling with that. I still do but not as bad. I had trouble connecting to him which was expected since the pregnancy was unplanned, the birth was a surprise early induction due to preeclampsia and I was completely unprepared, I was told he was going to be severely disabled and had to consider our options through that 2+ month diagnostic ordeal (there's nothing wrong with him). It made sense that I'd struggle with connection when I had 45 mins of sleep in 5 days during my induction/birth and was in serious pain after the birth (for months). I still took great care of him whenever he was in my care, no matter how messed up I felt, but they just lump everyone in a box, put everyone on the same meds, and I felt pressured to do it due to another powerful force involved in the situation. I had to follow their recommendations, otherwise I was refusing treatment. It was a "voluntary" situation, but they'd take you to court if you didn't comply, so not really voluntary. I felt punished for trying to get help, basically. I was treated like a criminal even though I hadn't done anything wrong to my baby, was taking good care of him and had no urges to harm him in any way. It got to the point where we felt there was a lot of prejudice against us because we both have mental health issues and live in a suburb that's considered "rough" to city folk.

Anyway, that added so much more stress onto the situation, when I could have just gone to a GP and said I feel a bit low and get some meds, because medication is the only actual treatment I received through having 5 services involved and all of these restrictions placed on me.

We're all doing better now. It's hard being a housewife with autism/anxiety/fatigue etc but I'm doing a good job. He's a beautiful baby and brings us joy. I'm at that point where I have to keep checking if he's breathing in his cot, and feel worried about every aspect of his life and major Mum guilt all the time, so very connected now haha. Dan's been a WONDERFUL father as well.

[jen-co]

Just wanted to say thanks for being so raw and honest. It really helps. I wonder if I have ASD and it looks like my daughter will be diagnosed, so it’s good to see how females experience it, as it can be so different to boys, who seem to be the focus (like with ADHD)

Thanks 😊 yeah, some people with autism, especially women, tend to be better at masking. I have a very significant level of autism but as my psychologist has explained, my autism expresses itself internally, whereas some people express it more externally. I understand social cues (with a few faux pas), I understand the nuance of facial expressions, language etc. I have intuition. But the world generally moves too fast for me and I get overwhelmed really easily. It uses all my brain power to do basic tasks or have any kind of social interaction.

Hopefully an earlier diagnosis for your daughter will help her out a lot. I assume she's below 35 years old, haha. My cousin also has ASD and she goes to a specialised school and is doing really well. She had a really hard time at regular school. She's like me, with an average IQ but slow processing speed and she's a very sensitive person.

I really worry for my son. When my psychologist brought it up as a tentative diagnosis and asked me to see a psychiatrist (who agreed with ASD), I felt devastated. I always believed that if I worked hard enough and found the right key, whether it was a certain diet or exercise regime, therapy etc - that I'd get somewhere over the rainbow and be all better, like a regular person. Knowing that it's developmental just crushed that lifelong dream. I was pregnant at the time and felt like it was so irresponsible to allow that to happen (not that it was planned), that I've sentenced my child to the same fate as me, since autism can be genetic (pretty sure my Dad also has it but he's in denial).

I know some people are proud of being neurodiverse and having autism and that's great, but I don't feel that way. It's affected my life negatively and truly presents as the disability that it is, for me. But I had zero intervention through my childhood or teens, so I think that could help tremendously. It helps me a little bit now, to know why I am the way I am. I feel a bit less pressure to mask. If I overshare, I don't need to feel like a weirdo as much anymore. If I have a meltdown, it's not some senseless event, now I know it's happening for a valid reason. If I'm exhausted, it's probably not just random or sone mystery health issue - my brain is working way too hard.

[jen-co]

How did you go about getting your autism diagnosis? What were key signs that were missed when younger did you think?

I went to a new psychologist about 2 years ago after having a couple of really bad experiences with 2 other psychologists over the years. They basically made me feel untreatable because my anxiety wasn't responding to their standard therapies and one said she "didn't want to waste my money anymore". Neither of them referred me to anyone else. It confused and upset me so I just gave up on psychology for a cpuple of years.

My issues of course didn't improve and were worsening, so my GP referred me to my current psychologist. It all started out the same as before, I wasn't responding to treatment and she said we need a different direction. She asked if anyone did any assessments on me as an adult, I said no. She asked if it'd be okay to focus on that for the next few sessions because she's not sure if my OCD and GAD diagnoses I received at 10 years old were able to describe all of my symptoms.

First she did the personality inventory and that apparently came up in a bizarre way that's not usually seen. I scored high in way too many areas that couldn't possibly be used to formulate a diagnosis that made any sense. I didn't score in a way that would indicate a personality disorder, it was more in the realm of things that would suggest ADHD, schizoid and other things that didn't make much sense at the time. And of course major anxiety/OCD which was expected.

Anyway, I had crisis after crisis - with the pregnancy, and just my own persistently high distress in general. So that distracted from the assessnents for ages. But we eventually got back to them.

So I did a whole bunch of assessments on paper, an in-person IQ test and various other things. By that point, she was already pretty sure she was going to diagnose me with autism because she got to know me better, with all the struggles I was seeing her for. It wasn't a surprise that I scored high in the ASD assessments but the final diagnoses and the level of ASD she diagnosed me with was a bit of a shock.

My IQ test was overall fairly average, and oh my gosh I was so tired when I did that (but I always am) and answers to some of the questions came to me when I was driving home, haha. Although it was average, it was highly variable, so I have areas where I'm very above average and areas where I'm below average, and that supported the diagnosis as well. I have above average perceptual reasoning (visualising how pieces in a picture would fit together to make an object, copying patterns with blocks etc), working memory (like repeating strings of numbers that are spoken), and I had a stupidly low processing speed, haha.

I was diagnosed with ASD level 2 without language impairment and inattentive ADHD (and I have comorbid OCD, anxiety, PTSD).

I didn't understand much about ADHD and I have such debilitating fatigue that I didn't ever consider it, because I was pretty ignorant about it and pictured young kids who don't sit still, not really thinking that it's more about what the brain is doing.

In terms of the autism, being able to mask level 2 ASD which is a significant level of disability, has been.... hard. It may be why I have continuous fatigue/dizziness/brain fog/derealisation as well. I now realise that my worst periods of OCD/anxiety were actually in response to having autism and not being able to understand myself, my life, my body, my relationships etc, which caused extreme overwhelm and burn out.

Masking is way easier when you don't have language impairment. But I still have verbal issues that got worse over time like stuttering, saying words back to front, vocal tics etc. I would heavily edit my youtube videos because I will just forget what I'm talking about mid sentence. But there were sooo many signs that people didn't notice, since childhood. I never wanted to play with other children. I had repetitive behaviours and compulsions, I had anxiety and didn't understand what was going on even in kinder (age 3), I was bullied from prep until I left school at 12, I couldn't read an analogue clock until I was about 11 because it just looked like jumbled up shapes that I didn't understand, I didn't understand what the teacher was asking us to do and would look at what everyone else was doing to copy it. I remember being in prep (age 4), all the kids just jump up and start getting coloured pencils. It startled me, why was that happening? What's going on? The teacher must have explained what was going to happen and it went over my head... stuff like that happened a lot. I had a lot of skin picking issues and I would do this thing when I got really excited or angry, which I still do. It's in the realm of rocking bit more like jerking forward in a chair or jumping up in a standing position and it's like I don't even plan or decide I'm going to do that. I do this weird quiet thing with my throat that only intimate partners would notice, which I've done since childhood. Basically a lot of stimming but mostly in private, or in public I just rub my nail almost continuously, and my nail looks screwed haha. I have meltdowns after social events where I spiral, cry, suddenly get really obsessive over a completely unrelated topic. I hold my body in weird tense postures. I've always needed a lot of alone time. I would always get home from school and shut the curtains and close the door to be alone in the dark. Oh and I sucked my thumb until I was 11 or 12. I don't know, there are so many random things. I have... what's it called? Inappropriate affect? Like I sometimes laugh when discussing past trauma/assaults, smile when I feel terrible, etc. I tend to be very monotone but I make big effort to sound more lively but find it exhausting. People on youtube used to say I talk too slowly and don't move my teeth when I talk? I look at people's mouth to gauge emotion, I get zero information from their eyes unless they're doing something really noticeable with their eyebrows. I didn't make eye contact as a baby and pushed my mum away when she tried to hug me. I refused to eat meat because it didn't seem like food to me. I shiver if I touch fruit, wood or cardboard like a physical reaction of disgust. Wooden utensils and paper straws are a no-go for me. I'm highly sensitive to touch and normal pressure causes me pain in certain areas. Sensitive to noises, smells etc. I don't cope well with change to routine or life changes. I can't keep up with friendships. The list could go on and on and I should be asleep 😂

The most significant thing is the distress. My levels of distress are off the charts and I knew I was more anxious than a lot of people but I didn't quite realise exactly how much compared to other people. I never thought that was autism. I was told I have a bunch of common anxiety disorders so I just identified with that and believed that's all there was to it, and I must just be too dramatic because even people with run of the mill anxiety disorders don't seem this bad. I've been through things I don't talk about or have only hinted about. Yeah I showed up to work and appeared as a human being over the last 10 years but really, I was non functional and surviving with substances for the last few years.

The autism also explains why I was bullied so much and why I was vulnerable to abuse like in my ex marriage. I didn't understand what was normal in a relationship and he took advantage of that and eventually realised he could verbally abuse me and hit me with no consequences other than me crying or arguing with him. But all his bills still got paid so it didn't matter. I still questioned whether the abuse was my fault, even up until last year. That guilt was released when someone came forward to me, who was with him after me, and told me he was abusing her as well. That made me really sad, but it was also kind of... validating. I felt bad that I could have prevented it from happening to another wonan and I feel so bad for his kid. I wouldn't repeat what was said but yeah, it made me cry for his kid, that's for sure.

Woah went way off on a tangent there. I do that. My psych report says I'm tangential haha. But I linked to my tumblr so I could vent and rant soooo, here I am doing that.

I thought these questions were from my husband for a second because I sent it to him and said ask me dumb stuff to entertain me, but the questions are a) not dumb or silly, b) use names that I've never referred to anyone as to him 😂

Anyway... ummmm I'll end this rant here? lol

[jen-co]

Does everyone in Victoria still hate NSW after omicron?

I don't think so, haha. No one in my circle talks about it anyway. I saw more trash talking towards Victoria on reddit back when everything was happening. No one could control COVID coming to each state, but Victoria had harsher and way longer lockdowns than other states. I remember people in Sydney saying they couldn't go on anymore after like 2 months, with way less strict rules than we had. But I don't socialise much (plus lockdown) so my only exposure to it was reddit which probably isn't a good source for anything haha.

[jen-co]

Bunny