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[jennymay]

Having some anxiety. Also a big part of me is like “RELAX! NOTHING CAN KILL YOU”. So I’m not sure how I feel. It goes all over the place and I can’t get a solid mindset to stick around longer than 5 minutes.

[jennymay]

Okay here I go. I’ve officially come to admit I don’t like my job anymore. It’s sad to realise because I was so happy when I started but things change. I am so capable. Of so many different things. This place opened my eyes and now they’re open I’m gonna leave and bite the hand that feeds me.

But instead of being massively depressed, I’m gonna change it. I’m going to stick it out at work and hope the days go faster. I want to work from home. I want to MAYBE study and get myself together. There’s a lot I need to change and my brain pushes it all forward and I have to manually swipe them away from my mind. “Nope! Not doing it” I say to myself. And then I focus on one. One thing to drive me. And right now that’s a new job. Then it will be saving money and achieving goals. Then I’ll find something else once I’m there. I have a few different things to choose from.

I need to give myself credit for the way I’ve reshaped my thinking. It sucks because no one knows. I should be happy without validation and I am happy, just wish people knew more about the silent struggling I did to get here. Like hey do you know how I’ve worked? Do you know how much I’ve nearly killed myself? And now I’m great!

But people don’t really understand anyway so there’s no point mentioning it. I’ve realised that’s something else too. I constantly believe people don’t understand. It stops me from talking especially about my feelings. It’s my own fault. I can’t assume people won’t understand. That means that I’m judging and misunderstanding them instead. But I can’t help but feel the tug inside me that stops me from talking.

I do a quick read over the person and decide “they wouldn’t really get it”. And maybe they won’t but what, should I not talk to anyone ever? I also feel healthy about romance.

I don’t really want it but I do. But I want it naturally. I don’t really want to look for it even though you’re “supposed” to. That’s in quotations because I’m not sure if that’s true or not. I’ll find out if it’s true eventually.

I can’t use apps it’s too difficult. It sucks because I’m a great texter but I think it’s only if I know you. Or I have something to be interested in. I’m just supposed to force interest so I can have an orgasm? No thanks. Everything can find me itself or I won’t bother. It’s not mandatory or crucial.

I’m obsessed with being by myself. I enjoy it. I genuinely enjoy it. I like going into malls by myself and shopping for things by myself. I like doing errands alone and listentinf to an artist I’ve never heard and deciding if I like it or not. It’s fun being a person and making decision based on your preferences. And maybe I feel better doing that alone.

[jennymay]

“I just hope eventually I’ll come back to these and think “damn I’m so glad I’m happier now!” But I feel very doubtful about that. I think things are going to get worse for me. “

That’s exactly what I thought Kloe from January. I am so glad I’m happier now. I feel ashamed if I don’t mention the rough patches I’ve been having. But that is mandatory for growing up. But overall I’m happier. I’ve left scribal. Best decision of my life. Can’t believe how much of me was held back. I know so much more about myself now. So much more confident. Me and Kayla became basically broke. We couldn’t afford anything. And it was still better than being at scribal.

We both moved on and now I want to quit my current job to work at Kayla’s job. My current one is too exhausting. I barely ever speak to Sam. We have been lately but I can’t hate her because I never see or talk to her. I’ve lost a chunk of weight. All these things seemed so impossible before. And I’ve achieved all of it. I don’t even talk to Angela anymore. I’ve done amazing things this year.

I’m shocked reading these entries. I know how low I can go. It’s been a constant experience. But life has moved so fast lately and honestly I’m smoking a shit ton of weed and I’ve forgotten . G2g

[jennymay]

I cannot stand sam. I think the small place I have stored in my mind, for Sam, has a little bit of love there. It’s appreciation for all she’s done for me while I’ve known her. But the other part of mind is stored with all the hatred and the bad things she made me feel. I think I do have some anger issues, I just can’t seem to work through my anger, I just have to wait for it to pass and try not to do anything crazy in the meantime.

Im not an angry person though. I don’t snap at people or make them feel bad in my presence unless it’s my family. It doesn’t sound nice but that’s how it works. I’ve only ever showed anger around or toward my family. I don’t give my anger to anyone who isn’t blood mainly because I know my family will forgive my bad moods and rage. As I did them for many many years.

But sam… she brings out something in me. I don’t want to hurt sam though. I don’t want to be the cause of her pain and I don’t really want her to endure any bad feelings. But when she speaks to me, all I can think about is running away from her. Blocking her from my eyesight. I wish I could press a block button in real life, so I can no longer see or hear her. She makes me feel like a bad person because she brings out the worst in me.

And that leaves me thinking I’m a horrible person and I’m cruel to her. Which I am to blame, obviously. That’s up to me to fix, I can’t blame sam for my behaviour. She just unlocks a part of me that I didn’t know about. And that part of me is filled with hatred and sadness.

I hate her and her stupid emotions. I hate the way she expresses her emotions mainly. I think that’s a big tell for me, how people express emotions. It’s judgmental but I was raised different. I assume everyone is attention seeking. I still do, as I type. Sam lost her grandmother and all I could think is that she’s mourning horribly. She needed others to see her mourning, she wanted to post about it online. In hindsight, I see why she did this.

Sam was lonely and I was all she had. I go from spitting hateful comments about her to then defending her because my morals get in the way. I picture myself in her position and end up feeling bad for her. I wish I could erase my empathy. I am very empathetic and not in a nice way. In a painful way where if interrupts my life and makes me unhappy. When Sam really hurts me and bothers me it always ends up with me feeling bad for her.

Why should I? 31 year old woman she is. She’s had 7 years on me, to experience and to grow and to learn about life and herself. I couldn’t understand how she was such an irritating human being at her grown age. Again, she’s had a bad life. So I of course understand how it changes you. I just can’t imagine making moves the way she does. I don’t need a copious amount of attention when I feel a tiny bit sad. But maybe I’m just a horrible person. Not sure.

[jennymay]

Okay so, I’m currently medicated and feeling good. Huge difference to my last entries I know. I’m aware that is mental illness or maybe lack of medication. But I have 3 tabs of my meds so I’ll be good for a while. I can’t get off them. I told myself withdrawals weren’t real but they were a fucking bitch. They made me MORE mentally ill.

I want to start living life selfishly. I want to do exactly what I want to. And I want to say no to whatever I don’t want to do. That sounds simple and easy. Most people put themselves first and just do whatever makes them happy. This is a strange concept to me that I’ve only just realised is normal. It sounds crazy but that’s how I thought everyone was. Everyone worries about others more than themselves.

My priority for myself has always been at the bottom of the list. As long as everyone else is sorted, I’ll be okay. But at the end of the day, I was feeling shit. Every single day. But enough of the bad talk, I wanna talk good. I’m so sick of being sad and unhappy. I’ve realised I’ve never felt happy for more than a day. And I mean that. Genuine happiness has not stayed with me and I haven’t experienced much of it. It’s not that my life is bad I just struggle to enjoy myself. It’s a task for some reason.

I want to quit smoking and I want to cut out sugar. I want to spend my weekends with Emily and demi. I want to take Bella and benji out more often, without being around mum and dad. I want space from them I realised. After ever conversation I am so anxious and I don’t realise it because I’m so used to it.

The other day me and Kayla were relaxing and mum called. I instantly got sick at first, assuming something bad happened, and was left in a bad mood after the call. The call was fine and normal, but just hearing my mums voice made me anxious. Same goes for my dad. So I realised, hey, they make me feel shit! Why do I go to them? Why do I talk to them? Why do I just go over to the house when they invite me? I don’t need to. I don’t HAVE to, as Bella would say. I don’t have to! So I’m not going to.

Same goes for Angela. I feel stressed and down when we talk. It feels like a chore and our conversations don’t make me feel good. So why am I continuing? I don’t need to. I’m 24, I don’t need to do anything I don’t want to. I’m supposed to do what I want. I told myself being there for people constantly is a beautiful thing. I thought it was a kind thing to make sure everyone around you knows, they can use you for talking if they need. The offer still stands. But I don’t want to be burdened anymore. And that’s the thing, I am heavily burdened. No more.

I want a new job with better money. I went a new car to buy for myself. I would love to buy Bella or benji a car one day. Right now that’s impossible so I want to save more. I want to exercise. I WANT to rather than “oh I have to”.

Doing things for myself and being nice to myself will take time but it’s better than before. Anything is better than before. I won’t get too low again. I’m stronger and getting stronger. That’s something I have that other people don’t. A strong mentality. Somewhat…

[jennymay]

I’ll write it in here again or I’ll start crying at work. It’s definitely my lack of meds. I feel suicidal right now for no reason. I’m so sad and depressed for no reason. No reasoning for anything and yet I want to end my life? It’s the meds. I feel like screaming and crying like I genuinely feel insane I feel like I’m losing my mind.

I want to start yelling at anyone who talks to me. I want to hit people some times just because I know it will hurt them. I know that’s bad. And I shouldn’t say rhat either. But I can’t help it right now. I want to yell at someone until they have to walk away from me I wanna see that I hurt their feelings and I know how disgusting thag is and I don’t wanna be like thag

I keep talking to everyone badly and then I go through waves of guilt and then I want to do it all over again. Because once I get to thinking, I can hate aboslutely Nyone. If I convince myself enough but I don’t even need to. I feel naturally angry as if everyone has done something personal to me.

I want to say lots of things that I believe thag I know will hurt them. I want to like hit and kick things and destroy things. Sometimes when I’m mid conversation I feel like getting up and just walking off? For no reason. Like I was to disrupt any good feelings they have. Because how dare you be okay while you’re talking to me or being around me? Like I expect them fo he miserable and I WANT them to be. It’s really bad and acruallt evil.

My angers always been the worst thing about me but it’s like that’s going feral without my meds to control it. My chest is rising and falling dramatically and now I want fo cry. I want to sob and sob and sob and sob. I know how amazing I would feel after. I don’t even cry I can’t recall the last time I cried or let myself panic.

I make myself get over it. I swallow any anxiety of panic and I literally hold it all in and go home and just smoke it away? Which is disgusting. Now I’m angry again: that’s how bad my mood swings are. Suicidal, aggrsssive, deep sadness, then anger again.

And now I feel mid. I feel in the middle of it all. And Now I’m back to wanting to kill kyself. I hate my life and kyself. And it always happens at work, which is normal. I’m here 8 hours a day. With people to my left to my right, behind me, and in front, and I can’t cry. i can’t do anything without it being watched intently. And I feel bad because I hate sams guts but when she’s nice I’m even more rude to her

Then later, I feel guilty. But right now I hate her. Don’t be nice to me, don’t smile at me, don’t ask me if I’m okay. Go and lull yourself and then maybe you’ll see a smile form on my lips.

That’s so horrible I hate myself for thinking that but I think that and WORSE every single day and I don’t want to but I can’t exactly stop it once I’m angry. I have no control from there on out.

[jennymay]

I feel bad again. I didn’t have a good day today. Things have been okay with usual anxiety. But I have had another bad day. Filled with anxiety and just sadness. Sometimes I can override it and feel okay but today was just, bad. As I’ve now said 3 times.

I just don’t feel good about anything. I feel dread for my life. For living. Knowing this is gonna keep going and going and going. Just dreadful, the whole thing. Nothing to live for. Nothing makes me happy. Just nothingness all the time. Wake up and work, go home smoke, bedtime. Everyday. Weekends are sometimes different but at the end of the day I go back to being empty and numb. So what is the point?

I’m over heating right now. I have really hot flushes and my face turns bright red and my body feels boiling hot on the inside. And all I’ve done is sit here. Sometimes I can feel myself overheating like I can physically feel if. It goes through me like a wave. A wave of fire going through me. That’s genuinely how it feels. Hard to understand if you haven’t felt it before.

There’s just no happiness in my life anymore and I don’t think it can be fixed really, I think that’s just growing up. The lord you grown, the more you learn and you realise how bad the world is and how bad people are.

Demi makes me anxious a bit too. She admitted it there was ever an issue she had with me, she wouldn’t tell me. She’d just stop talking to me. Which isn’t too nice to know about. I’d rather not know and have her slowly drift away from me. But now knowing if she doesn’t respond to me (which happens often) it means that she has an issue. That’s what I’m gonna think from now on and I think that sucks. I’m gonna have more anxiety over that because she will ghost me.

Hopefully she makes an excuse as to why we can’t talk anymore and I’m too dumb to realise the reason why. The less I know the better honestly. I don’t need more things to worry about. I’ll go into overdrive.

I feel like an overused PS4 that’s constantly overheating and making a loud noise. That’s how I imagine my brain. When you turn the PS4 on, I imagine that’s how my brain looks when I wake up. It starts turning on slowly and it glitches through the day and makes loud noises so I can’t understand my thoughts.

Anyway I don’t really have anymore to say, I just have no one to talk to so I come here because I’m lonely and make myself feel worse by discussing my problems. But I have nothing else to talk about. I don’t have nice and happy things in my life. I don’t even see the kids anymore because I’m too depressed. But I love them the same, I always will.

I see Emily Thursday which I’m excited for but also a bit, meh, about it. It means I’m gonna have to muster up a lot of energy. I have 0 lately so it will be tough but I’ll do it because I do wanna see her and I know she misses me. I feel guilty for everytime I hang out with demi. It’s very strange that I now see demi more than emily. Just a weird sentence I would’ve been confused about if this was 5 years ago. I know Emily hates me for it. She doesn’t hate demi, she’s just jealous of her.

Anyway. Again I’m rambling shit because I’m

Upset and have no one to talk to. I know I do but I’m gonna be real, no one cares. And I don’t mean that in an attention seeking way. I just know that no one cares. And hearing people say “you can always talk to me!” Pisses me off. Cause it’s not true so why would I waste my time. And then if I do talk to them, it’s about them, or the subject changes. Or they just don’t get it at all. Then what? It’s just a waste. I understand why people lull themselves and don’t talk to people about it

Bc whag will they do? Fix it? Lmao. Ridiculous. Anyways. Depressed depressed. Watch, tomorrow I’ll probably have a new found respect for life and living. And won’t understand why I wanted to kill myself. Oh wow didn’t even realise I was suicidal til literally just then. It’s these lack of meds. They’re making me suicidal. I always think about dying but not like this. This is what I would call suicidal. And I can’t stand sam.

[jennymay]

I don’t even have words for how I’ve been feeling. Seems pointless because everyone else is going through the same thing. I feel so guilty for not being there for emily. But I’m giving myself a break of constantly being everyone’s pillow. But Emily, I do feel bad about.

I think she’s going through something she hasn’t experienced before and I want to help I just have no motivation and can’t even help myself. I feel empty I can’t even talk because I don’t care to discuss anything.

I just hope eventually I’ll come back to these and think “damn I’m so glad I’m happier now!” But I feel very doubtful about that. I think things are going to get worse for me.

[jennymay]

I feel better today. I feel embarrassed too. This is why I don’t talk to people. Imagine having to respond to someone like me. I don’t make it easier for myself. Yesterday felt like a manic/depressing episode it was so confusing. I don’t feel as bad today it’s very weird. This time yesterday I was suicidal and cried to myself at my work desk.

I don’t feel particularly happy but I feel back to normal which is basically just being numb and anxious. It’s very confusing and I need my meds. I can’t keep saying the same things. That’s all I do. Repeated thoughts and sentences because nothings changing. And I need change.

Change terrifies me it’s a big thing that freaks me out. But because of the consistent change that’s happened to me this year, I’ve gotten used to it. And crave it. Because I’m numb I need to feel. I need different things to happen I need different situations. Same old life same old friends same old conversations.

I want to live life I want to do exciting things. And I want to do it with someone who wants me. Like all of me. Uncensored and wanting to hear my thoughts. Im desperate to be heard. It’s my fault though. I have a different aura and personality and vibe with every different person. I act on how they make me feel.

And that should stop. But I don’t know how. Everyone makes me feel different so I act different around each person. With demi sometimes I get on edge and k worry because she’s so anxious I get anxious about if she’s okay or not. Like if she’s anxious or worried I get really concerned. I worry for her ALOT but to be fair she gives me shit to worry about so it’s her fault <33

Anyways can’t remember what I was talking about so I’m gonna go and do some work and get back to my boring and mundane life.

[jennymay]

I really hope I die. Pls die in ur sleep u disgusting piece of shit

[jennymay]

All I want to do is nothing. I want to cry and scream and die. I have absolutely nothing to live for. Nothing to look forward to. All I can do is write on this fucking tumblr. I wish so bad I could kill kyself. I wish I was never born I wish I didn’t exist to have thoughts at all. Over all the times I’ve tried or planned to kill myself, I don’t even regret it.

“I’m so glad I didn’t kill kyself that day”

Good for you! I wish I was dead and went through with it. I wish I didn’t have to work or make friends who don’t really give a shit or a family who are strictly caring for themselves. I don’t wanna sleep I don’t wanna smoke don’t wanna eat I want absolutely nothing other than to die and I can’t I can’t even do if all I can do it sit here at work and wait for 5pm.

Then I’ll go home and clean, stress about money, maybe get high, smoke and go to bed. Then wake up and do it again: then Saturday I’ll go see demi and be happy for a few hours then it all starts again!

I wish I never made friends I wish I never had a family I wish the people who cared about me would go away and leave me alone so I can fucking die in peace and not have to think about how my death may affect them. Honestly I don’t even care idc if everyone is depressed for the rest of their lives. I’ve gone years without happiness and it’s my turn for rest is it not? i just want to die I wish someone would help me but it can’t happen no one cares no one wants to listen no one wants to ask “hey are you actually ok?” Cause no one cares and I can’t do it anymore I keep making sure everyone but me is ok and now I’m on my last legs and I can’t do it. I want to cry all the time. I want to die I hate living I hate doing any of this I’m not happy

[jennymay]

Majority of my friends are the ones I made years ago in school. The people I talk to these days are Angela, Emily, Demi and Tianah. I talk to none of them about my sad feelings. Maybe occasionally I’ll throw in a “I’m so depressed” but that’s about it. I can’t be bothered and I know they can’t either.

Now Angela. I have no clue why I still talk to Angela. They don’t bring anything good to the friendship other than that I’ve known them for years and been close with them. But I, personally, wasn’t close with Angela. Angela was close with me. Angela told me everything. I told Angela some things but learnt quite quickly that you can’t talk to Angela much.

If I met Emily or Angela today I don’t think we’d be friends. Specifically not Angela. Emily I’m so grateful for, genuinely. When I think of someone who cares about me, it’s Emily. I just can’t talk to her about stuff cause she doesn’t get it, which isn’t her fault.

Angela however, what am I gonna do with them. I should take what I’m given actually.

[jennymay]

I feel completely alone. I know I’m not though and that seems to make it worse. I don’t have anyone I’m comfortable talking to. It feels useless and like the person listening doesn’t really care or they don’t understand. I also dismiss talking about myself fairly quickly because it’s uncomfortable for me.

It’s just hard I really don’t enjoy living nor do I want to be alive and I’ve felt this way for a long time. I know I have friends and it doesn’t feel like it. I don’t feel comfortable messaging anyone randomly just so I can talk to them. I love emily to death but we’re so different mentally. There’s a big misunderstanding between us because we’re different people. She’s my number 1 like I know Emily will be around quite literally forever and I’ll bet money on that. But I don’t have that thing with her where I want to stay at her place for hours. Because we’re so different I’m not 100% relaxed there.

I think I’m just annoyed I don’t have anyone who loves ME. And I mean ME. Not the “Kloe” who is their bestfriend and listens to their problems and gives advice and is funny. Because that’s not real I’m gonna be honest. I realised people didn’t like me at the age of 12 and decided to get people close by mirroring them and becoming close with them. And I don’t even want to. I can’t even talk anymore because it’s the same old shit I just have no one. But I have everyone. And that’s even worse.

[jennymay]

I am so depressed. I need my meds. Wether they will fix this or not. I know they will but I tell myself alcohol, drugs and prescription drugs are all fake and I’m hallucinating. Which is stupid and weird. I feel so numb I want to scream because nothing is okay.

I have no money. I can barely afford rent and food and petrol. My car needs so much fixing and it’s so expensive. I want to see all my friends so I can be social and be happy. But I can’t do that either i have no motivation whatsoever. I have no energy I don’t feel happy. When I smile or laugh I feel empty and it’s completely put on.

It’s to a point where I don’t smile or laugh genuinely anymore. Im always angry and irritated and I know that’s the depression. I keep snapping at Kayla and sam. I wake up unhappy. I wake up numb and depressed. I look forward to nothing. I feel like crying all the time but I can’t even cry I haven’t been able to cry for a long time.

I have no hope for the future it seems like it’s giving to get worse it’s so frustrating I can’t kill myself. Why should we live through this? Kayla said “it’s the point of living. A lot of bad things happen and you stay for the good things.” And I understand because I say that to other people who are unhappy and suicidal. But I have NO good moments.

I don’t. I go out and have good times with demi but that’s gone As soon as she’s gone. It’s like a fond memory of temporary happiness. It doesn’t stay and so it’s like what’s the point? Nothing will make me happy. Nothing even makes me sad because I cannot feel. It’s so frustrating. I know I’m wasting my life but I can’t fix this. I can’t just get up and go enjoy myself. I physically and mentally cannot. It’s not my choice. If it was, I’d go exercise, I’d see my friends at least 5 times during the week. I’d eat healthy. I’d do things I enjoy.

Joints don’t even help me anymore. I can’t sleep anymore and when I go to bed I’m unhappy. I can feel it in my chest and my head. Like a small black pearl rolling around reminding me I’ll never be happy. Music doesn’t help tv doesn’t help people don’t help nothing helps me. I just need my meds cause I know it’ll go away l.

My anger is the worst of it. So uncontrollable it may be a problem for the future i don’t know. I’m sitting here at work at my desk and it’s 8:46am and I want to absolutely kill my coworker margy. And I mean kill. Not hit her or yell at her. I want to kill her. If I yell at her I’ll feel bad, but if I kill her that’ll please the angry demons inside me lol

Obviously I won’t kill anyone. But I want to. And I heard it feels good to kill someone. Anyway… getting weird. I’m completely numb I want to scream and scream and scream. If I didn’t have so many weak and sensitive people in my life I’d be able to kill myself.

But noooooo. I have to think about everyone else before me, once again. Oh I wanna see my friend? Bud wait what about this person, I haven’t seen them in a while imagine how they feel. But I also need to see my siblings. I need to spend time with Kayla too. I can’t even think about daisy. Everything’s too much j genuinely wish I had a bullet to put into my brain to shut it up. I want to scream and cry.

I got to leave work yesterday at 3pm rather than 5pm. Usually that’d make me ecstatic. Except this time I was greeted with sadness. What am I gonna do when I get home? Nothing. I probably should go out and do something but I can’t I have no money, no energy no motivation.

Same shit everyday I’m struggling so bad and I can’t and won’t talk to anyone else about it. Firstly I know for a fact no one genuinely cares. I already know that about people. They DO NOT care. Plus everyone’s lives are absolutely shit. So why am I gonna go discuss my shit? Like no I’m not doing that I’ll just suffer.

And if I do talk about it, it’s skimmed over within seconds either by myself or the person I’m talking to. I can’t talk to Sam, she’s obsessed and loves when I’m depressed because it’s like she sees a chance to get closer to me and take advantage. Emily doesn’t get it I know she can’t comprehend how I feel because shes never related or felt it. Angela will listen to me just to then talk about themselves. Which is fine. And demi, I just won’t.

I don’t wanna depress Kayla with my problems either. I just want to cry I wish I could scream I want someone to care but I also don’t. I want to just die if I’m honest. I wish I could erase everyone’s thoughts of me ever existing like Peter Parker. Then I’d off myself and rest. Watch Bella and benji from heaven or hell, wherever I go.

I desperately don’t want to be alive I wish I could die I wish if so bad. I don’t wanna be here anymore. I won’t kill myself. Ever. I just wish desperately that I could. But I’d never do that to benji or Bella. Everyone else can deal with it. I wouldn’t ever want benji or Bella to deal with that though. I don’t really care about anyone else as strongly as them. So I won’t kill myself.

But I do dream of that every single day and apparently that’s not normal but it is to me. I’m always imagining different ways to off myself but it’s not that big a problem as long as I’m not doing anything to go through with it. Which I’m not.

God if ur watching, please give me cancer. Take it away from a person who isn’t deserving and give it to me. I’ll go happily. And it won’t be as sad for everyone because they’ll say “at least she isn’t sick and suffering anymore”. I’m more sick now without the cancer.

Hope I die hope I die

[jennymay]

I think I’ll miss you forever. Like the stars miss the sun in the morning sky.

[jennymay]

Well I am now 24. How exciting, not. So depressing. I’m so uninterested in life. I don’t really know what to do to fix it this time. Whenever I’m this down I know exactly what to do or what to tell myself to get out of it and it’s too hard this time. Things aren’t bad they’re just extremely stressful. I feel unappreciated in life. Not that I deserve any appreciation. I don’t really know what I want or expect or deserve actually.

Angela and Paige are desperate to see me. I want to see them too it’s just a lot of energy I’ll have to muster up and I’m not sure if I can get it up (lol) at this time. I feel the same way about Emily unfortunately. It’s quite easy with demi because our humours and taste are so alike it’s easy. Not that I don’t feel that way with Emily, I do. But she takes a lot of energy sometimes which isn’t too bad cause I can take Emily on. And I love her a lot so I can push the dread aside sometimes. But I can’t do that with Paige or Angela. Paige is a lot and Angela is very negative which is fine I understand that. But I can’t handle that right now.

I hate sam with every fibre of my being. I hate everything she stands for and her opinions and even her small talk. Actually especially her small talk. The sex wasn’t worth it. I realised I was purely in lust with sam and I was able to ignore everything because I was having sex with her and didn’t want to stop. I thought I’d have no other opportunity later in life. And I still might not get other opportunities but sam was NOT WORTH IT. She made me suicidal, she made me cry way too much. I would come home for a good day and then end up crying myself to sleep because of her.

I don’t think she will ever fall out of love with me. That sounds conceited but it isn’t. I think she’s desperate and she liked that I was naive. She would’ve been unhappy with me. I told her that all the time. She didn’t care. And I believe her. She would’ve stayed with me for as long as I wanted. Even after, as she’s shown me.

God I can’t stand to be around anyone I’m worried I’m going to snap. Everyone bothers me one way or another. And I’m constantly pretending I’m normal which is fine and usually easy to do but now it’s constant. The peace I get is minimal. I have to pretend to be ok in front of Kayla too (who I’m always with). It’s exhausting. I feel like I have a different personality with each friend I’m with and that’s my fault but it’s making me tired of swapping from this to this to this to this. Always being different and not keeping one solid mood is fucking hurting and bothering me and I don’t know how to stop that.

My medication can make me worse overtime so I’m going to keep blaming it on that and I hope that’s the case. I keep blaming everyone else about the way I feel and it sucks because I KNOW it’s all my fault. But I don’t know how to fix that so I’ll suffer i.the meantime.

[jennymay]

I don’t know why I can’t feel better. Usually I can pull myself out of this but I can’t right now. I can’t talk to anyone about it either because I can’t help but feel like no one cares. I know Emily and Kayla would but I talk to Emily about my depression I know she’s tired of it. Or just doesn’t know what to say and I hate burdening her of that. And it’s too awkward to talk to Kayla about.

I of course have Demi but she has her own problems and can’t help feel like I bother her. I need my meds even though I don’t think it’s really really helping, I keep blaming this on them. Which could potentially be the case, I hope it is the case. Cause I have so many really bad feelings they’re so overwhelming I can’t smile or laugh because I just want to cry or hit something. I really badly want to hit something or destroy something.

Yesterday I came home and slammed so many cupboards and just screamed. I’ve never behaved like that I’m usually better and stronger than that but my emotions are spilling out so easily now like I can’t control them anymore.