jess-keen

[jess-keen]

journal 2/26/20 korn concert

today was so fun. I went to art this morning and didn’t have any classes at the college so I went to taylors and hung out there for a bit. we watched like 7 episodes of bungou stray dogs and got ready for the concert together. I wore a black, green, and blue plaid skirt, a black turtleneck with a metallica shirt over it, with my doc martens and denim jacket. at this rate im aware im in a phase and ill cringe at it in a few years but fuck it it feels good rn. I took bella and jazmyne with us and it was both of their first metal concerts, which is funny because it was Korn and theyre kinda out there, at least for people who are newer to it. breaking benjamin opened for them and they were really good. BONES uk opened too but we missed a lot of it and I felt so awful because theyre taylors favorite band but I had NO clue that they were opening because they didnt advertise it anywhere.

 car rides are my favorite fookin thing ever. on the way there we were playing a lot of anime intros because they slap SO hard, especially blue exorcist’s intro, bsd, durarara, servamp, noragami, and mha. on the way home we listened to girlfriend and xANAx by badflower and bella was falling asleep so tay said, “I know what will wake you up bella” and played war on hormones by BTS and she deadass knew every single word and the dance to it it was so funny, they started playing more kpop and me and jaz were just jammin and its honestly SO good? i always used to judge people for watching anime and listening to kpop but it fucking hits so I understand now why weebs never care what others think of them lmao. we played some really good songs and I finally just got home and took my makeup off and brushed my teeth, its 12:35 now and I have school tomorrow so :/ but I just had to write this day down because it was really good. my cheeks hurt from smiling so much I love them a lot

ive been hanging with other people a lot and I worry that hannah might think im leaving her in the dust but honestly she is never away from tyler and things aren’t really the same since they started dating but its okay. I love ty a lot and they work really well together but I do miss the way things used to be

goodnight im freakin tired

[jess-keen]

starting my journaling thing back up again?

Hi I recently remembered that I had tumblr when I was 14 and I logged back in. hahahahaha I was a mess. but now I’ve kinda updated it and I realized it really helped me to have a place to vent back then so I’m back. 

Idk where to start but I usually just describe what I’m doing to get the ball rolling. I just put some dye on my eyebrows because I have dark purple hair and blonde ass eyebrows, so I’m journallin while thats happening

I recently got into anime, and I know its kinda cringey but I don’t really care anymore and I’m tryna just go off of what I think is cool at the moment and not worry about what I’m gonna think when I look back in the future. I started with avatar, then a silent voice, then my hero acedemia, naruto, blue exorcist, and hxh. Right now I’m trying to just binge watch as much as possible to catch up lol. I’m painting a pair of naruto shoes for my friend and they look fucking epic I am so excited for them :-)

I guess that I can just list off the things that have been heavy on my mind lately. Sometimes I forget that I genuinely do have healthy coping mechanisms and that I should use them. For some reason my brain just goes “nope don’t do that healthy thing that will make you feel less anxious you need to feel anxious rn” and I’m not sure why? I mean if you think about it, being mentally healthy is not really “trendy” I guess, people always joke about mental illness which I get is just another coping mechanism but it’s almost like it’s romanticizing mental issues. Anyways that’s enough of that tangent I could go on and on.

I’m 16, meaning I’m starting to think about what I want to do for a career. Right now, I want to either go into graphic design, animation, or tattoos. The main thing I’ve been seriously looking into is tattoos. I think it would be an awesome job, to be a badass female tattoo artist and to have people trust me (and pay me) to ink my art into their skin forever. My mom doesn’t really like that idea and she’s making me feel awful about it by saying things like “well am I working at whitworth for nothing then? you have to go to college and AT LEAST get your business degree!” I understand that she is trying to help and that she wants me to be successful but to be completely honest, I’m not that stressed about finding a 100% secure, high-paying, high-ranking, etc., job rn. I know myself, and if I really put my mind to it, I’ll find a way to make things work. I know that whatever I decide to put my heart into I will succeed in it. I don’t have the risk of fucking things up forever and never recovering from it. If I had a kid, or if I had the chance of ending up on the streets, or developing an addiction, or anything else that would cause me to take all of my focus off myself and my career, things would be different. But right now, I’m chillin. She has no need to be worried. I’m a good student, a good kid, I have a bright future, and I kinda just wanna feel things out because I have my whole ass life ahead of me so I will figure shit out.

The other thing that is on my mind a lot is my sexuality. It’s not really actively worrying or stressing me but it’s just kinda there in my head all the time. I have know for a while that I’m attracted to girls, but I don’t know the extent/nature of that “attraction” I guess? I know I’m sexually attracted to girls and I have feelings for girls, but it’s hard for me to picture myself in a full-blown relationship. Then again, right now its hard for me to even picture myself with a boy anyways. I’ve never experimented or anything because that would be so shitty of me to use a girl who is solid in her sexuality to figure out my own. The other thing is I don’t know if it’s a “phase” but I really don’t think it is. I remember in 8th grade seeing this girl with olive skin and dark hair in my ballet class and I thought she was so fucking beautiful. It really freaked me out that I just couldn’t stop thinking about her and I thought that I just thought she was really pretty or that I was jealous or something. But I remember being behind her in line to go across the floor in ballet and looking at the small of her back and hips and how beautiful she was and that was one of the first times I noticed I was attracted to girls. I want to “experiment” but I don’t want to hurt anyone. I guess I just want to figure it out without any relationship/no strings attached? But I hate that I want that because that’s pretty shallow. I just don’t know how I would go about a relationship with a girl, mostly because I would be terrified to come out to my parents. A few weeks ago I was talking with my mom about the topic of bisexuality and I was talking about how I know so many people who are bi. She looked up and asked me directly “are you bi?” and I had NO FUCKING CLUE how to react. Even if I am, why would you ask that? No one wants to be forced to come out. But, I did kind of walk right into it? I know that my parents wouldn’t freak out, and that they would just not understand it. But they are accepting. It’s like when you first start dating boys, you have to learn how to be in a relationship and how to go about the whole parents meeting them thing and the whole dynamic between boyfriend and parents. But I have absolutely no idea how I would go about that with a girl. Literally no idea. The thought of having a gf doesn’t freak me out and I kinda want a relationship? But then I think about her & I eating dinner with my parents and my parents knowing that I am attracted to this person and have feelings for her  and it ~stresses me the fuck out~ !! I guess I’ll figure it out as I go along but I just don’t like the uncertainty of this part of myself. I’m usually pretty go with the flow I guess, as you can sorta see with my whole career thing but when it’s something that has to do with my literal identity it freaks me out.

Also there’s the whole religion thing again. I honestly am in a place where I am completely unsure of everything again. Only six months ago I was all like wooo god christianity yes! But now I don’t even know because I just don’t feel any connection at all anymore. Part of me thinks “there’s no way you can ignore the supernatural shit you experienced” and then there’s part of me that’s like “well you believe in other realms/ghosts/whatever the hell so where does that shit fit in” and then there’s “well if you believe in demons, there must be satan, so there must be god” and that’s about where I cut myself off and don’t let myself contemplate any further for fear of spiraling into an existential crisis

I’m really tired and don’t feel like self-examining my psyche anymore so, like I said before, I’m cutting myself off so I don’t spiral into an existential crisis heh goodnight

[jess-keen]

I’m gonna start using this again like the art hoe that I am haha it’s been 2 years

[jess-keen]

Us covering ‘This Boy’ by The Beatles with the talented Bryan Estepa - feat. Will’s sexy shorts. 

[jess-keen]

"I don't like roller coasters" "Honestly like they're not that bad they're not that scary they are only scary right before they drop like they're not that bad it's just the build up that makes it scary you won't even notice that it happened when it's over and I promise you'll have fun like I swear it's not that bad *explains what the roller coaster does when I've heard it 8,000 times and I've seen it* like honestly iTs nOt tHAt BaD"

[jess-keen]

why am i so lazy but such a perfectionist it's real confusing

[jess-keen]

I wanna be productive this summer

[jess-keen]

not sure if I'll be able to sleep tonight bc I'm so excited for the new alt j album dropping tomorrow

[jess-keen]

middle school drama of the day 6/1

same boys as last time bein annoying and what not they were having a very interesting discussion deciding who in the class, boy or girl, would deepthroat better. really great to listen to, at least I had headphones well middle school (aka hell) (aka worst year of everybody's lives) is almost over. 9 more days til IM FREEE AHSHHHAHAHIREKUFKSHDJOWJFHE

[jess-keen]

middle school drama of the day

gonna start posting the most ridiculous things i hear in the halls bc i find it hilarious tbh

april 14, 2017: a kid in my class desperately tries to find every possible way to make dirty jokes, which are so forced that they’re just annoying at this point. for example:

*we’re watching a movie about sources of energy, a scene with a pipe spewing oil out of it pops up*

*five minutes pass by, you can see him really trying to think up a funny way to make a dirty joke.

he finally says; “hey, hey dude, that pipe, the one with oil coming out of it? yeah it looked like it came” (forced laughing)

[jess-keen]

“can you draw me?”

there are 3 possible outcomes for if you ask your artist friend to draw something for u and they say yes:

they draw it in 2 hours

they draw it in 6 months and apologize endlessly

they never draw it and spend the next 5 years bathing in guilt