jesuspicksmeup

[jesuspicksmeup]

Grace.

Back in 2007, I used to work at a chicken feed processing factory in Tawau where my friend and colleague, Charlene, and I shared a small two-bedroom staff quarter. The quarter was very basic with electricity from the generator and no treated tap water. Once a week, the other staff who stay in the neighbouring quarters would go to a nearby spring with their buckets and collect clean drinking water for their families. Seeing that both Charlene and I were not athletic enough to carry our own buckets of water, some of the staff would volunteer to help us collect the springwater and deliver it to our quarter. We would call this water bucket 'grace'. Being weak as we were, there was no way we could've collected our own drinking water in huge buckets if it wasn't for the grace and kindness of the other staff. Over the years, I would get reminded again of the concept of grace every now and then. In 2019, as a way to secure a comfier future for myself, I took a new job that paid more than my previous job. Before taking the job, I had prayed about it and was so clear that God had said 'no' to my question of whether or not I should take it. Nonetheless, seeing that the new job had offered 1K more than my previous job, I decided to ignore God's warning and took the offer. And truth be told, I had never been as miserable at work as I was when I took the job. And though my salary from the job may have been bigger, all other freelance opportunities quickly dried up. When I compared my total income and savings that year to the previous years during which I was paid less salary-wise, the amount I made in the previous years was still more, thanks to the bountiful freelance opportunities I enjoyed. I was quickly reminded that my daily provision comes from the Lord. I may be able to find a better-paying job for myself and look for ways to improve my chances to earn more, but if God is not in my boat and His grace is not with me, I will only be like Peter who went out to fish all night and not catch any. It became clear to me that the best I can do is to be obedient. I may not be able to control all the variables to work in my favour but as long as I pledge my obedience, the One who sustains me will be with me. Today, I came to church merely fifteen minutes before mass started. It was hard to find a parking spot, but I managed to find one just in time. The church was also already filled up when I arrived, so I took a seat outside. And just before the mass started, Uncle David approached me and said that there was one seat available inside. I got up and happily took my seat. Such grace. It reminded me again that grace always comes on time -- never early, never late, but just when you need it. Grace is also a free gift that is undeserved. There's nothing one can do to be more deserving of grace, except perhaps by acts of obedience.

[jesuspicksmeup]

He makes my lot secure.

Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure. - Psalm 16:5, NIV

I woke up this morning to an email from Fr. Cosmas of St. Simon Parish. It was in response to an article that I contributed for this week's church bulletin:

In a way, it was an affirmation to my post yesterday about staying in one's own lane and doing one's own thing -- which, for me, is writing. A verse from the book of Psalm immediately came to mind and I was reminded again how only God can make my lot secure. You see, as a person who was born as a non-favourite in my family, I had learned to 'strive' to get what I wanted for as long as I can remember. I had strived for approval, affection, and validation since I was young coz I simply didn't believe that I can get what I wanted and what I deserved simply by being me. I had believed that in order to gain approval, affection and validation from the people who mattered most to me, I had to be better, smarter, prettier and more successful than others. Even as I grew into adulthood, this habit proved to die hard and I'd still get tempted to want to prove myself to be better than others outside my own designated lane. The verse in Psalm 16 reminded me that I am enough just as I am with God as my portion and cup. This means that I don't need to try to be better than someone else and I don't need to pretend to be someone else for God's approval.

Who I am -- the heavy metal-loving, introverted, double under-challenged woman -- is already enough for Him. And in my designated lot -- as a writer; and not an athlete, musician or anything else that I'd wished I were -- I am secure.

The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;     surely I have a delightful inheritance. - Psalm 16:6, NIV

I first came across this verse when reading Hannah Yeoh's autobiography, Becoming Hannah, a couple of years back. In the book, she shared that encountering the verse gave her the affirmation that she was going to get what she had prayed for: a family and children. For a long while, I wished the same verse would hit me the same way and give me the same affirmation as Hannah's, that I would also have a family with children. Today, when this verse finally 'touches' me, I realise that everyone's boundary lines are different. All our boundary lines are pleasant, as God is a loving and just Father. Nonetheless, my boundary lines will never be the same as Hannah's, or anyone else's for that matter. Neither will my delightful inheritance be the same as everyone else's. It will be delightful but it will be my own brand of delight.

I thank God for another opportunity to glorify and serve Him, no matter how small a way it is. I've decided that if there's anything I should strive for, it will be striving to be a better steward of the gifts He's given me. At the end of the day, the only validation I need really is just God telling me, "well done, good and faithful servant! You have indeed been faithful in little things." (Matthew 25:23).

[jesuspicksmeup]

Acceptance.

Last week, I had a dream that it was my wedding day and I was going to be married to a former admirer in high school whom I was never interested in. What struck me the most about that dream was how unhappy I was. Despite it being a dream, I was so aware of what I was going to have to give up when I’m married: freedom, financial independence (and lack of other people’s dependence on mine) and the joy of living alone. At one point I thought to myself, “oh no, I’m gonna have to share my room with another person”, and then realized that perhaps, all these while I just liked the idea of being married but not real marriage in essence. In the past, I would’ve been so happy to even dream about my wedding day, regardless of whom the groom was supposed to be. I had spent a good chunk of my 20s and 30s just desperately eager to cling onto another person -- to be loved and to be taken care of -- and after years of praying for the same thing (and not having it answered) to my delight, I realized that I no longer want it. Yay! After a couple of months of not being in contact with Rick, he finally texted me yesterday and sent me an update on his dogs. We chatted for the whole day but I refused to ask about his girlfriend. I didn’t want to know and I wasn’t interested anymore. I love how blase this new me is about getting a text from a former crush. I love how much I no longer idolize having a relationship and having someone interested in me. Me being interested in me is enough. God being interested in me and always being for me is even more enough. Then it struck me: I’m finally healed. Like healed, healed. I’ve finally arrived at this destination called contentment. It’s been a long time coming and I could wish I had arrived here sooner but it’s better late than never. If anything, I wish that every girl who’s ever been broken will be able to experience this healing and wholeness in their life too. It’s freaking’ amazing! I may not have come to terms with my singleness for years before, preferring to see it instead as a ‘season’ that will shift one day -- a day that for years, I had been waiting for with bated breath. Nonetheless, this year, and six years into my singleness, I’m ready to accept it as a constant in my life and no longer a season. Prior to the pandemic, I used to feel bitter about my singleness. I thought that I deserved companionship, a husband and children. I realize that I had always seen marriage and lifelong companionship as a reward -- something that I receive for being a good girl -- as opposed to something that just happens naturally, like my period and those wrinkles on my forehead. One year into the pandemic, I realize that singleness is probably the reward that God has given me for being a good girl. Unlike most people with spouses and children, I’m not at all burdened by the worry of whether or not I am making enough to support them. I’m not burdened by the limited ‘me time’ that most married women with children struggle to have. I have plenty of time for myself, in peace and quiet, and plenty of money for myself. How is this not a reward in itself? Then, I realize that God knows best -- regardless of how I feel like I know better than Him sometimes. He knows what I can and cannot do, despite my perhaps delusional thinking. He probably knows that I won’t survive a day taking care of a baby, and my feelings for the men I’d taken interest in are as inconsistent as my pre-menstrual weight fluctuation.

Just a year ago, I was so in love with Rick that the mere thought of him made me sweat. Today, I couldn’t believe that I was ever interested in him. Talk about a good ever after candidate. I simply just don’t have it in me. I trust that whatever is happening in my life right now is indeed what is supposed to happen and what is supposed to be. I’ve lived an amazing life in the last decade or so -- marriage or not -- and I shouldn’t overlook that. God is an amazing planner and His plan for me is much better than my own. If my love story is only between God and me, then be it. It’s been really beautiful ❤️ This is how God writes my love story.

[jesuspicksmeup]

A Muslim in Iran meets an Angel on a bus.

My friend, Jessica forwarded this story to me in an email (back when there was no social media) and I actually spent an hour looking for it on Google search. Luckily, I found it! And I’m posting it here just so that everyone else can enjoy it too. Read the rest of the story here. On the bus, I was sitting next to a man. He opened his bag and took out a sandwich which was wrapped in newspaper. I was very hungry since I had not eaten regular food in almost six months. I did not want to look at his food but I just couldn't stand the smell of the kabobs. He turned around and asked me if I would like one. Without hesitating as we usually do in Iranian culture, I asked for one. Instead of one, he gave me two out of the three that he had with him. 

I asked for his name and he said that his name was Yacub. I had never heard that name before. So I asked, "What kind of name is this?" He said "Hebrew". "Ahh, so you are a Jew?" I asked back. "No, I am a Christian", he said. I had heard a lot of negative things about Christians in the Quran so I did not want to get into a conversation about Christianity. But something inside me made me wonder why he believed in it (Christianity)? I asked if he believed that Jesus was the son of God. The answer was yes. How could God have a wife? How could God have sex? 

He started explaining that to say that God had sex with Mary is the greatest sin. But rather Jesus is the son of God in a spiritual way and not like the way we are born. And we never say that God ever had a wife, we believe in a holy God. I wanted to stop the conversation and begin a different subject. I could not think of any other subject, so I asked him why he was going to Kurdistan. He said that a friend needed some help with something. 

I asked for his name he said Zana. That was my name. But I thought it was a different person. He opened his bag and very quietly gave me a Bible. He put it in my bag. He knew that if someone saw him with that book it could cost him his life. I asked what it was. He told me that I would find out later.

We got to Mahabad and I got off the Bus before he did. I got my bag and was waiting outside for Yacub (Jacob) to come off, but the bus was empty and he still had not come out. I went to the driver and asked him where the man sitting next to me had gone? To my astonishment and confusion he said, "There was no man sitting next to you." 

Was I crazy or what? I said maybe I was dreaming. But I still had the taste of the sandwich in my mouth. I still had the book in my bag. What was Yacub? Who was he? Why didn't he go to his friend's house? Then I remembered that the friend's name was Zana and only then realized he meant me.

[jesuspicksmeup]

You do you, boo.

I haven’t been writing in this blog for the past four months or so, and who knew that a lot of things would take place in so little time! Following the COVID-19 outbreak, life has drastically changed for many. Taking 2019 as a year full of ominous warnings – though I didn’t know what about – I quit my job by end of the year because I felt led to, and was later felt led to accepting a job with a digital marketing company so much smaller than my previous one. It didn’t make sense then but now it does. Kinda.

You can only hear God for you.

I remember my first time quitting a job in pursuit of a dream I thought God gave me. I was working as a lab assistant in a chicken feed mill and was getting paid RM1000 per month, but I didn’t know if I was worth that much then, and chasing dreams seemed to be something only applicable to picture-perfect American TV drama lives. Not mine.

Nonetheless, two years after starting the job and a copy of The Purpose Driven Life later, I was finally ready to take that plunge and become a journalist – something I dreamed about yet not have any training or educational background for. My dad, however, was totally against it.

“Did you know how difficult it is to find a job these days?” he said one day after I had expressed my desire to quit and start working as a journalist (I’ve attended the interview and gotten a job without telling him).

“You might as well stay where you are, sooner or later your boss will give you a raise,” he added.

I was conflicted between the desire to please him (I used to have a ginormous daddy issue growing up) and the desire to follow my passion. Besides, he’s my elder and elders were supposed to have a foreknowledge of everything, or so I thought. I was rather worried that I was making the wrong decision and would later suffer losses if I refuse to heed his advice.

I quit my job anyway. Today, I’m so glad I did. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be where I am now.

Similarly, when I expressed my intention to leave my job to a respected church friend last year, she, too, advised against it.

“You’re in such a good company with good stability. Why leave?” she said.

From the outside, the job had looked peachy. Within a year, the company had sent on overseas working trips and put me to stay in nice hotels. What’s not to like? However, I couldn’t communicate with her what only I know, and obviously, the only person who needed to make the decision was me. I had no business going around asking for (human) approval for what God has told me to do.

So, I left. It felt really dumb for a while. And when I ended up taking another job, as opposed to starting my own business, some friends poked fun at me. And then, COVID-19 struck and half the people in the old company are now either jobless or forced to go on an extended unpaid leave. Luckily for me, digital marketing is one of the few industries that are not so severely affected. So, I’m lucky enough not to have to undergo a pay cut.

Who knew that a decision that had looked stupid months ago would eventually end up being my saving grace? What would’ve happened if I were disobedient? Only goes to show that I can only hear God for myself. It’s the only thing that I can’t ask a second opinion about. Reminds me that faith is obeying in spite of doubt. If there were reassurance everywhere, then it wouldn’t be faith.

This could be your dream life.

But you just don’t know it yet…

Prior to being quarantined, I used to be focused so much on things I don’t have – like a husband and kids. Being in quarantine for almost a month now, and regularly going over to my neighbours’ for dinner, I now realized something I’d never admitted to myself before: I don’t think I could ever survive being quarantined together with another person for an extended time period.

I may not realize it then but this could be my dream life after all. Tucked in at home alone with the optional company. Luckily, thanks to me being an introvert, I don’t hate the quarantine period that much. In fact, I’ve been pretty productive, working from home and hammering out at least an article a day. Life is (unexpectedly) good. Thank you, God.

[jesuspicksmeup]

2015 - take two!

This year so far has felt so much like 2015 on so many levels. For one, 2015 was one of the most impactful years I’ve lived through in a while. 

By February 2015, I was jobless, freshly wounded from a breakup, abruptly let go by a gym i used to teach at and my self-esteem was at an all-time low. The only thing that’s different between now and 2015 is that now I’m back in church and blessed with the support system I didn’t have then. I also have a brand new, intimate relationship with God. 

it was so difficult for me then because I didn’t know how much I could trust Him, and in the end, He proved himself to be so faithful. 2015 ended up being a very fruitful year. I remember not expecting much because the job I ended up taking that year -- after four months of unemployment -- paid about 30% lower than my last job. I ended up earning more that year than the previous years. 

It only goes to show that I may not have a plan, or have an inkling of what’s going to happen in the future. But the One who holds me in His palm knows what He’s doing. Therefore, I’m just going to sit back and rest in His goodness.

It’s only been ten days into 2020 but am already a bit antsy wondering where to go next. I don’t doubt God’s plan for my life, I just hope I wouldn’t be so restless and bored all the time. I’ll use my free time to write and sharpen the gift that He’s blessed me with. So far, I’ve updated Kooke Jar’s logo and Facebook profile pictures. I look forward to start receiving clients again. Amen!

[jesuspicksmeup]

I am but a grasshopper.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. - Joshua 1:9; NIV

The same words of encouragement were spoken to the Israelites circa 40 years ago, before they were doomed to walk laps around the wilderness due to their disobedience and ultimately, unbelief. 

I could imagine the 12 spies of Israel feeling all gung ho and excited to take possession of the land that the Lord claimed to have given to them. But, as soon as they came, they immediately stood face to face with their biggest insecurities: people as tall as giants!

“This couldn’t possibly be!” says one of them, “we’re just like grasshoppers in our our own sight! We’re sure they saw us the same way too.” (Numbers 13:3).

Did God really say that?

Some 10 years ago, right after pulling me out of my lab job and into my calling as a writer (also fighting insecurities along the way), God was gracious enough to give me a vision about writing a book.

In the vision, I was standing behind bend on which two young ladies were sitting. One of them was holding a book and so the other lady asked her what book was she reading. The lady told her that it’s a book by an author called Nova Renata. She said it’s her favourite author, she’s very inspiring.

Following that vision, I started walking with a different spring in my steps. Why shouldn’t I? I was anointed! Besides, God gave me His word that I will get to write a book (or books?). I felt really good. Probably the same way the twelve spies had felt before stepping into Canaan.

Everything changed when I attended my very first writing workshop in KL. I was the youngest aspiring author in the midst of some 20 other aspiring authors -- some of them twice my age -- who are yet, still aspiring. We’ve had many activities throughout the two day workshop and on the second day, we got to read our short stories aloud. By then, I quickly realized that these other aspiring authors were really good. 

And if they’re still just aspiring after all these while, then it mustn’t be that easy to write a book after all. What makes me think I can do better?

Suddenly, all that confidence was replaced by me feeling small -- like a grasshopper -- and in that moment I wondered, “God did you really say that? Or did I just make that one up?”

However, I did end up writing my first book in 2016 -- seven years after the vision; which, quite honestly, I had stopped taking seriously after the writing workshop. But, having the benefit of hindsight today, I suppose, what I’ve learned from that experience is that it is impossible if it’s all up to me. But I have the Lord of the Universe holding my hand, directing my path and opening up new opportunities for me. 

For nothing is impossible with God (Luke 1:37).

The same was to happen for the Israelities. When they came back to re-attempt the possession of Canaan 40 years later, this time all the warriors in the group had died. All they had were grasshoppers who’d never fought their whole lives. Yet, God came through to show that His grace rushes abound in their weakness. And that is how we grasshoppers who are otherwise, untrained in warfare, get to conquer our Promised Land.

[jesuspicksmeup]

Project Joshua, part 2

"Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you." - Deuteronomy 31.6, NASB

I sat at the lawyer’s office, pen in my hand and ready to place my signatures on what seemed to be a large stack of papers. “How many copies are there?” I asked, feeling a little intimidated and nervous for my bank account.

“Four copies each for Sales & Purchase Agreement and Housing Loan.”

I swallowed hard and started scribbling down my signature as the lawyer placed down the copy after copy of the documents in front of me. Buying my own house was a huge step in my life. It doesn’t just mean having a ball and chain to pay for for the next couple of years or so, but also the other expenses and maintenance costs that would inevitably come with the house-ownership.

One part of me was relieved, even proud of myself. I’ve known so many other people who’d only bought their own house after they’ve gotten married and have two incomes to combine. I was still single and I’ve bought my first house on my own. If this wasn’t a testament of independence, I don’t know what was.

I mentally listed down all the so-called accomplishments that I have enjoyed over the last five years of my life: wrote a book, started a company, got healed from an unhealthy relationship pattern, got back to walking with God, donating my old car to my sister and buying a new car, traveled and got my travel articles published and paid for. 

Today, as I continued to scribble down my signature, I was reminded of what the Lord has requested of me for the past year or so: to leave my job and come follow Him. 

“Be strong and courageous,” He said. “Do not be afraid or tremble.”

Last year, when He gave me the same direction, I cowered and ended up taking a job that I wasn’t meant to take. It ended up being a truly miserable year. But as soon as I decided to listen and do what was told, a peace that surpasses all understanding swept all over me. Of course, there was still concern. A healthy dose of concern over how will I get the money needed to pay off my mortgage, all because I’m a responsible adult and this was a legit thing to get concerned with.

But there was indescribable peace like no other. Like, “ahh...this is right. This is right where I need to be.”

Out of curiosity, I decided to flip through the notebook in which I’d noted down all my expenses and incomes since 2015. I had spent a huge chunk of 2015 freelancing full time, and when I did eventually get a job, that job paid 30% less than my last drawn salary. Still, the cumulative income of those six months of freelancing and another six months of earning 30% less was more than what I’ve accumulated this year. I was promptly reminded that provision is not up to me. It’s God’s to decide.

Quite honestly, the only reason why I took this job was because It offered 30% more than my last drawn salary, and I thought that there’s no way God was going to bring me a better deal. And so I suffered, trying to provide for myself and willfully disobeying God. I finally had enough and quit. Honestly, I had expected to feel scared and anxious, but surprisingly, all I had was peace.

I will not fail or forsake you.

“God, this means I’ll have to pay RM720 more each month. Please provide for me,” I whispered under my breath.

It’s just RM720. Others have trusted me for millions! And I have come through for them. I felt the Spirit convicting me.

Right, I thought. I have no idea what to do next, or how I was going to pay for my first mortgage installment. But I know He will come through, because that’s just who He is. He’s a promise keeper. And He will not lead me all the way here just to leave me hanging. I have to trust Him. He will do it again. He will come through again. But first, I will have to give Him a chance to come through for me.

[jesuspicksmeup]

Leaving Haran.

7 Now these are the records of the descendants of Terah. Terah was the father of Abram (Abraham), Nahor, and Haran; and Haran was the father of Lot. 28 Haran died before his father Terah in the land of his birth, in [a]Ur of the Chaldeans. 29 Abram and Nahor took wives for themselves. The name of Abram’s wife was Sarai (later called Sarah), and the name of Nahor’s wife was Milcah, the daughter of Haran, the father of Milcah and Iscah. 30 But Sarai was barren; she did not have a child.

31 Terah took Abram his son, and Lot the son of Haran, his grandson, and Sarai his daughter-in-law, his son Abram’s wife; and they went out together to go from Ur of the Chaldeans into the land of Canaan; but when they came to Haran [about five hundred and fifty miles northwest of Ur], they settled there. 32 Terah lived two hundred and five years; and Terah died in Haran. - Genesis 11:27-32, AMP

The other day, I listened to a sermon by Joel Osteen about the dangers of settling. In the midst of the sermon, he shared the oft-overlooked passage about the story of Terah, Abraham’s father. 

According to the passage, Terah was the original person to whom God had given the instruction to move from Ur and go into the land of Canaan. But instead of proceeding into Canaan -- where God’s promised land is -- Terah stopped short after travelling 550 miles northwest and settled in Haran -- a land that reminded him of his late son.

The story of Terah, although short, is probably one of the most heartbreaking tales in the Bible about how potentials are not met simply because people decided to let go of God’s promises and settle where they’re not meant to stay.

This passage jumped straight at me specifically because, two years ago, God has given me a word to leave my job, go to Melbourne and start something on my own. There were plenty of signs and confirmations leading to that decision -- from me seeing ‘Melbourne’ everywhere I turned and getting a flight ticket at RM150, to getting random people sending me messages asking if I’m hiring. Little by little, all these signs managed to nudge me to make a move, and indeed, I quit my job and flew to Melbourne in December last year.

But that’s about all my 550-mile journey northwest brought me to. A month later, I came home and took a job that the Lord clearly said ‘no’ to me taking and am miserable ever since. Sure, there were moments when I thought that the job wasn’t so bad, but overall, the environment, the people and the job descriptions do not suit me very well. In a week, I would probably feel like resigning at least twice, which is bad considering the fact that I’ve only been there for eight months.

So, this time, after settling in my Haran for eight months, I’ve made the decision to resign in December so I can start afresh again in January. I still don’t know how to start going about promoting Kookie Jar as a business, let alone how to develop it into a proper people-hiring entity that I want it to become; but I know that God isn’t as clueless as I am. He has a plan and He will execute it -- I just need to get my arse out of Haran first.

I used to be so protective of my savings, like, I don’t want to chip at it lest I ‘taint’ its perfect number. But who am I kidding, really? God has provided for me exactly for such times as this! Money isn’t meant to be hoarded, it’s meant to be used and used to help others as well. Also, I’ll have to constantly remind myself that my money isn’t even mine. it’s all God’s. If today He chooses that I keel over and die, all my money saved will inadvertently go to my sister, whom I’d often looked at with disdain for what I’ve considered as lack of effort in life.

So, here I am getting up and saddling my donkey to leave Haran. I have no idea what’s waiting on the other side, but I trust the One who calls.

[jesuspicksmeup]

Why?

I sat next to a much older ex-colleague in church last Sunday. It's been a while since we've met, so we took the opportunity in the few minutes before mass started to catch up on each other's lives. I told her where I'm now working, and where else I've been ever since I left the company six years ago. She filled me in on her children and grandchildren -- she's got two of them now.

"Are you married?" She finally asked after some moments of hesitation. 

"Nope," I said.

"But how come? You're so pretty!"

I shrugged. "I don't know. No one wants to marry me." 

I've regurgitated the same reason a hundred times over each time someone asked me the marriage question. Come to think of it, I was only telling the truth. If someone had wanted to marry me, then it would already have happened, wouldn't it? If there’s anything pretty can’t help, it’s getting you married and marrying well.

But I'm thankful that I've definitely gotten better with time. I used to hate that "why aren't you married" question as it would trigger some deep-seated self-doubt in me. I would try to crack a joke and eventually come wailing to God later that day, asking Him what's wrong with me.

As I trudge into another year of singlehood, now at 35, I no longer question why God allows me to be alone for so long. I simply choose to trust that He knows best. The more I look back at my life's history, the more I'm convinced that He's planned this all along.

At 13, I was the first of my girlfriends to have had a boyfriend (and later was also the first to lose my virginity). I still remember how one day, over our study session, my friend Michelle asked me how it felt like kissing a guy. I blushed with pride and dished about my so-called experience. 

Today, more than 20 years later after that conversation took place, Michelle and a gaggle of my other high school girlfriends, are now talking about breastfeeding and choosing the right school for their kids. Yet I'm still here, steadfastly single. Oh the irony. 

Yet I'm convinced that if God hasn't got a purpose for this life season, things would've easily turned out different for me. Perhaps with two kids, a divorce, a jobless boyfriend and another kid on the way.

I used to ask God 'why me?'. But now, I realize that it can't possibly be appropriate to ask 'why me?' and not ask 'why not me?'

Like, why not me, God?

Why am I not the one with the cancer?

Why wasn't I the one killed in that accident?

Why am I the one blessed with great gifts?

Why was I the one granted the opportunity to write a book?

Why, between my autistic and dyslexic siblings, am I the only one born normal?

If I'm not willing to ask why God allows good things in my life, then I'm also not entitled to ask why God allows bad things in my life. Besides, as I have experienced in the past four years, singleness is fun and rewarding. I've enjoyed myself immensely, and I could never have built a closer relationship with God if I were to be busy fawning over someone else.

So, I honestly don't know why I'm not married, yes, although I'm not at all bad looking. But I do know that the One who calls me knows His reason(s). Whatever His reasons may be, I know that He has a great plan for my life (Jeremiah 29:11). His will for my life is good, pleasing and perfect (Romans 12:2). I'll leave it at that.

[jesuspicksmeup]

From Sephora to the drugstore.

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. - Philippians 4:12, NIV

I’ve rambled on and on about this being the most humbling season of my life and how I’m struggling with not having as much as I used to. But I think, I never really came to terms with it until much recently. I didn’t want to accept it as it is. As a regular Joel Osteen sermon streamer, I, too want to believe that my God is only going to take me higher with each step. I didn’t want to believe that I will be in this season of want for long. Truthfully, I didn’t want it to be this way.

Nonetheless, a Bible verse came to mind the other day, it was Philippians 4:12; predecessor of the better-known “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” of Philippians 4:13. Then it occurred to me that this is probably why God is bringing me into this season of sorts -- silence, barrenness and want -- so that I will know what it is to be in need, how it is to have plenty and the secret of being content in both seasons in life.

I was sorting out my dressing table the other day and realized how many expensive stuff I own -- SK-II creams, Estee Lauder serums, Thomas Sabo jewellery -- all of which, I had splurged on without batting an eyelid during my more bountiful season. I shook my head at how I had spent so much money on something so unimportant. I event half-wished that I could turn the charm bracelet I’d purchased (costing over MYR1500) back into cash.

Of course, I’d never thought I’d think of it this way at the time. I only knew I had plenty to spend, and I (somewhat foolishly) assumed that it would last forever, since my God is a God of prosperity. Or so I thought.

But more than making me prosperous and comfortable, I think my God is more interested in moulding my character to become more like Jesus Christ. Yes, I worked hard, I was a good steward to His gifts. I managed my opportunities well while they lasted, but I was also quickly getting a little bit cocky with the success I had enjoyed. I would look down on anybody else who wasn’t having a great season -- kinda like where I am now -- and think that they’re unfruitful simply because they’re lazy.

But God’s providence is a lot more complex than that. As I had learned when I woke up one morning and literally being greeted by a book deal in my email inbox. I can work all night -- like Peter who went to fish all night and caught nothing -- and still be fruitless if God is not in my boat. Perhaps, I’ve been trusting on my material resources too much that I’d forgotten who my real Source is. He told me rather plainly not to take this job but I went ahead and took it, hence, this barren detour.

Perhaps, the must humbling feeling for me of late was that of walking into Sephora one day and, after carefully considering my budget, decided that I should go find a similar alternative at the drugstore because I could do a lot more with the extra MYR50 that I could save. I also realized that, no matter how many material things I’ve accumulated, who I am in essence will remain the same. I am still loved and precious in His eyes; albeit in need of a little discipline.

If there’s only one takeaway message from this season that I can commit to memory forever, it will be that the Lord does all things and all things He pleases. There’s no reason to ask why. The only thing I need to know is that the Lord is faithful. If I will be patient to endure His testing, I will emerge better, stronger and pure like gold.

I have learned a lot this season and He’s been speaking to me regarding His will more clearly (or that I’ve been able to hear more clearly because I have lesser distractions).

Yes, Lord. I will leave this job and trust You with where to go next.

Yes, I will write and speak and do whatever You want, whenever You prompt me to.

Yes, I will wait for Your timetable and trust You with Your leading.

Yes, I will humble myself because all I am is dust in the wind.

[jesuspicksmeup]

New season ahead.

Years 2015 to 2018 had seen me greatly and abundantly blessed financially. For the first time in my life, I saw my earnings multiplied over the years and I was so thankful to God for it. I was able to give my sister my old car and buy myself a new car, I managed to travel every other month and still save up more than 20K in a year, and for the first time ever, I didn’t have a need to budget. I could just go and get whatever I wanted and still have plenty to save each month. And so, I thought that season was going to last forever.

This year, however, things started off very slowly and eventually trickled to a halt. I am thankful that I still have a job but I am nowhere earning what I was earning before. Many stories in the Bible come to mind whenever I think about my current circumstances. Most of the time, I feel like I’m living the story of Peter who went to fish all night and caught nothing. It isn’t like I’m not working hard enough; the opportunities and provisions are simply just not there.

Many times I would pray, “God, please provide for me. Please send me more jobs so I can save up again...” still, six months into 2019 my finances and professional life are pretty much barren. Decidedly, I am still finding it difficult to adapt to this new season of my life. I’ve never had to budget in ages, and suddenly, I find myself having to keep track of my spending and to analyze between needs and wants, just so that I would have something to save up at the end of each month.

I lamented to close friends how I’m just waiting for God to bring back all the blessings yet again. I would talk about how wonderful things were in the past few years and how confusing things are today. One day, my friend Amy (who isn’t all churchy and savvy in all the Christian lingo) blurted out, “perhaps that was a different season, and it’s ended. Now, you’re entering a brand new season, and you’ll have to get used to that.”

I was surprised that I never actually thought if that possibility before. I kept trying convince myself that this is probably just a short (barren) hiatus and that God will soon start blessing me again. Then, the Spirit reminded me of Moses and his journey from the palace to the wilderness. He had started off rich, privileged, and he could’ve turned a blind eye to his people’s plight as slaves on a foreign land, but he’d chosen to answer God’s call and follow Him to lead His people into the wilderness, to a place where he, himself didn’t get to step foot on.

Sometimes, I would look back and wonder what if I hadn’t heed what I thought to be God’s call and quit everything to go to Melbourne last year. I still would’ve had the old job that I loved dearly and the freelance remote jobs that were keeping my bank balance cushy. Right after coming back from Melbourne, things had not been the same, and I have yet to be able to find my groove back. Being a person who likes to always remain busy, this gets me somewhat frustrated. I kept asking God ‘why?’.

One day, I felt the Spirit confirming what I have heard from Amy: I am bringing you into a new season, get used to it. 

I don’t know what season it will be but I can sense in my spirit that this coming season will change my life forever. I won’t be able to do as I like anymore. I have a feeling that I, like what Jesus had said to Peter, will no longer be able to dress myself and go wherever I please. Instead, someone else will dress me and take me where I don’t want to go (John 21:18). This revelation sounds pretty ominous, but I think that it simply means that my season of being selfish and living for myself is almost over. Soon, I will be living a life of service, and in that life, I will be forced to do what I’m learning to do now: budget, practice self-control, plan and have less time to work.

Well, ok Lord. Whatever You say.

I guess, part of the lesson is in letting go of things and attachments of the past. I have been so attached to my work and my earnings that I have allowed them to somewhat define my self-worth. Part of why it feels especially difficult for me now isn’t really about the money -- I still have enough -- but rather because I feel like I’ve been stagnating for too long. There hasn’t been any doors opening in the past six months and I will have to find my self-worth where it’s truly should be found: my identity in God.

I am reminded (bitterly) that I am not my job, my money or my talent. They’re all God’s, I’m just the steward. Changing seasons offer that stark reminder: naked I came from my mother’s womb, and I will return to God naked (Job 1:21; Ecclesiastes 5:15).

[jesuspicksmeup]

Level accomplished!

I still remember sitting next to Gary on the pew that Saturday, I was in KL that weekend for a creative writing workshop and right after the workshop, Gary would pick me up for sunset mass before taking me out for dinner and a walk in the park before sending me back to my hotel room. He was such a nice guy.

I had met Gary online a couple of months ago. We’ve got a couple of mutual friends and he loved to read, so when he sent a friend request, I accepted. Gary was clear about his intention from day 1: he thought I was smart and cute, and since I’m Catholic like him, he’d like to see where things could go. Although he was clear, he never came too strong. I’d been reading far too many Christian relationship books at that point, so I thought this could be God’s answer to my prayer.

Nonetheless, regardless of how much I’d wanted to like Gary, I never could have any feelings for him -- all despite him having every attribute that I’m supposed to like. I remember glancing at Gary in church and feeling somewhat angry at myself for failing to appreciate the moment. Failing to appreciate the nice guy God had sent my way. 

Turned out, it would be the last time Gary and I would meet as two weeks later, i would crawl back into the arms of an ex who had cheated on me months earlier and tell a dumbfounded Gary that I just couldn’t do it.

“What’s wrong with me?” I would later ask myself, repeatedly over the next couple of years. There’s just something broken and unhealed inside me that would be fatally drawn towards men who were bad for me. After Gary, there would be two more nice guys whom I would flat out reject. It wasn’t as if I was merely unattracted to them; rather, I was inexplicably repulsed by them. 

Healed and whole.

That episode with Gary happened in February of 2009, on a Valentine’s Day weekend. I were to have two more failed relationships with the wrong kind of men before God finally healed me and made me whole. That day I would remember forever as the first time I would feel so liberated from former chains.

So, a couple of months ago I made acquaintances with a new friend from church whom I’d probably seen many times before. I would see him again several more times in the course of six months and I’ve slowly began feeling the attraction building up since that day.

I am excited by this as I feel like this is finally the confirmation I need to know that I finally been healed and made whole! It took me probably fifteen years of reading Christian relationship books and trying to convince my mind and heart to want what God wants for me, and it finally happens! The victory in this, I think, is really in how God has created in me a new heart and transformed my mind that I am finally able to love what is good instead of merely going for what’s pleasing to the flesh.

I don’t even mind if nothing happens with the church acquaintance. It’s great if it does, but if it doesn’t, God has already given me the better part of the blessing: the healing of my heart and mind. That’s what am most thankful for <3.

[jesuspicksmeup]

Hindsight.

This season of my life has been pretty challenging, but I guess every season is there for a reason, and regardless of what the reason is, it’s still my responsibility to make full use of God’s investment in me. You know, to be a good steward of His gifts. 

This season, since I’m struggling with idleness, I thought I might as well make the most of it by giving back I do best: write. Last week, I decided that I will make a point to write something everyday, whether or not I feel like it. And today, after several days being prodded and prompted by the Spirit, I finally texted my old editor and asked him if I could write a four-part article series about ocean conservation. 

I wouldn’t get paid for it, but at least seeing my work in print will inject some joy back into my life, and yes, I made sure that he’d agree to giving me a byline. Here’s another hindsight that has downed on me this season of idleness:

I’m not your father.

In the past, I’ve read articles and stories about women who grew up with absent fathers and how it affected their relationships with their boyfriends/husbands in the future. Up until now, I’ve always thought that I was lucky enough to have ‘escaped’ the same consequence although I, too, had grown up with absent dad and a nonexistent maternal figure.

In His goodness, God has brought me face to face with my maternal resentment a year ago, telling me to ‘forgive my mother’ when I kept encountering feelings of resentment whenever I came across women who had unplanned pregnancy. The Spirit revealed to me that the reason why I resented these women was because they represented my mother and what she had failed to be for me:present. And so, I associated these women with being weak, irresponsible and unfit to become mothers. Just like how I had subconsciously viewed my own mother. 

It took me a long and painful process to finally come to terms with my mommy issue and gradually forgave my mother for failing my expectations. I thought that was the last of it. I never thought I had any daddy issues as well.

In all my previous romantic relationships, I’ve had this habit of trying to impress my partners by doing well at work, school or whatever it was that I was working on. My intention, as I would later realize, was to impress them so they would love me more and appreciate me better. I thought that being better and striving to be more successful would in turn make them realize how worthy I was. To my chagrin, this had always backfired. Instead of recognizing my desire for praise and appreciation, these men would often feel threatened and see my success as my attempt to control them.

For some reason, my personality had always managed to attract insecure men who were just looking to be adored by their partners. In my last relationship, which ended two years ago, I would carefully collect the clippings of my  articles so that I could show them to my then-partner. He was never really interested in my talent and capabilities as a person, but I was so eager to impress him -- the same way a child is often so eager to impress their father.

I can’t remember what happened one day when my then-partner blurted out, out of the blue, “I don’t want to be your dad, Nova”.

I was taken aback but was too overloaded with emotional baggage to have any understanding of what he could have possibly meant. I didn’t ask further, but in hindsight, I realize that he could possibly be referring to how I was so eager for his approval in everything that I did. It was almost like, I didn’t feel validated in my successes and achievements until he had given me any sort of compliment.

Today, being healthier and more wholesome, knowing my worth as a child of God, my eyes are finally opened to this unhealthy tendency and how it had put so much unwarranted pressure on my partners. They were looking for a partner who would love and encourage them, and not an insecure little girl hungry for validation of her self-worth.

I am learning something new everyday, and this is probably what this season of silence is for: to help me slow down and reflect. I know something has changed in my heart as I have since felt a pressing desire to tell anyone about my accomplishments. It’s been a while since I felt a need to impress anyone, whether or not I am attracted to them. I am finally secure in myself. Comfortable in my own skin, warts and all. I’m sure there are more that God plans to unfold in my life. I will be still and wait as He peels to unveil them.

[jesuspicksmeup]

But the Lord was not in the wind.

The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.”

Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.13 When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.

Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” - 1 Kings 19:11-13

“God often speaks loudest when we're quietest.” ― Mark Batterson, Whisper: How to Hear the Voice of God

During my earlier years as a Christian, I was always reluctant to believe that God is able to answer prayers and speak to a situation in a less than dramatic manner. So, for many years, I had deluded myself into thinking that unless something is mind-blowing and dramatically miraculous, it couldn’t possibly be from God. Many years down the road, with God’s grace, I managed d to grow out of that immaturity and learn the hard truth as told in the story of Elijah: God is not always in the dramatic. Sometimes He’s also in the mundane.

One can understand why Elijah would expect God to show up in a dramatic fashion every single time. In fact, just a chapter prior, in 1 Kings 18:38, God had answered Elijah’s prayer and caused fire to come down from heaven in a high-octane duel to prove who is the one true God. Naturally, Elijah must’ve assumed that because God is able to perform the dramatic, He will, therefore, continue to show Himself in dramatic fashion from then on.

However, God proved to Eijah that while He is able to perform mind-blowing miracles when the situation calls for it, He still prefers to speak in still small voice. He could shout, yes, but He’d still rather whisper. Why? Because in order to hear His whispers, one would have to draw really close to Him, which is what He desires for His children.

Go get your shoes.

One of the most significant occurrences in my life during which I had to listen hard to God’s still small voice was last year when I was preparing to attend a journalism awards ceremony.

The event just happened to fall on the same day as my previous company’s annual dinner. Prior to that day, I had been in dilemma for weeks trying to decide whether or not to attend the ceremony. It was my last month working in previous company and my then-colleagues were hoping that we would make precious memories together before I were to leave. 

Although I felt that I had worked hard for many years to get nominated and recognised for my written works, I didn’t want to disappoint my colleagues and in the end, decided that I would just swing by venue to drop my invitation card (in case I’d get something in the lucky draw!) and pick up the doorgift before proceeding to the annual dinner venue.

I was wearing flip flops as I left my house, thinking that since I wouldn’t be staying long at the awards ceremony venue, I wouldn’t need to dress properly (and the annual dinner was at a beachside venue). As I was driving off, I felt a still small voice telling me, “go get your shoes”. It was not forceful or strong a voice. In fact, had I been listening to the radio or distracted with something else while I was driving, I could’ve easily missed the nudge.

I was less that a few hundred metres from my apartment when I sensed the voice, so I decided to make a U-turn and quickly grabbed a pair of heels. I had to endure really heavy traffic heading into the venue. Due to the heavy traffic, the VIP was scheduled to arrive a bit later and I, too, was held back. My colleagues were wondering where I was and I could sense that they weren’t happy that I was late to the annual dinner. 

I was impatient to leave but since the category that I was nominated for was going to be amongst the first to be announced, I decided to wait it up anyway. Besides, I was leaving the company in a few weeks, things would eventually blow over with my colleagues, so I thought.

When the nominees of my category were announced, I was so surprised to have myself announced as the winner. For the first time, I had the opportunity to go on stage and receive my award, in my shoes no less. It ended up being a fun night, despite my initial expectations. I only expected to win a lucky draw and bring home a couple of doorgifts, but the Lord had something better. 

Looking back, I was awestruck by how timely God’s voice was on that day. What if I hadn’t brought my shoes? I wouldn’t probably even be allowed at the venue, let alone on stage. I may have missed that moment of a lifetime to receive the accolade that represented my cumulative hard work for the past 12 years or so. It was a miracle, and yet it didn’t involve anything dramatic; just God telling me to get my shoes. 

I was also awestruck by how easy it can be to miss out on God’s direction in one’s life. He could be telling me something right this moment and if I am not still and quiet enough, I won’t hear Him. If I don’t make the effort to draw near, I won’t hear Him. This is precisely why David says, “be still (and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10). We need to be really still and pay attention. 

As Christians, our aim everyday is like hunting for a heartbeat -- God’s heartbeat -- and to seek God’s heart is to find His will. Be quiet and listen.

[jesuspicksmeup]

The art (and science) of discernment.

I have to admit that the word ‘discernment’ was probably one of the most abused word by me when I was just starting out my walk with the Lord. 

I’d hear my more mature church friends use that word in their daily conversations and wonder how I could also incorporate it in mine. But the truth was, I never really knew how to discern on anything. In fact, up until now, I don’t think anyone could really pinpoint what constitutes a proper discernment process: of how long it’s supposed to take or how many people are supposed to be involved, etc.

Circa 13 years later since the beginning of my Christian journey today, I suddenly feel compelled to put my experience of (attempting) to discern correctly into words and here are what I’ve learned:

1. Sometimes you just can’t have a fixed time frame

Some Christian books that I’ve read stated that you need to have a fixed time frame when you’re going through a discernment process. While this may be true in some cases, in most of the circumstances I’ve been through, this was not really the case.

I had actually discerned for a whole year in 2007 when I needed to decide whether to take that first step in quitting my job to become a writer. I didn’t recognise the decision-making process as a discernment back then, but in hindsight, it was what it was.

Similarly, it had taken me two years to discern whether to take that plunge and fly to Melbourne for Project Joshua last year. Yet, it’s taken me a lot shorter time to discern whether or not to leave this job that I’m in now to start with my own PR business (this hasn’t happened yet, but is in the works). 

I’ve learned that every circumstance is different and you can’t force God’s Spirit to come inspire you on cue as you please. So, be prepared to give it time -- sometimes even longer than you’ve expected to give.

2. You’ll never get a definite ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer

I’ve learned over the years that you’ll never be totally sure that something is for you. You can only trust that you’ve inquired the Lord in extensive prayer time and sought the wise counsel of other mature believers. 

Trust that He will never give a definite ‘yes’ or ‘no’ before you take that first step of faith. If He had told you the outcome beforehand, you wouldn’t need faith to move forward. In fact, faith is the assurance of things hoped for yet unseen (Hebrews 11:1). We demonstrate our faith by moving forward with the assurance of God’s loving character. It is in that constant act of stepping forward in faith will we discover what’s next.For He only reveals one step ahead and never beyond.

3. Get the counsel of mature Christians

Though not too many of them.

I had been blessed to have the counsel of a mature Christian friend in each of my discernment journey who made sure that I was on course throughout the process. 

I have learned (from countless books and experience) that God always dispenses His will in four ways: His word, the Holy Spirit’s prompting and sense of discombobulating peace, circumstantial alignment and word of confirmation from others. 

In determining His will, one has to look our for all four signs -- that it doesn’t contradict what’s written in God’s word, that you get a sense of supernatural peace from it, that your circumstances suddenly agree (open doors, fortunate breaks, sudden coincidences, etc,) and people around you will somehow confirm it, whether they realise it or not. 

If not all four signs are present, your main priority first and foremost is to make sure that your decision agrees with God’s word. It is the only non-negotiable in the discernment process.

4. Discomfort is the new normal

Sometimes it becomes way too easy to get distracted from what God wills for you, especially when it involves getting a little uncomfortable, and the status quo seems like a better option. I’ve experienced this firsthand when I stayed too long in a job or a relationship when it was already clear that God wanted me to move forward. 

However, another thing that God uses to nudge me forward oftentimes is the discomfort of unwelcome changes. In 1 Kings 17:1-7, the Lord commanded Elijah to hide by the brook Cherith where he can drink from the brook while the ravens feed him with bread and meet twice a day. Nonetheless, when it was time to go, God allowed the brook to dry up; signifying the end of one season for Elijah and the beginning of a new mission.

Could it be that Elijah wouldn’t be as sensitised to the Lord’s next direction should he already be too comfortable living by the brook? Possibly. Once the brook dries up, there’s no other option but to move forward.

5. Get ready for miracles, and opposition

I’ve been blessed with the confirmation of many mind-blowing miracles to confirm my decisions during my important discernment processes. I feel like this is what God means by ‘ask and you shall receive; seek and you will find; knock and it shall be opened to you’. Besides, aren’t these what a discernment really is? A process of intensive asking, seeking and knocking for God’s will?

But alongside the miracles, let’s not forget that the devil will also work extra hard to lead you astray just when you’re about to reach your breakthrough moment. Even Rick Warren says that the way to know that you’re about to do something important is by the kind of opposition you’re facing. The bigger the mission, the stronger the opposition. When you’re facing oppositions, the only way to move is forward. Keep on keeping on.

6. Ready, jump!

At one point, when all prayers would’ve been said and all counsels heard, there will only be one thing left to do: that plunge in faith.

Faith is scary but joyful and always rewarding at the same time. When there’s nothing else to rely on, only trust that the One who calls you is faithful, and whatever good works He’s called you to begin, He will also bring to completion (Philippians 1:6). Just keep on keeping on and cling to Him for dear life.

[jesuspicksmeup]

Project Joshua - the aftermath.

“Now Naaman was commander of the army of the king of Aram. He was a great man in the sight of his master and highly regarded, because through him the Lord had given victory to Aram. He was a valiant soldier, but he had leprosy.[a]

2 Now bands of raiders from Aram had gone out and had taken captive a young girl from Israel, and she served Naaman’s wife. 3 She said to her mistress, “If only my master would see the prophet who is in Samaria! He would cure him of his leprosy.”

4 Naaman went to his master and told him what the girl from Israel had said. 5 “By all means, go,” the king of Aram replied. “I will send a letter to the king of Israel.” So Naaman left, taking with him ten talents[b] of silver, six thousand shekels[c] of gold and ten sets of clothing.6 The letter that he took to the king of Israel read: “With this letter I am sending my servant Naaman to you so that you may cure him of his leprosy.”

7 As soon as the king of Israel read the letter, he tore his robes and said, “Am I God? Can I kill and bring back to life? Why does this fellow send someone to me to be cured of his leprosy? See how he is trying to pick a quarrel with me!”

8 When Elisha the man of God heard that the king of Israel had torn his robes, he sent him this message: “Why have you torn your robes? Have the man come to me and he will know that there is a prophet in Israel.”9 So Naaman went with his horses and chariots and stopped at the door of Elisha’s house. 10 Elisha sent a messenger to say to him, “Go, wash yourself seven times in the Jordan, and your flesh will be restored and you will be cleansed.”

11 But Naaman went away angry and said, “I thought that he would surely come out to me and stand and call on the name of the Lord his God, wave his hand over the spot and cure me of my leprosy. 12 Are not Abana and Pharpar, the rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? Couldn’t I wash in them and be cleansed?” So he turned and went off in a rage.

13 Naaman’s servants went to him and said, “My father, if the prophet had told you to do some great thing, would you not have done it? How much more, then, when he tells you, ‘Wash and be cleansed’!” 14 So he went down and dipped himself in the Jordan seven times, as the man of God had told him, and his flesh was restored and became clean like that of a young boy.

15 Then Naaman and all his attendants went back to the man of God. He stood before him and said, “Now I know that there is no God in all the world except in Israel. So please accept a gift from your servant.” - 2 Kings 5:1-15

I eventually came back from Project Joshua late in December, feeling somewhat discombobulated and disappointed. 

It had taken me two years of consistently thinking that I’ve heard from God to finally made that jump to let go of all my attachments and step into the promise that I was sure He had for me. I have detailed all the processes leading up to the decision earlier, and I must say that they were nothing short of miraculous. I mean, finding a flight ticket to Melbourne at RM150? And later finding a great Airbnb accommodation at RM80 per night? That trip was obviously an anointed one. Nonetheless, that’s where everything stopped.

You see, the following weeks that went by were disappointingly mundane. I was half-expecting to stumble upon more miracles, perhaps finding a job or bumping into a person who would end up becoming my husband (ha!). But none of that happened. My December in Australia was quiet and uneventful. It didn’t take me long before I started wondering whether I’d really heard God right. Or perhaps I was just crazy and dumb.

I also couldn’t help cringing at the fact that I had let go of three good, well-paying jobs to get here. And what have I got in return? Nothing. Just a little Christmas holiday.

Upon returning, against what I thought God had told me, I decided to take the job that He didn’t say yes to. Besides, what other choice did I have? I’d felt so betrayed, I’d given up so much to obey Him and I felt like He didn’t keep His end of the bargain. To ask me to let go of another opportunity seemed like asking for too much. 

True enough, taking a up something that God didn’t say yes to turned out to be a mistake. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I was suddenly in ‘no grace land’. Albeit being a plummy job on paper, it failed for give me any sense of joy. In fact, my first two weeks on the job was filled with dread, and I just couldn’t wait to leave. But then, I still don’t have any other choice. I’ve still got bills to be paid each month.So, I just decided to stick with it, although everyday at work has felt barren, even until today -- five months after I had started working here.

I kept asking God in my prayers to explain what was the whole point of Project Joshua. I kept asking why he had led me on. I asked Him what was the significance of asking me to fly all the way to Melbourne. I found myself asking Him the same questions that Naaman had asked: “Are not Abana and Pharpar, the rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? Couldn’t I wash in them and be cleansed?” aka “Isn’t it great that I already had three jobs here? Couldn’t I just have stayed here instead?”

One day, reflecting on my daily reading, I came across this story on 2 Kings 5, and although I had interpreted the story differently each time, this time the Holy Spirit shed a different light through it. I suddenly realized one thing: sometimes the point that God wants to make and the answer to His miracles lie in the obedience rather than the destination. Perhaps, what God had wanted me to learn during that season of my life was to obey and trust Him with wherever He’s directing my life -- not so much of what I can find in that destination in question. 

I realized that I have to consistently remind myself that His thoughts are not my thoughts and His ways are not my ways (Isaiah 55:8-9). Many times in life, I would preempt God’s work in my life and have expectations of how I think He should operate. But in doing that, I would undermine the fact that He is my God. Not the other way around.

He has no obligation to fulfill my expectations and He is free to work -- through his loving filter -- however He wants to work in my life. It is not for me to dictate how God should work His miracles in my life. All I need to do is trust that He who’d began a good work in my life will surely carry it on to completion (Philippians 1:6).